Is it OK to want to be in a relationship with a couple?

N

neopoly

Member
Hi,

I am in poly triad with two bi boys. We've live together for 10 years. Our relationship is open so we also date other people. I am also bi (maybe pan).

My girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago.

Recently I found out that I really like one couple from my work (Ginny and Bill). They are in an open relationship, but I don't know their “rules." Also, I kind of expressed my feelings to Bill about a year ago and it didn't go so well. He wrote me that he isn't feeling it. Lately we've spent time together.

And I found out that I might like Ginny also, in a romantic way. I am not sure if she is into girls, but we talk a lot about her beauty and she is little bit flirty.

It is kind of difficult to talk with them, because we also work together and they are my friends. I am feeling like i shouldn't love Bill anymore, because he already told me that he was not feeling it…

My question is - i found out that I really like to date couples. And my ideal scenario is to date a couple (male and female) together. Is this weird? We speak about unicorn hunting so much… and now I am in situation in which I really like to date a couple as bisexual women. I feel weird. Maybe it is also connected to my home situation where i live with two guys, and I love our relationship so much and them also. Maybe a relationship with three people instead of two is better for me, in general…

So - have you any suggestion in how could i express my feeling to G+B? And what do you think about this “feeling like i want to date couple” thing?

Thanks.
 
For starters, leaving the desire to date couples aside: I do not think you should try to date Ginny and Bill. You work with them and are friends with them; and those relationships will all be jeopardized in the extremely likely scenario that your attempt to date them both goes badly.
 
I agree not to date Ginny and Bill. He made it clear he is not interested. Dating where you work is bad news too.

As for your preference to be a unicorn, that's totally up to you. I think any INDIVIDUAL should choose what works for them. It's very different than a couple searching and forcing a person to fit their needs. The dynamic is different and it's fully your choice.

I would caution you though. You have had a very successful triad for a decade. This does NOT automatically translate into triads are easy and YOU'LL have no issues with new triads in the future.

Read up in the pitfalls of being a unicorn and be on the lookout. The more you know the faster you can escape if things head south.
 
Ok guys you are probably right about not dating them. But i just cant stop being in love them even platonicaly. Another option is maybe just stop seeing them and it is really hard to do. I just dont know how to manage this situation without ending in total disapointment.
 
neopoly said:
Okay, guys. You are probably right about not dating them. But I just can't stop being in love them, even platonically. Another option is maybe just stop seeing them and that is really hard to do.
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If you work with them, I guess you can't avoid seeing them. I do recommend if you have a crush that is inconvenient for any reason, it's best to spend less time with the person. Yes, it's hard. But it's healthy.

You can crush on someone who isn't into you that way, but don't be rude. I'm talking about Bill here. Respect his space. Just try to be mature and be chill about things. Maybe you're the type to wear her heart on her sleeve. If you really can't control yourself around him, don't make him uncomfortable. Leave the poor guy alone.

One piece of advice I once got from a friend when I was a young and horny 20-year old, and in a mono relationship, but crushing on a coworker, was to discover and focus on some bad things about him. After all, we idealize our crushes. No one is perfect. So that's what I did, and it worked. He eventually became just a cute guy who no longer had the power to get me wet whenever I was near him. lol
neopoly said:
I just don't know how to manage this situation without ending in total disappointment.
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One thing to remember in polyamory is "Just because you can doesn't mean you should."

Personal anecdotes: I have had innumerable crushes on people in my life. I can't date everyone. Many of these people have been good supportive friends or coworkers, and I needed their friendship more than their sex. So I wouldn't reveal I was crushing. I would respect they were mono, or (if a woman) straight, or if they were single, I'd accept that not everyone is going to be into me, for whatever reason.

My partner Pixi works at a summer camp, and every year, she gets crushes on about five new people lol. Of course she doesn't try to date them! She focuses on her very demanding work, and the fact that she has two dear and devoted partners already, and the fact that some of these people would be entirely inappropriate to date.

If I get a crush, I can fantasize about them (masturbate if necessary), and let time eventually take care of the reduction of my feelings. I have carried a torch for years for a couple of guys, one whom I dated when I was 18, and one who I was close friends with when I was married/mono. Sometimes you can just enjoy the crush, even if you don't get to be with them. I literally had dreams about the boy I dated when I was a teen for decades. Finally I googled him and couldn't find anything about him, so maybe he's dead. The dreams stopped.

The other guy... Well, I don't think my love for him will ever end. I've cared about him for about 25 years. (I'm 68 and he's about 54 now, I think.) We used to live across the street from each other when we first met, and he was friends with my (ex)husband too. But now he's lived about 50 miles away from me for 15 years, he has a wife, two young adult kids, a whole life I don't share. I am friends with him on FB and can keep up with his life. I can like and occasionally comment on his pix. But the obsessive feelings have definitely waned over the years. Yours will too, is my point.

As for wanting to be a unicorn to a couple, most of the time, triads go down in horrible flames. Like was said above, you're extremely lucky to be in one triad. That doesn't mean you can manifest a whole new one. You could try and understand why you like triads so much, and see why it could be inappropriate to try and manifest a new one.

I hear that Bill isn't into you, and you don't know if Ginny is or not. Maybe you could ask her out and see what happens? Or do you only want to date her if you can date both of them?
 
Hi neopoly,

You could maybe ask Bill if he is feeling anything, now that it's been a year, and the two of you have been spending time together. You could also ask Ginny if she feels anything, considering that she is a little bit flirty.

Heh, the idea of a woman dating a fe/male couple is not even slightly weird, quite the contrary, there is a flood of couples who want a unicorn (a "hot bi babe"), and can't seem to find one. You should have little to no trouble finding a couple you can date.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for at least one little bit hopeful answer. I also kind of think he could change his mind, but maybe I am just dreaming.

About dating just Ginny, I would really like to. But I have this quite strict “policy” about women, that I don't fantasize or fall too much till they are really obvious about being queer and wanting me. So I don't fantasize about her so much.

My friend recommended to mention my crush to them in a joke. It could work, maybe.
 
Generally poly only works if you are upfront, straightforward, transparent, honest and clear about what you want and how you feel.

Relationships that begin with jokes, lies or half-truths, or with drunk sex "by accident" usually don't work out or last long.

I can usually tell if someone is into me by their words and their body language and their desire to contact me or be close to me. If you're not getting any of that from either person, I'd say the crushes you have are one-sided. I don't want to blow smoke up your ass and say you have a chance.

It's true what Kevin said, that there are plenty of newbie poly couples out there that think the safest way to begin being poly is to "add a third," a "hit bi babe," to "share." That still doesn't mean that is wise to do, because these kinds of prescribed relationships rarely work out. You can go on dating sites and find these unicorn hunters if you want, and good luck to you. I don't think Ginny and Bill are unicorn hunters.
 
Ok you are so specific, thank you Magdlyn.

I get body language and world from them like Bill is more about body language and jokes and Ginni is sometimes really sweet. I was raped recently and they were supportive for some time, but that I was too much I guees. I am still sometimes depressive or feel like burden and it is not sexy. But recently we go for a drink and it went really well. But than I left for a mont, i tried to stay in kontakt. Generally i just dont need to date them. Maybe just want to be around.
I kind of dont like dating sites and couple whose just want sex, you know.
 
I'm so sorry that you were raped. I'm glad Bill and Ginny were supportive for a while, but now I get the feeling they have withheld their support? and you don't need to date them? Let me know if I have misread.
 
We had one fight about about it. It originally started as workshop about conflicts and Cubanian crisis. Than it went to conflicts in general. And I just saw my rape story there - that the rapist acted as some nations or armies do. And than somehow we started fighting because I compared rape to war crimes. And Ginny wanted me to have some understanding for rapists and said that there is no evil, only people with unsatisfied needs.

So… I probably agreed that there are people with unsatisfied needs, but there is also evil. Or I just experience it. And I feel like she just think I am too much or something. Which I am, but I just was so hurt by someone I trusted and I just try to be more conscious about things and relationships because I know that I can be tricked easily into something. I also don't feel very supported by my organization because they sent me away from one meeting because my rapist girlfriend said she could not be with me in the same place. And I know Ginny is mad at me for being too dramatic about it.

At some point, I just decided to forget all these things and get back to being friends with them. But it is still killing me inside. And I am actually thinking about leaving the work group.
 
I'm not sure what purpose would be served by having understanding for the rapist. Would it stop them from raping again? A rapist is a danger to others in general, so it makes sense to protect ourselves from that danger.

You are not getting the kind of support you should be getting for what you are going through. Ginny is not supporting you. I would not blame you if you distanced yourself from her, but maybe you have mixed feelings about that.

It is not easy to let it go, but once you do, you realize how much you were putting up with. You're not getting support and that pretty much tells you what you should do. Don't roll over. Stand up for yourself.
 
neopoly said:
And Ginny want me to have some understanding for rapists and said that there is no evil, only people with unsatisfied needs.
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What the actual fuck.
neopoly said:
And I know Ginny is mad at me for beeing too dramatic about it.
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I am upgrading my opinion from "you should not be in a triad with Ginny" to "you should never speak to Ginny ever again, and Ginny should fall off a fucking cliff."
 
I'm sorry you were raped. :( I think healing from assault could be your priority rather than seeking to date a couple.

I also don't feel very supported by my organization because they sent me away from one meeting because my rapist girlfriend said she could not be with me in the same place. And I know Ginny is mad at me for being too dramatic about it.
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This is a strange-sounding work group!

Is the rapist part of the work group as well? Why people are behaving so weirdly?

At some point, I just decided to forget all these things and get back to being friends with them. But it is still killing me inside. And I am actually thinking about leaving the work group.
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I think that would be a good idea.

I think that not having to work with either your rapist's GF, Ginny, or Bill would be a GOOD thing for your healing. (And not having to work with the rapist -- if they somehow also work at this place.)


I was raped recently and they were supportive for some time, but that I was too much, I guess. I am still sometimes depressive or feel like burden and it is not sexy.
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I hope you are able to reach out to professionals so you get better support as you continue to heal and figure out your next steps, since the rape was recent.

I don't think the Ginny and Bill are the right people to aid you.

Galagirl
 
Hi

Thank for caring. It is not as bad as it could seem like. And I get support from a specialist. But my ex-boyfriend/rapist is just super annoying lately.

Also, I am not forced to work with my rapist girlfriend. She is ten years younger and she attended one of our long-term courses. I was just a one-time-lector on that course, and the core team send me home after my rapist girlfriend wanted that. The core team still think it was good decison. :( Ginny wasn't at that event, but is part of the core team, and so supports them more than me. I actually can leave the large group (which the members of core team are part of) and still stay in the organization, which I will do probably on Tuesday, but I am scared of it like hell. I know I have to do it for my healing, but it scares me at the same time, because deep inside I wanted this group to be my safe place so much.

Also I maybe have some pattern to like people who don't care about me so much… It scares me, but it makes sense somehow.
 
Well just try to do better for yourself in the future. Be wary of people who don't care about you, and break with them as soon as you know that they don't care about you. Which you are already doing, so I give you kudos for that.
 
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