Into The Deep End

B

billypi

New member
Si I guess I should explain who I am, where I've been, and where I seem to be going.

I'm in my late thirties, and am pretty much the typical straight cis white male. I've been described as more vanilla than a bean and the guy Weird Al was talking about when he wrote the lyric "I'm nerdy in the extreme, whiter than sour cream". I was brought up in a fairly traditional, if somewhat openminded and trusting way. Occasional depressive issues, but I can usually handle them without medication.

My wife and I have been together almost twelve years. Married for eight of them. We separated several months ago. Several reasons why, but one of them was her nymphomania vs my falling sex drive from age and stress. Lots of stress. She eventually gave me an ultimatum to let her get what she wasn't getting from others, demanding an open marriage... and throwing in "And I suppose if you find anyone, you can have them. Like you would." I was raised to believe you do anything to save a marriage, so I said fine, as long as I didn't need to know about it. A while later, we had a fight about something else... and realized things weren't working, and neither of us cared enough to put in the effort to fix things.

Due to cost of living and price of filing divorce, she and our son are still living with me in the house until we can get the divorce paperwork filed. After that, who knows. The wife has... been fairly enthusiastic about finding men to help with her needs since the split. I have successfully resisted the urge to slash their tires or brain them with a baseball bat. Paperwork doesn't matter; we're over. She can do what she wants.

I decided not to try dating again until she moved out; partially to give myself time to recover and partially because of the difficulty in explaining we weren't legally divorced yet. But while chatting with random locals via a chat app, I found myself making friends with this one woman, and after a couple months of talking, she dropped a bomb on me.

"I'm actually kinda bummed you said you weren't into girls in open relationships."
 
I make a joke about considering it, then spent some time thinking. My experience with polyamorism consisted of two things: Some friends back in college who had declared me 'wired for mono', and the disaster with my estranged wife. So I started thinking... why?

As I said, I was raised openminded. I'm fairly sure I'm straight, but I realize this could very well mean I just haven't met the right guy to make me say "Okay, sure." I began to wonder if the same could apply to being poly. I've never had feelings for more than one person before; does that mean I can't, as my college friends seemed to think, or that I just hadn't met the right combination of girls?

I decided that line of thinking was a bit premature. The thing I had to think about, while some light flirting was going on, wasn't if I thought I could date multiple girls... it was if I thought I could date a married woman. One who was, in retrospect, very close to what I'd consider my idea woman. Smart, geeky, funny, and a surprising list of things in common with me. I slowly came to realize this woman had come to mean something special to me... you know that thing where getting a single text message from them can brighten up your whole day?... yeah, that. I eventually came up with a clumsy metaphor. You see a beautiful sports car. The owner tells you that he's okay with you taking the car for a drive every so often. As long as you remember that the car is his. Are you really going to -not- drive the car just because you can't have it 24/7?

Okay, metaphors aren't perfect. but after months of talking, a week of subtle flirting, and a week of not-so-subtle flirting, we met. There was chemistry. Sparks. She had the most amazing smile and laugh... I felt half my age while I was with her. She felt very much the same way. We met again; things got a bit more physical. Okay, a lot more. And the next day, I realized... I'd barely stopped smiling since the first time we met. Despite all the crap in my life, despite having been in a depressive fit for months... I was happy. And more than that... I felt normal. I very much wanted the relationship to continue, even knowing it meant that I was diving into the deep end of polyculture, where I'd never been before.

And before you know it... I'm meeting the husband and his girlfriend.
 
I went to dinner full of nerves and second-guessed misgivings. I felt there was a good possiblity I was making a bad move. I've had jealousy issues in the past... given that my marriage ended in part because I hated the thought of anyone else touching my wife, well, I began to worry I was setting myself (and her) up for major heartache. Two months to get to know her personality and a few dates to get to know her physically, and I've come to realize I'm head-over-heels for this woman... on a logical level, I know she's married, but that she's poly and the whole 'loving more than one person' is part of that. But I'm not worried about her... how do I react the first time I see her husband kiss the woman I've fallen for?

Well, that didn't come up. There was dinner and cards and some TV and then returning home as everyone had work the next day. I felt awkward many times during the night... how much of a PDA am I able to show without making things awkward? Can I hold her hand? Nuzzle her cheek? Squeeze her rear? Am I trying too hard to make conversation? I don't know any of these people's in-jokes or references to things they've done in the past...

It felt like what I imagine interracial dating must feel like. Meeting the family of a woman from India, or Kenya, or Japan, where you know none of the customs, where they tend to use a language you don't understand unless they decide to speak English so you can understand.

Anyway, long story short (All together now: "Too late!"), I get home, find out via text that apparently things went great and the husband likes me. So... yeah. I'm still worried that I'm going to wind up doing something to totally mess this all up... but it's been a long time since anybody's made me feel the way she does. Maybe even ever. I know it's probably just the 'shiny' of a new relationship... but I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone before.

I just worry. Maybe too much. Maybe not enough. And for the first time in my life, I'm not worried about not being worthy of the girl, I'm not worried about ow she feels about me... we've been open and honest about that. What I'm worried about is... what if I screw us up? What if I screw up her and her husband? What if something I don't even know is a thing winds up being a bad thing?

We're going to try to put aside a meeting time just for asking and answering questions. I have tons. I don't know which ones to ask. I don't know if I'll even be poly... I can't see wanting to date anyone else, given how she makes me feel. I think I can handle being a mono end to a poly... well, it's not a V, it's more of a square-edged U with an umlaut... or at least, I hope to god I can, because otherwise this ends in fire and tears.

That dinner was earlier tonight. I haven't been able to sleep, a combination of nerves at wondering if I'm able to do what I say I am, and amazement that even with my awkwardness tonight, she still wants me as part of her life. So I type... and bring you all up to speed on what has become my life's focal point.

In a bad relationship, your partner tries to change you.
In a good relationship, you change yourself for your partner.

I want this to be a good relationship. I've changed bits and pieces of myself, tried to redefine words and phrases that uses to mean very different things. Love. Marriage. etc. But like the song says... I've just never been tested. I like to think that if I was, I would pass. We shall see... I just don't know -when- we will see.
 
... And this shows why I should not try to write short, concise posts after one in the morning when I should be asleep by Midnight. Had a lot on my mind, and it got away from me. Sorry.

Tl;dr version: mono guy falls for poly girl and decides that she's someone special so he's gonna give it a shot. Coming this fall on ABC.
 
I don't know if I'll be updating this daily or not, since we don't always have time to get together... after tonight, I'll probably only update for major things and/or revelations. Or something.

Anyway. I've been doing a lot of reading, of things here, links from here, things found while googling... I don' thave the link handy, it's on my phone, but what really hit home was something called "Five Things Your Metamour Wants To Tell You." Had to swap pronouns around, but... it really made a lot of sense. Cleared up a lot of things I had been thinking about.

Then, after an afternoon of not feeling well, I had... I dunno, a breakthrough of sorts. I realized some of my definitions were a bit off, and then realized... it wasn't like a one-on-one relationship where you pick someone who fits well with you... part of the reason she likes me is that she thinks I'll get along with the others. That there's kind of a responsibility there, to make sure new relationships fit in and don't mess things up And that means... she thinks I won't mess up. She thinks I'll fit as part of the family.

Well, I don't intend to let her down. I still feel a bit awkward... but everyone seems to like me, and I'm told are looking forward to seeing me again. So... socially, the hard part seems over. I think. Emotionally, I still have... misgivings about myself. Maybe I'm just selling myself short. It's comforting to know that I'm not going to be finding out on my own, or just her and me together... it's a group thing. And I have no idea why it took me so long to grok that.
 
It doesn't have to be a "group thing" just because they are poly. So, you met your metamour and his gf, and they like you. That is great because now you know you can be comfortable at social situations. But it doesn't mean you are required to be part of the group, and have group dates, etc. You still have every right to manage your own relationship, let it develop and flourish on its own, and have alone time with her. You shouldn't feel obligated to make "everyone" happy.
 
So, a large part of why you and your wife broke up was unequal sex drive. Calling her a nymphomaniac is a bit insulting. Quite often people will accuse their partners of sex addiction when the partner's sex drive merely exceeds their own. You admit yours was low because of (unspecified) stress.

Now, you're in NRE with new woman. How's your sex drive now? ;) NRE generally makes us lust mightily for the new partner.

OK, just had to get that out of the way.

Meeting your new gf's husband and his gf is nice. But I agree with NYCindie, you're not dating them, you're dating your new gf. Some people like family style poly. Others rarely meet with their metamour. Being polite and cordial is all that is required. Of course, if you really do like husband and his gf, great! You've got new friends. But their input into how things go with you and your new gf is up to the two of you, not to anyone else.

They can request certain things, safer sex for example. Scheduling dates so everyone gets their time in. That's about it. How long have your new gf and her h been practicing poly? I hope for your sake, they are well experienced.
 
Magdlyn said:
Calling her a nymphomaniac is a bit insulting. Quite often people will accuse their partners of sex addiction when the partner's sex drive merely exceeds their own.
Click to expand...

I'll reply with more later, when I'm not on my phone, but I just want to point out: I'm not being insulting. We have an actual psychiatric diagnosis of her as being a nymphomiac. I am not denigrating her sex drive at all. The periods where she could tone it down a bit and I could pick it up a bit were amazing... But stressful on us in different ways.
 
billypi said:
In a bad relationship, your partner tries to change you.
In a good relationship, you change yourself for your partner.
Click to expand...

I would expand this further - a relationship isn't necessarily good just because "you change yourself for your partner" - if the partner is not growing as well or if the changes you make to yourself are negative or harmful to you.

I think more along the lines of:
In a healthy relationship, partners inspire us and encourage us to become our best selves... and love us through the process.
 
Some people like family style poly.
Click to expand...

Magdlyn, I hadn't thought of that phrase before, but you're absolutely right! I'd had inklings of different ideals: of some people being more date-y and separate vs others liking a more all-piled-in-together style (socially, not necessarily sexually) but I hadn't put it into those words. I think I'm fond of a "family style poly" (famipoly? :cool:) with freedom for 'outside the family' connections too (as long as things are equitable on the home front).

billypi, I'm liking your blog so far. You have an easy and clever writing style. Look forward to reading more. Don't worry about cutting a short story long. The depth is often in the details.
 
Today, I have learned a part of dating poly that I hadn't considered. Today was a horrible day, culminating in finding that I need home repairs into the four-figure range that insurance won't cover. The kind of thing where you just need to vent on someone's shoulder for a while, y'know?

Pick up the phone... and remember, Friday is always reserved as a date night for her and her husband. Would be extremely rude of me to call. So, put the phone down. Find another way to vent. After all, we can talk tomorrow.

It's... not ideal, but it certainly makes me think about how bad something is before I vent about it. It would have to be something pretty damn serious for me to be a jerk and interrupt them. And even then... there's other options.

... of all the life situations that could teach me maturity, this isn't one I expected to.
 
NYC -- I may used the wrong terms about the group. Didn't really have a better way to describe dinner and playing cards. Group-wise it reminds me very much of being in college and hanging out with a group of friends, some of whom may or may not be dating at any given time.

Mag -- Admittedly, I've had no complaints about my sex drive. Like I said... I feel half my age. NRE, I've decided, is one hell of a drug. But I don't think it's just the NRE; since we decided to divorce, both my ex-wife and I have been sleeping better and are much more mentally healthy; the relationship was a source of stress to both of us, and removing that stress has been a good thing in many ways. Anyway, the gf and her husband have been poly for a while now; measured in years, not months, but I haven't exactly asked for an exact length of time.

Jane -- Good point. I should have said "You -want- to change for your partner, if need be" or something along those lines. But then it wouldn't be a quote. :)

Fuch -- The funny thing is... I have trouble connecting with people; part of why I consider myself monogamous is that whenever I connect with someone deeply enough for a relationship, well, it's only one person. I don't know if I could do Family-Style Poly (Which, for some reason, makes me think of Chinese take-out)... it's getting to know too many people too soon and risking not connecting. But after meeting them, I can certainly be friends with these people. And thanks -- I'll keep writing. Just don't know how often I'll have something worth writing about.
 
Good blog. :)

Small steps. Go one small step at a time ...
 
You're on a learning curve, and it's okay if it takes you time to learn. Polyamory isn't "typical" according to what a lot of people have experienced or been taught.

It's good that you realized it might not be acceptable for you to call her on her "date night" with her husband. That's the kind of consideration that will help make sure you aren't interfering with their marriage. It isn't always easy to know you can't reach out to the person you love every time you want/need to, but in the situation you're in, it's important to realize and accept that it might work that way.
 
I am still waiting to hear about the so-called nymphomaniac diagnosis, please! I have a very high sex drive, I can cum and cum. Usually I get satisfied after 5-10 orgasms. But sometimes a dozen orgasms isn't enough and I need to just put a cold washcloth down there to take down the engorgement so I can sleep.

I am not sex addicted. I do have days where I have no interest in sex. It doesn't make me lose work, neglect responsibilities, spend money on porn, or otherwise impinge on my life.

So, I am wondering what your stbx wife's issue was like. When you get a chance.
 
So, from Friday night through Saturday afternoon pretty much sucked. Stress upon stress, where even the little things started feeling like serious problems.

And then she comes over, and the stress just... flows away. She continues to amaze me by saying things that I'm thinking, and then talking about ow she reached those thoughts, and they mirror my thinking exactly. Other times, we're so completely different that it's fascinating to me. I believe life is a puzzle, but you're not given all the pieces... you have to find someone who has the pieces you need. This is the first time I've found someone who seems to have some of the same pieces I have. And they might just fit together.

... a bit disturbing that I ran into a different room to get something, came back, and she and the stbx-wife were bonding over nail-painting. But hell, I could have worse awkwardness.

I did learn a bit more about her and her situation; they've been poly for about two years and... to my great regret last night... have not yet talked about their feelings vis-a-vis sleepovers. Apparently the husband's relationship with his girlfriend is not as deep as I had thought. Sometimes I'm a bad judge of things like that. But I was somewhat surprised with myself... when I suggested a quick text to ask, she almost did... before deciding that it was better for a face-to-face conversation. And I... I stopped pushing. Not even jokingly. I would have loved for her to spend the night... but it gives me something to look forward to.

But it also makes me worried, again. If their relationships on both sides so far have been fairly casual.. and then I show up and we have this really intense NRE going on, stronger than either of them have dealt with before... I know it's not a huge chance, but there's a chance it'll freak him out. He seems like a decent guy, so I don't think it'll happen... but as I just said, sometimes I'm a bad judge of things like that.

Oddly enough, I think it's good in a way. I don't want to have something happen and look back with regret... so I'm focusing on every moment we have together. Every laugh, every touch, every thought... I want to remember all of it. Make the most of them all. Worst case, I'll have a headful of great memories. Best case... it's a hell of a foundation to build on.


---------------------

kdt -- It was some small steps, a huge leap, and now small steps again. I think. I'm trying to look forwards, not backwards. I tend to overthink things when I do that.

KC -- It's probably the mot difficult thing I have to learn about this. I'm one of those people who doesn't have a lot of close friends. When I've had someone special in my life... well, they're my go-to for everything. I can't do that here. Which means I either find a way to deal with things myself better, or find someone else who I can also share things with. Which... yeah, I'm still not sure I can do that. So, it's learn to cope better on my own. I'm... willing to accept the fact it's possible I could find someone else I could open myself up to. But given that I've found exactly four people in the last twenty years I feel that way about, I don't expect to put that to the test anytime soon.

Mags -- The best way I can describe it is that... she's not sex-addicted or sex-obsessed, she's sex-compelled. It's not a question of going through withdrawl, it's... it's almost OCD-like in that it -has- to happen. When the mood strikes her... middle of the night, grocery shopping, at a wedding, whatever... she has to. And if she doesn't, it eats away at her thinking until she either gets it or has a minor psychotic episode. There's other issues at work there... I don't want to go too in-depth... PTSD, social anxiety, other stuff, we'll just say that even without the nymphomania it's no picnic, and for a while it actually seemed like a way to help with the other things. But she once described it as "You know how teenaged boys think about sex all the time? Well... I'm even moreso. I would love to stop thinking about sex, even for a moment. But that just makes me think about it even more afterwards."
 
I can't really talk about this anywhere else. Don't even know if it belongs here. But this blog isn't just about a relationship, I guess, it's about the stuff in my life that affects it.

I just found out... in a very awkward way... that my soon-to-be-ex has a Fetlife page. And has had one for well over a year... since way before we decided to split. It's not the pictures and videos that have me feeling sick so much as the comments she's made. I guess we were done a lot earlier than I thought we were... I just didn't realize it, I guess.

I've made myself stop reading. It's only going to get worse. And that chapter of my life is over. Just gotta put it aside.

Kinda wish I had alcohol in the house tho. After I put the kid to bed, I really have a need to forget... I hate being responsible sometimes.
 
Ah, alcohol ... my discriminating poison of choice.

Try not to worry to much about the S2BX. Like you said, that's all in the rear-view mirror now.
 
billypi said:
Mags -- The best way I can describe it is that... she's not sex-addicted or sex-obsessed, she's sex-compelled. It's not a question of going through withdrawl, it's... it's almost OCD-like in that it -has- to happen. When the mood strikes her... middle of the night, grocery shopping, at a wedding, whatever... she has to. And if she doesn't, it eats away at her thinking until she either gets it or has a minor psychotic episode. There's other issues at work there... I don't want to go too in-depth... PTSD, social anxiety, other stuff, we'll just say that even without the nymphomania it's no picnic, and for a while it actually seemed like a way to help with the other things. But she once described it as "You know how teenaged boys think about sex all the time? Well... I'm even moreso. I would love to stop thinking about sex, even for a moment. But that just makes me think about it even more afterwards."
Click to expand...

Thanks, Billy. I know this woman is now history for you, sorry to be bothering you. I still don't see nymphomania. I am curious as I thought that was no longer a diagnosis, but I guess it is? The male counterpart being priapism? I am often as horny as a teenage boy, despite being a 59 year old woman. It started in perimenopause when my hormones changed, estrogen decreased and testosterone came to the fore.

I am sorry you two couldn't find a way to manage this. For me, having 2 lovers was pretty ideal. My former male partner was about as horny as me, and he was 61. I partly chose him for that. Now we are history, and my gf is not as horny as me, but we manage OK, she lets me hold her and kiss her a little, while I do myself, even if she doesn't want her erogenous zones touched. I wouldn't presume to force her to have sex with me.

Anyway, it makes sense your stbx is on FL. It's a very sex positive place and I hope she finds a lover or 2 that can help her be satisfied.
 
I hope she does too. Just wish she hadn't felt the need to say things about me on there. Ah, well... I may not like finding out how I got here, but I like where I am and where I'm going.
 
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