Is polyamory right for us?

C

cgraham1930

New member
My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years now. Our relationship is less than perfect. We're actually very good friends and live a good life together. We get along for the most part, but that's all there really is. It's like having a really awesome roommate. I, however, want more from the relationship: sex, maybe kids one day, a full-on intimate relationship like we used to have a few years ago. She does not. She doesn't have any desire for sex whatsoever, does not want children (it used to be a 'maybe, when we're older and established' but not anymore), and doesn't care much for showing affection. She says our marriage was probably a mistake, and that she's not the marriage type. We did get married in kind of in a hurry. The military encourages this.

We would probably break up, divorce, whatever, but a few factors are preventing us from doing this: I'm still in the military and stationed in Hawaii, so an official divorce, or even a separation, and the military would kick me out of our house and move me into the barracks. And then we'd be on the hook for sending her back to the States, and shipping all our household goods, or storing them, or we'd have to sell everything. It's complicated. The military makes relationships so stupid. Also, we still love each other in our way, and we'd really miss each other.

She's actually encouraged me to "get out there and date again." I think it could be nice, but could also be weird. She's said she would like to meet the girls I date to "make sure she approves" (she says this while laughing, but I think she's serious about it). She has no intention of leaving, and I don't want her to. But how in the world is this supposed to work? How many girls out there are really down for an awkward situation such as this? I have no idea how to even approach this plan. I mean, imagine the long story I'd have to tell, trying to explain the situation to a girl I meet at a bar. And I'd have to tell it over and over again as they all walk away. It's pretty comical, in my mind.

So I ask, is polyamory for us? Is it our solution, or at least a possible solution?
 
Hey CGraham,

How long to you expect to be in the military?

It is a hard situation, approaching women while already technically married. Is your wife willing to verbally confirm your situation to a potential interest? This would be critical. Not that it will probably raise your success potential much, but a little can be all that's needed, sometimes. But you're wise not to get your hopes up.

If you end your service and get back to the mainland, then you two can have a better discussion about the best course of action going forward. If children are really important to you, legally you will probably need to divorce, as the current laws would not allow benefits from a non-spousal arrangement.

I'd say go explore, see what happens. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
 
I would urge your wife to go to the doctor and have her hormone levels checked, or look for other reasons why her sex drive tanked.
 
I'd say that if you're both up for it, go for it. It seems clear that she wants what's best for you and wouldn't be too jealous.

Quite honestly, I don't know how you'd go about finding anyone else who would be interested in that lifestyle. I certainly wouldn't mention it casually to someone I just met. Probably an online relationship would be the easiest, so you can make sure she knows the situation and is ok with it, before getting your hopes up.
 
I'm with TP. While the emotional aspect may have a lot to do with her lack of interest. I know when I finally got my hormones straightened out, sex became a priority again, and so did our marriage.

But overall I think you both have to be sure of the path you are about to take.

There are women who will be interested, but it'll be full of complications.
 
Actually, I wonder if women would be more interested. It sounds like you are looking for monogamy with a bit of an "arrangement" for now, until your assignment in the military changes. I would be up front and honest from the get-go, and make sure your story matches your wife's.

I doubt that finding a reliable date at the bar will work for this one. It's too complicated and not the best circumstance to be under and be honest. But you never know, right?

You could find someone on a dating site, or at a local poly meet maybe. Hell, try it all, see what happens. It could be a fun project for a time, and you might come up with someone.

Or your wife might think, "Woah, he's serious," and change her mind.
 
Speaking of local Meets, presuming that you're stationed at Pearl, there's the Pali Paths poly peeps (http://palipaths.org/index.php) who run meets in Honolulu. I wasn't able to check them out last time I was over there, but getting some face time with some polyamorous folks might be a good way to check things out and see if this way of living would suit you. Who knows? If it is something you're inclined towards, there might be some interested parties who will already have been introduced to you by the time it's figured out.
 
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