Is there any benefit?
- Thread starter dub1h
- Start date
MonoVCPHG
New member
Well, if you are mono, and have time-consuming hobbies that would normally annoy a mono partner, having someone with more partners could be a benefit.
Just because you are mono doesn't mean you want a full-time partner or serious commitment. That might be a benefit to a casual poly relationship. In fact, it could be a safety mechanism to avoid normal monogamous commitment things like marriage or family functions.
If you question your own motives for being mono (conditioning or wiring), having a poly relationship could force you to look very deeply into yourself.
Do I think it is recommended or wise to actively seek out a relationship with a poly person if you are mono? Definitely not. But I don't think it is wise for a poly person to seek out a mono partner, either.
For me, personally, there is only one advantage, and her name is Redpepper.
D
Deleted member 11452
Guest
I agree completely with MonoVCPHG. But I do think that if you're interested in possibly, in the future, having a poly relationship, or want to explore it, it could help. You might want to simply look into it more. But if you truly just want a mono relationship, and want someone "to have eyes for only you," then you shouldn't pursue this person.
redpepper
Active member
Fuck if I know. Heh. 
Just kidding, kind of. If you're mono, I really see no advantage. I suppose if you really love the person, and can occupy your time with other pursuits, then why not? I really find I gain more from the arrangement I'm in, at least, most of the time. Then again, we arranged it like that. No one negotiated all this for us.
Just kidding, kind of. If you're mono, I really see no advantage. I suppose if you really love the person, and can occupy your time with other pursuits, then why not? I really find I gain more from the arrangement I'm in, at least, most of the time. Then again, we arranged it like that. No one negotiated all this for us.
dub1h
New member
My question comes up because of a recent poly fiasco (failure?).
I think that when you break poly down, the root is in the open communication and honesty, with a willingness to compromise so that everyone is happy. I think only emotionally distant people could ever have a poly relationship where there are no negative emotions such as jealousy or feeling left out. The relationship part comes into play when everyone is trying to handle those emotions and get back to an even keel, right?
Well, I think I am kind of mono, in a way. When I meet a girl I really like, I am only interested in them. The other people just don't seem to interest me as much, because my time is for the girl I am already with. The rest of the time, I spend mostly alone, because I'm sort of like that to begin with.
But I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love. It's like being in love just staring into someone's eyes and resisting the urge to walk up and hug them tightly, never letting go. It's kind of good to live that way, because a lot of times, things don't last forever, people move, life happens, especially at a young age (early 20s, college-age).
But I think that the open communication is what I see most important in a relationship.
I suppose there may not be an advantage in dating a girl who is herself poly, but there is no harm as long as long I have my short list of needs fulfilled?
Sorry, this is all kind of a learning experience about myself. I've learned a lot about what I really want in a relationship ever since my breakup. Poly fails when there are a lot of people thrown into the fray with zero warning, when everyone has different expectations.
I think that when you break poly down, the root is in the open communication and honesty, with a willingness to compromise so that everyone is happy. I think only emotionally distant people could ever have a poly relationship where there are no negative emotions such as jealousy or feeling left out. The relationship part comes into play when everyone is trying to handle those emotions and get back to an even keel, right?
Well, I think I am kind of mono, in a way. When I meet a girl I really like, I am only interested in them. The other people just don't seem to interest me as much, because my time is for the girl I am already with. The rest of the time, I spend mostly alone, because I'm sort of like that to begin with.
But I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love. It's like being in love just staring into someone's eyes and resisting the urge to walk up and hug them tightly, never letting go. It's kind of good to live that way, because a lot of times, things don't last forever, people move, life happens, especially at a young age (early 20s, college-age).
But I think that the open communication is what I see most important in a relationship.
I suppose there may not be an advantage in dating a girl who is herself poly, but there is no harm as long as long I have my short list of needs fulfilled?
Sorry, this is all kind of a learning experience about myself. I've learned a lot about what I really want in a relationship ever since my breakup. Poly fails when there are a lot of people thrown into the fray with zero warning, when everyone has different expectations.
Somegeezer
New member
It seems to me that you could really help yourself understand polyamory by reading a lot more on the forum. You have this skewed idea of what it really is.
IndieSolo
Active member
Huh? What do you mean by that? I wonder, also, if you really understand polyamory.
dub1h
New member
I guess what I meant by detachment was that your relationship has to be a lot more fluid. You have to be ready to adapt and compromise with whatever comes up. E.g., your partner might get invited by their other for a weekend trip. You may have wanted to spend time with them that weekend, but have to compromise, since the trip can only be taken on those days.
Has my perception of polyamory been jaded? Did my ex hurt me with how she went about it? Or am I resistant? Was everything under normal conditions, and I just freaked out?
Has my perception of polyamory been jaded? Did my ex hurt me with how she went about it? Or am I resistant? Was everything under normal conditions, and I just freaked out?
TruckerPete
New member
What happened?
SNeacail
New member
Sounds like it.
Life is full of compromises. I am NOT in a poly relationship and it feels like we are in constant negotiations. I have 2 kids, both heavily involved in activities, and my husband has his own activities. There are big blow-out fights on occasion, because something was not put on the calendar, or the calendar was not checked prior to committing to something else. Sometimes I think my husband's activities qualify as a second family.
Let me tell you, COMMUNICATION is absolute key in any partnership, whether it's keeping your partner informed of schedules, situations and activities, or letting your partner know your needs.
For example: my husband is super involved in Boy Scouts, so if I just told him that I want to go camping, he would say, "OK, the next trip is in 2 weeks, join us." I have to be specific, and say, "I want to go camping with just our immediate family, just the 4 of us, no scouts, no other families." (He has been know to invite others without discussing it with me.)
That would depend on the monogamous person, the polyamorous person, and the situation. There is no one answer. Not all monogamists are going to be hit with the same jealousy issues, and even polyamorous folks face jealousy sometimes. I do think that life situations (age, health, work, family, religion, etc.) play an enormous role in one's ability to accept a polyamorous partner, or not.
dub1h
New member
tl;dr The girl started dating another guy early in our relationship, without prior warning. She already had feelings developing by the time I found out. I didn't feel like I was actually thought about when she was planning her time with the two of us. I felt like I was being phased out. Jealousy/anger between the two males, etc., etc... Eventually, I reached the breaking point, and had to leave her, due to lack of positive direction as a couple (and as a group-- I wanted all three of us to be okay with being involved in each others' lives).
--
I started dating a girl, having received warning that she was polyamorous. I have never been in a real poly relationship, but I had done reading about it. I believe I was thinking, "Okay, well, when she starts to feel like exploring additional relationships, it'll be a while away, and we will work through it."
It was about 2 months into the relationship that we started seeing each other a lot more and things got more serious. Just a few weeks later, I was asking her about her plans, and she kind of reluctantly told me about the other guy she was seeing. She assured me that I was still her favorite, and we were "together," and she was "just dating" him right now. I felt safe, like I was a primary partner, I guess.
But there was some great dissonance between all of us. Jealousy was popping up all the time for me. She was spending more time with him than with me, I felt. I tried to express my feelings. I said I felt like the relationship was losing direction, and it hurt to not feel like we were growing positively. I wanted to talk openly, but she wasn't able to do that with the other guy. He was more against poly than I was. I was reading and trying to get some help, but he wanted to just bottle up the jealousy so he could enjoy the dates they would go on.
I mean, I guess it worked out. They are still together.
But I tried to find solutions through talking, and she was willing to talk to me about all of it, but there was no positive growth. Each day I'd have more shit to vent out, and that's all I could do to keep sane. Emotions just grew out of control each day stronger than the previous. I had to break up with her about 2 weeks into this ordeal.
I just felt like I was thrown into a difficult situation, and the only way to be comfortable was to change everything internally. I had to adapt 100% to quell my jealousy and feelings of indignation. I felt like she was there for me, but only as a person to talk to. Is it unfair to need to be met halfway?
The nail in the coffin was when they went to a concert, had fun, and didn't talk about the things that were bothering me so much. It made me feel like my hurt was not an issue to her anymore, and she wanted to go off and have fun with him instead. She justified this by saying "There's not a best time, but there definitely is a worst time." She felt she would ruin the concert, waste his money, and hurt him, if she brought up something about the relationship not working out. I guess she would have brought it up if she did in fact feel that way, huh?
Sorry for the vent, but this just kind of solidified why I broke up with her. Lately I have been imagining one day going back to her and trying to work things out, but now I have to once again question whether that is even in my best interest.
Last edited:
TruckerPete
New member
Don't worry
That was poly done very poorly. She didn't even tell you about the other guy from the get-go. Ideally, you two would also have had a more stable relationship (i.e., longer than two months of dating) before she even thought about bringing someone else in.
There is a good saying for poly relationships: "Go at the pace of the one struggling the most." It doesn't sound to me like this was even considered by her.
You read, tried to work things out, asked for open and honest communication, and wanted to know your metamour. It sounds like you were doing everything you could.
ETA: I get huge warning bells when I hear about a "poly" person telling a partner that they're the favourite. You have to wonder what she's saying to the other guy, whom she presumably also cares for.
That was poly done very poorly. She didn't even tell you about the other guy from the get-go. Ideally, you two would also have had a more stable relationship (i.e., longer than two months of dating) before she even thought about bringing someone else in.
There is a good saying for poly relationships: "Go at the pace of the one struggling the most." It doesn't sound to me like this was even considered by her.
You read, tried to work things out, asked for open and honest communication, and wanted to know your metamour. It sounds like you were doing everything you could.
ETA: I get huge warning bells when I hear about a "poly" person telling a partner that they're the favourite. You have to wonder what she's saying to the other guy, whom she presumably also cares for.
You say this like it's a bad thing. Figuring out a way to have everyone be happy isn't a bad thing.
Way wayyyyyy in out left field. Poly people feel negative and positive emotions. Emotionally distant does not even begin to describe me or my lovers, or anyone I know in poly. If anything, we are more in tune with our emotions.
What requires more distance, a married couple together 15 years and barely enjoying each others company... but "dealing" with that disconnect by remaining distant, or someone with multiple lovers, with multiple potentially-diverging personalities?
I would think poly is less emotionally distant, even at a cursory glance.
You just described me. I am not a freely-available polyamorous person.
I get those urges constantly. I am far from detached from love. Try not to project how you feel in poly into how it could be for others, please.
There are people who have expectations that aren't flexible enough, yet. But people can walk in with different expectations and work through the relationship issues. Sometimes I think there is some mysterious ease-of-use clause in poly. If it doesn't work, move on. Relationships take work, and poly is no exception.
redpepper
Active member
I wonder this too, sometimes. I wonder if people at a younger age are doing what I used to call dating in my early 20s. I see no difference, really. I used to date people, and not tell the people I was dating that I was seeing others. To me, that isn't poly. Poly is consensual non monogamy. Anything else to me is just dating. All fine and good, but I wonder why the change in name these days? It's more popular? Indicates something that either you aren't or are working on? Interesting question, thread-worthy, perhaps.
I love that you were warned. Ha!
Why do people do that?! GAWD! 'Fessing up, and then saying, "I like you better" is just bullshit. Sorry, I just would have a hard time believing that myself. If I am better, then why didn't you respect me enough to tell me what was going on for you? Hmm...?