Is liking two people at the same time polyamory?

Deer

New member
So for a while now I have had a crush on two people in class. First, it was the girl I sit next to and, then her friend. I also notice that they keep looking at me and, whenever one of them walks away we both look at them. So I guess should I ask out the first girl I was attracted to and, while on the date should I ask if her friend likes me as well? Also is having a mental crisis with my identity common in situations like this? because I am an open person just never thought I would be attracted to two people at the same time.
 
Is this two girls? Let's call them Sally and Jane.

If you want to ask one or the other out? Ask that person out.

And make it clear that you practice polyamory and don't want to be exclusive.

"I think you are really neat and would like to ask you on a date. You need to know that I am not monogamous. I practice polyamory. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea. It's fine if you say no thanks, or need more time to think on it. Either way, I hope you take it as a compliment that I think you are neat."

There. The person knows you are interested and what you seek, and you gave them a way to say no thanks politely.

Keep in mind even if up for poly? Some people don't want to date the same person their friend is dating. Too weird and messy for them.

Have you thought about who would be on your messy people list? You probably don't want to date people that date your relatives, esp parents and siblings, right? How about other people that would make it weird? Your roomie? Your best friend? Your coworkers?

So I guess should I ask out the first girl I was attracted to and, while on the date should I ask if her friend likes me as well?
No. If you want to know what the friend Sally thinks, ask Sally direct if she likes you and would like to date.

Asking Jane if she thinks Sally likes you while ON A DATE with Jane? Kinda rude. Is the date to learn about Jane and get to know her better? Or just pump her for info about Sally?


Also is having a mental crisis with my identity common in situations like this? because I am an open person just never thought I would be attracted to two people at the same time.

I don't know what you mean by this. You did mention class. Are you a teen or 20s person that is a student?

If so, the teens and 20s is the time for figuring out who you are as a young adult. It's NORMAL to feel all "up in the air" because it's a transitional phase of life.

You can be attracted to whoever. You are alive and will notice people. It is ok.

It just means you are attracted. It does not mean they are going to be attracted back. Or that a polyamorous relationship is automatically going to happen here.

Maybe you could slow down some and before you ask anyone out, you spend some time getting to know yourself and what it is you seek?
 
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Thanks, I do know myself, mostly but, my life has kinda been the same so I'm trying to find someone right now I guess for the crisis thing I would never have thought I would like two people at the same time and, I am 19 so I have tons of time to figure out who I am
 
Do you actually seek polyamory? Or were just surprised to find yourself attracted to two people because it never happened before?
 
Polyamory is more than liking two people, or being attracted to them at the same time. This is actually almost universal among humans. We are not naturally monogamous. Monogamy is a social/economic prospect. Humans are naturally promiscuous.

If you're the reading type, you might want to read Sex at Dawn for more on this topic.

As far as this specific situation, maybe only one of these young women really likes you, and her friend is just egging her on. I'd start by just engaging them in general conversation after class. If that goes well, maybe you could say, Hey, I'm going to X cafe for a drink. Would either of you want to come? Maybe they'll both say yes, or maybe just one will. I remember when I was 19, I was casual friends with a bunch of other students, about 3-4 guys that were friends and lived together. I thought they were all cute and nice. One of them had dated my roommate, but they were no longer dating. There was a movie I wanted to see and I called their house and asked if anyone there wanted to go with me. Turns out only one of them was interested in me, "that way." He immediately said yes. We ended up getting married lol

But if both of your classmates are into you, well, you'll end up finding out eventually if you all just start talking...
 
Hello Deer,

Polyamory is more like when you are actually *dating* two people, not just when you like two people at the same time. Liking two people can happen in monogamy as well as polyamory.

It seems to me like a reasonable approach, for you to ask the first girl out, then ask her if her friend is interested in you too. Though maybe you could hold off on actual dating until you have had conversations about this with both girls.

Who knows, maybe they'd even like to both date you at the same time!
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
update the two people I liked in class weren't there yesterday, sigh. Will there be any opportunities in the future? What do I do if it's just one person do I tell them that I'm into polyamory?
 
update the two people I liked in class weren't there yesterday, sigh. Will there be any opportunities in the future?
If it's a class they are taking, they'd be required to be there to keep up with the work, so I'd think they'd be back.
What do I do if it's just one person? Do I tell them that I'm into polyamory?
If you like a person and want to ask them on a date, it's kind and it saves later trouble to tell them asap that you're poly. This will make your dating pool smaller, of course, since monogamy is the current cultural norm. But polyamory is getting more and more popular, especially among younger people, so be brave and true to yourself. That's the key to happiness.

Try reading the book Opening Up to learn more about poly basics, mistakes, relationship shapes, etc. It's really a great book. The best thing to do when you're new to poly is to read read read. There are also podcasts to listen to when you're traveling or before bed or whatever.
 
I should have probably said it was the last day of the quarter so sometimes people are gone on the last day lol
 
I don't know what kind of school and you do not have to say online.

But if there's student directory, yearbook, you know a friend of a friend, etc? Look up their info.

Or wait til next school term.

Or call it missed opportunity and next time be prepared to give them YOUR number before last day so they can call you over break if they'd like to.
 
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