is a one-sided open marriage right for us?

[plshelplol]

hi! i just stumbled upon this site and am in desperate need of advice. my partner and i have been together for almost 6 yrs total and are newly weds. i’m 25(F) and my partner (who is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns) is 26.

my partner has always had a much higher sex drive than myself, but in recent years things have really come to a head. i have several chronic health issues that have worsened over time (chronic fatigue and chronic pain making it virtually impossible to function on a day to day). we have sex varying from a couple times a month to a couple times a week, depending on various life factors. if it were up to my partner, we’d be having sex daily, if not multiple times per day. they have quite the stamina, so it takes a good two hours of dressing up in lingerie, mutual masturbation, role play, ropes, toys, penetration etc. for them to feel satisfied. on top of my health issues, i also work with small children, so i often feel extremely “max capacity” in terms of emotional and physical energy spent on getting through the day.

my partner and i are both queer, and years ago we experimented with being polyamorous. there was one girl that we slept with, together, a couple times but ultimately we didn’t really make a connection. then, there was another girl who we dated for about 6-7 months. i fell totally in love with her, my partner and her had more of a “friends with benefits” relationship. ultimately, shit went sideways and it was a total disaster that almost ended our relationship entirely. now, we’ve been monogamous for several years but it’s just not working.

my partner and i love each other very much and have a deep understanding of each other. nothing about us is perfect, but we are truly perfect for each other. a classic “opposites attract” love story that has been so incredibly beautiful thus far. however, they have these sexual needs that i simply can’t meet. i don’t want them to have to “swallow” this part of themself for the rest of our lives, their needs, their kinks, etc. but i also don’t want to go through with sexual acts that i’m not really interested in for their sake. attempting to fulfill their desires when i’m not really interested only breeds resentment and makes me more uncomfy. i’m really not interested in sleeping with anyone else, although my partner has brought it up in the past bc they have a cuckhold kink. they’ve also expressed wanting to go to sex/swingers clubs, glory holes, etc which i’m not interested in either. they’ve not pressured me further, of course, once i expressed disinterest.

to sum it all up, basically my spouse is very frustrated with not getting their needs met, and i’m constantly riddled with guilt that they’re suppressing their desires for my sake. i don’t really like the idea of them sleeping with/having sexual interactions (whether online or in person) with someone else, but i don’t want them to be miserable. if we were to open the marriage, i wouldn’t really want to know about their interactions with others, but im also not sure that a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation would make me feel any better. the dynamic of me having such a low libido and them having such a high one has put so much stress on our relationship, which otherwise functions fantastically outside of the sexual aspect.

has anyone else on here had success with a one-sided open marriage when one partner has a much higher libido? does anyone have any other recommendations to resolve this issue? we are committed to spending the rest of our lives together, so i’d really appreciate any insight. thanks y’all!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening like this.

we are committed to spending the rest of our lives together, so i’d really appreciate any insight. thanks y’all!

Gently... does it HAVE to be as lovers and spouses? Could you be better off being life-long friends instead? Would that be a more compatible relationship shape to share with each other, rather than doing this?

Then they can go do all the things they want to be doing sexually. And you don't have to. You each could seek more compatible lovers/spouses instead. You both get to stop feeling frustrated.

If you are going to try polyamory again, I think it could be open on BOTH sides. Then both sides have the option to see other people. If you don't see other people, it is because YOU decided not to date right now, and not because you don't even get the option at all.

Do not date the same people anymore, either.

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. Some people want both things. Some people group sex only. Some people want polyamory only.

Figure out what YOU want in your life and if this partner is actually compatible for that or not.

we have sex varying from a couple times a month to a couple times a week, depending on various life factors

Honestly? People are all different, but that sounds about average to me, a couple times a week to a couple times a month, depending on life factors. You are a chronic health patient, not a sex-dispensing machine.

if it were up to my partner, we’d be having sex daily, if not multiple times per day. they have quite the stamina, so it takes a good two hours of dressing up in lingerie, mutual masturbation, role play, ropes, toys, penetration etc. for them to feel satisfied.

Two hour sessions daily or multiple times a day? That sounds like a lot to me. Eight hours sleeping, eight hours working, then the last 8 hours has to spread out over commuting, chores, eating meals, showers, hobbies, socializing with friends and family, sharing sex, etc. There are only so many hours in a day.

You call yourself "low libido," when, given your chronic patient stuff, job stuff, and life stuff, you sound average to me.

I'm kinda wondering if Partner has a very high libido, if they are seeking stimulus or self medicating with sex, or have something else going on?

has anyone else on here had success with a one-sided open marriage when one partner has a much higher libido? does anyone have any other recommendations to resolve this issue?

If you two are not sexually compatible, you just aren't. Rather than banging your heads on wall about that, maybe step back to reassess compatibility for long-term marriage and polyamory. I might be wrong in my impression, but you don't really sound like you actually want polyamory. You are coming to it like it will be a "marriage band-aid" thing, or an "outsource sex so I don't have to" thing.

At 25/26-years old, some people haven't even gotten married once yet. I don't know what sort of marriage prep you two did. But while it's still early marriage, and there are no kids or deep-sounding entanglements, maybe you step back and evaluate if you are actually suited for marriage to each other or not. That would be another way to go.

my partner and i love each other very much and have a deep understanding of each other.

Maybe the most loving thing to do is to change how things are and not be married?

You two are the ones there. I don't know if couples counseling could help you two figure it out.

I do not suggest bending yourselves all into pretzels. That would not be healthy for either of you.

Galagirl

 

[plshelplol]

thank you so much for this response! i really appreciate the insight, and my partner did as well. tbh i’ve definitely wondered the same about their sex drive, i never want to shame them but i do question if they want/need a lot more than most ppl, and if there’s something to unpack there?

i respect & appreciate your honesty, but divorce is definitely not on the table for us. i know how it sounds, with the sex aspect & us being so young. but we just get along so well outside of the sexual incompatibility & have such a unique bond, i feel like there has to be a better option than splitting up?

i see what you mean about it being open on both sides. you’re right, it would be unfair for me to create such a dynamic, even though i’ll likely never act on it lol. time for us to get a therapist, i guess?

 

[Tinwen]

Hi,

Chronic illness is just hard, and sometimes there are no good solutions available, but you should choose one that you can be at peace with. It sounds like you do lean towards choosing polyamory over either them suppressing his sexual needs, you servicing them, or a divorce. Looking from the outside (with no real experience in this particular situation) it does seem reasonable to me. Your partner has higher sex drive, but also generally more energy in life. It's possible they could meet your relationship needs and also someone else's.

But, does it feel like a "valid choice and reasonable challenge", or like the "only option" to you? "Only option" is never good.

Can you trust your partner to be a good hinge and not neglect you once NRE kicks in? One can never know, but what's your gut feeling?

Take your time reading and talking before you open up again.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm going to offer more perspective on the sex-drives. I think it can be quite normal for a person to want sex once a day, or more than once. I do NOT jump to the conclusion that wanting that is a sign of some deep issue, some hole in the soul they are filling with sex. I am well-versed in the sex-positive kink community and the feelings of the members of it. Lots of people find kink to be extremely fulfilling and more enjoyable than anything else. Swingers as well (although I am not one) meet and mingle in clubs where they feel happy and comfortable with many others who feel the same way.

The power of testosterone can not be denied. Maybe your partner has a strong reaction to their own hormones, or perhaps they are on T to affirm their gender. That's fine for them.

All that said, of course I agree with GG that you are in no way expected to be a "sex-dispensing machine." I also (while much older than you), struggle with chronic pain (arthritis, bursitis). I happen to have a strong libido still (at my age, it's rather unusual), but I can't keep up with Aries, sadly (lord knows I try!). And on the other hand, Pixi has a lower sex drive than I, and I accommodate for that and entirely respect it.

One of the main reasons I am polyamorous (besides falling in love easily) is so I can seek partners who have a higher sex drive than Pixi. Her bf Malachi, like her, has a lower sex drive, so she doesn't feel any pressure there for sex. They enjoy cuddling very much.

I don't think your partner seeking others for sex, or love, as the case may be, to be unhealthy or merely a Band-Aid on the relationship. Millions and billions of couples have mismatched libidos, while sharing deep love and wanting to live together.

I'd say that an open relationship could work great for you. Your partner can do all those things they want to do and you'd get blessed relief from the guilt of not being able, or wanting to, meet their needs. Pixi could attest to that. She, in fact, feels MORE sexual with me when I am getting my main needs met elsewhere; she can "do it" when she wants to, and not out of a feeling of obligation.

The issue would be managing your open relationship in a happy, healthy, successful way. Sharing a partner is not usually recommended. I don't wonder that your attempt at that ended in disaster. We get sad stories like that here all the time. It's a shame that couples still believe the way to open is to "share a third." Here are a couple of articles on that:

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...

www.readyforpolyamory.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

The key to opening for you, I believe, would be good workable negotiated guidelines and boundaries. List them out for yourself. Ask your spouse for their own list. Do a lot of research into open relationships/polyamory. (Most couples who succeed do at least a year of research before opening.) Once you do open, you both need to be willing to renegotiate guidelines you find to be unworkable, impractical, or constricting. Don't be afraid to renegotiate. Don't expect everything to be perfect when partner starts experimenting. They should feel free to talk about what they find unworkable for them. Experience and reality are different than fantasy...

Your partner might have "kid in a candy store" syndrome for a time. Aries is still newer to poly than me, so we deal in this. I just point out when I feel he's going a bit overboard. I make sure we keep our lines of communication open and make sure to point out as soon as possible when I am feeling uncomfortable. (Look up NRE, new relationship energy, too.)

You might want these things:

I don't want to date the people you date
I don't want to hear details of your dates, especially the sex
I want regular weekly focused dates with you, fun "vanilla" outings, and so on
I want *some* sex, the kind that accommodates for my pain and energy levels
I still want lots of cuddles and conversation
I don't want you to have dates, including overnight dates, with other partners more than X times a month
I don't want you to get carried away to the point you neglect household chores (keeping the house tidy and well-maintained, vehicle maintenance, running errands, etc.)
I want you to continue to go see friends and family with me
I expect you to use barriers and practice safer sex (STD testing, etc.)

Your partner can be free to explore their kinks-- glory holes, cuckolding, ropes, lingerie, etc., etc., with others. It sounds like they love you very much and WILL be aware that they are lucky to have a spouse who will consent to them having their needs/desires met elsewhere, and will listen and make changes as needed to keep you feeling valued, loved, respected, cared for.

I see this as just a part of a solid marriage. No one is going to be perfectly matched in every way. Maybe you like to paint, and they like to rock-climb. Maybe you like to bike and they like to crochet. Maybe you like showtunes and they like rap. You're not obligated to do all these things together! You can dabble a little in each other's interests, if you're up to it, just out of love, but it's not necessary to neglect your own needs and desires to accommodate a partner's interests.

Please feel free to ask more questions. We're here to help.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps you some.

Again, you two are the ones there.

I see what you mean about it being open on both sides. You’re right, it would be unfair for me to create such a dynamic, even though i’ll likely never act on it. Time for us to get a therapist, I guess?

Yes, you could try working with a couples counselor.

divorce is definitely not on the table for us. i know how it sounds, with the sex aspect and us being so young. but we just get along so well outside of the sexual incompatibility & have such a unique bond, i feel like there has to be a better option than splitting up.

You two get to design the kind of marriage you want to share. Later you each get to decide if the marriage you designed together is actually fulfilling or not, and if you want to keep going with it. Some people act like, "That's it. We're married. Sealed for life." Others approach marriage like, "We're married. Here's the 5-year plan. We check in periodically, and definitely check in for the next 5-year plan." Some do something in between.

You could list all the options in order of preference with the counselor. It's ok if divorce is the last resort. But list it anyway. You also have to list your dealbreakers. Your partner has to list their dealbreakers.

People don't WANT their plane to crash. They still pack parachutes anyway. People don't WANT to divorce. They could still make an emergency plan. If you end up not needing it, not a problem. If you do need it, it's made already, so you don't have to make the emergency plan while you're bogged down with feelings of crisis.

If you can't even talk about it when nothing is happening and things are calm, why is that?

You have to figure out what aligns or not, and what is compatible or not, both for a HEALTHY marriage, and for HEALTHY polyamory, if you are going to do that.

What if one (or both) of you poly dates, and decides they'd rather be married to the other partner instead?
What about an accidental pregnancy?
Where's the dating budget going to come from? Even if you don't date, are you going to get the same "fun budget" and time to do your things on your own and with friends?
How about regular dates with each other?
How "public" will you be about being polyamorists? With friends and family, but not at work? Something else?
Can you each date whoever? Or would you rather your partner NOT date your parents, your siblings, your best friend, your coworkers, your students?

There's lots to figure out. Don't jump in blind. Spend some time learning about polyamory and making realistic agreements.

I don't know if this helps you find a poly-informed counselor.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello plshelplol,

You need to figure out whether a one-sided open marriage is right for you. It sounds like the two of you are perfect for each other in every way, other than this one little thing. Namely, that they have sexual needs that you just can't meet. To be honest, it doesn't sound like you really want the marriage to be open for either of you. Your partner is kinky and you are vanilla. I don't know how to solve this disconnect between the two of you. In a way I think you should amicably divorce, and just be friends, but I know that's probably not what you want to hear. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[plshelplol]

Thank you, everyone, for your insight! We will definitely look into these resources. I think maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough in the initial post. The sex issue is definitely not such an ordeal that we’d split up over it. It's more that we’re looking for solutions now so that we never have to end up on the brink of divorce years down the line. We’re very committed to spending our lives together, but of course, if the relationship no longer served us, we’d cross that bridge when we got to it. I appreciate y’all being so respectful and giving us different perspectives!

 

[kdt26417]

Well as it stands, you must remain married, and just look for solutions for your sexual disconnect. If that changes in the future, then so be it. Let me know if I can help.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you, everyone, for your insight! We will definitely look into these resources. I think maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough in the initial post. The sex issue is definitely not such an ordeal that we’d split up over it. It's more that we’re looking for solutions now so that we never have to end up on the brink of divorce years down the line. We’re very committed to spending our lives together, but of course, if the relationship no longer served us, we’d cross that bridge when we got to it. I appreciate y’all being so respectful and giving us different perspectives!

You're welcome. Feel free to ask more questions.

By the way, in ENM, "don't ask, don't tell" has a specific meaning. Generally it is not recommended in the strictest sense. A real DADT agreement would mean your partner does not tell you he is going on a date with someone. He'd just "go out," or tell you he was going out "with friends," "visiting my brother," "staying late at work," "traveling for business," "going to the gym," or anything to prevent you from facing the fact that he is seeing a partner.

This can be extremely distancing and cause a lack of intimacy, a real rift in an otherwise good relationship. Usually the partners that choose this are already fairly estranged and just "going through the motions" of a marriage for social or economic reasons, or "for the kids."

What you might want is just something rather discreet. You know he has a FWB or a gf. You know her name, her number (in case of emergencies), what town she lives in. You know he is sexually involved with her, or romantically involved, as the case may be. You joyfully consent to this. You probably want to know if he's going to be home that night, and at what time, or if he plans to spend the night. You might want to know if they're going to an event. If he stays overnight, you might want a good night and/or good morning text.

You definitely need to know and trust that your partner is practicing safer sex (barriers, regular STI labs, recent test for him and any new partners before they first have sex).

What you may NOT want is any kind of play-by-play of their day or evening activities, especially any sexual ones. This is perfectly common and "normal" in ENM/polyamory. This is NOT DADT, it's just called being discreet. It is part of "parallel polyamory," where you never, or rarely, meet your partner's partners (your metamours).

 

[MeeraReed]

My first thought for you: Giving your partner the freedom of an open marriage sounds totally fine to me. But if you want to do that, you have to figure out a way to become okay with them having sex with others. That could be as simple as you accepting the emotional discomfort, sitting with it, and getting used to it. You might find that it's not so bad as you imagine.

Longer advice from my experience: Your relationship reminds me so much of my 12-year relationship with Eli! Although Eli and I are now exes, our relationship was very loving and functional for over a decade. We remain deeply caring friends.

Eli is an extreme extrovert, very kinky, with a VERY high sex drive and a need for a lot of variety and stimulation. I am an introvert, mildly kinky, with a high sex drive compared to most people, but MUCH lower than Eli's, and my kinks are barely anything compared to his. I am calm and quiet and thoughtful, where he is chatty, driven, energetic, and spontaneous.

Definitely, opposites attract! For a decade, we appreciated the opposite qualities in each other and found each other adorable. We had a lot of common ground in intellectual interests, books, theater, etc., and general life outlook, and we could talk for hours.

Two big differences from your relationship: 1) Eli and I were non-monogamous from our first date. Both of us have always felt inherently non-monogamous and that was a major thing we had in common. We started seeing each other casually at first, at a time when neither of us was looking for a serious partner. Then we became deep friends, then we fell in love. We kept being non-monogamous with no issues. Neither of us experience sexual jealousy, so that was never a problem. We believe pretty strongly in autonomy and lack of "ownership" over partners.

I always felt the non-monogamy was extremely helpful, given Eli's high sex drive. We had great sex together--and when I'd had enough, Eli wasn't even slightly tired. It was genuinely a relief to me that he had other partners! Eli always had plenty of sexual energy for me, and I always felt that what he did with other partners didn't impact me.

2) The other difference is, he and I did not live together (or legally marry). Part of our opposite personalities included having very different daily living situation needs. We were very happy to NOT cohabitate for a decade. It definitely made poly dating easier to not have to navigate bringing partners over to a shared living space. (But a factor in our eventual breakup was living too far apart and not being able to create a compromise living situation; but that's not relevant to the advice I'd give for your situation).

So, our different sex drives were never a problem in our relationship, because non-monogamy allows for a structure in which it simply didn't need to be a problem. Eli never had to pressure me and I never had to feel guilty.

I had the freedom to date others, but I never did. Mostly I didn't have the free time and energy, but I also tried a few times and didn't click with anyone. Like you, I get drained from my job and external social interactions, so craved time alone more than I craved a second partner. Overall, I felt "poly-saturated" at one partner, but I appreciated that the freedom was there if I wanted it.

Toward the end of our relationship, I wondered if maybe I was just more inclined to be monogamous. But ironically, now that I am not with Eli, I am discovering anew that my sex drive is much higher than most people's (just much lower than Eli's!), so I definitely don't want to be monogamous with anyone, specifically for that reason.

You don't need to think of your open marriage as "one-sided" just because you don't feel like dating others right now. You can decide that you don't need another sex partner because you are satisfied with just your spouse, but you'll have the freedom to explore feelings for others down the road if it ever comes up (on your own terms, not for your partner's cuckold fantasy; like, maybe you'll develop an asexual romantic friendship some day).

I sympathize with your chronic health issues. In my case, it was actually Eli who had the chronic pain. His condition worsened in the last years of our relationship, and some of the choices he made regarding how to deal with the pain were definitely a factor in our breakup.

Regarding the difficulty you have functioning day-to-day: do you think that your might struggle with frustration that your spouse can go off to date others while you are struggling with pain and daily life? Or is your spouse such a source of support to you, in ways that you know will continue even if they have the freedom to date others, that you might be okay with them developing connections outside of you?

Eli was such a loving partner to me for so many years. I never wanted to restrict his sexual exploration and needs.

And he simply seemed to have many more complex physical needs than I did. Like, his brain chemistry and physiology (physiognomy?) are just totally different than mine.

The one warning I would give from my experience with Eli: that kind of high need for stimulation and kink (which you describe in your partner too, needing hours of intense kinky sex sessions, constant new experiences, emotional rushes, to feel satisfied)-- I don't think that means the person has a problem, per se. I think our society is not very accepting of that kind of sex drive and tends to pathologize it. But it is indeed part of a spectrum of brain chemistry that tends toward manic behaviors and is susceptible to recreational drug use and spontaneous bad decisions.

So, maybe discuss with your partner what some reasonable limits might be.