My wife and I recently decided to open our marriage. One of our rules is that we cannot have sex with people we had sex with prior to our marriage/relationship. However, my wife currently engages in occasional text and phone conversations with someone from her sexual past (by occasional I mean a few times a month). Additionally, she's seen him in person multiple times in the past year (dinner and drinks once, at a party another time). She says it's platonic and I'm inclined to believe her. But when I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with their relationship, she compares it to my communication with someone from my sexual past who I've had a handful of brief text exchanges with in the past year, and who I haven't seen or spoken to on the phone in almost 10 years....is this a fair comparison?
Is it fair to compare these situations?
- Thread starter money44
- Start date
Emm
Stealth Mod
Is your rule that you can't have sex with a previous partner, or that you can't have any contact with a previous partner? If it's the latter then yes, your two examples are as bad as each other. If it's the former, then your wife is not doing anything to contravene your rule and you should stay out of her business.
BathedInSalt
New member
In my opinion: This rule and questions of fairness sound like you're sailing troubled waters.
More than Two has a take on these rules. I encourage you to find their source and then you may find you don't need them at all.
Rules may seem like they are protecting you, but end up harming instead.
More than Two also has a take on fairness. It's not a tit for tat, it's not a "you get an old lover, so I get one too" situation.
At the end of the day you do you, but I encourage you both to find the source of this stuff.
The heart wants what the heart wants, neither of you can control that.
Also this: "She says it's platonic and I'm inclined to believe her." Do you trust her?
One of the best things Dean (my husband) has done for me is giving me the space to have the kind of relationships with others that I want to. That means not having to define relationships, or fit them into boxes. It's great for me because I have relationships that don't fit/won't fit into those boxes and he doesn't get upset because I have too many people in box A or he doesn't have to keep up with how my relationships change as they tend to be quite fluid with people I care for.
I'm not meaning to imply there's anything wrong with your rule, although I'm certain it comes off that way.
If this doesn't apply to you please chuck it out the window. I will not be offended. I barely know what I'm doing in Poly.
More than Two has a take on these rules. I encourage you to find their source and then you may find you don't need them at all.
Rules may seem like they are protecting you, but end up harming instead.
More than Two also has a take on fairness. It's not a tit for tat, it's not a "you get an old lover, so I get one too" situation.
At the end of the day you do you, but I encourage you both to find the source of this stuff.
The heart wants what the heart wants, neither of you can control that.
Also this: "She says it's platonic and I'm inclined to believe her." Do you trust her?
One of the best things Dean (my husband) has done for me is giving me the space to have the kind of relationships with others that I want to. That means not having to define relationships, or fit them into boxes. It's great for me because I have relationships that don't fit/won't fit into those boxes and he doesn't get upset because I have too many people in box A or he doesn't have to keep up with how my relationships change as they tend to be quite fluid with people I care for.
I'm not meaning to imply there's anything wrong with your rule, although I'm certain it comes off that way.
If this doesn't apply to you please chuck it out the window. I will not be offended. I barely know what I'm doing in Poly.
She isn't breaking the agreement by having an ex that she's friends with. You believe her that it is platonic.
I could be wrong, but you sound like you are struggling to form a request for what you would like her to stop/start doing.
Maybe you would like her to stop comparing (her chatting and hanging out with her ex) to (you barely talking to yours). Nobody is having sex with the exes, but those are different types of exes. She's still friends with hers. You not so much.
What would you like her to start doing so you can feel comfortable? Reassure you? Give you a hug? Ask to renegotiate agreements first should something change? Something else?
It's ok to ask. But you do have to ASK. She cannot be a mind reader.
Galagirl
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vinsanity0
Active member
I'm going to bunt here. Scrap that rule. It makes no sense and serves no purpose. Instead, work on the insecurities that caused you to have that rule in the first place. You'll be a better person for it and life will be so much easier. Been there done that.
No comparison!
As you said! She's not breaking the Rule either! Get over it.. Both of you.
As explained above by the wonderful folk, bad rule. Whether you're both there or not... It's a crappy rule.
It only shows where you both are in your growth.
But it's the truth.
Hopefully you guys can grow past it and enjoy a much better road
Toodles.. Enjoy
As you said! She's not breaking the Rule either! Get over it.. Both of you.
As explained above by the wonderful folk, bad rule. Whether you're both there or not... It's a crappy rule.
It only shows where you both are in your growth.
But it's the truth.
Hopefully you guys can grow past it and enjoy a much better road
Toodles.. Enjoy
AlwaysGrowing
Well-known member
Why compare? If you're uncomfortable, own it. Work on it. You admit it's platonic, so work on your jealousy and insecurity so that you can be a happier and healthier partner. You two have enough issues without dragging friendships under the bus.
In my mind, though, yes - friendships are comparable with other friendships. You may not have as deep of a friendship with your ex as she has with hers, but it still exists. You COULD hang out/talk on the phone/etc if you wanted to, just like she can hang out/talk on the phone/etc. No one is breaking any rules by having a friend.
In my mind, though, yes - friendships are comparable with other friendships. You may not have as deep of a friendship with your ex as she has with hers, but it still exists. You COULD hang out/talk on the phone/etc if you wanted to, just like she can hang out/talk on the phone/etc. No one is breaking any rules by having a friend.
Marcus
Well-known member
I'm in complete agreement. This band-aid rule won't make the insecurity that prompted it go away. It is far more likely that the rule will just exacerbate the insecurity and will encourage bad habits in regard to learning to deal with uncomfortable emotions.
You give more background in your other thread.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=92438
With that data? If this person is not " just good exes and friends" but is in fact her "current cheating affair partner?"
Then I think having the agreement about exes is pointless. Because it is not about "don't date/have sex with your exes." What you were trying to "solve" with the rule is her not carrying on with her affair partner.
So really? It's about "Wife, stop cheating." Just trying to come at it from the "general back door" than talk about this "specifically, directly and up front."
I encourage you to address your stuff with your wife directly.
It may turn out that you don't want to do Open with her anymore because she was doing a bait-and-switch. Like trying to "whitewash" a cheating affair already in progress with the "Open" brush. So she could carry on with her cheating affair out in the open rather than behind your back with you none the wiser.
That's not nice treatment.
You might be up for "honestly Open" but you might NOT be up for hinky.
So I suggest you tell your wife where your deal breakers lie. And reconsider if you want to keep trying to do Open with her or not.
Galagirl
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=92438
With that data? If this person is not " just good exes and friends" but is in fact her "current cheating affair partner?"
Then I think having the agreement about exes is pointless. Because it is not about "don't date/have sex with your exes." What you were trying to "solve" with the rule is her not carrying on with her affair partner.
So really? It's about "Wife, stop cheating." Just trying to come at it from the "general back door" than talk about this "specifically, directly and up front."
I encourage you to address your stuff with your wife directly.
It may turn out that you don't want to do Open with her anymore because she was doing a bait-and-switch. Like trying to "whitewash" a cheating affair already in progress with the "Open" brush. So she could carry on with her cheating affair out in the open rather than behind your back with you none the wiser.
That's not nice treatment.
You might be up for "honestly Open" but you might NOT be up for hinky.
So I suggest you tell your wife where your deal breakers lie. And reconsider if you want to keep trying to do Open with her or not.
Galagirl
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Hi money44,
It seems unfair to compare your situation with your wife's situation, because she's had considerably more contact with her ex than you've had with yours. If I might say so, there seems to be a power struggle between you and your wife, taking the form of hammering out the rules and conditions of your open marriage. You need something where the two of you are working together as a team, not where the two of you are playing against each other as opposing teams. Not saying you can't be open as-is, just saying that it is more difficult.
I hope the two of you can come to an agreement, and work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It seems unfair to compare your situation with your wife's situation, because she's had considerably more contact with her ex than you've had with yours. If I might say so, there seems to be a power struggle between you and your wife, taking the form of hammering out the rules and conditions of your open marriage. You need something where the two of you are working together as a team, not where the two of you are playing against each other as opposing teams. Not saying you can't be open as-is, just saying that it is more difficult.
I hope the two of you can come to an agreement, and work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.