Is having a one gender preference okay?

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NewToPoly2025

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Im going to keep this short and sweet.

My (30M) wife (26F) is bisexual/poly.
She waited until well into our relationship and after marriage to tell me this. She said she’s felt like this her whole life.

When she first told me, I did mention I’m not comfortable with her being with another man, she told me then not to worry, she’s only interested in having a female partner if/when she so chooses.

Now, she wants to explore being with another man and I’m not okay nor comfortable with this.

She’s asked me to think about and I told her “sure” but I’m not going to budge on what I am okay with and what I’m not.

Am I somehow in the wrong for having a gender preference on partners of hers?
 
I wouldn't say you're "wrong." I will say your feelings are common. We get this question all the time. Do a search here for "one penis policy" to see how others have approached this issue.

Quick take: men are often more insecure if their partner/wife wants to date men than date women. Men are taught in our culture that having another man have sex with "their" woman makes them seem weak, a cuckold. Whereas two women together is seen as non-threatening and even hot, sexy.

Your feelings are your feelings. You can approach and deconstruct why you feel this way. Maybe you'll get over it. On the other hand, if you can't get over it after examining it, you might decide it's a dealbreaker and leave the relationship.
 
I read over similar posts in the r/poly subreddit and only got met with OPs feeling be invalidated.

Preferences are preferences, who am I to judge what someone wants to have in their relationship?

I think we’re all entitled to feel how we want to feel and not have to change that because others don’t agree.

Thank you for not being mean to me about this. I was flamed on Reddit for the same question.
 
NewToPoly2025 said:
I read over similar posts in the r/poly subreddit and only got met with OPs feeling be invalidated.

Preferences are preferences, who am I to judge what someone wants to have in their relationship?

I think we’re all entitled to feel how we want to feel and not have to change that because others don’t agree.

Thank you for not being mean to me about this. I was flamed on Reddit for the same question.
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You can feel what you feel. You can only be judged for your behaviors, or for demanding others changes their behaviors or desires to suit your needs.

You don't need to change your feelings, but you do have to decide if your relationship is worth it to look at trying to be more flexible, or if you'll have to walk in order that your wife can date the gender(s) of her choice.
 
Magdlyn said:
You can feel what you feel. You can only be judged for your behaviors, or for demanding others changes their behaviors or desires to suit your needs.

You don't need to change your feelings, but you do have to decide if your relationship is worth it to look at trying to be more flexible, or if you'll have to walk in order that your wife can date the gender(s) of her choice.
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I understand that.

I’m not going to “force” her into one and not the other. If it’s something she wants and I don’t, we’ll part ways. No malicious intent behind it. Just wanting different things is okay.
 
The one-penis policy is frowned upon because of creating a double-standard, like, the relationship is "polyamorous", but while he dates women, she can't date men.

You don't mention your overall relationship agreements, e.g. if it's ok for you to find outside partners. It seems to be "closed with an exception for one female FWB on her side," but we don't know.

If you yourself at some point intend to be non-monogamous, it may be better to slowly work towards full polyamory, having her choose her partners irrespective of gender. If you prefer monogamy, than it's indeed on her to decide whether polyamory is a need that won't go away, in which case you part ways, or if it's just something fun to do she can go without.
 
Magdlyn said:
You can feel what you feel. You can only be judged for your behaviors, or for demanding others changes their behaviors or desires to suit your needs.

You don't need to change your feelings, but you do have to decide if your relationship is worth it to look at trying to be more flexible, or if you'll have to walk in order that your wife can date the gender(s) of her choice.
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What did you mean by look at trying to be more flexible?
 
Tinwen said:
The one-penis policy is frowned upon because of creating a double-standard, like, the relationship is "polyamorous," but while he dates women, she can't date men.
You don't mention your overall relationship agreements, e.g. if it's ok for you to find outside partners. It seems to be "closed with an exception for one female FWB on her side," but we don't know.
If you yourself at some point intend to be non-monogamous, it may be better to slowly work towards full polyamory, having her choose her partners irrespective of gender. If you prefer monogamy, than it's indeed on her to decide whether polyamory is a need that won't go away, in which case you part ways, on if it's just something fun to do she can go without.
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I am now and will forever be monogamous. I’ve told her this, I have no desire to be with anyone else.

She’s encouraged me more than once to “give it a try” and I have no desire.

I want her to be who she is and happy. Whether that’s with or without me.
 
You seem to be pretty adamant about who you are and what you want. Not much insecurity about how to proceed. I wish you luck with resolving the situation smoothly!

Is there anything else forum people might be able to help with?
 
NewToPoly2025 said:
What did you mean by look at trying to be more flexible?
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We often talk about flexible relationship shapes. So you became more flexible, moving from the original dyad, just the two of you, to an FFM V with her as the hinge.

She's now indicated that she's interested in MFM V or perhaps keeping the FFM shape and adding another M. That's increased flexibility of a relationship shape. It will also require an increased flexibility of mindset.

You sound like you'd rather bow out of your relationship with her than be in the new configuration. That's okay, so long as you don't behave badly during the separation and divorce. With that information, she can choose if she's going to maintain your dyad, or end it and date new men and experience increased flexibility in relationship shapes in the future with people who already have the flexibility of mindset, or stick with the FFM V relationship shape with you.
 
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The term "one-penis policy" (OPP) wasn't intended to describe situations like yours. It was coined to make fun of men who date multiple women while demanding that those women aren't allowed to date other men (although they can have sex with other women/each other).

It's a term meant to mock controlling men who want a lot of sex with multiple women but won't give those women the same freedom, and won't address their own insecurities about why they need all their women to have access to only their own dick, LOL.

So, if you ask advice you'll get a lot of people making assumptions based on that OPP stereotype.

I just mentioned your exact situation and why it's a reasonable example of an "OPP": https://polyamory.com/threads/bf-wants-a-throuple.157645/page-2#post-513504

Your situation is happens frequently. Since you are monogamous and not yet comfortable with poly, it is reasonable that you want to stick to the agreement your wife originally promised you: that she only wanted to date women.

However, you may want to learn more about polyamory so that you understand your wife's perspective (not so that you have to date other people yourself). In reality, if you become comfortable with your wife having relationships with women, including hot sex and love and romantic dates, etc, you may want to question what the actual difference would be, i.e., how would it affect you, if your wife's other partners included men?

For poly people who are bi/pansexual, the gender of their partners often doesn't matter that much to them. The freedom to love more than one person is what matters.

But, that's not a journey you're required to go on. It doesn't sound like your wife has been honest about communicating her poly nature to you before you were married, or what she wanted out of poly relationships after marriage (since she no longer wants to stick to just women).
 
Tinwen said:
You seem to be pretty adamant about who you are and what you want. Not much insecurity abou how to proceed. I wish you luck with resolving the situation smoothly!

Is there anything else forum people might be able to help
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Evie said:
We often talk about flexible relationship shapes. So you became more flexible, moving from the original dyad, just the two of you, to an FFM V with her as the hinge.

She's now indicated that she's interested in MFM V or perhaps keeping the FFM shape and adding another M. That's increased flexibility of a relationship shape. It will also require an increased flexibility of mindset.

You sound like you'd rather bow out of your relationship with her than be in the new configuration. That's okay, so long as you don't behave badly during the separation and divorce. With that information, she can choose if she's going to maintain your dyad, or end it and date new men and experience increased flexibility in relationship shapes in the future with people who already have the flexibility of mindset, or stick with the FFM V relationship shape with you.
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Lot of abbreviations there I’m not familiar with.

I want my wife to be herself and who she is and happy. With or without me.

I’m not sure how to approach it or just be direct about it.

I’m not going to change my feelings nor do I want her to not be who she wants/needs to be. If male partners being off the table is what does it in, then that’s okay with me.

I won’t carry hate in my heart or anything like that. Just an amicable split between two people who no longer thing alike.
 
FFM is Female - Female - Male, which is your current configuration and implies the F is the middle is the shared, or hinge, partner in a Vee relationship shape, i.e. the hinge's partners are not partners, too.


MFM is Male - Female - Male. This is the relationship shape you don't want. Because changing that first F to an M is too uncomfortable for you.
 
Hello NewToPoly2025,

It sounds like when you say one gender preference, you mean that you want your wife to be with women only (except being with you, of course). If this is the case then so be it, you feel how you feel. I suppose what you have to figure out now is whether you and your wife are still compatible. I know that's probably not a pleasant thought.

Sorry you got flamed on Reddit. Reddit has a bad reputation for treating people poorly (unless you adhere to a narrow set of unspoken rules). I wouldn't say that Polyamory.com is a perfect forum, but I do think we act better than the people on Reddit. You have a right to your feelings, you just have to figure out whether you and your wife are still compatible.

I think your best bet is to just be direct (and courteous) about how you feel. Tell her you want her to be happy -- that if this is what she wants, then so be it. Try to part as friends, if part you must. It does seem that if you had known from the start that this is what she wanted, then you could have refrained from marrying her in the first place.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.
 
You need to let your wife know very clearly where you stand. So "just be direct", I guess...
Although I hesitate a little with that advice, because your style of writing about what you feel is so... strict.

Being direct means very different things to different people. You need to be clear with what you are saying, but you don't want it to come across as aggressive or as indifferent to the continuation of the relationship.

[You don't have to answer, but I do find myself wondering if you are perhaps on the autistic spectrum?]
 
You seem pretty clear.

I want my wife to be herself and who she is and happy. With or without me.

I’m not sure how to approach it or just be direct about it.

I’m not going to change my feelings nor do I want her to not be who she wants/needs to be. If male partners being off the table is what does it in, then that’s okay with me.

I won’t carry hate in my heart or anything like that. Just an amicable split between two people who no longer thing alike.
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If you signed up for monogamous marriage, that's what you wanted. If she now wants a new deal, you can't MAKE her stick with the original deal. At the same time, she can't MAKE you sign up for a new deal called polyamory.

How about just telling her what you wrote there in that quote? You want her to be herself, who she is, and happy, with or without you. You don't want polyamory. So if this is what she wants now, you prefer an an amicable split. Then she will be free TO pursue the polyamory things she wants, and you will be free FROM the polyamory things you do not want.

This whole thing about her poly dating women or men is a side quest you don't even have to do. It's ok to say, "No, thanks" to ALL of poly dating, because you don't want to be in a poly structure with yourself as one of the people she is dating.

Galagirl
 
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