Intro/advice

Simp

New member
I'm sure every single story here is complex just like mine but I'm going to try to be brief. My wife and I have been married for about 2 and a half years now. Before we got married I introduced my wife to my cuckold fetish. While there are different levels to cucking I am somewhat masochistic, primarily emotionally. We have had several experiences that we both left feeling fulfilled and always communicate openly and honestly. I have encouraged her since the get go pretty much to enjoy this in any shape or corn she chooses, even stating out would be hot if she fell in love or even did things behind my back. I think there is at least one guy she had more than just sexual feelings for but nothing was acted on in that sense. As far as basically encouraging her to cheat, she several times over the years tried to indulge just role playing that scenario but in the end she always said she just didn't feel comfortable doing that and just could not actually do it. So fast forward to the past month. She is in graduate school and at a party she got drunk and fucked a classmate. She felt super bad about it because he has a gf. But at the same time she kept texting him and decided to see him a few more times including her spending the night at his apartment(which is gf lives with him but she was gone). They now have been texting every day all day. This has led to a lot of different things. I've tried not to be judgemental at all but I've also expressed that this could end up hurting some people. She agrees but doesn't want to stop. I made it clear that I feel she should. But at the same time because of all my desires I've played along. This is A) already longer than I intended and B) makes it clear we are both making bad decisions. I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I feel like if she can make this decision what's to keep her from leaving me and causing pain for our children as well. She's also obviously already developed an emotional attachment because she stated last night that she does believe she is poly. Now we are both quite sure that this guy is not anything like that. So I even stated again last night that the only way this can end is in pain. She basically said she's ok with that and feels like she can't stop. I am more than open to being poly but I'm worried about her and us in this particular situation. I have a feeling I know what advice I'm going to get. But I'm struggling how to deal with this and know that I need to before it gets worse.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Simp,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I take it your concerns are twofold:
  • You're worried that this other fella's girlfriend will be hurt by this;
  • You're worried that your wife will leave you for this other fella.
It seems to me that the primary power to end this with the other fella, lies with your wife. If anyone at all has such power that is, as I know your wife has said that she *can't* stop. In which case, maybe it's up to the other fella to end it. But regardless, it's not a decision you can make. You have already stated to her your concerns, and that's all you can do. Other than that, the only option you have any choice about is, whether you will divorce her preemptively, before she can hurt you. I am assuming that your answer is: No, you will not leave her. She will have to be the one to leave you, if that's what she's going to do.

You mentioned that you and your wife have been married for 2½ years, and you mentioned that your kids would be hurt if she left. Do you have kids now, or do you mean that you anticipate having kids in the future? If the latter, then I would suggest not having kids at least until you know how this is all going to play out.

It sounds like a rough situation, I feel bad for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Simp

New member
Thank you for the response. We each have a child from a previous relationship that we brought until this one. Her son was 5 when we met and his biological father was never really involved and actually passed away recently. He considers me his father. Mine is very close in age to him and they have grown very close as well. She assures me she would never ever mess this up but she's already compromising her morals and that begs the question of what would keep her from going further.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. :(

She agrees but doesn't want to stop. I made it clear that I feel she should. But at the same time because of all my desires I've played along. This is A) already longer than I intended and B) makes it clear we are both making bad decisions.

I guess you could be honest with her. You could STOP playing along. You make different decisions.

It's one thing if she's "cheating" on you with a single person because you kinda gave blanket permission to do that for your cuckhold fetish to see single people or other open married people into this fetish.

But here she is helping this BF cheat on his GF and keeping her in the dark. He is not single. This GF is being hurt. And it is hurting you too because now you are starting to think "What happened to my wife? She can see this behavior is wrong, but does it anyway? What's going to stop her from doing that kind of thing to me/us?"

It's not behavior you can admire or respect in your wife.

I've tried not to be judgemental at all but I've also expressed that this could end up hurting some people. She agrees but doesn't want to stop.

She doesn't have to stop seeing other people. She could stop seeing THIS messy dude and find better.

Their origin story is "got drunk, fucked a classmate who was on the rove looking to cheat on his GF while she was away?"

This BF is SO great or has such wonderful strength of character?

Where is the awesome here?

She's also obviously already developed an emotional attachment because she stated last night that she does believe she is poly. Now we are both quite sure that this guy is not anything like that.

She knows he's cheater. It's not like poly is magically "cheater proof." There can be people who cheat on poly agreements. Even right now... Could he be seeing a third person? And cheating on his GF and your wife with them?

Feelings happen when you spend time with a person. Break it off? Don't spend time with them? The feelings will fade in time. It's only been a month.

Is it that she's NRE drunk and getting carried away because this is her first experience outside the marriage? Kinda bungling it?

I have a feeling I know what advice I'm going to get. But I'm struggling how to deal with this and know that I need to before it gets worse.

Sigh.

You might have to tell her plain and frank that you can't turn a blind eye and play along any more. You would like her to stop being a cheater's accomplice and go find someone better to date than that. You are find with her seeing other people, but not helping to hurt people like this.

And if she doesn't end it? You might have to start thinking about walking away from her because if this goes on, it will erode trust between you and respect you have for her. People makes mistakes, but neither of you can say you are "blind to it" happening. You do see it. You both agree it is wrong.

If she isn't gonna stop? You might have to get off this bus then. Because YOU see it is wrong. And you might not like being attached to a cheating person/cheating accomplice.

It sucks to be in this spot. :(

I imagine the feelings are hard. but the actions are pretty straight forward.

If turning a blind eye feels ends up feeling crap? For new feelings to happen eventually? You have to make some new behavior choices.

If you and wife want to move toward ethical open marriage/poly? Going to have to do a bit more work educating yourselves and maybe raise the bar a bit on new partners. Pick good ones. Not messy ones.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Simp,

Is there any chance you and your wife could divorce without ruining your friendship with each other? Could you still visit each other, bringing the kids along so that they could still be friends with each other?

Just a thought.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'm sure every single story here is complex, just like mine, but I'm going to try to be brief. My wife and I have been married for about 2 and a half years now. Before we got married, I introduced my wife to my cuckold fetish. While there are different levels to cucking, I am somewhat masochistic, primarily emotionally.

We have had several experiences that left us both feeling fulfilled. We always communicate openly and honestly. I have encouraged her since the get-go, pretty much, to enjoy this in any shape or form she chooses, even stating it would be hot if she fell in love or even did things behind my back.

I think there is at least one guy she had more than just sexual feelings for, but nothing was acted on, in that sense. As far as basically encouraging her to cheat, several times over the years, she tried to indulge me by just role-playing that scenario, but in the end she always said she just didn't feel comfortable doing that and could not actually do it.

So, fast forward to the past month. She is in graduate school, and at a party she got drunk and fucked a classmate. She felt super bad about it because he has a gf. But at the same time, she kept texting him and decided to see him a few more times, including spending the night at his apartment. (His gf lives with him, but she was gone). They now have been texting every day all day.

This has led to a lot of different things. I've tried to be non-judgmental at all, but I've also expressed that this could end up hurting some people. She agrees but doesn't want to stop. I made it clear that I think she should. But at the same time, because of all my desires, I've played along.


A) already longer than I intended and

B) makes it clear we are both making bad decisions. I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I feel like if she can make this decision what's to keep her from leaving me and causing pain for our children, as well? She's also obviously already developed an emotional attachment, because she stated last night that she does believe she is poly.

We are both quite sure that this guy is not anything like that. So I even stated again last night that the only way this can end is in pain. She basically said she's OK with that, and feels like she can't stop. I am more than open to being poly, but I'm worried about her and us in this particular situation. I have a feeling I know what advice I'm going to get. But I'm struggling how to deal with this, and know that I need to before it gets worse.
It's hard to break things properly into paragraphs when I respond to posts with the current format of this board. I tried. I'd like to request you break up your long posts into paragraphs for more ease of readability. Thanks!
 

Simp

New member
I'm sorry you struggle. :(



I guess you could be honest with her. You could STOP playing along. You make different decisions.

It's one thing if she's "cheating" on you with a single person because you kinda gave blanket permission to do that for your cuckhold fetish to see single people or other open married people into this fetish.

But here she is helping this BF cheat on his GF and keeping her in the dark. He is not single. This GF is being hurt. And it is hurting you too because now you are starting to think "What happened to my wife? She can see this behavior is wrong, but does it anyway? What's going to stop her from doing that kind of thing to me/us?"

It's not behavior you can admire or respect in your wife.



She doesn't have to stop seeing other people. She could stop seeing THIS messy dude and find better.

Their origin story is "got drunk, fucked a classmate who was on the rove looking to cheat on his GF while she was away?"

This BF is SO great or has such wonderful strength of character?

Where is the awesome here?



She knows he's cheater. It's not like poly is magically "cheater proof." There can be people who cheat on poly agreements. Even right now... Could he be seeing a third person? And cheating on his GF and your wife with them?

Feelings happen when you spend time with a person. Break it off? Don't spend time with them? The feelings will fade in time. It's only been a month.

Is it that she's NRE drunk and getting carried away because this is her first experience outside the marriage? Kinda bungling it?



Sigh.

You might have to tell her plain and frank that you can't turn a blind eye and play along any more. You would like her to stop being a cheater's accomplice and go find someone better to date than that. You are find with her seeing other people, but not helping to hurt people like this.

And if she doesn't end it? You might have to start thinking about walking away from her because if this goes on, it will erode trust between you and respect you have for her. People makes mistakes, but neither of you can say you are "blind to it" happening. You do see it. You both agree it is wrong.

If she isn't gonna stop? You might have to get off this bus then. Because YOU see it is wrong. And you might not like being attached to a cheating person/cheating accomplice.

It sucks to be in this spot. :(

I imagine the feelings are hard. but the actions are pretty straight forward.

If turning a blind eye feels ends up feeling crap? For new feelings to happen eventually? You have to make some new behavior choices.

If you and wife want to move toward ethical open marriage/poly? Going to have to do a bit more work educating yourselves and maybe raise the bar a bit on new partners. Pick good ones. Not messy

I'm sorry you struggle. :(



I guess you could be honest with her. You could STOP playing along. You make different decisions.

It's one thing if she's "cheating" on you with a single person because you kinda gave blanket permission to do that for your cuckhold fetish to see single people or other open married people into this fetish.

But here she is helping this BF cheat on his GF and keeping her in the dark. He is not single. This GF is being hurt. And it is hurting you too because now you are starting to think "What happened to my wife? She can see this behavior is wrong, but does it anyway? What's going to stop her from doing that kind of thing to me/us?"

It's not behavior you can admire or respect in your wife.



She doesn't have to stop seeing other people. She could stop seeing THIS messy dude and find better.

Their origin story is "got drunk, fucked a classmate who was on the rove looking to cheat on his GF while she was away?"

This BF is SO great or has such wonderful strength of character?

Where is the awesome here?



She knows he's cheater. It's not like poly is magically "cheater proof." There can be people who cheat on poly agreements. Even right now... Could he be seeing a third person? And cheating on his GF and your wife with them?

Feelings happen when you spend time with a person. Break it off? Don't spend time with them? The feelings will fade in time. It's only been a month.

Is it that she's NRE drunk and getting carried away because this is her first experience outside the marriage? Kinda bungling it?



Sigh.

You might have to tell her plain and frank that you can't turn a blind eye and play along any more. You would like her to stop being a cheater's accomplice and go find someone better to date than that. You are find with her seeing other people, but not helping to hurt people like this.

And if she doesn't end it? You might have to start thinking about walking away from her because if this goes on, it will erode trust between you and respect you have for her. People makes mistakes, but neither of you can say you are "blind to it" happening. You do see it. You both agree it is wrong.

If she isn't gonna stop? You might have to get off this bus then. Because YOU see it is wrong. And you might not like being attached to a cheating person/cheating accomplice.

It sucks to be in this spot. :(

I imagine the feelings are hard. but the actions are pretty straight forward.

If turning a blind eye feels ends up feeling crap? For new feelings to happen eventually? You have to make some new behavior choices.

If you and wife want to move toward ethical open marriage/poly? Going to have to do a bit more work educating yourselves and maybe raise the bar a bit on new partners. Pick good ones. Not messy ones.

Galagirl
Thanks for your response. I agree with a lot of what you say. Before I even saw your post though, I had a conversation with my wife and told her I could not be a part of her affair. I told her if everyone in this situation knew then it would be a completely different story. She is very understanding but obviously struggling with her feelings. I'm trying not to be judgemental because I've done shitty things in my life. I told her that if she decides to continue that all the blame for anything that goes wrong will be on her and if she's willing to risk whatever may come from that then that is her choice. I'm her husband not her boss.

I won't leave because I love her, faults and all.

She decided to have a conversation with the guy this evening. She told me they discussed how they're feeling, what they want from this, and whether they are willing to risk hurting anyone. He stated before this that he planned on marrying his gf and still does plan on that. My wife told him that she won't ever leave me but does believe she can have feelings for both of us. In the end they decided the risk is apparently worth it and they are going to continue their relationship.

They obviously aren't using the best judgement and this could easily blow up in their faces. All of their classmates know he's got a gf. One of them is close to her and another already saw them fucking that first night. I've done all I can do and my wife knows the incredible risks but I think she's also getting off on the thrill of it. She's also blamed this on her ADHD and poor impulse control.

Anyway I figured I needed an outlet and thank you for listening and trying to help.
 

Simp

New member
Hi Simp,

Is there any chance you and your wife could divorce without ruining your friendship with each other? Could you still visit each other, bringing the kids along so that they could still be friends with each other?

Just a thought.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Hey Kevin,

I don't think it would work like that and I also am not even close to considering divorce.
 

Simp

New member
It's hard to break things properly into paragraphs when I respond to posts with the current format of this board. I tried. I'd like to request you break up your long posts into paragraphs for more ease of readability. Thanks!
I apologize for my lazy formatting. I was just trying to get the information out and didn't consider it being difficult to read. But you are right.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Well maybe the thing for you to do here is to approach this situation with a, "Not if, but when," type of philosophy. In other words, you pretty well know that this affair your wife is having, isn't going to end well. So maybe the thing to do is to start preparing yourself now, for the inevitable train wreck. What will you do, how will you handle it, when this fella's other girlfriend (the one he says he wants to marry) finds out about the affair and the shiz hits the fan. Will you stand up and support your wife in what she has done, or will you let her pay the price for the damage she has caused? Just some food for thought.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am not clear.

Are you a consenting participant now?

Or are were you clear in telling wife "I see you are cheating for real. Not like "cheating" on me for the kink thing, but really actually hurting this GF in the dark. Real cheating. I do not consent to this. As far as I'm concerned, he's cheating in secret and you are cheating out in the open where I know. But it's a crap way to behave and I don't like it."

Or where you more like "Oh, well, wash my hands of it. All on you" going along with it? Tacit consent?

She decided to have a conversation with the guy this evening. She told me they discussed how they're feeling, what they want from this, and whether they are willing to risk hurting anyone. He stated before this that he planned on marrying his gf and still does plan on that. My wife told him that she won't ever leave me but does believe she can have feelings for both of us. In the end they decided the risk is apparently worth it and they are going to continue their relationship.

While keeping the GF in the dark? Who might agree to become his wife not knowing all this is happening behind her back?

I've done all I can do and my wife knows the incredible risks but I think she's also getting off on the thrill of it.

Have you done all you can do?

If you see someone about to get run over by a car that they don't see coming, do you shout "Hey! Get out of they way!" at them?

If you know this woman's BF cheats on her with your wife and she doesn't see that... do your personal ethics obligate you to shout at her "Hey! Get out of the way! Def don't marry the dude!"

I had a conversation with my wife and told her I could not be a part of her affair.

What do your personal ethics say there?

If you say nothing to warn the woman, are you part of the affair then? Tacitly helping your wife keep the woman in the dark?

It's like "Great! I'm not even the one doing this cheating behavior, and here I have to wrestle with UGH now. Thanks a lot, wife!"

Your wife put you in a rough spot. I can tell you are not thrilled. And you need an outlet to do your own processing and maybe disappointment in your wife.

She's also blamed this on her ADHD and poor impulse control.

That is the reason why she fucked him at the party.

I think she's also getting off on the thrill of it.

That is the reason for keeping on with it even though she admits it is wrong?

Getting her rocks off from cheating and helping to keep some other woman in the dark? To me that is mean. :(

You are gonna start looking at your wife in a different light.

They obviously aren't using the best judgement and this could easily blow up in their faces. All of their classmates know he's got a gf. One of them is close to her and another already saw them fucking that first night.

If you see the train wreck coming? Steel yourself then for come what may. Including any blowback that might land on you. :(

Galagirl
 
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Simp

New member
I guess I really have a lot of thinking to do. I didn't want to think of it like but you're right. If I don't say anything and let this keep going then I am complicit. I don't want to hurt anyone either but it seems there is no way around that now.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from Simp):
"We each have a child from a previous relationship that we brought into this one. Her son was five when we met and his biological father was never really involved and actually passed away recently. He considers me his father. Mine is very close in age to him and they have grown very close as well. She assures me she would never ever mess this up but she's already compromising her morals and that begs the question of what would keep her from going further."

I forgot about this part. Let me just belatedly say that you should probably prepare yourself (emotionally, financially, etc.) for the likelihood that she will eventually leave you (and break up the kids). Maybe there's a way to prepare the kids for that likelihood as well, though I couldn't say what that way is.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I guess I really have a lot of thinking to do. I didn't want to think of it like but you're right. If I don't say anything and let this keep going then I am complicit. I don't want to hurt anyone either but it seems there is no way around that now.

Their actions have hurt/are hurting you too. You are now having to deal with this headache when you aren't even the one that did anything wrong.

People can make mistakes. The first time it happened? It could have been a mistake from a lapse in judgement.

To keep going with it? That's on purpose.

Would be better if wife told the guy "Hey, I want to keep going. But unless you are single, or unless you come clean with GF and she consents to open relationships? I can't be doing this cheating behind her back thing. So look me up when you are actually available."

He either gets it together or he doesn't.

If wife doesn't want to do that? Then I guess you have to decide how you feel about being with someone who is ok cheating and hurting other people. Even you.

How much you are / are not willing to put up with.

Galagirl
 

Simp

New member
Their actions have hurt/are hurting you too. You are now having to deal with this headache when you aren't even the one that did anything wrong.
People can make mistakes. The first time it happened? It could have been a mistake from a lapse in judgement.

To keep going with it? That's on purpose.

Would be better if wife told the guy "Hey, I want to keep going. But unless you are single, or unless you come clean with GF and she consents to open relationships? I can't be doing this cheating behind her back thing. So look me up when you are actually available."
I have told her exactly this. My issue is 100% transparency between all parties involved and because he is in a relationship, whether she knows it or not, his gf is involved. If he's single or his gf knows then this whole thing is a non issue for me.
He either gets it together or he doesn't.

If wife doesn't want to do that? Then I guess you have to decide how you feel about being with someone who is ok cheating and hurting other people. Even you.

How much you are / are not willing to put up with.

Galagirl
We've been in constant communication about this for the past week and I feel the fact that we have that going for us and the fact that we're able to honestly talk about our feelings (the good, the bad, and the ugly) is a positive in all this. She hasn't just shut me down or trivialized my feelings. I think if I stick to my guns she will start to feel the guilt that she should and ultimately end this relationship. Thank you for your words of wisdom and helping me sift through my feelings.
 
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