Is it OK to ask my partner to request that metamour not interrupt our time together?

[Magdlyn]

Getting texts from others, metamours or just friends and family, well, it just happens.

If I am out on a date with someone and one of us gets a text, so what? Check it. If it's important, excuse yourself and text back. If the person texting you just wants to casually chat, while you're actively on a date, eating, movie, some event, no, tell them you're busy, ttyl!

If your metamour definitely knows your bf is sleeping beside you, knows he takes sleeping pills and won't hear the text go off, and she texts him at 1am anyway, it sounds malicious,and made in the hopes of annoying you, coupled with the other jealous behavior you say she has been exhibiting.

However, if you and he are on a 3day weekend date, surely either or both of you could set aside a half hour or whatever amount of time, at least one of the days, to text others who need some attention. Spouses, OSOs, a friend who has needs, kids, grandma, whoever!

I was slightly rude to my gf last night because I'd just started texting a new boy from OKC, and she realized she'd left her CC at the pub we'd been to the night before for a party. So we had to return to the pub to pick it up, but new hottie and I had just started a conversation before gf and I found we had to go out. She and I had a beer while we were there. Maybe she felt it was a date, I felt it was more like running an errand, so I continued the text convo with new boy on and off while we had our beers.

There are grey areas.

 

[scarletzinnia]

Magdlyn, she definitely knows he takes sleeping pills to sleep. He has taken them with me every overnight we have had, and he says she sometimes takes the same ones, so they have surely talked about that. He did say he usually turns off his phone sound, so perhaps she was counting on that, but people can forget to do that, as he did that night. In any case, some phones can be loud even on vibrate if they are sitting on a hard surface. Mine has woken me up when it was on vibrate on my nightstand. I am a light sleeper and it can take me hours to get back to sleep if I am woken up unexpectedly.

I personally don't ever text or IM people between the hours of 11 p.m. and 8 a.m., I think it's incredibly rude, unless you know for certain they are awake. In fact, there is someone I came very close to dating, who seriously pissed me off by saying hello at 7 a.m., when he knew that I worked some nights until midnight. I had worked late the night before he did that, he woke me up, and I told him that wasn't acceptable behavior. He got offended and withdrew from me completely. From what I have since heard about this guy from a friend, I didn't miss a thing.

I think not respecting someone's potential sleep is a huge indicator that you are self-involved to an extreme. But I already know that is true of my metamour. She and boyfriend just got back from a trip to a city that is six hours from him. He is exhausted and complained about a lot of driving. But he would had had three hours fewer to drive if she had been willing to drive to his house and pick him up on the way to their destination. Instead, he had to pick her up, when she lives in the opposite direction, because the princess has to be picked up for ALL dates. No, I am not kidding about this.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Can I say, "I really do not want your other partner texting you when we are having our weekend together, can you ask her to restrict texting to emergencies once she knows you have arrived safely?"

I think you can ask him. If he is willing or not willing to do it -- that's on him to answer. You cannot know without asking. You are not a mind reader.

I'm not sure that's the best question for this situation though so your needs get met.

This stuff....

Is this reasonable? I know part of the reason I want this is I don't like her, don't respect her, think she treats him badly, and want no reminder of their relationship when I'm with him and trying to have a good time.

If that bold is the need? That makes me wonder if you have other "leaky hinge" issues. Where he lets his stuff from (him and her) leak over on to (you and him) time. So far I'm not reading anything she's done. I do see places where his behavior is off.

He did say he usually turns off his phone sound, so perhaps she was counting on that, but people can forget to do that, as he did that night.

The problem seems to be him forgetting to adjust the volume. Not who calls.

In any case, some phones can be loud even on vibrate if they are sitting on a hard surface. Mine has woken me up when it was on vibrate on my nightstand. I am a light sleeper and it can take me hours to get back to sleep if I am woken up unexpectedly.

The problem seems to be him being careless with where he places the phone so it doesn't wake you. Sounds like HIS behaviors, not hers.

When he sleeps over, if his habits still bug you even if he tries to be quieter, can you use ear plugs or sleep not in your bed?

I think not respecting someone's potential sleep is a huge indicator that you are self-involved to an extreme.

Is it him messing with your sleep by being careless with his phone then?

Is it possible you put a lot of stuff that rightfully belongs on HIS shoulders on to her? Because you do not like her much?

If this is the goal...

(I) want no reminder of their relationship when I'm with him and trying to have a good time.

She doesn't even talk to you. It seems more efficient to ask him if he is willing to modify his behaviors.

I'd be asking this instead:

• Could you be willing to not tell me about you and X other than what I need to know for sex health hygiene?
• Could you be willing to manage your cel phone so it isn't waking me up at night?
• Vacation mode: Could you be willing to check in at home at X time when I do mine?

Because asking him to ask her not to call is not solving the core issue. You sound like you have a bit of a sloppy hinge. And some of HIS behaviors could be improved.

I could be wrong. But it seems to me like you think the problem of (him sloppy with his phone use) is solved by (make her not call and not text).

She and boyfriend just got back from a trip to a city that is six hours from him. He is exhausted and complained about a lot of driving. But he would had had three hours fewer to drive if she had been willing to drive to his house and pick him up on the way to their destination. Instead, he had to pick her up, when she lives in the opposite direction, because the princess has to be picked up for ALL dates. No, I am not kidding about this.

He is the one choosing to date the princess. He is the one making these travel choices. Later if he regrets the choices HE made because they result in him overtired and overextended? He could renegotiate with her how they arrange travel in future. Deal with his choices and deal with her direct.

Rather than snipe to the side at you. That's passive aggressive stuff. He doesn't address it with her (the passive) but offloads his bucket of UGH on to you (the aggressive) so he can feel better. But then you are left holding the UGH bucket and that's not fun for you. What did you do in that travel situation? Nothing. You were not even there.

You could tell him to STOP sharing this kind of information with you. You could tell him you are no longer up for being dumped on so he feels better. That's "pass the buck" stuff. If he makes choices that lead to him feeling yucky, he can carry his yucky bucket himself. And learn to make new choices next time.

I could be wrong. But it seems to me like you think the problem of (him using me for a dumping ground) will be solved by (she stops being a princess.) If he is the one dumping on you, he is the one taking away from the good time. Not her. Princess or not.

Her being a princess on her own time isn't bugging you any. What bugs you is your hinge bringing you all this ugh when HE is the one choosing to date a princess type on the first place. He could pay the full price of admission there himself. Not pass the buck on to you.

Could tell him to quit telling you this stuff. You are NOT the dumping ground for his issues with her. He could take his issues with her to HER.

I don't know if it helps any. That's what I would do in those shoes.

Galagirl

 

[Inyourendo]

I think it boils down to expextations.

You act a certain way because you think it rude otherwise. You think texting him when he is with others is rude. You think that texting between 11pm-8am is rude. She obviously does not. Does your boyfriend think it rude? If I didn't think I was being rude then I would see no reason to alter behavior. It's very subjective really.

 

[Inyourendo]

A simple good night text to his other partners might suffice "hey im going to bed now, please don't text anymore tonight as I don't want the phone disrupting my sleep " when I woek overnight shifts I go to sleep around midnight which is really early cor me. Ive had to text something similar to sam as he would text me after I fell asleep. This probably would go over better with her considering the lack of good rapport you guys have

 

[scarletzinnia]

He didn't actually vent to me about her, GalaGirl. I'm the one who calls her "the princess," not him. He merely told me how exhausted he was, and I knew he had done the extra three hours of driving in order to pick her up for their weekend together, on top of a 12-hour trip. I don't understand why she insists on him picking her up for all their dates, but she does. I hear it's a southern custom (she was born in the south), but this is not the south, she is perfectly able-bodied and has a car and a license, and he is a busy, overextended person with two jobs who often doesn't get enough sleep. I care about him being tired, and I have never once let him pick me up for a date unless doing so didn't involve him driving out of his way. She clearly does not.

I was just reading about how some people confused being needed with being loved. I think he is one of these.

 

[Candiedlove]

He didn't actually vent to me about her, GalaGirl. I'm the one who calls her "the princess," not him. He merely told me how exhausted he was, and I knew he had done the extra three hours of driving in order to pick her up for their weekend together, on top of a 12-hour trip. I don't understand why she insists on him picking her up for all their dates, but she does. I hear it's a southern custom (she was born in the south), but this is not the south, she is perfectly able-bodied and has a car and a license, and he is a busy, overextended person with two jobs who often doesn't get enough sleep. I care about him being tired, and I have never once let him pick me up for a date unless doing so didn't involve him driving out of his way. She clearly does not.

I was just reading about how some people confused being needed with being loved. I think he is one of these.

Yeah, I think you have bigger issues than her interrupting your dates. I think she IS in the wrong in many cases, here, but your original question (Is it okay for me to ask my partner not to talk to metamour at all during our dates?), I'd say no.

My partner and I don't divide our time up like that. If he or I are on a date, or anything where we are focused on something, like dinner with family, we inform beforehand that we will be unavailable, and we don't interrupt. However, we are always free to text a picture or a funny story...knowing that we may not get a reply soon, and even then, would be something like, "Cool!" And we both know that a good night text is expected.

Limited contact? Fine. No contact? Nope.

 

[YouAreHere]

I guess you can add my voice to the folks who don't necessarily think a text out of the blue is a big deal. The thing that's important to me is how my partner responds to texts, and not the fact that they were sent (i.e., don't sit across the table from me having a conversation with your phone... not cool.)

I don't typically send 1am texts, but I'm typically not awake then, so that's neither here nor there. I'm not that light a sleeper, and I know Chops's phone has done the vibrate thing once in a while overnight (it's usually his son when that happens), but I don't fully wake up. If I did, I'd probably ask Chops to put his phone on something soft so it didn't wake me up. I'd think that request should go to your partner and not your meta.

I care about him being tired, and I have never once let him pick me up for a date unless doing so didn't involve him driving out of his way. She clearly does not.

Be careful about assuming negative intent when there may not be any. It's a trap I fall into with my metamour from time to time, and it can really be a self-perpetuating problem when you get yourself so spun up that any questionable thing she does just ends up being interpreted MORE negatively in your head.

I can't tell you to quit that, since I'm still struggling with it a bit, but I can tell you that it's really not helpful, and just ends up pitting you against her, with him in the middle.

You don't really know why she asks him to pick her up, and he doesn't seem to be volunteering the information. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about his being tired. For all we know, she could have a car that's on its last leg, or an anxiety disorder that makes driving difficult (and nerve-wracking for her passengers as well), or maybe he insists for whatever reason and doesn't tell you. She knows, and he knows.

Regardless of the reason why, ultimately it's HIS decision. If he's tired and he goes? It's his choice. Again, it's something you need to take up with him.

When you do talk about it, does he toss her under the bus as the reason why? I have to wonder if he's deflecting some of the stuff that should rest on his shoulders (like GG said) onto her, so you're not mad at him?

Anyway, I agree with Inyourendo here too:

You act a certain way because you think it rude otherwise. You think texting him when he is with others is rude. You think that texting between 11pm-8am is rude. She obviously does not. Does your boyfriend think it rude? If I didn't think I was being rude then I would see no reason to alter behavior. It's very subjective really.

I find that a big source of my issues with my metamour is that she and I are VASTLY different people. There are things I just won't do because I find them discourteous. She doesn't feel the same way.

It really worsens the whole "assuming negative intent" thing, since I project my own values onto the situation ("clearly, she thinks this, since I know *I* would think this if I did that"). Seems to me that he doesn't really think it's rude, either. Again, something to bring up with him.

(Apologies for the rambling post - this bug that's gone around has not only ruined my stomach, but it's eaten my brain!)

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for clarifying.

Still him though, choosing to overextend himself, telling you his trip details and then telling you he is exhausted. That is not her treating him bad. That is him treating him bad and not mapping out his need for rest. He is overextending himself.

Galagirl

 

[Inyourendo]

He didn't actually vent to me about her, GalaGirl. I'm the one who calls her "the princess," not him. He merely told me how exhausted he was, and I knew he had done the extra three hours of driving in order to pick her up for their weekend together, on top of a 12-hour trip. I don't understand why she insists on him picking her up for all their dates, but she does. I hear it's a southern custom (she was born in the south), but this is not the south, she is perfectly able-bodied and has a car and a license, and he is a busy, overextended person with two jobs who often doesn't get enough sleep. I care about him being tired, and I have never once let him pick me up for a date unless doing so didn't involve him driving out of his way. She clearly does not.

I was just reading about how some people confused being needed with being loved. I think he is one of these.

How does he feel about your condescending nickname for his other partner?

 

[graviton]

I think you are behaving a bit of a princess expecting all texts to cease during your time with him. His phone can light up constantly and its not your business. When and how long he takes to answer them is where you may interject yourself in HIS choice to answer them. I think you're jealous and perhaps want a bigger wall erected between you and your metamour than he is willing to.

 

[scarletzinnia]

Graviton, I do not expect all texts to cease during my time with him. If his wife or kids need to reach him I am fine with it. And it is not just his phone lighting up, it's beeping too if he hasn't remembered to turn it off, and he generally leaves it on during waking hours. In the middle of the night that time he forgot, during an early breakfast once (around 7:30 am, and we both had to go to work), and just in general. And from what he tells me, it is never anything resembling what I would consider necessary communication that can't wait until another time. It's just her wanting attention. Since my time with him is typically an evening date with him leaving in the morning if we do have an overnight, two or three times a month, I really would like her to just leave us the heck alone. I certainly don't bother him when he's on a date with her, I never have, not once. I would like the same respect.

Galagirl, you are right, he is choosing this for himself. He's a bit insecure and we are his first poly relationships. I think he is so thrilled that he found two partners he cares about, relatively quickly, that he will bend over backwards to please us if necessary. I don't abuse that privilege, but I think she does. I also think that because she's the "needy" one (she's out of work, separated from a problematic husband, a single mom, and has some serious mental issues), he is inclined to fuss over her way more than he does over me.

Inyourendo, obviously I don't call my metamour that to my partner. I use her name. My close friends know I call her that (none of them know her), and my husband, who will keep my secret. I have a fairly good reason to believe she has tried to get my partner to break it off with me and he wasn't receptive, so she stopped. The heck with her, I could call her much worse.

 

[kdt26417]

Upon hearing that she has serious mental issues, I'm thinking it'll be hard to get her to behave.

 

[GalaGirl]

Even if she asks all the time, it is him saying ok.

Is he spreading himself too thin for the number of partners he has?

You do not have to love her or anything, but if he stopped telling you about her and stopped being sloppy with his phone... Would that solve most of it for you? Does he meet your needs otherwise?

Galagirl

 

[Inyourendo]

Mental problems and having a difficult time right now in her personal life, do you think you could try to have some compassion for her? She sounds like a broken woman who needs some tlc , not a princess.

 

[IndieSolo]

Okay, so you don't like this one metamour; you don't like the things she asks of your bf; you don't like how he accommodates her; you don't like how she treats him in general; and you feel her texts are an intrusion on your time.

Well, tough. If she is rude to you directly, you could speak up and confront her. However, you can't do anything about how he and she conduct their relationship. It is frankly none of your business that she wants him to pick her up, and he does so, for example. And it's none of your business who texts him at what time and why. The only thing that is your business is how you and he conduct your own relationship.

I mean, let's say you two are committed to always using condoms. It isn't just up to one of you to make sure there are plenty at hand when you're getting ready for sex. It isn't only one person's fault if they don't get used. The responsibility lies with you both.

Same thing applies to anything else you agree upon. It's up to both of you. So, you can say to him, "I prefer we not be interrupted during our dates unless it is an emergency," (without specifying who it is you don't want texting him) and, if he agrees that he will not let non-emergency interruptions take up your time together, then it is up to you both to see that it happens -- but only as far as each of your parts in it (not hers). If he doesn't agree, well, you will have to find some other ways to deal with it. But, obviously, you can't stop anyone from texting him for whatever reason. BUT before you two go to bed, you could gently remind him to turn his phone to silent/no vibrate. You can ask him to leave his phone in another room. You could even create a special place or holder for his phone. If he spends time texting in your presence, you could offer him some privacy and then later remind him that you wanted your time together to be uninterrupted. It is better that you take care of you in these small ways than to be fuming at her or upset he didn't follow through. Remind him often enough and he will develop a habit.

You could also request that, if he is expecting an important message or call, he lets you know at the top of the time you spend together so that if an interruption does happen, it won't seem as jarring to you because you're prepared for it. That's what I do, if I know someone needs to get in touch with me and I am out on a date. In general, when I am out with someone, my phone is in my purse and I don't answer texts, but if I know someone has to get in touch with me or I am waiting for certain information, I give my date a warning, such as: "I'm sorry - I usually never answer my phone when I am out with someone, but I am expecting an important text/call from someone and I will need to take it if it comes in. I promise to keep it brief."

But see that taking these kinds of actions are ways in which you manage your relationship, because you can't manage his other relationships, and really have no right to try and apply your standards on them. You don't like her, nor anything about her, and you don't have to, but you might want to just let that go and stop focusing on it. How you feel about her has no relevance to how you and your bf relate to each other. As they say, don't let someone you don't like live rent-free in your head.

 

[scarletzinnia]

I did have compassion for her. I would have been her pal if she had ever been open to that, but she didn't even want to talk to me. (And yes, this woman calls herself poly.) My compassion pretty much ended when she tried to cause trouble in my relationship with him. Once a metamour tries to mess around in my relationship, it's pretty much an armed truce as far as I am concerned, if it's even that good. I feel sorry for her kid and that is about it. There is a possibility she will leave the state for work and as far as I am concerned, it can't happen fast enough.

 

[Inyourendo]

Im poly and I don't interact with people nate is seeing. Not everyone likes a poly model of inclusion.

How did she attempt to cause problems with your relationship if she doesn't even communicate with you?

 

[GreenAcres]

I did have compassion for her. I would have been her pal if she had ever been open to that, but she didn't even want to talk to me. (And yes, this woman calls herself poly.) My compassion pretty much ended when she tried to cause trouble in my relationship with him. Once a metamour tries to mess around in my relationship, it's pretty much an armed truce as far as I am concerned, if it's even that good. I feel sorry for her kid and that is about it. There is a possibility she will leave the state for work and as far as I am concerned, it can't happen fast enough.

I have a slightly more mixed view of this than most here, who seem to land on one side or the other. First, though, her not wanting to talk to you has nothing to do with her being poly or not. Some metamours (like me) prefer to have at least a passing acquaintance (though I don't need to be friends, I do prefer to be able to be polite, and contact each other in case of an emergency for our mutual lover, etc.). But, many don't, and that doesn't make them not poly. Simply because someone doesn't subscribe to your way of doing poly doesn't mean they're not poly.

As far as the texts, it is his job as the hinge to deal with it. You can ask him, and should, to control his behavior. He can either comply or not, and you can go from there. But, this is where I differ: I think people are also responsible for their own actions, meaning your metamour is responsible for hers. Again, your lover can ask her to change her actions, but she may or may not comply and that doesn't necessarily make him a sloppy hinge. I've had the crazy metamour who was just unstoppable. Seriously, there was *no* controlling that drama. More unfortunately, he was legally married to her, so he couldn't just "shut it off," though he desperately wanted to. I won't go into details, but shutting his phone off was tried and it failed (not on his end, he did it--it just didn't matter). I eventually had to make a choice, and that choices was to end the relationship. He wasn't a shitty hinge, she was just that histrionic about everything, and eventually it impacted our time together, and my life even outside of him, so negatively, dramatically, and consistently I had to step away. So, I believe that a person can be a fairly good hinge, but some people just can't be contained.

I suppose the argument could be made that he was a crappy hinge because he didn't leave the person who was behaving like that; but, that's not always an option, either (in this case, she threatened suicide--I have my own views on that, but I get how, for most people, that would mean leaving wasn't an option).

I am not saying your issues are that severe, just that I think people often put an awful lot on the hinge, when, in reality, everyone in the relationships has some responsibility for how they act. The hinge has the responsibility, IMHO, to do what he/she can to manage each of their relationships; but, they are not babysitters or parents, and shouldn't be expected to have control of their partner's 24 hours a day.

I agree with NYCindie, try to take your focus off of your metamour, and talk with your lover about ways to manage interruptions in your time together. Hopefully, that is all it takes. Your hinge has a responsibility to try to manage his relationships. That said, your metamour is her own person, and if she's got mental issues she's dealing with, this could get messy in ways your hinge may (understandably) struggle with. Take some time to think about your boundaries--what they are, what's flexible, and for how long, and act on those, rather than trying to coerce actions on her part.

 

[scarletzinnia]

Metamour did communicate with me a little bit to start with, inyourendo. We had one brief chat online, and then he brought her to a social event at my house. She was pretty standoffish there and did a couple of odd things but overall it was fine. Then, about a week later, she made some demands of our boyfriend, which he told me about, that I thought were 1. putting him in a potentially dangerous, even life-threatening, situation, and 2. pretty much guaranteed to piss off his wife, if his wife found out. So I told metamour that I was concerned about him and that her expectations of him might be simply too much for him. She asked me how I did things in a similar situation and I told her. Then she got extremely defensive, and before I could even respond, the conversation abruptly ceased. (This was all on IM.) I found out later that day that she had unfriended and blocked me, then gone to our boyfriend in hysterics, telling him that I had called her selfish. I was able to show him the whole conversation and prove that I hadn't done anything of the sort. She then enlisted her other boyfriend (whom I do not know and have never had any contact with) to have a talk with C, with her, and try to convince him I was a terrible person who presumably wanted to hurt her and had no knowledge of polyamory, to boot. C just tried to calm her down, from the sound of it. He kept saying, he wasn't mad at me, and that he thought the solution was to keep the two relationships separate. I had no issues with that, I don't want to be anywhere near drama queens like that. And we'd be OK if she wasn't always trying to interrupt the rare few hours he and I get here and there.