Is polyamory worth it

Faerum

New member
Background: 25yr male, married(mono) to a 26f.
For those of you who were married when you started talking to your partner about polyamory or anything involving another person/people.

I've brought it up jokingly a few times and really only seriously once. I've gotten mixed responses and I'm confident she would say yes to a threesome/foursome but not polyamory/any emotions involved.
Worried that any further discussions will basically be me trying to convince her to open the relationship or have an encounter, and It feels like that convincing would be manipulation on my part.
I'm having trouble deciding if I should continue the conversation I mean, is polyamory really worth it? I don't want to possibly ruin this amazing relationship that I could see lasting for life just to have more life experiences.
I feel like I'm on the edge of a community looking in and agreeing with the views, but going forward could cause me to lose my wife.

What was the catalyst for your relationship that lead you to opening up with a more serious conversation? When you got mixed responses did you keep pushing it, wait for years, just drop it and forget about it?

Frankly, I'm terrified as hell to bring it up a second time. It's one thing to get a yes to a threesome and a completely different thing to actually do it, or even worse clarify the misunderstanding you were talking more about the concept of polyamory than just threesomes.
 

Heddie

New member
If you talked to your wife in a serious manner and told her that you wanted to go poly and she said there is no way in hell that she agreed to that. What would happen in your mind? Would she divorce you because you merely suggested? Would you divorce her because poly is the only way for you? Why do you believe that talking to your wife might end your relationship?
 

Faerum

New member
It's more actually going through with it that I think could harm the relationship.
Her current agreement feels more like a 'because I love you' type of response rather than a 'thats something I could see myself in'
Makes me feel like i'd be manipulating her.
I wouldn't divorce her, if she said she was strongly against it I'd let it go.
 

Inaniel

Well-known member
I'm having trouble deciding if I should continue the conversation I mean, is polyamory really worth it?

No. Definitely not. And threesomes? Yuk.. I mean the other night when I was making out with one person while getting a blowjob from another… All I could think about is how much my life sucks.

It is best forget about all that poly stuff. Ask your wife to swaddle you in a nice warm blanket and keep telling her that she is the summation of your entire sexual existence. Proceed to live happily ever after...
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Her current agreement feels more like a 'because I love you' type of response rather than a 'thats something I could see myself in'

To me that is not a joyful yes.

I don't want people doing stuff "for me" or "because I love you" like they are making some big sacrifice to prove their love. Either do the stuff because they enjoy it. Or don't do the stuff because they don't.

For me love is shared. It doesn't have to be proven. I never ask anyone to "sacrifice" for me like that.

So... if what you need is to talk about you poly thoughts and feelings so you don't go around bottled up? Talk about it then. In theory your wife is supposed to know and love all of you, right? Why go around bottled up if what you crave is emotional and mental intimacy with your wife?

But as far as actually pursuing anyone? Changing the monogamous deal to new open or poly deal? Skip it if she's only going to be doing it "for you." That path often leads to weird resentments from what I've seen.

  • Eventual resentment on your part because she makes you responsible for her choices rather than owning them herself.

  • And misplaced resentment on her part because she's doing stuff she really doesn't want to be doing "for you" and you don't "appreciate" the sacrifice enough. When really? The "for you" is just smoke screen. If she's mad she's doing things she doesn't really want to be doing? She could park the mad on her own head rather than on yours.
Best just not to walk that road at all. It gets really weird.

What was the catalyst for your relationship that lead you to opening up with a more serious conversation?

You don't already have this with your wife? The ability to talk about serious things together? How long does a couple have to be together before they get around to that to you?

The catalyst for me is wanting resilient partners from the start. I tend to be up front relatively early on. People either tell me I'm intimidating or refreshing. DH thought I was refreshing. He knew I was poly back when we were dating -- it did not come up after marriage. So I've had an easier time of it with him than people who discover this about themselves after marriage and have to come out to the spouse as poly later on.

I wouldn't divorce her, if she said she was strongly against it I'd let it go.

I'd suggest anything but a "joyful yes" is a "working no."
  • If she's strongly against it? It's a working no.
  • If she's lukewarm or meh? It's a working no.
  • If she's "I'll do it cuz I love you" with it? It's a working no.
Don't do poly with her if it's anything less than a joyful yes and she's doing it for herself. Not for you.

Which one are you? Which one is wife?
  1. monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) + monogamous shape (wants ONLY 1:1 relating, never poly things)
  2. monoamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do monogamy or like end point in V or similar
  3. polyamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do poly or monogamy so long as they can talk about their poly thoughts/feelings and be authentic selves
  4. polyamorous + poly shape (wants ONLY poly structures, never monogamy)
I think people in the same "category" can date each other ok. Maybe even date someone from the category next to them. But a #1 and a #4 want totally opposite things.

So if you can truly let it go, and be happy in monogamy? Great.

If you can't? Best to reconcile that sooner rather than later.

Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I think a poly person trying to be mono for their partner is like a gay person trying to be straight for their opposite-sex partner. You can fake it for a while, but you'll both know it's the elephant in the room. No matter how much you love each other, you can't change your own sexuality "for someone else," sacrificing your authentic self, and expect this to be fulfilling and completely enjoyable for both people. You'll always have that "What if?" floating around in your head. Monogamy makes us victims of unfulfilled fantasy and cravings.

That might sound harsh but it comes from experience.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Faerum,

Polyamory isn't for everyone, and really the question you are asking is, would polyamory be worth it *for you?* The thing that concerns me here is that your wife doesn't want polyamory, she wants an NSA ONS type of thing. This is not what you want, you want polyamory. You can't get polyamory unless it's something you and your wife both want. Unless of course she gets her NSA ONS type thing separate from you, and you get your polyamorous thing separate from her. But I am thinking that you don't want that. You want something that you can do together with her.

As it stands, polyamory (with her) is not possible, never mind worth it. I guess the question is, would it be worth further trying to convince her? If she said yes, would that only be because that was what you wanted to hear, and she wanted you to stop nagging her about it? and then like you said, there is the fear that she could divorce you over it. Would that be worth it? You certainly wouldn't be getting the polyamory you wanted -- polyamory with her. Are you saying is it worth the risk? I'm not sure I can answer that, you are the one who would suffer the consequences, which makes you uniquely qualified to assess that risk.

My situation was somewhat unusual as my wife at the time had Alzheimer's. I really wasn't even as much of a husband, as I was a caregiver. So talks with her about polyamory had rather random effects, and after a while I decided to just stop asking her, and shield her from the knowledge that I was going ahead with the polyamory. The catalyst was that I had fallen in love with another woman. Now she was married, her husband was of sound mind, and she decided to risk talking to him every couple of weeks about poly, until he agreed to try it after about a year of talks. That was how she assessed her risk.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

3908

Member
Faerum,
welcome to the forum.

I havent read every bit of all the other post replies but ill share from my perspective. Ive been on this poly journey for several years now, first realizing my interest 20 years ago but thought it was swinging with my best friend and his wife, I didn't know what poly was back then.
Ive done enough research on this forum and other pro poly places to know that i see myself as poly.
specifically primary/secondary and kitchen table. that's what i would look for if i could.

so im in a Christian marriage, and my wife is very much Christian, and she's a great woman. to her the whole poly thing is the devil, against the bible, sin sin sin blah blah blah. it scares her on multiple levels. I'm just being honest with myself, my wife and others. how many Christians' cheat? plenty. I have a desire to be with another woman ethically, I don't want to be that cheater guy.
I've been in some Christian support groups in the past for porn and there were guys in there for infidelity, and now that I know what I know, I can't help but to think some of those guys could be poly and not know it.

there's nothing scary about poly or the poly community, and I wish my wife could see that.

when a person gets on a journey of self discovery like you are doing, if you determine you are poly or have that mindset then you can claim it if you want.
I do bring up my poly journey with my wife and at first it caused fights and it was rough. then as time went on she has softened some, not by badgering but casually discussing what im learning about myself. my wife says that shes thankful that im honest with her and that i havent cheated. i even did the work in myself to be ok with her having a boyfriend, but she wants no part of that and was hurt by the suggestion. interestingly today, she will sometimes joke casually about some guy or something with me related to a poly discussion. she has also said that she's ok with me being friends with some of her lady friends, and that looks like hanging out and going to lunch with them without her. im respectful to them, i enjoy their company but even if she gave me the "joyful yes" green light, I wouldn't be interested in any of them as a poly secondary. she doesnt seem to care today that im on the poly forums, Tho in the beginning it was a big deal for her.

even though I'm poly I won't divorce her, ever.

I'm definitely part of this community, and for me coming here and to the other pages, is an outlet for me to connect and do something with my poly interest, even if its just encouraging someone else that day.

keep on your journey, keep hanging around the forums, and there are other poly groups on FB as well.

3908
 
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Token2

Member
Hmmm is it worth it?

I'm one of those people who opened up a relationship sexually because I was likely to cheat. It was a hard conversation to have but totally worth the difficult terrain.

Opening up to poly has been a different journey and I'm still questioning if it's worth it but I've also hooked up with someone who dips into emotional unavailability because they like me, but they, at the end of the day want to jump on the relationship escalator, and I can't/won't/don't...

So when it's felt good and loving it's been amazing but it's also full of missed moments and all the ups and downs of relationships and sometimes because everything is so good with my long-term nesting partner, and I can tap into sexual non-monogamy whenever I want I question if polyamory is worth the emotional bumps.

But I guess I'll find that out once I find myself in a relationship where the love flows both ways without any walls up.
 
YES worth it, if it's something you know you really want and are willing to work (i.e. communicate and listen) for. That's not to say you won't have rough patches, and depending on who you and your partner are it will take time for things to not feel so dramatic as far as jealousy, etc. I say it was worth it because I feel as if I can orient myself and my body with autonomy in my life. It has been really healthy for me and my husbands relationship for me to have something outside of just us. I reiterate that it can be a lot of work tho (this is from a "hinge" perspective, but I imagine you adding anyone to your relationship would be similar), but some of that work for me has been personal and really just shit I needed to figure out regardless.
 

Tinwen

Well-known member
I'm having trouble deciding if I should continue the conversation I mean, is polyamory really worth it? I don't want to possibly ruin this amazing relationship that I could see lasting for life just to have more life experiences.
People differ on this point. Is it worth it to YOU?

Is it worth the risk, that you may have to part ways with you wife, and start entirely new relationships from scratch? Plus, what is your assessment of that risk? Is it worth an added risk of 10% ? What about 50% ? (Also consider your current divorce risk is also not zero... if you're gonna get resentful in monogamy, that might be a factor.)

What about the work that needs to be put into rebuilding the relationship from scratch based on new assuptions? Is it worth that?

Is it worth the added work on communicating scheduling? Is it worth the added complexity of figuring out comfortable life and living arrangement for multiple partners? (eg. What if you as a family need to move, is it woth the breaups or long-distance relationships? or the unwillingness to move?)

Is it worth the STI risks and just general germs transfer?

Etc. etc. Read around and see the stories.

You ready to deal with that?
 

consciousspirit

New member
Worried that any further discussions will basically be me trying to convince her to open the relationship or have an encounter, and It feels like that convincing would be manipulation on my part.
I'm having trouble deciding if I should continue the conversation I mean, is polyamory really worth it? I don't want to possibly ruin this amazing relationship that I could see lasting for life just to have more life experiences.
Hi Faerum,

I can't really speak to all that you wrote about but for the sake of opening up perspective...
What I have observed and experienced is that sometimes it takes a while for someone to get used to a new idea. What might shock or offend them today, may be of interest to them at a different time. I'm not saying this will happen with your partner. What I am saying is that sometimes we need more time, more exposure to new ideas, especially ones that challenge societal norms.

For myself, even though I feel like poly matches the shape of my heart, I wasn't always crazy about the idea of adding an additional person into the mix. There are a lot of variables to consider. It isn't always as simple as add a new person and everything works perfectly. There are individual feelings involved. We are complex beings.
I don't know your person, but maybe they are feeling it is too much to process. There may be layers of feelings that they may not know how to handle. This is new, even if you have discussed it for a while, that doesn't mean they have adjusted fully or sometimes at all.

I wish you well on your journey to finding what works for you and makes you feel happy :)
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re:
"What I have observed and experienced is that sometimes it takes a while for someone to get used to a new idea. What might shock or offend them today, may be of interest to them at a different time."

This! Very much this!
 

AcreoCrimsonstar

New member
If you value your marriage over your desire to explore, then its not worth it.

On the other hand, if you feel you're not being true to yourself by NOT exploring.... this would be something you should ask yourself, "Am I happy with this one person for the rest of my life, and thats it?"

What was the catalyst for your relationship that lead you to opening up with a more serious conversation? When you got mixed responses did you keep pushing it, wait for years, just drop it and forget about it?

This is an interesting question.
For me, the catalyst was my Ex-wife's and My own mental struggles back in 2019 that lead to the cracking of the foundation of our marriage.

We were no longer making love, it went from 3 times a year to like once a year. I remember the one time we did it in 2019 and that because we returned home from a Halloween party after drinking. The next morning we awoke and she said "we shouldn't have to be drunk in order to have sex." I agreed but all the problems we had remained and never fully got repaired or healed. We fell out of love with each other.

Long story short, I returned to the internet after 7 years of being away from the social side of it. Discord allowed me to reconnect with my social side, and I made many online friends and even delved back into the Furry fandom. Also my sexuality seemed to resurface, and I began to have feelings for another. Ex straight up asked one October afternoon "are you talking to someone else?" as if she could Jedi mind trick her way into my psyche... she did. I told her the truth and she wasnt mad at that time but hung it over my head for the rest of the time we were together. She would bring up polyamory in ways that would make it seem like she supports it. She loved the idea in stories or shows and movies, but I straight up asked her in 2020, "do you wanna find someone to have with us?" and she said No, despite everything she said before. Like little clues or hints. In my finite experience, Monogamous people wanna be put first. Always. And if someone cant do that for them, its not gonna turn out well for the relationship.

So weigh this carefully, and approach her with the conversation part 2, only if you cannot shake the desire or need to explore. Otherwise, shake it. Feed your desires into the love life you already have.
 
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