There are some unique challenges to triad relationships and no guidebooks… My partners K and M were in a mono relationship for 5 years before bringing me in a matter of months ago (though I was their friend for much longer). Without going into details, old arguments between them sometimes flare up while I’m present. They’ve assured me it’s not brought on by anything I’ve done wrong. How I’ve handled it thus far is to sit in on the argument unless they specifically go to talk alone, just there to listen and not try to mediate, since I don’t have the full 5-year context and it’s between the two of them. I hear them out and offer emotional support. It doesn’t directly involve me, but it does obviously affect me, so I’m unsure what my responsibility is here and what’s overstepping. I’m not their therapist and know I can’t be, but maybe having a third, fresh perspective could be the nudge they need to finally put these issues to bed. What experiences do y’all have with situations like this, and how do you handle it? Should I try to help them work it out or stay out of it?
Is their fight my business?
- Thread starter RoseFae
- Start date
I could be wrong in my impression...
I wonder why you are worried about you overstepping their boundaries and being all up in their biz? Rather than calling them out on THEM overstepping YOUR boundaries because they fight in front of you when it's supposed to be trio time?
To me that is kinda bad manners if it is happening during a group hang out time or during trio date.
If it were me in those shoes? I'd stay out of it. (Their couple stuff) is not my responsibility. And for me to butt in uninvited is overstepping. And even if they DO invite me? I could say "No, thanks." I am not their free therapist and I do not want to get sucked into a tug-o-war thing.
If they are MAKING it be my business because they just dump their couple problems out right there in front of me?
I get that it's their argument or issue, but their BEHAVIOR around it is affecting me.
I'd call them on it and opt out. I'd say "Excuse me. This seems to be going into things that are just between you two.
- If this needs to be addressed right now, we can cut trio time short. I could give you the room so you have privacy.
- If this does not need to be addressed now, we could get back to trio time as planned.
I don't want to hear about their unresolved long, windy thing. Because it is not my problem. So either way? I solved it for ME.
- End the trio date early?
- I don't have to listen to this. I can go home and do something more fun than that.
- They realize they are showing up to a trio date and behaving poorly and straighten up?
- I don't have to listen to this. The trio date can continue.
If this is chronic? I would tell them I prefer to date them each separately until they solve their issues and can behave better on trio dates.
Cuz who wants to go on meh trio dates?
You can do that IF you can maintain your boundaries. And don't let them suck you into a tug-o-war thing.
I would rather not. Because it sucks to hear your partner complain about your other partner. Not great emotional boundaries.
It's a lot easier to say "I see you are upset. I'm sorry about that. I suggest to talk to them directly to solve it, or go vent to someone else. It cannot be me because I'm not an impartial observer. I am part of this system. If it has been going on a long time unsolved? Maybe it's time to seek professional help."
Not my job to solve their couple issues. It IS my job to maintain my own personal boundaries.
One could kvetch out and comfort in. Since you are IN the system? Could ask them not to kvetch at you about the other one, or do their couple arguments/fussing in front of you.
You get to pick what you will and will not put up with in your relationships.
Galagirl
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Hi RoseFae,
You're probably already doing all that is appropriate. You hear them out and offer emotional support. You sit in on the argument unless they specifically go to talk alone, just there to listen and not try to mediate. This is the most you should do. You should not offer your perspective unless it is very neutral, things will get overly complicated if you side with M or K. What really would be the ideal solution here, is for M and K to go see a couple's counselor. They need expert advice from an uninvolved third party. That's how I see it anyway.
Regards,
Kevin T.
You're probably already doing all that is appropriate. You hear them out and offer emotional support. You sit in on the argument unless they specifically go to talk alone, just there to listen and not try to mediate. This is the most you should do. You should not offer your perspective unless it is very neutral, things will get overly complicated if you side with M or K. What really would be the ideal solution here, is for M and K to go see a couple's counselor. They need expert advice from an uninvolved third party. That's how I see it anyway.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Leander
Member
Nothing new to add except general agreement with the sentiments here. I think I would kindly and politely ask to go for a walk or otherwise sit out such arguments because they aren't about me, even if my presence heightens the tension somehow. Its between them until its clearly not, i.e. they point to something you've done that is actually part of the conflict.
Marcus
Well-known member
All depends on what kind of association you want to build with them. If you weren't having sex with either of them, how would you handle the situation? Are you the type of person to inject themselves into the disagreements of roommates? If so, how has that worked out in the past?
Are you cool with getting further encumbered with a pair of people who have ongoing frustration with each other that displays itself in the form of arguments? For me, this is the more relevant part of the conversation. Having roommates that argue would be a real no-no for me; I don't want that kind of drama in my life.
I would leave the room. And if these fights continue to happen often, I would ask them if they would consider couples therapy. You should not speak up to offer a "fresh third perspective" if these are recurring issues of 5 years duration. If you feel quite uncomfortable with these frequent arguments, reconsider the nature of your relationship.
Have they "brought you in" to a romantic association with them, or do you actually live there? Do you each have your own bedroom? Triads are difficult to manage, but it helps greatly if each person has their own private space to retreat to, to refresh, sleep alone, pursue hobbies, etc. Or in this case, to avoid the cringe of watching a couple argue about the same old things.