Invited husband and lover to forums

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polymusing

New member
Well, I went ahead and sent emails to both of them this morning, inviting them to come here. I'm very nervous. I can tell by all the typos I've had to fix. I don't know if they will. I don't know how this day is going to go.
 
Well, tell 'em to stop and say hi

I'm not sure how that will work, I really don't want my wife to come on here, as I use this place to help me collect and organize my thoughts and receive feedback.
 
Both of my partners come on here. Not everything pertains to us, but most at least invokes conversation! Communication is a good thing!
 
Well, I then take that feedback back into our relationship.
 
Right now, I am on pins and needles waiting for a chance to talk with my husband. He's read the email. He is upset. But he has a meeting right now. He works at home. I have no clue how this day is gonna go down.
 
It did not go well. Has anybody else started from a place where their partner/spouse/whatever went from "NO WAY" to understanding and trying this?

We talked a little (time constraints) and we'll talk again tonight. I don't think my husband even came here. In fact, he read the link with the word polyamory and thought it said polygamy (and he stewed there for hours). He said a lot of things that confused me and I'm sitting here not knowing what to do next.
 
Right now, I'm realizing that the man I want as a lover (we really aren't yet), may never be, and I feel such utter sadness. I will keep talking with my husband, because there's nothing else to do but talk.

Has anyone been in this place, where they've brought up the possibility, had that door slammed in their face, but a change of heart occurred?

Right now, I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. And I've been so happy this past year. Even with tragedies, I've been happy.
 
Have definitely been there. When we started out, it was a swinging thing. My sort-of partner at the time had been friends with my partners before I was. Because I wanted to be part of Sea and Tommy's life, I thought, "This is great, we all get to be together." The problem was, he wasn't honest with himself or us. Once I was with Tommy, he put conditions on our relationship. I couldn't be with Tommy and still have him, as well. It worked for about 6 months, and that was it for me.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was already in love with Tommy. It didn't take away from the love I felt for this other man, but even though he started out in this type of relationship, he couldn't stay with it. Bottom line, he made me absolutely miserable, and hurt Sea. When we broke up, he couldn't be friends with Sea anymore. So not only did he break up with me, he broke up with her, and she didn't do anything except accept Tommy and me, and be his friend. Definitely his loss.
 
I've been in approximately your place, polymusing. I knew in my heart that I couldn't do this whole monogamy thing, but I also knew that I couldn't cheat, as I hold honesty in the highest regard. When I first tried tell my husband about it, he stormed out of the house. That was in July. By September, he accepted that this was non-negotiable to me, but he wasn't sure that he could accept it. Then he did research and read. Last weekend we sat down and talked again about it, to lay down "the rules," which pretty much consisted of not dating people that he couldn't stand (not that there is anyone in that category, but in general). We talked about my highly inconvenient current crush and now he lovingly teases me about it.

In short, when there's life, there's hope. Everyone moves at their own pace, particularly when they are scared or confused.
 
Sorry this has been rough

I will say though, my wife and I have alluded to all of this for years. We had a "some flirting" model that was a great placeholder. But we never wanted to make things too complicated for either of us. Plus the place where we lived would not have been conducive to this lifestyle.

It took us years to get to where we are, and even in here, some people think it was a rough way for it to happen, but it was what was needed. Sometimes I wish that we'd have done this years ago, but that would not have made this any easier.

Now, as I reflect on my old relationships, I realize I may never have been monogamous-minded. Perhaps this was why it was easy for me to hear from my wife. It startled me that it didn't shock me. I could not imagine how it would have gone had I probably not been poly at heart all along.

Make sure you openly communicate with him. Make sure this sparks up your relationship with him. Make sure he understands that this is not just about you, but both of you.
 
Just a thought, but this is why I think a forum for us golden oldies that have been in polyamorous relationships for awhile would be ideal. I think that anyone who knows nothing about poly, and comes on here, would have their minds blown away if their partner were asking for this kind of lifestyle. That way, there would be a forum for those just starting out, to ask questions and feel comfortable at the first stage.
 
Honestly, I think the forum format had less to do with the issues than the general fact that polyamory was going on the table for him.

If people want to educate partners about polyamory, they're much better off with all sorts of other educational material that's online than to look to a forum where people are posting their dramas. Forums of any topic by their very nature are interactive in how they educate. They generally aren't as effective for education when looking on as a bystander. There's a wealth of info online that goes way beyond what these forums offer in that regard.
 
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I totally agree. However, if people are going to come here looking for an intro to poly and support, I think it would be responsible to leave them the "new to poly" forum. Then others can go and get into their relationships more on a thread for those who have been "living the life" for awhile. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy for insisting here, but I would love to be able to not have to wade through stuff I am not interested in.

*sigh* Whatever. It's not that important, really, in the grand scheme of things.
 
I see your point, but honestly, I think people would have more to learn from looking through more experienced people's stories instead of the blind leading the blind. I just tend not to visit or respond to the threads I'm not interested in, and that seems to work just fine.
 
I have swung from regretting that I ever even let my private thoughts out into the world (by telling both men that I loved both of them) to wishing I'd moved at a slower pace, glacial perhaps (even though it would have meant pretending I didn't feel what I felt), to thinking maybe this might work out okay in the end (maybe not how I want it to end, but okay).

The thing that hurts the most is the realization that's come in my discussions with my husband (we are talking - I'll say that much) is that what I'd thought was a strong, good relationship, obviously had problems. We were married long enough to fall into behavior ruts that were not good. But since we weren't "unhappy" with each other, we didn't see it. This has maybe bumped us out of our rut, which may be a good thing. But I shook the foundation of my husband's world and I'm not sure what the new structure will look like when we rebuild.

He said he wants this other man out of his life. He did not say out of mine. He understands our relationship is so long-standing that if he did that, it might mean the end of all relationships.

So, why am I still writing here? Because I still love both of them. I cannot choose one over the other. The one I've called my lover here (even though he's not, really), is backing away from me, since he's been on both sides and remembers how he felt.

There are times when I feel like I've screwed up so many lives in such a short period of time, that I feel overwhelmed. Yet, I'm still functioning and handling day-to-day stuff, so I guess I'm not that bad off.

I just wish I had thought about this some more.
 
Major fundamental life-changing self-discovery like that is freaking hard, no matter how you go about it. Hang in there.
 
polymusing said:
But I shook the foundation of my husband's world and I'm not sure what the new structure will look like when we rebuild.

He said he wants this other man out of his life. He did not say out of mine (he understands our relationship is so long-standing that if he did that, it might mean the end of all relationships).

Though the one (the one I've called my lover here even though he's not really) is backing away from me, since he's been on both sides and remembers how he felt.

There are times when I feel like I've screwed up so many lives here in such a short period of time, that I feel overwhelmed. Yet, I'm still functioning and handling day to day stuff, so I guess I'm not that bad off.

I just wish I had thought about this some more.
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Ugh. Yes, I've been here. Right in this spot. 24 year marriage. 9 month relationship with a man we both loved (not sexual) Husband's world tumbling... Ugh. The stress was enormous.

Big big big hugs. Listen, sweetie. You haven't screwed up lives. Not yet. PM me if you want, because this situation is well over for me and I don't want to describe it at length, but if lover is backing away, let him go. Really. If someone wants out, you might be able to hold him, but, eventually. Let him back out, or distance himself, or whatever, so you and husband can regroup. You can deal with the husband and the problems you have with him in a much less volatile situation. Whatever happens with the marriage will be infinitely less difficult with a safer place to deal with it.

If the lover really wants it, he'll come back. If he doesn't, you've learned extremely important things about what you want, and what the relationship with your husband is really like.

I know you probably won't be able to do this, but there it is.

BIGGEST HUG EVER.
 
???

This isn't about meat - (which we all enjoy).

But to continue along these lines...

if meat is polyamory

my husband does not believe in it, no way, no how.

I do.

We love each other.

We have to figure this out.
 
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