How does one deal with “threatening” in the relationship between their primary and the primary’s partner? I feel like she’s taking him away mentally and emotionally and I don’t feel loved or cared about at all. My primary is so focused on her and her feelings. Mine don’t matter (is how I feel), and she tells him she won’t help him to help me feel better about it. But I’m expected to have empathy and compassion for her, no matter what. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I’m lost. I feel like some insecurities I can deal with, but others I need reassurance for, and she (my primary's partner) says, no, it’s my problem, and they (my primary and his partner) don’t have to help me through it at all.
Insecurities
- Thread starter Roxygirl
- Start date
WestCoastRedhead
Active member
Hello Roxy,
I'm new here, but going through something similar, so wanted to share my thoughts. My situation is actually the opposite point of view - my metamour is feeling threatened by me, and also by her husband's other partner, so it's quite stressful for her right now. I am totally sympathetic to both her and you, as I've felt threatened by my metamours in the past. It's hard, I know. I will say, in my opinion, that while I understand and sympathize on the insecurity of my metamour, it is not *my* responsibility to reassure her. That is between my partner and her - he needs to do his part. If she reached out to me, I might be able to help, but she has chosen not to. From what my partner tells me, she is feeling like he and I get to do all the fun stuff, and have all the fun sex, etc, and they don't. And that she wants to know what we get up to. Now, I am pretty private, especially around our sexual intimacy, so I have said no to sharing anything there, as that is a solid boundary of mine. But I did concede that if it helped him help her, that he could share some of our other activity "getting up to's" so she has a better sense of what we do together, I am okay with that.
I do think that your insecurity is mostly your own responsibility, yes, but it is for your partner to work with you, to reassure you, and if he can't/won't, that's a red flag for him as a partner, in my view.
Do you have support outside of him, like friends, family, co-workers, a therapist?
Good luck, and keep us posted! You can do this!
I'm new here, but going through something similar, so wanted to share my thoughts. My situation is actually the opposite point of view - my metamour is feeling threatened by me, and also by her husband's other partner, so it's quite stressful for her right now. I am totally sympathetic to both her and you, as I've felt threatened by my metamours in the past. It's hard, I know. I will say, in my opinion, that while I understand and sympathize on the insecurity of my metamour, it is not *my* responsibility to reassure her. That is between my partner and her - he needs to do his part. If she reached out to me, I might be able to help, but she has chosen not to. From what my partner tells me, she is feeling like he and I get to do all the fun stuff, and have all the fun sex, etc, and they don't. And that she wants to know what we get up to. Now, I am pretty private, especially around our sexual intimacy, so I have said no to sharing anything there, as that is a solid boundary of mine. But I did concede that if it helped him help her, that he could share some of our other activity "getting up to's" so she has a better sense of what we do together, I am okay with that.
I do think that your insecurity is mostly your own responsibility, yes, but it is for your partner to work with you, to reassure you, and if he can't/won't, that's a red flag for him as a partner, in my view.
Do you have support outside of him, like friends, family, co-workers, a therapist?
Good luck, and keep us posted! You can do this!
I believe it’s his responsibility to reassure me that I’m the primary and she is not. That is what I believe, that was supposed to be said in my post. I don’t need her to reassure me at all. But he doesn’t want to help me be reassured, other then just believe what he says. But currently I don’t trust what he says cuz he’s broken it. We are working on the trust thing, but with her it’s fuzzy. In other things I trust EVERYTHING he says.
Also I’m currently closed cuz of this problem. We were super new and we were trying but this women ruined it and then bashed me publicly. So it’s hard. I know my husband loves her. He “says” they are just friends. But I know he wants it to be more and so does she. So I don’t actually believe they are “just friends.“
I'm sorry this is happening,
Sounds like HE is not paying enough attention on this side of the V.
Is this poly hell stuff from him?
https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
And then her being over the top? Like you'd be ok if she wanted parallel poly and a very separate V.
But bashing you in public and behaving like she's trying to rope him off for herself is just ugh?
And then if you bring up your concerns on that to him, he's so twitterpated in his NRE drunk that she can do no wrong in his eyes? So it's like talking to a wall?
SHE doesn't have to help you. She's not dating you and she doesn't know you. Hopefully she is just behaving like an ordinary, regular person. And not like wacko.
HE is the hinge. HE could attend to both sides of the V. So if he's neglecting you? That's all on him.
WHO expects you to have empathy and compassion for her no matter what? You? Hinge? Her?
You don't have to. Just basic empathy like you would the mailman is good enough. Like you don't want him run over by a car doing his work. Wouldn't wish him ill like that or anything. So when you pull out of the driveway and see him there, you are mindful and don't try to biff him. But the rest of the time? You don't think about the mailman much at all.
For me both "talk and walk" need to match and if they don't? I'm going to believe the walk (actions.) Talk without matching actions to back it up? I'm not into "say one thing, do another."
And people can lie. *shrug*
What agreement was broken? How was trust damaged?
How are you working on repairing it? Seeing a couple counselor that knows about non-monogamy to help you? Something else?
So he calls you primary and not her. What does that MEAN? What behavior do you want him to do towards you?
What are the shared agreements?
Galagirl
Sounds like HE is not paying enough attention on this side of the V.
Is this poly hell stuff from him?
https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
And then her being over the top? Like you'd be ok if she wanted parallel poly and a very separate V.
But bashing you in public and behaving like she's trying to rope him off for herself is just ugh?
And then if you bring up your concerns on that to him, he's so twitterpated in his NRE drunk that she can do no wrong in his eyes? So it's like talking to a wall?
SHE doesn't have to help you. She's not dating you and she doesn't know you. Hopefully she is just behaving like an ordinary, regular person. And not like wacko.
HE is the hinge. HE could attend to both sides of the V. So if he's neglecting you? That's all on him.
WHO expects you to have empathy and compassion for her no matter what? You? Hinge? Her?
You don't have to. Just basic empathy like you would the mailman is good enough. Like you don't want him run over by a car doing his work. Wouldn't wish him ill like that or anything. So when you pull out of the driveway and see him there, you are mindful and don't try to biff him. But the rest of the time? You don't think about the mailman much at all.
For me both "talk and walk" need to match and if they don't? I'm going to believe the walk (actions.) Talk without matching actions to back it up? I'm not into "say one thing, do another."
And people can lie. *shrug*
What agreement was broken? How was trust damaged?
How are you working on repairing it? Seeing a couple counselor that knows about non-monogamy to help you? Something else?
So he calls you primary and not her. What does that MEAN? What behavior do you want him to do towards you?
What are the shared agreements?
Galagirl
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
It sounds like he has more in common with her than you..he wants what she wants. Not what you want. It doesn't matter if he tells you are primary, your needs aren't his primary priority because he wants different things
I don't see where he has more in common with his new gf than with the OP, his wife. He sounds carried away by NRE and like he isn't handling it well. Primaries often do need reassurance when their partner is acting insane from their NRE for someone else.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Honestly, +/- NRE I feel like someone who knows where their "bread is buttered" would not act in ways that would prompt their partner to say:
People who are more conflicted between their superficial NRE and their happy home usually try to get the other person to agree to the needs of their primary, even if they are ridiculous.
I think it's telling who ends up here. It's very rarely those who are having things go the way they prefer when all things are considered. Of course each party could be seeking such advice elsewhere but for the most part.
I think the husband is making it clear that although he wishes the girlfriend felt differently, he doesn't, and her contentment is more closely entwined with his.
Lots of questions lol. He doesn’t have much in common with her. It’s all emotional stuff with them.
He broke my trust by saying he wouldn’t talk to her for 4 days, till we talked to a counselor. But then he emailed her 2x behind my back in those 4 days.
I know he loves me more than life, but I do need reassurance sometimes, cuz sometimes I feel like I’m getting thrown aside.
We have talked extensively and I hope we are getting somewhere. But I asked if we opened back up if it would help him to not suppress his emotions for her. Also, then I wouldn’t feel like he’s hiding them.
Then he asked if we could we have emotional poly only, but I have NEVER been able to find a guy who just wants emotional poly.
She has health issues, so I understand he wants to support her. But she’s a retired counselor and likes to put her nose in our personal life. I don’t know if she’s crazy, but it is definitely out of bounds to talk about my relationship with my HUSBAND and about how to raise my kids.
He broke my trust by saying he wouldn’t talk to her for 4 days, till we talked to a counselor. But then he emailed her 2x behind my back in those 4 days.
I know he loves me more than life, but I do need reassurance sometimes, cuz sometimes I feel like I’m getting thrown aside.
We have talked extensively and I hope we are getting somewhere. But I asked if we opened back up if it would help him to not suppress his emotions for her. Also, then I wouldn’t feel like he’s hiding them.
Then he asked if we could we have emotional poly only, but I have NEVER been able to find a guy who just wants emotional poly.
She has health issues, so I understand he wants to support her. But she’s a retired counselor and likes to put her nose in our personal life. I don’t know if she’s crazy, but it is definitely out of bounds to talk about my relationship with my HUSBAND and about how to raise my kids.
Last edited by a moderator:
He thinks it would help if he could love this woman emotionally, but not have sex with her, or what? Is he grasping at straws to placate you?
Do you even want a bf who is only emotionally your bf and you do not have sex together? What would be the point of ruling out sex?
He is a sloppy hinge. He shouldn't be telling her too much personal stuff about you, nor should he be telling you so much about her opinions on things.
I think it's OK to hear about child-rearing advice from anyone in your life. He could be benefitting from her experience as a counselor. But you have a right to also take advice about child rearing from anywhere you trust. Then you two compromise on how to proceed.
I think it would be better if he could have his feelings for her out in the open as poly rather then hide them in a monogamous relationship. Cuz I know he loves/cares for her but physically there’s no connection.I can see it’s painful and hard for him to try and hide the feelings. And I think I would feel less sorta cheated on emotionally if he could just be free to have the emotions as long as he gets better at assuring me that I’m his wife and she’s his partner.
Child advice is great. hers is how I’m a shitty parent cuz I have some hard past issues that I work on with my counselor all the time. I just get upset and yell sometimes with anxiety and take meds for it but at 7 at night the meds don’t work… so she commented that it will protect onto my kids therefore I’m a shitty mom cuz I yell every so often.
Child advice is great. hers is how I’m a shitty parent cuz I have some hard past issues that I work on with my counselor all the time. I just get upset and yell sometimes with anxiety and take meds for it but at 7 at night the meds don’t work… so she commented that it will protect onto my kids therefore I’m a shitty mom cuz I yell every so often.
Openbook23
Active member
Interesting....so, he's not having sex with this person, and doesn't really want to do so? Or is this more like a request that if he can't have both, he wants the emotional part at least?
My metamour is most bothered by the emotional/intimacy aspects of my relationship with my gf. The sex part doesn't bother him much. So, I can kind of understand what you mean. OTOH, people have emotional connections to friends all the time, and that rarely bothers people. Is there a reason he can't just be friends with this woman? I feel like I'm missing something.
My metamour is most bothered by the emotional/intimacy aspects of my relationship with my gf. The sex part doesn't bother him much. So, I can kind of understand what you mean. OTOH, people have emotional connections to friends all the time, and that rarely bothers people. Is there a reason he can't just be friends with this woman? I feel like I'm missing something.
We r closed currently because he wasn’t re assuring me that I was his wife/primary and he was more about her and I felt left out. He wants both but the is a sex with her issue that’s been going on and it’s not something I want to deal with and he is a bit scared as well. His emotional connection doesn’t bother me at all except right now cuz he trying to hide it cuz we r closed lol.
Openbook23
Active member
Got it...the sneaking around was problematic, especially since you closed things to work on your relationship. That makes sense.
Thank you for more info.
FWIW? Here is my suggestions for you to think about.
To me? Email isn't talking. It's email.
So if he took the agreement like "no verbal communication" and you took it like "no communication at all" -- that's something to bring up at the therapist.
Any problems with HOW you two communicate? Need to be sorted before trying to do conflict resolution.
Otherwise MORE frustrations will pile on because you don't talk apples to apples. It's apples to oranges.
How is the therapist thing going? Did you get one you two can work with?
Have you defined your dealbreakers so this doesn't drag on forever?
He sounds like a sloppy hinge. If this is getting all bogged down in "feelings" and conversation ends up going in circles? Maybe you want to focus on "actions" instead. Process your feelings with your counselor and not him right now.
Have you stated what behavior you want him to start/stop doing on this side of the V? So you can feel SEEN, valued, and appreciated?
Cuz if he spends on his time with you going on and on about her, that's a crap date. Too much of that, then your relationship with him? Gets crappy and not esp fun, healthy, or great for YOU.
It sounds like you want behaviors like...
Anything else? Talk all that out with therapist. Including listing dealbreakers.
I hope things improve for you one way or another.
Galagirl
FWIW? Here is my suggestions for you to think about.
To me? Email isn't talking. It's email.
So if he took the agreement like "no verbal communication" and you took it like "no communication at all" -- that's something to bring up at the therapist.
Any problems with HOW you two communicate? Need to be sorted before trying to do conflict resolution.
Otherwise MORE frustrations will pile on because you don't talk apples to apples. It's apples to oranges.
How is the therapist thing going? Did you get one you two can work with?
Have you defined your dealbreakers so this doesn't drag on forever?
He sounds like a sloppy hinge. If this is getting all bogged down in "feelings" and conversation ends up going in circles? Maybe you want to focus on "actions" instead. Process your feelings with your counselor and not him right now.
Have you stated what behavior you want him to start/stop doing on this side of the V? So you can feel SEEN, valued, and appreciated?
Cuz if he spends on his time with you going on and on about her, that's a crap date. Too much of that, then your relationship with him? Gets crappy and not esp fun, healthy, or great for YOU.
It sounds like you want behaviors like...
- Stop making agreements you cannot actually keep. Start saying "No. I do not agree to that."
- Stop hiding things being all secretive. It's fine to have feelings for her, it's fine to share safer sex. It's not fine to sneak around behind my back.
- Stop telling me so much about her and her opinions. Basic info is fine. But stop with the TMI.
- Start seeking individual counselor. I cannot date you and be your relationship coach or free therapist.
- Keep your relationships more separate and tend to each one with care. On my side?
- Stop taking me for granted.
- Start spending regular date time with me focussed on me/us.
- Share equal load with the home and kids
Anything else? Talk all that out with therapist. Including listing dealbreakers.
I hope things improve for you one way or another.
Galagirl
Last edited:
Yeah, we talked to a therapist. It’s going well. I think it’s more or less just now. He needs to learn how to be a good hinge partner and as far as the communication was, it was no communication period.
And I know expressed to him that if we open up, he needs to really work on the hinge partner thing and respect my boundaries just as much as he respects hers and everything will be OK. And then communication is key and listening not just sort of hearing it, or hearing what he wants to hear out of it. I think this will be good and I’m gonna bet will end up opening here pretty soon and hopefully I can find an emotional connection as well. I think I can post stuff about that on here I’m not sure.? or I guess look for someone on here that’s like minded?
And I know expressed to him that if we open up, he needs to really work on the hinge partner thing and respect my boundaries just as much as he respects hers and everything will be OK. And then communication is key and listening not just sort of hearing it, or hearing what he wants to hear out of it. I think this will be good and I’m gonna bet will end up opening here pretty soon and hopefully I can find an emotional connection as well. I think I can post stuff about that on here I’m not sure.? or I guess look for someone on here that’s like minded?
Glad couple counseling is making some progress on the communication issues.
Not giving any communication at all? Not listening well? Or it going through a "filter" like only hearing what he wants? That's not effective. I hope you all can sort those communication issues out.
You can post whatever updates you want on your thread here. It's yours.
GG
Not giving any communication at all? Not listening well? Or it going through a "filter" like only hearing what he wants? That's not effective. I hope you all can sort those communication issues out.
You can post whatever updates you want on your thread here. It's yours.
GG
Hi Roxygirl,
Your primary's partner clearly does not want to help or support you at all, she just wants to take as much advantage of you as possible. Tell your primary you do not like being treated like a doormat. Then see how he responds, it will say a lot about him. It's his responsibility to reassure you that you're the primary, and she is not. If he is not willing to do that, then that says a lot about him, and about what she is doing to poison your relationship with him. It seems that he isn't wanting her to be just a "friend."
Sorry this is happening to you.
Kevin T.
Your primary's partner clearly does not want to help or support you at all, she just wants to take as much advantage of you as possible. Tell your primary you do not like being treated like a doormat. Then see how he responds, it will say a lot about him. It's his responsibility to reassure you that you're the primary, and she is not. If he is not willing to do that, then that says a lot about him, and about what she is doing to poison your relationship with him. It seems that he isn't wanting her to be just a "friend."
Sorry this is happening to you.
Kevin T.
Yes, a therapist can help with active listening.
You can post whatever you want about your search for another partner. You can do that on this thread.
This is actually not a dating site. (Please read our Rules and Guidelines.) Also, you posted in the Intros section, saying you are new, when you have actually posted 50 times. This confused several people, even our official greeter haha
People do post in the Dating section to seek new partners. I don't think they are successful because the majority of people come here for feedback and poly relationship advice. If you want to post an ad to seek a new partner anyway, use the Dating section, not the Intros section. Otherwise, trying using an actual dating site/app, such as Feeld.