Dear Forum Members,
I wonder if you have any advice for me—thanks on advance for your emotional labor.
I am having trouble understanding how to proceed with the relationship my NP and I have. We have been together for eight years but the sexual flame has dwindled. I am straight and she identified as queer when she began to date B, a woman. Since I am a non-binary person (assigned male at birth), it makes sense that she would be attracted to us both, even if for me it is emotionally romantic and for B it is emotionally and sexually. I want her to have all her needs met. Our basic arrangements is that we are each other’s NPs, we own our home, are our emergency contacts, and cohabitate because we are in love. But I am away a lot for work and sleepovers elsewhere are fine for both of us. So I try not to be hierarchical, even if I prefer being her “primary.” She prefers “NP.”
Two years ago she began dating a woman called B. Life went on without incident, but B wanted my wife to come out as poly so that they could be on social media together, attend family gatherings on holidays, etc. My wife and I are both teachers and B was my former student many years ago (she is 26, my wife 40), so I didn’t think it was a good idea. I don’t ask about or know anything intimate about B because I don’t want to have that kind of knowledge about a former student. So when B insisted she wanted more visibility, my wife gave in. There were pictures of them on Instagram (limited settings to Close Friends) and my wife came out as poly to her family and even introduced B to them.
I wasn’t ready for this. I also wasn’t prepared to be out as poly to all these people I have known forever. My wife apologized for barreling ahead but also didn’t want B to break up with her. I get it and love her so much that I don’t want to stand in the way.
After my wife agreed to make B much less of a dirty little secret, I started noticing B wanted even more. She would be jealous of me when I was home from work. I suggested B try to find another partner that isn’t my wife, but I didn’t really want to legislate another’s love life. It just put a lot of burden on my wife’s time with me if she was B’s primary relationship.
So B began to date H, and they hit it off so well that B also started posting about H as her partner and generally being visible in social media and with friends. But H was new to poly and didn’t seem ok with it. B stopped giving enough time to my wife and they soon broke up. I was sad about this because I knew how well they got along. I was also hoping that B having another partner would balance things out time-wise.
Fast forward to January of third year, when my wife began to date J, about a month after she broke up with B. J is my wife’s age and is also not keen on being out as either poly or gay because she is also in education. But it’s only been a month and my wife refers to J as her “partner” already and brings her around to social events with all of our mutual friends. It makes me feel replaceable, like anyone will do. At the same time I know this is jealousy I have to examine and that I am away at work a lot and can’t expect my wife to just not live her best life. So I don’t object to anything and suffer in silence. Moreover, my wife’s homophobic mother doesn’t like that she dates women and believes in all the sanctity of marriage toxic monogamy crap. I fear that any criticism I have about my wife moving too fast will put me in the category of her mom and others who aren’t supportive. Besides, the last time she came out as queer years ago—right out of college—her mom did not accept her queerness. To make matters worse, Heather was beaten up by two different women. So be sure of domestic violence she may have repressed her attraction to women and is just now starting to feel safe being intimate with them.
My wife and I had a great sex life for many years, but whether it was too much familiarity, our anxiety meds killing our libidos, or both of our traumas making sex a bit more difficult to navigate, we stopped having sex. We are of course physically intimate with cuddling and kissing and holding hands. I guess all this time I thought my wife and I were both mostly asexual but polyromantic.
But my wife now has said she had sex with B and also now has sex with J. J tells my wife that she must have been a lesbian this whole time. My wife indeed has stopped referring to herself as asexual or even queer, just as a “lesbian.”
I have read in multiple Facebook poly groups that it is just NRE. Wait it out, they say. My wife is figuring it all out. All those hormones can override anxiety meds that kill libido. She is gay when she is with J, just not when she is with you. Both can be true. Etc.
At the same time, now that I am back at work away from home, I get fewer calls from my wife, sometimes not even a goodnight. It triggers my abandonment issues and anxiety. My wife says things like, “J is also my partner” and “Who knows what the future will bring?” and I get very panicky from these statements. I don’t want to be one of two equal partners (multi-fidelity); I just want to be NPs with girlfriends. But I also don’t want to stand in my wife’s way if she really has been gay this whole time and repressed it. Her having sex hasn’t led to us having sex. So it feels like I am being “friend zoned” within my own marriage and that I will be phased out. My wife also wants her relationship with J to be closed —she didn’t feel valued with B got with H, so she needs that attention. And J is apparently mono. They have already flown to bridal showers together, will be meeting the parents, etc. It is happening so fast it makes my head spin. It feels like both too fast and the slowest breakup ever.
If I object, I will be resented. I feel like a burden. I wouldn’t want my wife to call me more or make vacation plans out of obligation and then resent me for taking too much of her time, so I now sometimes go several days without hearing from her, which makes me feel disconnected but at the same happy that she is being honest about doing only what she wants. But this comes at the expense of my needs and now I worry that the relationship is a fraud because she only wants to fuck cisgender women and to be a lesbian. As a non-binary person I don’t feel “woman enough” to be a “real lesbian” and fear my body parts are a liability in this situation.
I can’t tell the difference between a legitimate fear and a paranoid anxiety catastrophizing thought.
Is there anyone out there who is either gay and married to someone non-binary or a different gender but you have deep romantic love for them but no sex? Have any of you moved from asexual to sexual because of a new partner? Am I just being too hierarchical and jealous and need to handle my shit? Thanks for reading this long-ass post!
I wonder if you have any advice for me—thanks on advance for your emotional labor.
I am having trouble understanding how to proceed with the relationship my NP and I have. We have been together for eight years but the sexual flame has dwindled. I am straight and she identified as queer when she began to date B, a woman. Since I am a non-binary person (assigned male at birth), it makes sense that she would be attracted to us both, even if for me it is emotionally romantic and for B it is emotionally and sexually. I want her to have all her needs met. Our basic arrangements is that we are each other’s NPs, we own our home, are our emergency contacts, and cohabitate because we are in love. But I am away a lot for work and sleepovers elsewhere are fine for both of us. So I try not to be hierarchical, even if I prefer being her “primary.” She prefers “NP.”
Two years ago she began dating a woman called B. Life went on without incident, but B wanted my wife to come out as poly so that they could be on social media together, attend family gatherings on holidays, etc. My wife and I are both teachers and B was my former student many years ago (she is 26, my wife 40), so I didn’t think it was a good idea. I don’t ask about or know anything intimate about B because I don’t want to have that kind of knowledge about a former student. So when B insisted she wanted more visibility, my wife gave in. There were pictures of them on Instagram (limited settings to Close Friends) and my wife came out as poly to her family and even introduced B to them.
I wasn’t ready for this. I also wasn’t prepared to be out as poly to all these people I have known forever. My wife apologized for barreling ahead but also didn’t want B to break up with her. I get it and love her so much that I don’t want to stand in the way.
After my wife agreed to make B much less of a dirty little secret, I started noticing B wanted even more. She would be jealous of me when I was home from work. I suggested B try to find another partner that isn’t my wife, but I didn’t really want to legislate another’s love life. It just put a lot of burden on my wife’s time with me if she was B’s primary relationship.
So B began to date H, and they hit it off so well that B also started posting about H as her partner and generally being visible in social media and with friends. But H was new to poly and didn’t seem ok with it. B stopped giving enough time to my wife and they soon broke up. I was sad about this because I knew how well they got along. I was also hoping that B having another partner would balance things out time-wise.
Fast forward to January of third year, when my wife began to date J, about a month after she broke up with B. J is my wife’s age and is also not keen on being out as either poly or gay because she is also in education. But it’s only been a month and my wife refers to J as her “partner” already and brings her around to social events with all of our mutual friends. It makes me feel replaceable, like anyone will do. At the same time I know this is jealousy I have to examine and that I am away at work a lot and can’t expect my wife to just not live her best life. So I don’t object to anything and suffer in silence. Moreover, my wife’s homophobic mother doesn’t like that she dates women and believes in all the sanctity of marriage toxic monogamy crap. I fear that any criticism I have about my wife moving too fast will put me in the category of her mom and others who aren’t supportive. Besides, the last time she came out as queer years ago—right out of college—her mom did not accept her queerness. To make matters worse, Heather was beaten up by two different women. So be sure of domestic violence she may have repressed her attraction to women and is just now starting to feel safe being intimate with them.
My wife and I had a great sex life for many years, but whether it was too much familiarity, our anxiety meds killing our libidos, or both of our traumas making sex a bit more difficult to navigate, we stopped having sex. We are of course physically intimate with cuddling and kissing and holding hands. I guess all this time I thought my wife and I were both mostly asexual but polyromantic.
But my wife now has said she had sex with B and also now has sex with J. J tells my wife that she must have been a lesbian this whole time. My wife indeed has stopped referring to herself as asexual or even queer, just as a “lesbian.”
I have read in multiple Facebook poly groups that it is just NRE. Wait it out, they say. My wife is figuring it all out. All those hormones can override anxiety meds that kill libido. She is gay when she is with J, just not when she is with you. Both can be true. Etc.
At the same time, now that I am back at work away from home, I get fewer calls from my wife, sometimes not even a goodnight. It triggers my abandonment issues and anxiety. My wife says things like, “J is also my partner” and “Who knows what the future will bring?” and I get very panicky from these statements. I don’t want to be one of two equal partners (multi-fidelity); I just want to be NPs with girlfriends. But I also don’t want to stand in my wife’s way if she really has been gay this whole time and repressed it. Her having sex hasn’t led to us having sex. So it feels like I am being “friend zoned” within my own marriage and that I will be phased out. My wife also wants her relationship with J to be closed —she didn’t feel valued with B got with H, so she needs that attention. And J is apparently mono. They have already flown to bridal showers together, will be meeting the parents, etc. It is happening so fast it makes my head spin. It feels like both too fast and the slowest breakup ever.
If I object, I will be resented. I feel like a burden. I wouldn’t want my wife to call me more or make vacation plans out of obligation and then resent me for taking too much of her time, so I now sometimes go several days without hearing from her, which makes me feel disconnected but at the same happy that she is being honest about doing only what she wants. But this comes at the expense of my needs and now I worry that the relationship is a fraud because she only wants to fuck cisgender women and to be a lesbian. As a non-binary person I don’t feel “woman enough” to be a “real lesbian” and fear my body parts are a liability in this situation.
I can’t tell the difference between a legitimate fear and a paranoid anxiety catastrophizing thought.
Is there anyone out there who is either gay and married to someone non-binary or a different gender but you have deep romantic love for them but no sex? Have any of you moved from asexual to sexual because of a new partner? Am I just being too hierarchical and jealous and need to handle my shit? Thanks for reading this long-ass post!
