Is she actually poly

W

Waylynn

New member
Hey there,

So here is the story. I started to see one of my coworkers, and it was going incredibly well. I thought I finally found a girl that won’t use me. Two weeks into it, when I’m talking to her outside of her car, I see on her phone that she’s sending a certain photo to another guy. This then prompts me to ask “am I the other guy” which she then says that I need to search up polyamory. However i’m already somewhat familiar with the term. But I need another opinion. I thought that with polyamory, you are honest from the get go, no lying, just straight honest. So why wouldn’t she tell me from the start that she is seeing this other guy rather than two weeks into it when i’m already emotionally invested now?

Secondly, I have later asked her again about her and this other guy and she claims they aren’t even seeing each other. So at his point i’m confused since they always go out and do whatever with each other.

My third and final point is, she continuously posts about how she is single. If she is poly and in serious relationships, I feel like she wouldn’t be posting that. Or am I in the wrong? I have never been in a poly relationship and I’m quite new to this so I need advice on this...

I’m not trying to be offensive, I just need insight because I have very strong feelings for this girl, but I’m afraid that I’m going to get my heart stomped on again.

From this story, is she actually Poly? Or is she just using this term to justify what she is doing?
 
It's hard to answer your question with a flat out yes or no.

As powerpuffgirl says, the woman might be playing games. The fact that she says she's seeing this other guy and then says she isn't kind of points to this probability.

However, different people have different levels of "honesty." Personally, I think it's dishonest not to tell someone up front that I have other partners, and if someone else didn't tell me that they did, I would consider it dishonest. But to some people, it's more of a "need to know" thing. She didn't lie; she didn't tell you she *didn't* have other partners. She just didn't tell you she did, and that might be because she's hiding it, or it might be because she didn't feel you and she had reached a point where it was necessary information for you.

On the other hand, sending "a certain photo" to this other guy doesn't necessarily mean they're seeing each other. Did you actually *ask* her if she's in a relationship with him, and hear her say "yes, we are in a relationship"? Or did you make that assumption based on the picture, and then when you asked, she said no? Going out and "doing whatever" with someone also doesn't automatically equal a relationship. Plenty of people have friends they spend a lot of time with, and sometimes that friendship includes happy naked fun times, but they don't consider it a relationship and don't consider it "seeing each other." They consider it a friendship that happens to include happy naked fun times, a/k/a "friends with benefits." If she were spending a lot of time with a woman "going out and doing whatever", would you also consider that as a relationship rather than a friendship?

As for calling herself single, I know a number of poly people who consider themselves single because they are not married and don't live with a partner, and are therefore available for any type of relationship including one that leads to marriage/cohabitation. They might have several partners with whom they're in relationships, and might have strong commitments with some or all of those partners, but use "single" to mean "unmarried and unentangled (in the sense of not having legal, financial, housing, etc. entanglements as one would in marriage). So I wouldn't consider that dishonest unless she's obviously using it to *hide* the fact that she has relationships going on.

And finally, even if she is being dishonest with you, that doesn't mean she isn't poly. It might mean she isn't going about it in an ethical way, but that doesn't mean she isn't poly at all, just that she needs to work on the "ethical" part of ethical nonmonogamy.
 
It's hard to tell. But if you are not getting the honesty/forthrightness you prefer and are worried about getting hurt? You can directly ask her if she's willing to meet that need and be more up front with you. And if she doesn't? You could decide to end it with her.

Or don't bother asking her and just end it with her sooner rather than later.

2 weeks of dating is not a long investment.

This then prompts me to ask “am I the other guy” which she then says that I need to search up polyamory.
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I don't care for how she said that. I don't like other people telling me what I need.

I rather hear "I am polyamorous. I don't have any steady partners, so I consider myself single. Right now I'm just dating. I enjoy dating you. I also date him."

That would be more up front to me. Or if she's feeling you out because she doesn't know how you'd respond she could say "Do you know the word 'polyamory?' What do you think of that?"

I thought that with polyamory, you are honest from the get go, no lying, just straight honest. So why wouldn’t she tell me from the start that she is seeing this other guy rather than two weeks into it when i’m already emotionally invested now?
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I think it is better to be up honest and front. 2 weeks in isn't all that long though. Some people "out" themselves as poly slower. They may have been burned outing themselves as poly in the past and are trying to see what kind of person you will be first.

If you are already familiar with the term, isn't it better for you to ask your dating potentials how they handle their romances? YOU could bring it up. You don't have to wait on them. You could ask if they like mono, poly, or something else?

It's part of the "getting to know you" thing in the early part of dating. Sort out who is compatible and who is not.

I assume you know what relationship models YOU are/are not up for.

Secondly, I have later asked her again about her and this other guy and she claims they aren’t even seeing each other. So at his point i’m confused since they always go out and do whatever with each other.
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If you are confused about how she uses words, ask her what she means. "So... he's like a booty call or FWB then?"

Ask clarifying question so you can un-confuse.

My third and final point is, she continuously posts about how she is single.
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What's wrong with her being single? Can't she date and play the field a bit? It's not like she's promised to go steady with you. Or you her.

I don't think the problem is her single-ness. It's how you and her communicate.

I’m not trying to be offensive, I just need insight because I have very strong feelings for this girl, but I’m afraid that I’m going to get my heart stomped on again.
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Whatever the woman is doing... playing games or just being slow to share about herself?

If this happens a lot? You getting used/your heart stomped? I think you could review review how you date, what personal standards you have for vetting dating potentials, and what your personal boundaries are. I think you could try not get attached so hard so fast too.

See if being more picky/selective when dating helps reduce that risk some. I don't think it's ever ZERO -- there are ugh people in the world who take advantage of others. But perhaps reduce the risk.

From this story, is she actually Poly? Or is she just using this term to justify what she is doing?
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Hard to tell. It is possible. There are people who try to use the poly brush to "whitewash" cheating. Does it matter?

Again... if YOU don't think you are getting enough honesty/forthrightness here? And she continues to be evasive even when you ask her things directly? You don't feel comfortable participating here? You can choose to stop participating. End it sooner rather than later because YOU aren't getting what you need in the way you prefer it.

Not compatible for long term dating.

Galagirl
 
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KC43 said:
As powerpuffgirl says, the woman might be playing games... Personally, I think it's dishonest not to tell someone up front that I have other partners.
But... She didn't lie; she didn't tell you she *didn't* have other partners.

sending "a certain photo" to this other guy doesn't necessarily mean they're seeing each other. Did you actually *ask* her if she's in a relationship with him, and hear her say "yes, we are in a relationship"?

Going out and "doing whatever" with someone also doesn't automatically equal a relationship. Plenty of people have friends they spend a lot of time with, and sometimes that friendship includes happy naked fun times... a/k/a "friends with benefits."

As for calling herself single, I know a number of poly people who consider themselves single because they are not married and don't live with a partner, and are therefore available for any type of relationship.
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Basically, everything KC43 said above.

In my view, it is unethical and irresponsible to begin a relationship with someone new and NOT tell them up-front that you're also seeing other people, even if it's "just" a Friends With Benefits situation.

It's true that this woman might genuinely consider herself "single" - whether or not she's seeing you and/or anyone else. If you haven't discussed the terms of your relationship in detail or come to any exclusivity agreement, she may well consider herself a free agent; ethically able to date any number of people on a casual basis.

She may or may not be "poly", but I can see how you'd have concerns she is using the label to get around any suggestion of lying, cheating or the like.

For example, when my male partner Jester and I first started talking, he described himself as single. I knew he'd been non-monogamous in the past, but coming from a strictly monogamous background myself, I assumed that meant he wasn't "seeing" or sleeping with anybody at all at that particular point.

Unfortunately, he neglected to mention that he was involved in a FWB situation with a mutual friend, which, when it came to light, caused a lot of needless angst and friction between all of us.

This woman could be on the level, Waylynn, which is why she told you to google polyamory - presumably as a way to introduce you to a relationship style she probably thought you'd be unfamiliar with. Perhaps she wasn't sure where the thing with you would go - after all, it's only been two weeks - and didn't want to ruin things before they'd begun by freaking you out.

Now, I'm not suggesting that the way she went about this was either ethical or wise... but I can't see that you'll ever know unless/until you ASK her directly what her deal is. I'd have that discussion sooner rather than later.
 
Hello Waylynn,

Some poly people would wait two weeks, they would figure there's no need to bring it up until it's clear that the new relationship is going somewhere. I personally recommend "outing yourself" on the first two or three dates. So, this coworker of yours, is kind of in the "gray area" as far as how long to wait before telling you. But the question is, was she *ever* going to tell you, or was she only admitting it because you discovered it. If so, then I would consider that dishonest.

You said that she and this other guy always go out and do whatever with each other. How do you know that? Did she tell you that? You're not just assuming that, are you, like based on the photo she sent to the other guy. She apparently considers herself to be single. How do you feel about that? Are you okay with dating her, knowing that she is also dating this other guy, or even guys? How much do you know about her so far? How much has she told you?

One thing for you to consider right now is, are you willing to date a poly woman? Are you willing to date a woman who, you know, is dating at least one other man? Is open/poly something you would consider? You do not have to answer yes. Being monogamous is okay (even on a poly website). Also you seem to be feeling some uncertainty about whether she is being honest with you. Tell her that you need her to be completely honest.

I can't tell whether she is using "poly" as an excuse. The way she put it, like *you* need to read up on poly, seems like she is attempting to shift blame for something she was caught doing. Hopefully it doesn't just seem that way.

Hopefully you can work it out with her.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for the advice

Thank you everyone for giving me some advice and getting me to ask myself some important questions. I will respond more thoroughly later once I have figured out myself. I have a lot to think about.

-Waylynn
 
Waylynn said:
is she actually Poly?
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In my estimate? Probably not. It's not uncommon for people to smokescreen rude behavior as "poly," & maybe they do indeed have that poor a grasp of the concept.

However, there are plenty of people hereabouts who will defend her rights to "practice poly" in whatever manner she sees fit. Disagreeing might result in the poster being warned, suspended, even banned from the site.

In your case, I don't see why you're concerned. She's a flake, poly or not, & doesn't seem into you anyway.
 
You said "seeing each other" for two weeks. That's not the same as making an official commitment to "be in a relationship." There's this thing people do called "dating." There's no obligation to disclose things about your life that are potentially professionally or socially harmful to other people on the first few dates.

Two weeks is nothing. How does she know she can trust you not to out her publicly by disclosing right away? She disclosed as soon as it came up and became relevant.

Have you actually discussed the status and labels of your relationship? Or is it that you have been going on dates and your description of "serious relationship" is more a reflection of your own strong feelings towards her than an official, mutually agreed upon relationship status?

Sounds like her understanding of your relationship status is clearly expressed in her profile.
 
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My ethical code states that I will tell someone before we become intimate, unless it is understood the intimacy is not going to lead to a serious relationship. Being currently single, I feel less pressure to declare my polyness as quickly as when I had a nesting partner. Not everyone dates one person at a time. At some point there may be talk of exclusivity. I usually let my feelings on that be known before it comes up.
 
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