Is it that strange that I’m monogamous in a romantic sense but have always known that I want open relationships?

[Davide]

I’m almost 26, and I find myself thinking about this question more and more, as my personal life seems like a complicated mix of these two opposites.

Since childhood, I’ve always been inclined toward deep romantic attachments. When I fell in love, it was serious; I was always loyal and fully immersed in my feelings. But at the same time, I realized that in terms of sexuality, I’m more open to experimenting with different partners. I started noticing this feeling in my teenage years when I realized that, despite being emotionally attached to a girl, I still wanted to interact with other people and openly try something new.

For example, when I was in love with my best friend since I was 13, we were close and tactile, flirted with each other, but that didn’t affect my deep attachment. We didn’t have an open relationship at first, but after several years of being together, we tried that model. It happened about a year ago, but unfortunately, the experiment didn’t work. Having other girls in my life as sexual partners didn’t affect my feelings for her, but the open relationship structure wasn’t the right fit for us.

So here’s the question: how strange is it that I feel monogamous in romantic relationships but at the same time strive for sexual freedom and open relationships? Why do these two aspects of my personality not always align, and how do I reconcile them within one relationship? It’s a complex question, and it feels like I’m still trying to find a balance between these conflicting desires.

 

[jelly]

To me, it sounds like you and your partner should probably look into the swing life, where you both go out to parties, etc., together to find other couples or individuals you both like, and have fun with them. (No emotional connections to these other people, and you get to have good time with them and your significant other too, which could spice up your intimate relationship with your forever and give you the excitement you crave in the bedroom. (Always make sure your partner is okay with such things first before doing anything, because trust and communication is key to a happy relationship.)

 

[Magdlyn]

I’m almost 26, and I find myself thinking about this question more and more, as my personal life seems like a complicated mix of these two opposites.

You are a young person, a male, I assume? You're loaded with testosterone, which causes you to want to spread that seed. It's biological. Many/most young people enjoy seeking a variety of sex partners, especially guys. Romance has nothing to do with it. It's just your sexual drive.

How strange is it that I feel monogamous in romantic relationships, but at the same time strive for sexual freedom and open relationships? Why do these two aspects of my personality not always align, and how do I reconcile them within one relationship? It’s a complex question, and it feels like I’m still trying to find a balance between these conflicting desires.

It's not strange at all. You could be "monoromantic," but "polysexual." How do you reconcile this within a monogamous relationship model? Um, repress it? Unless your gf can get on board with an open relationship, in that case, you could seek others for sex, but do things to avoid falling in love with others, if the emotional side is what gf has a problem with. But if she's entirely against even the sexual part, you two are no longer compatible, and might be better off parting, to avoid hurting her.

The previous poster suggested swinging, but again, if gf isn't interested in either having sex with others, or you having sex with others, this is not a practical solution. However, some couples go to swingers clubs and don't engage with others. They just go to socialize and observe, and then bring that sexual energy home to enhance their own sex. I don't know if that would be a workable compromise for you, or just frustrating for you both.

 

[Davide]

You are a young person, a male, I assume? You're loaded with testosterone, which causes you to want to spread that seed. It's biological. Many/most young people enjoy seeking a variety of sex partners, especially guys. Romance has nothing to do with it. It's just a your sexual drive.

It's not strange at all. You could be "monoromantic," but "polysexual." How do you reconcile this within a monogamous relationship model? Um, repress it? Unless your gf can get on board with an open relationship, in that case, you could seek others for sex, but do things to avoid falling in love with others, if the emotional side is what gf has a problem with. But if she's entirely against even the sexual part, you two are no longer compatible, and might be better off parting, to avoid hurting her.

The previous poster suggested swinging, but again, if gf isn't interested in either having sex with others, or you having sex with others, this is not a practical solution. However, some couples go to swingers clubs and don't engage with others. They just go to socialize and observe, and then bring that sexual energy home to enhance their own sex. I don't know if that would be a workable compromise for you, or just frustrating for you both.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think you're right in pointing out that this could be related to being "monoromantic" but "polysexual." It's a useful way to view the internal conflict I feel, especially as I try to reconcile these parts of myself within a relationship.

I don’t think repressing my sexual desires is a long-term solution, as it could lead to frustration or dissatisfaction over time. But at the same time, I understand that insisting on something my partner doesn’t want could hurt her and damage the relationship. When we tried open relationships, it was mutually agreed upon, and initially, everything seemed to work because we set clear boundaries, and both of us were open to exploring it. She approached it enthusiastically, especially given that she wanted to explore her bisexuality and we both had high libidos, looking for ways to fulfill our sexual needs.

However, over time, her feelings changed, and she started reproaching me for suggesting it, even though she had initially been on board. These reproaches came not in the form of direct conversations, but rather subtle remarks like, "Well, unlike you, I really love you," or, before our wedding night, when her friend wished us a good evening, she jokingly responded, "Only if he doesn't want to bring someone else along." These comments make me feel like she believes I don't love or value her as much as I should.

I respected her decision to stop open relationships and agreed without hesitation because, in the end, I value her and our connection above all else. But now, when she occasionally makes these remarks, I don’t know how to interpret them. I don’t want to be a scapegoat for unresolved feelings related to past experiences.

Your point about swinging or exploring places like clubs as observers is interesting. I understand how this could introduce novelty without breaking boundaries, but my wife has become increasingly uncomfortable with the topic of non-monogamy, even jokingly. I think these remarks come from unresolved feelings about our past experiment, and I don’t want to push her further.

Ultimately, I’m left wondering how to balance these two aspects of myself. Can someone who craves sexual experimentation truly find satisfaction in lifelong monogamy? Maybe love and commitment require sacrifices, but I fear losing an important part of myself in the process. Perhaps the answer lies in better communication, finding ways to reignite the passion within the boundaries we've set, or, if necessary, realizing that our needs may no longer align.

 

[Bobbi]

Only you can answer if that sacrifice will work for you.

My personal experience has shown me that when I cannot be my authentic self, I start to resent my partner. The thoughts your partner has about you will pop into your head about her. If she loved me she wouldn't want to change me. She'd love all of me for who I am.

You have respected her wishes, but still receive punishment for something in the past. A person can hear that for so long before realizing that they should just live their authentic life, since they are being punished for it, anyway.

All of this is harmful, and if not worked out in therapy, will end your relationship. Your incompatibility will win over time unless something major changes.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think you're right in pointing out that this could be related to being "monoromantic" but "polysexual." It's a useful way to view the internal conflict I feel, especially as I try to reconcile these parts of myself within a relationship.

I don’t think repressing my sexual desires is a long-term solution, as it could lead to frustration or dissatisfaction over time.

That's why I winked. I think it's natural to desire more than one person, of course (living poly as I do). I know most people do get attracted to others after starting a serious mono relationship or getting married, and repress it, don't tell their partner, fantasize about others, and often cheat. And half of all marriages end in divorce, so, monogamy is not for life!

I lived mono for 30 years. (Yes, I'm pretty old.) I always knew I had desires for others, or would at least notice cute people all the time, interesting and intriguing people, and have to draw boundaries and repress it, and resort to fantasizing about them.

But at the same time, I understand that insisting on something my partner doesn’t want could hurt her and damage the relationship. When we tried open relationships, it was mutually agreed upon, and initially, everything seemed to work because we set clear boundaries, and both of us were open to exploring it. She approached it enthusiastically, especially given that she wanted to explore her bisexuality and we both had high libidos, looking for ways to fulfill our sexual needs.

However, over time, her feelings changed, and she started reproaching me for suggesting it, even though she had initially been on board. These reproaches came not in the form of direct conversations, but rather subtle remarks like, "Well, unlike you, I really love you," or, before our wedding night, when her friend wished us a good evening, she jokingly responded, "Only if he doesn't want to bring someone else along." These comments make me feel like she believes I don't love or value her as much as I should.

Ooh, my ex h was passive aggressive in many ways around my sexuality, and it really icks me out to hear that. It's so cowardly.

I respected her decision to stop open relationships and agreed without hesitation because, in the end, I value her and our connection above all else. But now, when she occasionally makes these remarks, I don’t know how to interpret them. I don’t want to be a scapegoat for unresolved feelings related to past experiences.

Your point about swinging or exploring places like clubs as observers is interesting. I understand how this could introduce novelty without breaking boundaries, but my wife has become increasingly uncomfortable with the topic of non-monogamy, even jokingly. I think these remarks come from unresolved feelings about our past experiment, and I don’t want to push her further.

When you two experimented in the past, did you try threesomes, where you sought a "hot bi babe" so you could enjoy a different person and your wife could explore her bi side? And the relationships all flopped? And wife got dinged? Jealous? Etc.?

Many couples try that threesome thing to "protect their relationship." Most successful poly people date independently. It actually causes less jealousy and is more likely to succeed.

Ultimately, I’m left wondering how to balance these two aspects of myself. Can someone who craves sexual experimentation truly find satisfaction in lifelong monogamy? Maybe love and commitment require sacrifices, but I fear losing an important part of myself in the process. Perhaps the answer lies in better communication, finding ways to reignite the passion within the boundaries we've set, or, if necessary, realizing that our needs may no longer align.

You've known or dated your wife since you were 13, half your life. People who bond and commit that young, or even older, do grow and change as they grow up. So maybe this is too big an obstacle to overcome. Or then again, maybe you went about opening up wrong and did some things that were counter-productive. Maybe if you were able to communicate openly, without this passive-aggressive attitude on her part, you could be successful at having an open relationship.

This is a board for polyamory (many loves). You seem to think all your love goes to your wife, and only your body craves others. But be forewarned that sex and love do go hand-in-hand, and often people who go into it just looking for sex end up catching feelings for their sex partner.

Please check out our list of resources here. Much research is needed to do poly right, since it's such a counter-cultural movement. It's not easy to do. You two may have jumped in blind before.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Davide,

It's not strange to me that you're romantically monogamous but still want open relationships. We see lots of people here that feel the same as you. You could call it being polysexual, and there is nothing wrong with it. All you need is mutual consent from each of your sexual partners, and you are good to go.

Unfortunately, you do not have consent from your wife for an open relationship. You will have to figure out whether you can stand to live in sexual monogamy, it kind of depends on your percentage of polysexuality. If you are 60% polysexual, and 40% monosexual, then you can probably live in sexual monogamy and be reasonably happy. But, if you are 90% polysexual, and 10% monosexual, then it will be a lot harder for you to be happy living in sexual monogamy. I hope that makes sense.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[icesong]

Hi Davide,
My personal story in some ways mirrors yours - met Knight when we were 16, and we basically were immediately committed to a relationship. We did start exploring being open around 20 or so, and like you, at that time, I didn't believe I could fall in love with anyone else. And I didn't, until we were 32 or so? (I would have to do math) despite having a lot of fun with other people. Mostly together in more of a swinging model, although we did occasionally see others solo.

How long did any of your "other girls" stay in your life? I"m just wondering whether you have the romantic experience yet to know whether you have just dated people that you weren't "romance" compatible with despite sexual charge. I've fucked many people... I've loved 3. (2 of which you'll see in my signature line.) I mean overall I'm just curious what your negative experience was, as that sort of helps define why your wife may be uncomfortable now.

That said, some of the things you quoted your wife as saying are pretty gross, as Magdlyn pointed out. How much DID you joke about others though? And to be blunt, how is your sex life when you're NOT talking about other people? At some point on my blog I talked about my husband being a little bit too into the idea of me with others, while not being into me - might she feel that way?

You've known or dated your wife since you were 13, half your life. People who bond and commit that young, or even older, do grow and change as they grow up. So maybe this is too big an obstacle to overcome. Or then again, maybe you went about opening up wrong and did some things that were counter-productive. Maybe if you were able to communicate openly, without this passive-aggressive attitude on her part, you could be successful at having an open relationship.

This. It can be fixed, but there might be some massive change in your relationship first.