is it normal?

[koolaid]

i should state that i am mono, and am with someone who is poly. i knew this before hand, and had a relationship with my partner beforehand, but it didn't work out because they can't be mono... but they liked me an awful lot, and couldn't make being poly work out for themselves at the time. so here we are. i guess it was naive of me to think this would go away and i'd have her all to myself. such is not the case.

she was pretty unhappy for some time. she just grew further and further apart. this would be attributed to the on/off phases she feels... but eventually it came out that she just felt pressured being something i always had to lean on. i'm not super clingy by any means, but i guess i could understand how that'd feel as a poly person being stuck in a mono relationship. it was kinda rough, because it's something we're both working through, but she really wanted to proceed that way so she could be who she is, and thought it would be great for trust. i wasn't a huge fan at first because i didn't like the guy that seemed to bring all of this about. i had my reasoning though, he wasn't poly but 'seemed' okay with it. it was pretty easy to see from a mile away he was just a dude who really liked her, and legitimately did think he could pry her away from me. it didn't work out, and fizzled out pretty quickly and always put me in a good light, and she'd come back super affectionate and life was good. admittedly, i was kind of surprised when she wanted to end things with him.

part of me was relieved, part of me wasn't. i could still see the same problems coming, where she'd feel like i wasn't giving her enough space. again, i'm not a clingy person. she just wants me to get out, and meet other people. thing is, i've never really been a social person. i hang out with friends, the odd time, on my own terms... and even when not being exclusive with someone, rarely dated other people. i'm just not that kinda person. still, i guess she feels like this puts pressure on her when it really doesn't. i'm more than fine with entertaining myself. she mentioned once she felt bad when she goes and hangs out with friends, because i'm just sitting at home alone. again, i'm just not a very social person. i like to work on my hobbies. she's pretty much just said she wishes i was out of the house more so she could have more alone time... but my work schedule (thanks pandemic) doesn't allow for much time outside of normal waking hours, and with her weird sleep schedule, she's often asleep when i do go out on my own.

anyways... she's recently started seeing someone else. she really likes this person, it's not hard to tell. the thing that is hard for me to reconcile, is that, i just feel like i'm not getting enough attention. she says it's just her going through phases, which has been the case before... but it's just hard for me, because she's seeing someone new, someone she obviously really like, and is spending nights over there and such. i know things like intimacy and that shouldn't be quantifiable, but it's extremely hard when it feels like(and literaly) months go by without much form of intimacy, or any at all. we go through phases were we have a really healthy sex life, then to nothing at all. so i guess it's just hard for me, because often, new relationships come with more intimacy than last weeks news... which i kind of feel like. knowing how people work to some extent, i know feelings are strengthened because they actually do have a lot of space, and pretty much only hang out on weekends. i know the space she has from the other person, and the lack of communication they have during the week gives her anxiety. which seems unhealthy in the sense that, if i'm there all the time, or easily accessible, what's to make her actually want to be around me more if other person wins by default because the space they have is circumstance? does that make sense? absence weighs heavily on people (obviously)... and i guess i'm just worried that'll make her like them more than me.

i have terrible self-esteem. it takes a lot to dig myself out of the holes i get into. and i realise it's my own thing. me having a pity-party isn't going to help my case at all, or make her want to be with me any more, nor will guilting her into it. i want to bring it up, but i feel like it's just going to be met with, 'it's just a phase i'm in now' ... and you can't get blood from a stone. bringing this up feels like a catch 22 in a way... because the more i bring something like this up, the more it'd probably drive them away. that being said, i've been having a lot of kneejerk reaction type thoughts, where i'm not really sure how it'll hold up long term if my needs aren't being met. the odd time i did bring it up, it did seem to help, or rather, she would say, 'this is why it'd be good for you to meet other people!' ... which kinda just feels like she has a hard time seeing things from my perspective. i am mono-ish.

i'm not closed to the idea of meeting other people, but i need to form emotional bonds with people before anything at all. we don't live in the most populated of areas, so finding this is a tricky thing. and even then, i'm not really sure i even want to. i'm supportive of her. i just want to feel loved, too. which sometimes she can't give me. and it kinda bothers me, because it feels like she can give that to someone else. is this my insecurities talking?

what if she never comes around, back from an on/off period? i guess there's not much you can do to control that.

thank you, sorry if tldr.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

A lot of people in relationships kind of blow hot and cold. People say relationships go through ebbs and flows. And that's true. However my therapist friend recently suggested that maybe that kind of person is a terrible partner for some people who need consistency to reinforce security. When you add poly to the mix, someone who is up and down before you add in NRE is likely to grate on your self esteem if you're that way inclined and some people are.

So maybe she is just like this, but maybe that means she isnt a healthy partner for you.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Lots of people do blow hot and cold in relationships, but there are also lots of people who are stable in their emotional availability and affections. If stability is your value, koolaid, then stability is your value. You don't need to justify it or shame facedly attribute this need to your insecurities. Working on your insecurities will serve you, so keep it up, but don't accept an intolerable situation in the mean time. If you need emotional consistency in a relationship, then you need emotional consistency in a relationship. Don't limp along with a hot/cold faucet just because that's what you've got yourself into. You have the ability to find a parter who suits your emotional needs. Whether a relationship is poly or mono, it's paramount to know what is essential for yourself. An emotionally secure relationship begins with you knowing what you value and standing by that.

 

[FallenAngelina]

i have terrible self-esteem.

What's this all about?

 

[GalaGirl]

It sounds like you got back together with a previous ex, and are living together. And it's basically same old song, different day. Still not compatible for dating. She blows hot and cold and you want something more stable.

so here we are. i guess it was naive of me to think this would go away and i'd have her all to myself. such is not the case.

Is it that you prefer monogamous relating? There is nothing wrong with wanting that. But it may not be compatible with THIS partner because she wants poly.

And if it turns out she kinda stinks at managing her time across poly partners and you are getting the short end of the stick all the time?
You might not be thrilled with poly dating her either because she's not good at time management.

Is that what is happening?

i'm just not a very social person. i like to work on my hobbies. she's pretty much just said she wishes i was out of the house more so she could have more alone time.

If her big gripe is that you, an introvert, like being home? And she wants more alone time? Why's she living with you rather than having her own flat then?

she was pretty unhappy for some time. she just grew further and further apart. this would be attributed to the on/off phases she feels... but eventually it came out that she just felt pressured being something i always had to lean on. i'm not super clingy by any means, but i guess i could understand how that'd feel as a poly person being stuck in a mono relationship.

When she observes you going about your introvert business, if she puts a lot of pressure on herself to be "your everything?" That's her doing. You aren't doing that. You just want basic 2 way street relationship.

She is NOT a poly person "stuck" in a mono relationship. She chose to get back together with you, and it sounds like she's poly dating. Possibly caught up in NRE with her new person. So much so that she's not paying you any attention.

If you haven't had a date with her or shared sex in months? Poly or not? That would be a problem in any relationship -- being neglected or taken for granted. So you could tell her this bothers you. Make some time on the calendar for dates with you too, not just with the New Shiny People.

If she's blows you off telling you to go meet other people? Figuring you will always be there whether she participates in the relationship with you or not? Well, you may have to decide that you don't want to live with her any more.

Could try to keep dating in the hopes that being more "absent" makes her want to spend time with you more. Because when you are around all the time living together she takes you for granted.

But she still takes you for granted when you are living apart? Finish breaking up. Seek people who are more compatible and actually will give you that 2-way street relating you seem to want. Spending time with a partner is a joy, not a CHORE.

You could decide to stop getting back together with incompatible exes. They are exes for a reason.

i have terrible self-esteem.

How come? What choices have you been making lately that you are not proud of that stop you from holding yourself in good regard or in good esteem?

Because the more i bring something like this up, the more it'd probably drive them away.

Or it gets fixed!

Or it becomes more clear that they don't really want to be there because keep they blowing you off.

It's not so much "driving them away" as you assessing if they are actually compatible or not for 2 way street relating. If they don't meet your personal standards for what you want in a partner? You aren't driving them away. They simply don't make the cut!

i'm not really sure how it'll hold up long term if my needs aren't being met.

It won't hold up. Because you aren't a door mat. I'd hope you'd eventually go "I'm just not getting my needs met in this relationship so I can feel happy participating here. Even when I bring up my concerns, nothing changes. I'd rather quit be single that keep doing this over and over to no avail."

And then you end it and get to be free of it all.

the odd time i did bring it up, it did seem to help, or rather, she would say, 'this is why it'd be good for you to meet other people!'

You meeting other people might be nice, but it doesn't solve the (you+her) not spending time together problems. They'd still be there.

If I need more time with my spouse, I could hang out with the kids more, my friends more, etc. But that doesn't solve "I need time with my spouse" does it?

i just want to feel loved, too. which sometimes she can't give me.

Ok. She can't give it to you. And you aren't thrilled with this relationship like that then.

and it kinda bothers me, because it feels like she can give that to someone else. is this my insecurities talking?

No. That's not being insecure.

It's just calling it what it is. She doesn't meet your needs. You aren't thrilled with this relationship.

You can't FORCE her to love you, or spend time with you, or any of that. And if for the second time you find that things don't really work with her? Could stop dating once and for good.

I don't think this really has much to do with poly, per se.

It's that you keep dating someone who is prob best as your ex because when you try to date her? She falls short of the mark and isn't the GF you want her to be. She blows hot and cold, doesn't balance her time across partners, and basically doesn't meet your needs or love you how you want to have your needs met or be loved.

Not everyone you date is gonna be a long haul runner. YKWIM? That is true when people date seeking poly or they date seeking monogamy. That's the point to date. To find the ones who ARE compatible. And if this one isn't? She just isn't. That not you being insecure. It's just that you have different values and different ways of going that just don't line up.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello koolaid,

It is normal for a partner to run hot and cold with you ... but it would also be normal for another partner to run consistently warm towards you. It's a question of finding the right kind of partner for you. Your current partner doesn't seem to be a good match.

I take it you just want to feel loved ... but sometimes your partner doesn't love you, or at least she doesn't always make you feel loved. This would be a problem for you even if she wasn't poly. It's just that poly shines a spotlight on that particular problem.

If you're not going on regular dates with her, you probably should. But this isn't something you can force her to do; she has to want to do it. I guess it's a question of, just how cold does she run. There has to be limits to how much you'll reasonably endure.

I hope you can work things out with her.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

is this my insecurities talking?

I think most of this is your insecurity talking, which is something that you ought to spend some time and energy investigating. However, as some of the other posters have said, that doesn't really change the reality that it sounds like you're trying to date someone who is a bad match for you.

As you have described, you two are quite different from one another, and neither of you really seem to connect with or embrace the differences of the other. In my opinion this is not an set up that is entitled to a great deal of effort to navigate and I encourage you to look closely at why it is that you are intent on continuing with this relationship.

 

[koolaid]

Sorry for the delayed response, I appreciate each and every one of you.

I am awful at communicating, but, we had a big talk, which was mostly just me being sad and her being like, 'You're projecting your sadness onto me.'

One of the rules I had set to be accepting of the whole poly thing was for her to be more present. This happened a little bit at first, but slowly began to fade away. These things require work, do they not? She says I just don't see the little things she does, or simply, because I'm still here, that this should be enough. She basically said that I'm putting it all on her.

She took me being like, 'if you were more present' or if we did things, like lay in bed and watch a movie together, or heck, even slept in the same bed, that'd help... but she took it as like me putting all of the pressure on her. I'm not though, at least I don't think I am. I really, just want a healthy relationship. It takes two to do that. It's not like I'm even the one to constantly hound her about it, such is not the case. It only gets talked about when we have these talks. She says if I were happier, it'd make things happier... and really, all I want, is for her and I to have a healthy relationship, which I get that, if she feels pressured, that's probably gonna push her further and further away, which is why she wants me to see other people... but that's hard for me to do when I don't feel secure in my primary relationship.

Not everyone you date is gonna be a long haul runner. YKWIM? That is true when people date seeking poly or they date seeking monogamy. That's the point to date. To find the ones who ARE compatible. And if this one isn't? She just isn't. That not you being insecure. It's just that you have different values and different ways of going that just don't line up.

I guess this is really it. We've had such an on/off thing for a long time, and just always came back around to each other, but at this point I don't possibly see how this will be healthy long run.

I know my happiness isn't dependent on her, but it feels kinda off that this relationship wouldn't have an affect on that, and I hate that being off. She told me I should go see a Doctor about my unhappiness.

It's just hard being told you're too introverted... and maybe I am, for her. I do hang out with friends, and I do go out, but it's rare. It's not like I have an aversion to dates, I just like doing what I like to do... and often that doesn't involve other people.

I take it you just want to feel loved ... but sometimes your partner doesn't love you, or at least she doesn't always make you feel loved. This would be a problem for you even if she wasn't poly. It's just that poly shines a spotlight on that particular problem.

She keeps telling me I should see/meet other people. For me, it's not as simple as just meeting new people... but I also keep trying to tell her that I can't really do the whole poly thing if I don't feel secure in my own relationship, and she says she can't really be there for me if I'm not happy. I could see why she'd feel pressured in this regard, because it's basically saying like, 'if you love me more I won't feel as sad.' ... but is it wrong to be unhappy because of the relationship you're in? I know ultimately it's not up to her to how I feel.

It won't hold up. Because you aren't a door mat. I'd hope you'd eventually go "I'm just not getting my needs met in this relationship so I can feel happy participating here. Even when I bring up my concerns, nothing changes. I'd rather quit be single that keep doing this over and over to no avail."

if anything, and hopefully this will still ring true, is that, I am becoming increasingly tired and frustrated with this whole thing, to the point where I don't feel like I'm in an emotional black hole right now. I'm just tired of it. I bring things up, she says what I need to do change it, I make an effort but still it's not enough... and I can't just sit around and wait for her to come around. I have practiced periods of finding my own happiness through no matter what, and still, not much changes with her. It seems whenever we have this conversation she's cold at first, but then eventually comes around to being in a more emotional state. I know she isn't the source of my happiness, but again, it just feels like it's wrong for her to diminish that being in an unhealthy relationship wouldn't have an affect on that.

... but I can't make her do anything, and I wouldn't ever try and force her to do anything. That's not the love I want.

How come? What choices have you been making lately that you are not proud of that stop you from holding yourself in good regard or in good esteem?

What's this all about?

Is it bad that I've felt pretty devalued to go from having what would seem like the healthiest of sexual relationships to nothing, and for her to have that with other people, but not me, her primary partner? This has taken a huge toll on me. I don't know how to handle that, as, I know my own image of myself is not reliant on her... but I could certainly see how me feeling this way would put further pressure on things.

A lot of people in relationships kind of blow hot and cold. People say relationships go through ebbs and flows. And that's true. However my therapist friend recently suggested that maybe that kind of person is a terrible partner for some people who need consistency to reinforce security.

I think that's me. I do need consistency to reinforce security.


I'm not really sure how this is going to pan out. She's pretty reliant on me financially... but obviously I can't be responsible for that... but I can't keep living like this, and that all of this relationships faults being put on me. She wants me to see other people, but it's hard for me to be happy when I don't have a solid foundation. I don't think that will fix what's wrong with our relationship if she isn't going to come around. It's a big thing for me, thinking that I may have to move out on my own again, it's been a long time. I think it'd be hard for me to live here while she maintained relationships with other people. I still get the impression she doesn't think I'm going to break up with her, but I don't see how this could continue like this, for either of us.


Sorry if this is all over the place, this is pretty representative of how my brain is right now.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am becoming increasingly tired and frustrated with this whole thing, to the point where I don't feel like I'm in an emotional black hole right now. I'm just tired of it. I bring things up, she says what I need to do change it, I make an effort but still it's not enough... and I can't just sit around and wait for her to come around.

I'm not trying to mean, ok? I'm just going to be frank.

You sound sad, and like you are pretty close to final acceptance that this just isn't working and you are tired of talking to no avail.

Sounds like you are more into her than she is into you.

She doesn't seem to care about healthy relating with you. And you are starting to realize it. Which sucks.

And now you are slowly becoming less into her now that you see this is all you will ever get here. You are getting tired of the whole thing.

I'm not really sure how this is going to pan out. She's pretty reliant on me financially... but obviously I can't be responsible for that... but I can't keep living like this, and that all of this relationships faults being put on me. She wants me to see other people, but it's hard for me to be happy when I don't have a solid foundation. I don't think that will fix what's wrong with our relationship if she isn't going to come around. It's a big thing for me, thinking that I may have to move out on my own again, it's been a long time. I think it'd be hard for me to live here while she maintained relationships with other people. I still get the impression she doesn't think I'm going to break up with her, but I don't see how this could continue like this, for either of us.

I'll be honest. I had wondered if you were covering all her bills. Because to me it was starting to sound like it maybe she's doing the bare minimum to keep you on the string paying her bills. And lately... not even!

I could be wrong in my impressions.

But you sound like you want to have an actual relationship with her and even though you are mono? You were willing to participate in poly so long as she was present with you and spent some of her time with you in a healthy relationship.

But she isn't present and not cultivating any real relationship with you. Basically she wants "no pressure" for her to do anything "GF-ish" with you while still enjoying your financial support and your general emotional/mental support. Her "safety net" person while she goes off to do whatever with other people.

This isn't healthy poly and you seem to know it. This isn't healthy anything.

• If you want to spend time together, she tells you to go out with other people.
• If you are home doing your introvert things, she wants you to go out so she can have the space to herself.
• If you bring up reasonable concerns? She flips it around on you so she can avoid taking personal responsibility and avoid having the conversation.
• If you express feelings of sadness over the relationship? She basically tells you to "get happy" so it is "fixed."

How are you supposed to feel happy if you keep hanging around in a dead end relationship?

You happiness isn't dependent on her. But usually when people participate in a healthy 2 way street romantic relationship they do enjoy spending time together. They enjoy contributing to their partner's well being and joy through small gestures, shared time, affection, etc. Not because they are obligated to, but because they just want to.

If she's calling you "primary partner" in words only? While in her actions are that she barely spends time with you? Believe the actions. You are NOT her primary partner. So if she's not gonna be here, why are you still here?

I still get the impression she doesn't think I'm going to break up with her, but I don't see how this could continue like this, for either of us.

Sounds like she takes you for a doormat then.

So it's on you to decide what to do next because she's not willing to listen or change anything about her way of going so being a relationship with her can become less of a drag for you.

I know it sucks to think about.... the idea of breaking up, moving out, and setting up a new flat to live in and all that. But sometimes you just have to call it quits because you aren't getting a good enough return on your investment of time and energies spent here.

As for the esteem thing?

Can't feel proud of yourself letting someone use you like a doormat.

Could feel proud of yourself for walking away from that situation and taking better care of yourself though.

Could accept that this on/off thing with her is not great or healthy for your health.

Could end it one last time. And this time let it be DONE done. Tell her NO if she comes sniffing back around again.

Galagirl

 

[koolaid]

If she's calling you "primary partner" in words only? While in her actions are that she barely spends time with you? Believe the actions. You are NOT her primary partner. So if she's not gonna be here, why are you still here?

I will say this in her defense, she does spend time with me when she can, but I feel more like a roommate than anything. I still feel like it's my fault for not being social enough, or not giving her enough space. I just don't have the same motivations to go out and meet new people. I will say though, we do have separate bedrooms at her request, so I just spend a lot of time there. She wants more time alone to herself in the house... and wants me to make the full benefit of a poly relationship. It's just hard because, she just isn't there as anything more than what feels like a roommate.

She said she'd be there for me when I figure out whatever's making me unhappy, but I mean, this as a whole is making me unhappy, and she doesn't seem to believe that's it. I am unhappy with the way the dynamic of everything changed I love her, but, she's just not the same person. People really change when you move in with them.

 

[GalaGirl]

If you are basically roomies? That's what you are then. She's not putting any energy into being your GF even if she calls you a "primary partner."

She said she'd be there for me when I figure out whatever's making me unhappy, but I mean, this as a whole is making me unhappy, and she doesn't seem to believe that's it.

I can imagine the frustration that she doesn't get your point of view.

I mean this kindly, ok? I don't think it matters if she believes it or not.

If you are unhappy here, tired of it, and basically done? You break up and walk away.

The way she can "be there" for you during/after a break up? Is to respect that you are done, and not make the break up worse than it has to be.

I am unhappy with the way the dynamic of everything changed

I know. I'm very sorry this is happening like this. It is not what you had hoped for.

I love her, but, she's just not the same person. People really change when you move in with them.

Yes. Sometimes people do change. Or aren't who you thought and living together brings out their true colors.

In the end? It still ends up in the same place. You are tired of all this. You are not happy participating here.

You could stop and seek happiness elsewhere.

Because love alone is not enough to sustain a long term relationship. There has to be more than that for DEEP compatibility. Shared values, same goals in life, etc.

I hope you feel a little better for airing out some. I can only imagine how difficult this is/has been.

Galagirl

 

[koolaid]

Yes. Sometimes people do change. Or aren't who you thought and living together brings out their true colors.

In the end? It still ends up in the same place. You are tired of all this. You are not happy participating here.

You could stop and seek happiness elsewhere.

I am glad I am not alone in thinking that this unhappiness does indeed stem from this relationship, and it's not all just on me. It is however, up to me to change it.

If you are unhappy here, tired of it, and basically done? You break up and walk away.

The way she can "be there" for you during/after a break up? Is to respect that you are done, and not make the break up worse than it has to be.

I really hope either of us can be adults about this. I know she cares a lot about me, but she has to understand how equally hard it is for me.

Thank you. I appreciate everyone taking their time to respond. It means a lot to me.

 

[kdt26417]

You seem to be in a standoff situation, where she will only be with you more if you will see other people and be happy, and you will only see other people and be happy if she will be with you more. I don't think either of you is going to cave, so I expect to see more of her not being with you, and you being unhappy. I can only hope I'm wrong about that.

 

[MeeraReed]

I am someone who needs a ton of alone time and lots of physical and emotional space in a relationship. I prefer having my own bedroom and can't sleep well in a bed with someone else. I would struggle with the confines of a monogamous relationship. Most people would be too "needy" for me in a relationship (even though they would not be objectively needy on a "neediness" scale). So, in many ways, I am similar to your girlfriend and I want to sympathize with her. However...

...I don't think your unhappiness is your fault or something you need to work on. It sounds like you are in a relationship that isn't working for you. It sounds like it's time to part ways.

The low self-esteem problem may indeed be your issue to work on, but you may find that when you are in a relationship with someone more compatible with you, you don't struggle with self-esteem as much because you don't feel inferior in the relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

The heck with being in a relationship with someone who doesn't mind your introversion. It's better to be living alone and building a better relationship with YOURSELF, than being with someone with whom you are incompatible.

You're "comfortable" now, in the habit of living there with her, paying her bills, while she goes off and has other bfs. But it sounds like it's time for you to honor yourself, and break free.

It's OK to be introverted! Lots of people are. You can't force yourself to be more outgoing just because she says you "should" be. Be yourself.

Maybe after some time, you'll find someone more compatible. But being alone for now will feel better than living with someone who can't/won't/doesn't want to meet any of your needs.

She'll find her way financially. That's what grownups do.