Is this a poly relationship?

J

jess82

New member
Hi, I'm Jess. 32 & lesbian. New here & lots of questions!

I met this girl who is married & bisexual. Her husband knows she's bi & supports her having a girlfriend. She's dated females during their marriage. Anyways, this girl & I have become involved sexually. Her husband knows about me. This is only a week old involvement & I haven't met the husband yet.

My question is, is this a poly relationship I've gotten into? How do I cope with jealously? Do I meet the husband? I'm sorry I'm completely new to this whole thing.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
 
Welcome! This is a great place to ask questions, and there are so many people here with great and varied experiences to offer different perspectives.

It could be poly, or it could just be a type of swinging. Poly would mean the your new lady is free to develop emotional attachments, whereas swinging generally means just sex. So, without knowing more, it's hard to say.

As for meeting the husband, that is totally up to you. There is no requirement in poly that you meet your metamours. Some people do, some people don't. It's helpful if you can at least be civil and cordial, because it will be helpful with scheduling dates and the like.

As a warning, because I've been in your shoes, have you talked about whether your new lady is "allowed" to have an actual relationship, or just sex? And, are you expected to become involved with the husband (as unfortunate as it is, this is often an unstated eventual expectation). If they practice poly, is it "hierarchical," and what does that mean to them? And, definitely ask about "veto" power (do a site search here for more info on that).

In terms of jealousy, everyone deals with it in different ways. Jealousy is natural, but is a combination different emotions. Fear is the most prevalent and direct cause, so try to find out what you are scared of or worried about when jealousy stirkes. Is it that your lover may leave you? That you feel less important? Etc.

Another thing that helps with jealousy is to do other things that you find enjoyable while your lover isn't with you. Live your life, date others, etc.
 
Thank you

I don't have to meet the husband? She and I are sexually and romantically involved. She is free to have sex and have a relationship with her husband. I don't really like it but I'm learning to understand this relationship. I do not want to become involved with the husband sexually or romantically.
 
I am married and bi. My husband has known about and supported my bisexuality throughout the entire course of our (22+ year) relationship. I have dated and been sexually involved with women throughout our time together.

I suggest you clarify with your new interest exactly what are her agreements with her husband. For us - my relationships with any woman I was interested in could take whatever shape it wanted as long as that didn't require any change in my relationshi8p with my MrS. She could meet him or not...she just couldn't "require" that I break-up with him in order to be with her. If she should happen to be interested in a relationship (sexual, romantic or otherwise)...fine, but NOT expected.

As to how to cope with jealousy...hmmm, sorry, no surefire answers. This is generally only a fleeting problem for me..."cured" by my assurance that my loves sincerely LOVE me for myself, NOT because of how I compare to "others".
 
If you have not met all parties involved and went through the rules of the relationship, then it is not Poly.
You're just a side chick.​
 
aLABiMCpl said:
If you have not met all parties involved and went through the rules of the relationship, then it is not Poly.
You're just a side chick.​
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While there is the possibility that this is a situation where you are just seen as a "little bit on the side," the reasons stated in this quote would not necessarily be concrete proof of that.

Poly is simply the act of having multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. There are no rules required, though a lot of poly people make up all kinds of rules for their partners to follow, out of fear or a need to feel in control. Nor is there a poly rule book that decrees all metamours must meet each other. A polite and respectful acknowledgement is all that is necessary, though it may be a good idea to have some kind of contact with the husband just to confirm that everything is open and above board, and that he does indeed consent to being in a poly arrangement.

You should also be aware of her (and his) safer sex practices and make sure they align with what you need to feel okay about having sex with her. As far as anything else, like managing jealousy, it's only been a week! You are just getting to know each other. If you are a possessive or insecure person, or think you would feel jealous at this early stage of the game, then maybe you need to slow down emotionally. Remain open to possibilities if you meet someone else. That is dating. So far, it's just been some sex between you and her - it isn't a relationship yet.
 
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Jess, you do not have to meet her husband. You get to determine your boundaries in relationships. But, understand that she may have to introduce you to him if she's to stay in your relationship. This may be one of their "rules." If that is the case, you'll have to decide whether your boundary on this is firm or not.

I've been the single lesbian (I identified as a lesbian for a very long time, and am really just not that into guys, but there are some rare exceptions, so I am more "bi"), and there are some things I will strongly recommend:

Ask these questions NOW, and ask very, very directly:

1. Are ever expected to interact sexually with her husband? While this is often not stated up front, and is often "glossed over," in 80% of the cases I and my other bi/lesbian friends have encountered when dating women in a LTR with a guy, it's something that is going to be expected at some point, even if it's "he just wants to watch." I am NOT cool with that, and it's a deal-breaker for me. Clearly, you'll have your own thoughts on this, and your lady may be in one of the smaller percentage of couples that is actually fine with the woman dating independently.

2. Does the husband has to "approve" of you, and also if he has the power to "veto" your relationship? I highly recommend you do a site search on "veto power," and read up a bit on what that means, especially if your new lady says that yes, the hubby has the power to approve or disapprove your relationship. Veto power may not matter to you, and you may be fine with it (assuming it exists in their relationship, of course--otherwise, it's a moot point), but it's good to know what it can mean in terms of your emotional vulnerability.

3. What level of relationship is your new lady expecting/interested in having with you, and are you both free to develop emotional feelings naturally and organically? Some women are bisexuxal, but not biamorous, meaning the like the girl-on-girl, but don't necessarily fall in love with women. This is important to know going in, especially if you prefer romantic relationships to those that are primarily sexual.

4. Do you have to be "discreet?" Again, this is a deal-breaker for me, but it may not be for you. I don't like feeling like a dirty secret. I don't expect to meet family and friends right away or anything, but I am not okay with never going out to a movie and holding hands, etc. You get to determine your level of comfort with this, of course, but often the married couple's demands for discretion become a problem over time for the metamours. Better to know ahead of time, and adjust expectations accordingly.

5. Will she be sharing the graphic details of your sex life with her husband? If you don't care if she does this, then don't ask. I mention it because, again, I've found that about 80% of the time the female outside the marriage gets used as a "marital aid," kind of like the couple's very own lesbian porn channel. Again, I am not okay with this (if I am not fucking someone, they don't get the details of my sex life); but, for some people, it's either not a big deal or an actual turn-on. So, if you don't care,t here's no need to bring it up. If you do, though, ask now.

I hope this helps. Poly can be a very rewarding life with many chances to meet wonderful people, and hopefully you and your new lady can have fun discovering some of that together!
 
Hi Jess,

Re (from OP):
"My question is, is this a poly relationship I've gotten into?"
Click to expand...

Sounds poly to me.

Re:
"How do I cope with jealously?"
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You have to analyze the jealously to figure out what's causing it. External causes and/or internal causes.

Re:
"Do I meet the husband?"
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Probably a good idea though not absolutely required.

Other than that, the others have covered some important points. Let us know if you have further thoughts, questions, or concerns.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Also, finding out *why* they want you to meet the husband would be a good idea. It could simply be because they believe having a passing acquaintance and the ability to be civil is important (some people don't find this important, btw, but for many it's easier to have consideration, and to expect consideration, about scheduling and the like with people they've actually met). It could be approval/vetoing. It could be just a way to make him or her more comfortable. Or, it could be something else. But, asking her about it and having an idea may change your comfort level (or may not)
 
aLABiMCpl said:
I swear, this has become a Swinger's site.
Definitely not Poly.​
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The OP is here asking legitimate questions about poly, boundaries, how to handle emotional relationships and jealousy when multiple people are involved. She's not asking for dates or anything else that would make this a "swingers site."

Is she in a poly relationship? It appears she's unsure yet, which is why she's here: to help figure it out.
 
aLABiMCpl said:
I swear, this has become a Swinger's site.
Definitely not Poly.​
Click to expand...
If everyone meeting each other and discussing "rules" is how YOU and your loves make poly work for you, that's great. But it is not the only way to live polyamorously.

Yes, it makes sense to ask a poly person if they have rules that will affect you -- but it isn't a given that there are rules. Lots of poly peeps feel that adults who know how to treat their partners well don't need rules imposed on them to figure out how to do that. And if you go into relationships with your eyes open and a good deal of common sense, you will find people who are compatible and respectful of you. Therefore, a set of rules for them to follow is unnecessary.

And as long as there is some way of knowing a person's other partners are okay with poly, whether by seeing their dating profiles, a phone conversation, or email, it isn't a requirement to meet in person, least of all to befriend metamours.

It doesn't make sense, aLABiMCpl, to react as you did to the posts here. To say this has become a swingers' site - huh?? Swinging is much more rules-based and couplecentric than poly is. Poly works best when each person's autonomy is honored.
 
aLABiMCpl said:
I swear, this has become a Swinger's site.
Definitely not Poly.​
Click to expand...

What brings you to that conclusion?

Butch has no say in my relationship with Murf and Murf has no say in my relationship with Butch. There are no rules to play by.

Butch didn't meet Murf until 6 months into or relationship. In 3 years they have only spent less than 6 occasions in each others presence. And the only reason that happened was because it was a holiday or important event for the kids.

I spilt my time 50/50 between homes I share with both men. My children and one of my dogs comes with regularly too.

Would my version of poly work for most? Probably not. Most insulate their children from their other partners. Only set aside an few hours a week with the other partner. While we are focused on building a life. That doesn't make their relationships inferior to mine just different.
 
Even if it is/was a swinger's site, it would still need to define swing and poly accurately, and distinguish the two from each other correctly. Let's not view swing as (intellectually) inferior to poly.

I also think swing is different than just having a FB. Doesn't swing involve going to a club or swing events? Swing is just one kind of (ethical) nonmonogamy that doesn't have emotional attachments.

I can't guarantee Jess's situation counts as poly. For one thing I think it's way too early to tell. I just thought it seemed to be headed in a poly direction.

If I have changed Polyamory.com into a swinger's site, I apologize. I just don't think I have the power to change the site that much.

My definitions are:

  • Polyamory = "the state of being, or the ability and/or inclination to be, in a romantically- and/or intimately-connected group of more than two adults, with the full knowledge and consent of all the adults in the group."
  • Polyamorous = "practicing, inclined toward, or having to do with, polyamory."
  • Polyamorist = "one who is practicing, or who is inclined toward, polyamory."
  • Poly = "polyamory, polyamorous, or polyamorist."
If I have strayed from my own definitions, I apologize. Jess did say, "She and I are sexually and romantically involved." The word "romantically" points toward poly in my book.
 
To me, "swinging" is ethical *sexual* nonmonogamy with no emotional involvement beyond friendship. The emphasis is on sex. Swingers I've known are very tightly committed to one and only one partner and "play" with others. (Not necessarily at clubs or parties, though, Kevin, since you asked about that; sometimes swingers have another couple visit their home, or they go on dates with other partners for the primary or sole purpose of having sex.)

Polyamory is ethical *emotional* nonmonogamy which may or may not include sex; it often does, because romantic relationships of any type often include sex, but the emphasis is on *love* and emotions. Someone who's polyamorous might be tightly committed to more than one partner, as I am.

It sounds like Jess's situation is both sexual and emotional, which as others have said, certainly sounds like polyamory.

There is no ONE TRUE WAY to approach polyamory. The "right" way to do poly is the way that works for the participants in any given relationship. (That's S2's favorite thing about it; he hates being buttonholed into following other people's rules, so he loves the fact that we get to run our relationship OUR way and not according to what anyone else says.)

I don't have *rules* per se with either of my guys; we have boundaries and agreements, but not rules.

Hubby and S2 have met, at my request, because I felt that if they were both going to be an important part of my life, they should at least be able to recognize each other if they passed on the street. But our "meeting" was dinner at a local restaurant, and there was no discussion at all of the relationships; it was just two guys and a woman hanging out chatting. Or, more accurately, two guys affectionately picking on a woman... Anyway, they met because I asked them to, but either or both of them might have refused to meet, and I would have been okay with that.

And S2 is emphatically not my "bit on the side", regardless of lack of rules and lack of group discussion about the relationship.
 
A little off-topic but I was wondering, can single people swing as a single, or is swinging always done as a couple?
 
kdt26417 said:
A little off-topic but I was wondering, can single people swing as a single, or is swinging always done as a couple?
Click to expand...

Single people can swing. For example, just like in the poly community, HBB are highly sought after to join a couple. Single males are often banned at events unless sponsored by a couple or single women, so like poly they often have a more difficult time finder partners.
 
Okay, that makes sense.
 
Don't take YOUR fears out on others: FACE THEM! & the facts

- Not even met the husband -

Thus: fully taking the word of her lover
Thus: never entered into an agreement by all parties involved
Thus: as far as she knows there is no husband, or that husband is a wife, or a spouse may not even exist


Without even the simplest of verification, the relationship is far from Poly, by any definition.

That a debate surrounded by that fact is even happening, and the attack upon me by said "debate" is occurring is in itself close minded and un-Poly.

My Final advice here: Pay more attention to who you're getting your advice from, than the advice itself.
 
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