Is poly just "more" or actually "draining" of life?

[Orlandobif]

It’s kind of funny this idea that poly is “more” and when I speak to non-poly peeps the impression is more dates, more sex, more social stuff, more intimacy, closer friends, more help, more fun, remaining close with people I have history with (notice I do not use the term “Xs” but I tend to say we have some history together when just chatting lightly). All of these amazing benefits and perks.

The truth is all of these and more breakups, more mismatches, more “not looking for the same things”, more sadness, more lonliness, more expense, more mismatch in effort, more superficial, more neglect of the rest of life. Then when I hit “looking back” of the relationship valley I wonder what I actually got out of it.

Amazing peaks are short lived but, well, amazing. Sad lows make me look around at other relationships in my life and they feel deficient, less exciting, less close, more lopsided.

I’d like to think I am not in pursuit of the peaks at the expense of the long term close and meaningful more permanent relationships I need and want and then I look at my time and where it is spent. Like the buzz of a text message, the possibiliies around the room, around an event, online…all have a little tingle to them. Then it passes.

While I do not expect regular tingles in my long term marriage (19 years) I am always excited to see my wife. I follow her around the house like a child showing her my arts and crafts today. I always retreat to the safety, comfort and care that I can’t seem to reproduce in other places on a more permanent basis. If I put the effort into creating novelty in my home life would I be so intrigued by socializing and possibilities? It's a good healthy place. She treats me right. Perfect? No, but really good.

I admit to being an outgoing extrovert. I need people. I need groups. I need community and yet, they produce little more than short term intensity and later, disappointment and little to show for it but a good time at Fiddlers.

It’s inaccurate to say I haven’t made many friends socializing and dating within the poly community and I might even underestimate those that are closer than I think. The ones that would show up if I needed them but among the mass and constant influx of new people have I lost track and disappointment is misplaced? I just can’t see through the ping of a text message to what is real?

Just meandering outloud. Hoping it seems to ring a bell with others. Are you satisfied with your poly journey?

 

[MsEmotional]

Thank you for this thread -- I find your post really interesting.

I am very new on my poly journey. I am in my first relationship outside my marriage and I have been wondering many of the same things. It's so much work! I love two people, but does maintaining two relationships really make me more satisfied with life?

 

[sunray]

Yes. I'm very satisfied with my poly journey. I've packed almost 30 years of lived relationships into 21.5 years of having relationships. It makes my experience richer. Denser. Full of more (heartache and growth and learning and joy). I've been able to stay emotionally intimate with people who would have been left behind in a more mono paradigm.

And when it comes to my current longest-term relationship with my live-in partner, it's not just that having NRE with other people reminds me of how it feels to have NRE with him and reawakens all of those happy crushy feelings right in the midst of also having a gorgeous settled history and a high-functioning intertwined life. It's also the opportunity to hash out relationship issues in conversation with him, to bring him the things I'm mulling over and get his perspective, even when they didn't arise in our own relationship. (Always with the most careful respect for the privacy of my other partners, of course.)

I like to live vividly. And poly helps bump up the saturation.

 

[Mya]

This is an interesting topic. For me, I feel that polyamory has the potential to give life more intensity, both good and bad. I felt the latter quite strongly at the end of last year when I had three break-ups in three months. But also, my birthday was a month before the string of break-ups, and I had the time of my life. Each of my partners did something nice for me on my birthday week and I felt so spoiled and overflowingly happy. So intensity on both ends of the spectrum. This year I promised myself to date less - or at least get less emotionally invested / committed to people other than my main partner Jasmin. And that has brought me a lot of joy and happiness to be honest. I don't miss the intensity. If I do at some point, maybe I'll start looking around again, but right now I'm really happy as it is. My two casual partners/lovers seem happy with this arrangement too. Neither of them have that much time/energy to give me anyway, so they're happy with what I can give them.

I think poly can definitely get very draining and you have little time to do anything else if you date a lot. But in the end it's about priorities. In the past I've prioritised romantic relationships fairly highly, but now I feel like I want to do other stuff with my life too! I want to have time for myself and for my hobbies and friends. I want life to be a little less busy. So that's what I'm working towards at the moment.

 

[central]

I'm happy with my poly journey. Presently I don't have other partners or prospects - but I'd like some!

I think some people can - and do - do well with non-hierarchical, network poly. I don't think I'm one of them. I really like a deep, secure, lasting relationship (perhaps including marriage - and I am very happy in my married relationship), and adding to that. We both see this marriage as a permanent, wonderful relationship. We're both open to expanding it, but if we don't find anyone, we will still be happy with each other. We're open to finding others, but there are few people who could become truly co-equal partners, and to do so we'd all have to live together for some time and have it grow into that, IMO.

That said, I'm definitely about fairness. Ideally, I would like to find someone who is also in a deep, wonderful primary relationship, so we could be supplements/secondaries to each other. Otherwise, someone who only wants a part-time relationship - perhaps is happy with a secondary role, or has her own network of other relationships of which I'm just one.

My first poly relationship was based on such a secondary model, and worked very well for everyone. Both my wife and I had secondaries, who had their own primaries and secondaries. My second poly relationship was moving towards a live in relationship, and we all discussed what we needed, and how we'd transition to being co-equal. But she met someone who wanted monogamy, and she decided that would be best for her. I think that was a good decision for her.

We've each had some FWB scenarios too, that never evolved further. We can but try, and see what develops!

 

[icesong]

I like to live vividly. And poly helps bump up the saturation.

I love this phrasing for this, absolutely adore it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Orlandobif,

I think that poly drains very little of one's capacity to love. However, it can drain quite a bit from one's time, energy, and resources. There's a limit to how many partners one can realistically have ... a point I have heard called "polysaturation."

I am satisfied with my poly journey, however it should be said that I'm a leg in a poly-fi V, and as such I just have one partner. Which works for me.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Shaya]

Thanks Orlandobif! I find your question very interesting.

Although the topic of the thread may not look related, I found many of the replies here to touch on the same topic you're asking. You may find something interesting there.

 

[Al99]

I also find this to be an interesting topic - and my perspective is somewhat different, being the mono guy who reluctantly decided to give poly a try because he loves his wife enough to go along with it. While I am open to the possibility of having an additional partner myself, right now I am the practicing mono while my wife is enjoying all the benefits (although, all she really wants out of "poly" is to have a relationship with one particular guy).

My wife, Becky, has said that it makes her life fuller and happier - as well as busier and more demanding - she does try her best to be a good hinge - and does a pretty good job of it actually, considering we've only been at this for 8 months or so. I think it would be fair to say that, in total, she considers it a positive experience.

As the practicing mono - the only real satisfaction is the altruistic, the happiness one finds in seeing their loved one happy - but, really, not much else. But the altruistic counts for something - and the only reason I agreed to try a poly marriage. And while I have become reasonably comfortable with the concept, it really adds nothing to my life - other than the altruistic. On the flip side, I have invested a lot of time and energy in coming to terms with poly - so I can be comfortable with it for Becky. I do have a number of other interests where that time and energy could have also been meaningfully applied for my own benefit. Of course, if I should ever decide to indulge with another partner, perhaps I will feel differently.

I must add, as well, that when I read daily of all the problems that people have with poly - even more so than with mono (which obviously has its problems as well), because poly involves additional relationships and connections with metamours and cross-connections, etc. - I do sometimes wonder if many of them would not be happier with mono, which is inherently simpler. And even if poly - as a whole - is worth the effort and heartache it requires to maintain multiple relationships. Just a thought. Al

 

[Bluebird]

I am very satisfied with my poly journey. There have been ups and downs, but the positive is definitely winning! I love my two husbands, heart and soul, and I have taken a year to heal from my last breakup with a long term partner. That was unequivocally the worst relationship I had ever been in, but with therapy and time to focus on the wonderful things in my life, I am in a position again to find another partner. And I don't feel like I need to be in a hurry. It's a good feeling.

 

[Marcus]

I must add, as well, that when I read daily of all the problems that people have with poly - even more so than with mono

Something to keep in mind is to take a look at your sample data. This is a discussion board which people can come and discuss hard topics. People who are happy as clams and/or not interested in discussing relationship dynamics at least on an academic level are not going to show up here.

Also, discussing relationships is something that poly folk are prone to doing. It doesn't seem as socially acceptable to have frank conversations about relationship dynamics among mono folk.

because poly involves additional relationships and connections with metamours and cross-connections, etc. - I do sometimes wonder if many of them would not be happier with mono, which is inherently simpler. And even if poly - as a whole - is worth the effort and heartache it requires to maintain multiple relationships.

Relationships have problems because the people in them have unrealistic expectations, faulty communication, self-deception, etc. That doesn't even touch on the traditional relationship assumptions like entitlement to a partners energy/time/attention, "coupling" is the only way, and jealousy is healthy, ignoring clear personality mismatch... I mean the way people go at relationships is horrifying.

Drag all of these bad behaviors in to polyamory and yeah, it's going to be a train wreck.

The good news is that this traditional "relationships are hard work" approach to relating to our fellow humans isn't necessary.

 

[Al99]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Al99
I must add, as well, that when I read daily of all the problems that people have with poly - even more so than with mono
Marcus replied:
Something to keep in mind is to take a look at your sample data. This is a discussion board which people can come and discuss hard topics. People who are happy as clams and/or not interested in discussing relationship dynamics at least on an academic level are not going to show up here.

Actually, I do think this is a fair point, and one that I had both heard and considered previously - but didn't really include on my original post. A good number of folks do come here to specifically ask for advice on problem issues - so it undoubtedly does skew the results. Still, I do think that poly is more problem-prone just because of the greater number of moving parts - but obviously not unmanageable. I have also noticed that there are a number of regular posters on the board who appear to be in relatively stable poly configurations. Al

 

[vinsanity0]

For me, poly is much less draining than mono. I think that is because I am more of an introvert. "Me time" is very important to me. If my partners have other partners then I am not expected to give 100% of my time to them. Having mono partners can be stressful to me.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm convinced that poly is suited for a small minority of people - for those who are more satisfied then drained by it perhaps, if we oversimplify. If you, Orlandobif, belong to those people, will have to be your judgement alone...

 

[lunabunny]

For me, poly is much less draining than mono. I think that is because I am more of an introvert. "Me time" is very important to me. If my partners have other partners then I am not expected to give 100% of my time to them. Having mono partners can be stressful to me.

I think this is where my male partner, J's head is at.

Like you, vinsanity, he is also someone who needs a LOT of "alone time". Overt displays of possessiveness are rare as jealousy is a foreign concept to him in general.

Although he had other, casual lovers or fwb when we first met, he dropped those to focus only on me. This was his choice and he seemed glad to do it. He has never required me to do the same.

While he is now the monogamous leg of our V (in which I am the hinge), he actively encourages my relationship with my girlfriend with zero qualms. In a sense, she is somewhere between best friend and girlfriend to him, but they are non-sexual with each other. He simply doesn't have the emotional energy to conduct more than one reciprocal-romantic relationship at a time.

re: OP's topic:

I have to admit, I have experienced "polysaturation" from time to time - being more monogamously inclined, and having entered poly unintentionally - especially during the early days when I was adjusting to having two partners.

Poly can be very time consuming... all-consuming, really... and depending on the nature of one's relationships, it can be emotionally draining, even if the relationships are essentially mutually enjoyable and positive experiences.

This is a natural off-shoot of wanting to make sure BOTH (or all) of one's partners are having all of their needs met, while still trying to live a life that may be full of other demands and obligations. No matter how many partners we may have, there are still only 24 hours in a day.

Conflicts of time and priorities can and do arise. Feelings of guilt or being greedy may percolate, especially for the poly person in a relationship with long distance mono partners, as I am. (Awkward when engaged in heavy or intimate communication with one partner, only to see a breezy "hi, beautiful!" or more pressing "can we talk plz?" flash across the screen.)

That sort of thing used to stop me in my tracks and even reduce me to tears, as I beat myself up with guilt for not being able to be there for my partner/s whenever they wanted or needed me. As somewhat of an empath, I put myself in their shoes and can't say I was a fan of the feeling. Slowly I've learned to believe that THEY both accept the situation as is and still love me, which has freed me to finally accept that I am in a polyamorous relationship permanently

 

[BathedInSalt]

I like to live vividly. And poly helps bump up the saturation.

I love this.
Just last night I was sitting with Dean and was thinking of how much brighter life seems to be now. We are new, we have a lot more poly experiences to navigate, but even if we don't have any of those experiences, even if we decided this wasn't for us after all, our lives are already more than what they were a few months ago.

I like to live vividly too.

 

[Marcus]

Still, I do think that poly is more problem-prone just because of the greater number of moving parts - but obviously not unmanageable.

My point is that the assumptions and behaviors one brings in to a poly relationship will determine how problem prone it is (exactly the same as a mono relationship). The assumptions I mentioned before, the ones that most of us learn from our traditional surroundings, are what will be problem-prone.

Something having moving parts doesn't inherently cause problems - but something being poorly built certainly does.

 

[sunray]

I love this.
...I like to live vividly too.

Thanks, BathedInSalt!

Just to elaborate for a second, 'living vividly' means a lot more to me than just pursuing relationships that bring joy to my days, though certainly that is one of its aspects. It's more my whole philosophy of living mindfully and with great attention to everything there is in life to savor. It has arisen for me through years of personal growth while struggling with chronic illness. In my unwillingness to let chronic pain or unhappiness in limitation set the tone for my life, I slowly uncovered this whole vivid way of being. It has been a grand journey.

 

[Al99]

My point is that the assumptions and behaviors one brings in to a poly relationship will determine how problem prone it is (exactly the same as a mono relationship). The assumptions I mentioned before, the ones that most of us learn from our traditional surroundings, are what will be problem-prone.

Something having moving parts doesn't inherently cause problems - but something being poorly built certainly does.

I fully understand your point, and it is well taken. My question might be that with the greater number of individuals/relationships/moving parts - perhaps the greater the opportunity for issues to arise - simply because even the most relationship-savy individuals, being human, will err on occasions (let that unrealistic expectation slip in...) - so the more humans involved, the greater the chance for error, perhaps? But, I did find your comments helpful - more about what behaviors we bring into a relationship - be it mono or poly - than the style of the relationship - I would agree with that.

I could not agree more with your mention of unrealistic expectations - long before I ever heard the word "polyamory", I had personally deemed unrealistic expectations to be the "root of all relationship evil". Al

 

[Leetah]

This all reminds me of a time Tam and his gay roomate were commiserating over their dating heartaches. They came to the conclusion that it was not that women are messed up or that men are messed up, relationships are just messed up.

Our lives are full of relationships, lots of moving parts. Family, friends, work mates, any of those relationships can throw us off kilter when they go wrong. People bring work conflicts home, relations have fallings out, friends can abandon you, people die. That is human life.

Seems to me that Poly can work for people who need fewer commitments or more commitments. It just depends on what kind of relationships they get themselves into.

Leetah