Is this normal?

A

Adiktd

New member
Hi all! My bf and I have been in a non-monogamous relationship for almost 7 years now. We just recently met someone who is quickly becoming a big part of our lives. We have been dating as a triad for about a month now and spend a LOT of time together.
I'm super happy with where things are going. Everyone is developing their own relationships with each other and we all understand the need to foster the individual relationships as well as the group relationship.
Sometimes when I think of them out together or know they are in another room being very intimate together, I smile and am happy to know that they are developing a deeper bond because I care for them both.
I know that my bf and I have a solid relationship and that I'm not going to lose him just because he cares for someone else or vice versa.
So why, when I feel like I know all this, and I am generally happy, do I get these weird twinges of jealousy/envy at odd times. Like I can be so happy watching him hold her in his arms and kiss her neck and fall alseep, but then the next morning I get this weird jealous feeling when I see he has written her a lovely good morning note before leaving for work? I actually hate myself for feeling that way because I am happy that he's doing nice things for her as I care for them both, but I can't stop the feeling from creeping in sometimes. I never act on the feeling in a negative way I dont think, but I do wear my emotions on my face and my bf can tell when something has bothered me that way. And I don't ever want to make him feel like he can't do something wonderful for this amazing woman just because it, for whatever reason, gave me a moment of jealousy.
do others have this happen? Does this tend to lessen as people are in the relationship longer?
Sorry for the long post, I just am frustrated with feeling things emotionally at times that my brain knows is wrong :/
 
Probably not a good idea to read their love notes, huh? If he just leaves one on the counter for her, maybe you could ask him to fold it or put it in an envelope or something.

Oddly the only time I get a weird feeling about my gf's bf is when she leaves her phone out and I see their lovey chat, calling each other pet names and so on, by accident. Otherwise I never feel a negative emotion!

She and I have a strict boundary on both sides, to never read each other's chat or emails or anything. We are practically joined at the hip, but we never break this boundary. I can't imagine those wives who read their husband's chats with his OSO to somehow control them and monitor how close they are getting. Yuck!
 
Its normal for me

My advice is don't ever worry about what is normal, worry about what works for your relationships.

I think it would be helpful for you to work on being less judgmental towards your feelings. If you need to judge something, judge your behavior. You aren't holding anyone else responsible for your feelings, or asking someone else to make changes and I think that means you're doing great in my opinion. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling. Consider that your feelings, especially fleeting ones like moments of jealousy in an generally compersive relationship, don't have to be a big deal. That fact that you're hating yourself for having those feelings is making it a big deal. In reality it sounds to me like you feel jealous every once in awhile and then later you don't and the part that sticks around is the self hatred not the jealousy. You might feel like the jealous moments aren't so bad if you don't give them the power to convince you that YOU are bad.

If you're worried about your boyfriend reacting to your feelings, remind him its not his fault and he isn't responsible for your feelings. Tell him you don't expect him to change what he's doing. Unless of course the root of your jealousy is that there is something you aren't getting from your relationship that you're unhappy about. In case that talk to him about that instead of what he is doing for someone else. I'd suggest talking to someone outside of the relationship as well if you just feel like talking about how it feels and don't want someone to feel like they need to fix it.
 
Thanks

That's actually all super helpful. An ya, I didn't read the note but just saw it. Silly that it evoked any negative reaction at all but for some reason it did, even though I want them to bond like that and think it's beautiful.
I think the reason I hate myself for having those moments is because I'm worried that it can make them feel badly when they see it on my face. I never want to make anyone feel badly for expressing their affections for each other.
Perhaps you are right. I am definitely getting everything I need from my partners and we are very open about talking about what we need if we feel we are missing anything at an time.
Maybe an impartial ear is just what the doctor ordered. Someone to dump my emotional garbage on when I'm having some stress without bogging down my partners with emotional crap that I can talk through in no time anyways :)
 
I think it would be good to let your partners know about the jealousy you are feeling. It is honest behavior. There is no need to make a big deal about it, but just let them know that this is what you feel. Also tell them that you would not want to feel that - but there it is. Just as a matter of fact.

They do not need to change their behavior - but, they might want to do that to make life smoother for all of you. The changes do not need to be big - like putting the love notes in an envelope. They still can write them and be all lovey dovey, and not trigger uncomfortable feelings in you. I would appreciate this piece of information if I was your partner!

Good luck to you all. :)
 
I'm new to the forum but I'm in a very similar situation, except we only just met that special person and are still trying to sort it out. I'm in a similar position of your bf: we're toghether for 8 years and now there's a new girl.

My gf got jealous of a few situations that might be too explicit to describe, but I think it's part of the process of finding out how the new person in the relationship will fit and work while trying to hold to the old mechanic of just two parts.

About your specific situation though, I believe your bf is just trying to show to the new girl how much he likes her too. And since you two are toghether for so long, he might be taking your knowledge of his feelings for you granted. Don't think I'm saying it's right, quite the contrary. Couples should never stop showing how much they love each other, but it's easy to foget about it when you're toghether for so much time and burried under the day-to-day tasks. And one thing I got from this short experience so far is that it brought back a lot of memories from the start of our relationship, something that most people will cheat to feel this thrill again.

Use that oportunity to recall how you two acted when you started dating. Talk to him, say what you feel, but do that in a cute way. Say how you'd love to get the same treatment in this regard from time to time. I bet he will find your jealousy cute instead of facing it as a complain.
 
Adiktd said:
That's actually all super helpful. An ya, I didn't read the note but just saw it. Silly that it evoked any negative reaction at all but for some reason it did, even though I want them to bond like that and think it's beautiful.
I think the reason I hate myself for having those moments is because I'm worried that it can make them feel badly when they see it on my face. I never want to make anyone feel badly for expressing their affections for each other.
Perhaps you are right. I am definitely getting everything I need from my partners and we are very open about talking about what we need if we feel we are missing anything at an time.
Maybe an impartial ear is just what the doctor ordered. Someone to dump my emotional garbage on when I'm having some stress without bogging down my partners with emotional crap that I can talk through in no time anyways :)
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You are being very hard on yourself! Hating yourself. Calling yourself "silly," and calling your emotions crap and garbage, that need to be dumped elsewhere before it bogs anyone down. Thinking you can "make" anyone feel anything, thinking it's your responsiblity to let your h and his gf act as if they are both single, in a vacuum of monogamy, as if you don't exist. You're being very self effacing and martyrish. It's never good to bottle down up and self mock your own emotions, as if they matter less than other people's emotions.

It is good to vent here. You don't need to hyper analyse your emotions to your h and gf. But on the other hand, it's OK to let them know you have occasional twinges of jealousy. That is so common in poly relationships, especially new ones. I hope they want you to be as happy as they are, and will reassure you in some way to make that happen.

Is the gf also your gf, emotionally, sexually? Or is she more of a good friend to you and a full on partner to your h? Are you seeing any other lovers? What is going on for YOU?
 
leafar said:
I'm new to the forum but I'm in a very similar situation, except we only just met that special person and are still trying to sort it out. I'm in a similar position of your bf: we're toghether for 8 years and now there's a new girl.

My gf got jealous of a few situations that might be too explicit to describe, but I think it's part of the process of finding out how the new person in the relationship will fit and work while trying to hold to the old mechanic of just two parts.

About your specific situation though, I believe your bf is just trying to show to the new girl how much he likes her too. And since you two are toghether for so long, he might be taking your knowledge of his feelings for you granted. Don't think I'm saying it's right, quite the contrary. Couples should never stop showing how much they love each other, but it's easy to foget about it when you're toghether for so much time and burried under the day-to-day tasks. And one thing I got from this short experience so far is that it brought back a lot of memories from the start of our relationship, something that most people will cheat to feel this thrill again.

Use that oportunity to recall how you two acted when you started dating. Talk to him, say what you feel, but do that in a cute way. Say how you'd love to get the same treatment in this regard from time to time. I bet he will find your jealousy cute instead of facing it as a complain.
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I feel like I must have misrepresented what I said. I'm not feeling that I'm not getting what I need. I got a lovely good morning text as normal and feel very loved and cared for and don't feel I'm getting left out.
I think that's why I was frustrated at my jealous moment. Because I'm happy they are connecting and that she gets the love and consideration I do. I just couldn't figure out why I got that jealous feeling :/
If anything, he's gone out of his way more to do sweet little things for me and vice versa in order to make sure that we are not forgetting each other in our excitement with our newest partner :)
 
Magdlyn said:
You are being very hard on yourself! Hating yourself. Calling yourself "silly," and calling your emotions crap and garbage, that need to be dumped elsewhere before it bogs anyone down. Thinking you can "make" anyone feel anything, thinking it's your responsiblity to let your h and his gf act as if they are both single, in a vacuum of monogamy, as if you don't exist. You're being very self effacing and martyrish. It's never good to bottle down up and self mock your own emotions, as if they matter less than other people's emotions.

It is good to vent here. You don't need to hyper analyse your emotions to your h and gf. But on the other hand, it's OK to let them know you have occasional twinges of jealousy. That is so common in poly relationships, especially new ones. I hope they want you to be as happy as they are, and will reassure you in some way to make that happen.

Is the gf also your gf, emotionally, sexually? Or is she more of a good friend to you and a full on partner to your h? Are you seeing any other lovers? What is going on for YOU?
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They are both fantastic and we often talk about different aspects of how the relationship is developing and how we all feel.
I have mentioned a few times that I had a little jealous moment but that when I broke it down, I am not needing anything to get over it, it just kinda happens but is quickly gone. GF has felt comfortable enough to admit that she can feel that jealousy sometimes in certain situations too but it's not something that is an issue, just something to work out personally.
I think I'm more worried about talking too much about those moments as I hyper analyse with my partners cause I can talk in circles and overthink sometimes lol. Maybe a good venting space is handy so that you get all the initial ickiness out and can go into the conversation with partners in a better head space and with a clearer idea of why I feel a certain way.

She is also my gf in every aspect. We fully make time to nurture the 3 person relationship as well as the individual relationship between her and h, me and h, and her and I.
I think over all it's going really great. I think that there's just some learning bumps that we will encounter as things go on. While h and I have had other partners in the past this is our first serious relationship and her first non-monogamous relationship.
 
Adiktd said:
I feel like I must have misrepresented what I said. I'm not feeling that I'm not getting what I need. I got a lovely good morning text as normal and feel very loved and cared for and don't feel I'm getting left out.
I think that's why I was frustrated at my jealous moment. Because I'm happy they are connecting and that she gets the love and consideration I do. I just couldn't figure out why I got that jealous feeling :/
If anything, he's gone out of his way more to do sweet little things for me and vice versa in order to make sure that we are not forgetting each other in our excitement with our newest partner :)
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Right, sorry, I might have misunderstood your post too.

One thing that might be making you jealous then is precisely that the other girl is getting the exact same treatment that you are. My relationship has been completly monogamous until this week so we've been through a few situations like that already. You're probably feeling that way because you have a feeling of ownership over those actions that your bf have with both of you. I guess it's the same for everyone considering doing something like that: there's a very blurry line between what are the loving gestures that you feel should be kept between the original (main?) couple and what can be shared with the other girl without bringing jealousy to any of the parts.

I'm obviously not the best person to give you advice since my polyamory "relationship" is not even a proper relationship yet (we just met the other person but we're getting along scarily well), but talk to him about anything that makes you unconfortable. Better sooner than later! In time you'll probably find things that both girls like, and others that one likes best and the other not so much, and it's in those differences that you'll find things that'll make your relationship to your bf personal, intimate and different (not better or worse) than what he haves with that third part.
 
leafar said:
Right, sorry, I might have misunderstood your post too.

One thing that might be making you jealous then is precisely that the other girl is getting the exact same treatment that you are. My relationship has been completly monogamous until this week so we've been through a few situations like that already. You're probably feeling that way because you have a feeling of ownership over those actions that your bf have with both of you. I guess it's the same for everyone considering doing something like that: there's a very blurry line between what are the loving gestures that you feel should be kept between the original (main?) couple and what can be shared with the other girl without bringing jealousy to any of the parts.

I'm obviously not the best person to give you advice since my polyamory "relationship" is not even a proper relationship yet (we just met the other person but we're getting along scarily well), but talk to him about anything that makes you unconfortable. Better sooner than later! In time you'll probably find things that both girls like, and others that one likes best and the other not so much, and it's in those differences that you'll find things that'll make your relationship to your bf personal, intimate and different (not better or worse) than what he haves with that third part.
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You know, you might be right. Maybe there's a piece of me that has only seen him display certain types of affection towards me and maybe it strikes a little jealousy in me now that I see someone else on the receiving end of it. If that's the case, I imagine those twinges of jealousy might become less frequent as the relationship goes on. There's a part of me (I guess my brain) that is happy when I see him doing these things for her because I am starting to really care for her and really want amazing things for her. Must just be a part of me that emotionally has not caught up with my conscious thought :p I mean, 3 weeks ago I couldn't handle being in the house with them being intimate while I was working in another room because it was too hard constantly wondering what they were saying or doing when I heard them moving or giggling or whatever (although I had no issue if they were out together without me). Took me a few nights of being emotionally stressed and then that diminished and, as I type this, I'm working away in my office while they are curled up watching a movie in the bedroom after we all had dinner together and I smile when I think of them up there together. We are only a month into this being a serious relationship so maybe I will cut myself a bit of slack while I experience new things as long as it's not hurting anyone (myself included).
I actually feel a lot better just having a place to hash things out with other people. None of my friends would ever be helpful because they will always just assume the problem is that we're not monogamous.
 
Hi Adiktd,

It is quite normal for people to have twinges of jealousy, and those will probably fade as time passes. It is good to have someone to vent to, and while you can certainly vent to a counselor, you can also vent to us right here on this forum. We definitely understand that polyamory isn't the problem per se. We can help and support you.

If the feelings worsen, then you might have cause to worry, but let's not cross that bridge unless we get to it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Adiktd,

It is quite normal for people to have twinges of jealousy, and those will probably fade as time passes. It is good to have someone to vent to, and while you can certainly vent to a counselor, you can also vent to us right here on this forum. We definitely understand that polyamory isn't the problem per se. We can help and support you.

If the feelings worsen, then you might have cause to worry, but let's not cross that bridge unless we get to it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thanks so much. I do feel like I experience these feeling less frequently but they just kinda creep up at the oddest of times. For example, last night while all in bed, they were snuggling to sleep and I got just a terrible emotional feeling. But just prior to that we all enjoyed some beautiful time together and I felt more bonded with them than ever. And we are always frequently sleeping in a bed together and rarely am I one of the partners all cuddled up because, quite frankly, I find it hard to sleep all entwined in a body. I tried self talking to figure out why I was feeling that way but I could not put a concrete reason for it; I had the blanket I liked, the space I need to sleep, I just finished kissing and having very bonding conversation with the two of them... It didn't make any sense, it just was what it was but it sucked. My h was pretty upset that I was feeling this way because he truly does go out of his way to do things all the time to make sure I know that I am secure and loved and safe. I think it hurt his feelings that I was feeling that darn jealousy bug when he works so hard to make sure I have no reason for it. GF was totally cool with it. She gets that we are all uncovering new things and that sometimes emotions just happen. (note, I am a very emotionally driven person so I wear all my emotions right on my face. I cry at anything beautiful, happy, sad... you get it lol)
I need to learn some techniques to deal with the jealousy when it's over something very small that I don't feel the need to share because I know it will be gone within a short period of time. It's making them feel like they were doing something wrong (when they were not) that is actually the crappy feeling that lingers. If I could have just shook my head and gone to sleep, I would have felt fine this morning and no one would have had to feel bad for my feeling odd when there was no good reason for it.
 
First of all, I think it bears mentioning that experiencing and addressing uncomfortable feelings is a process of growing as a person. Sometimes you might "overthink" something, only to find that the feeling was not exactly what you thought at first, maybe it's rooted somewhere else or somewhere deeper. For me, poly (and other nonpoly relating in the last year plus) has been like intensive therapy. I've uncovered what I call "bad code", programs written in childhood, or during other unhealthy relationships previous, that I must work to unravel. And eliminating bad code, is not as simple as just recognizing it and talking yourself out of it. Sometimes getting over things takes time, and you need to be kind and patient to yourself, and you need to request kindness and patience from your loved ones, too.

But it can bring you closer, and it helps you to grow and self actualize, and that is good stuff!

Personally, I love having a blog here, because I process well by writing. I may write about something that has me upset, but then as I chew on the idea I realize it's taken me somewhere different in my mind, and I follow the train of discovery where it goes.

So you might not be jealous for exactly the reason it initially seems. You might need to find some bad code that is executing at certain stimuli, and figure it out, to silence your gremlins. For instance with the cuddling. You realize that your needs are met, you don't need the snuggly stuff they are doing, and so you wonder why it would make you unhappy feeling, that they are doing it? Does it occur to you that maybe, you are questioning your own worth, because he needs this, and she needs this, but you don't and also you do not have it to offer either of them...so they give and get it from each other...and you feel like a "bad partner" for not being keen to give either of them the snuggles they are clearly enjoying?

Maybe there is more to it than simply being envious of what they have because you aren't getting it in that moment for yourself...maybe you're questioning your value as a partner, in those moments?

Often the ego is sneakily involved in feelings like what we too simply label "jealousy." And sometimes if you follow that thought down the rabbit hole, you might recall times you felt that way as a child or a younger version of yourself, and seek the original placement of those bits of bad code.

It is worth thinking about.

Also, I recommend having a conversation with your loves, and making sure they understand that whatever the cause of this, and it might take you some time to work out, it is not fair to have the attitude of "well I did everything I could and she STILL isn't happy/safe/comfortable" when likely the origin of your feelings is somewhere inside of you. The best way they can be loving and kind in this situation is to be patient, and understand that figuring these things out is a process, and be supportive of you in that.

Just my 2 cents. If it helps, cool, and if I'm off base, then disregard. :)
 
Spork said:
First of all, I think it bears mentioning that experiencing and addressing uncomfortable feelings is a process of growing as a person. Sometimes you might "overthink" something, only to find that the feeling was not exactly what you thought at first, maybe it's rooted somewhere else or somewhere deeper. For me, poly (and other nonpoly relating in the last year plus) has been like intensive therapy. I've uncovered what I call "bad code", programs written in childhood, or during other unhealthy relationships previous, that I must work to unravel. And eliminating bad code, is not as simple as just recognizing it and talking yourself out of it. Sometimes getting over things takes time, and you need to be kind and patient to yourself, and you need to request kindness and patience from your loved ones, too.

But it can bring you closer, and it helps you to grow and self actualize, and that is good stuff!

Personally, I love having a blog here, because I process well by writing. I may write about something that has me upset, but then as I chew on the idea I realize it's taken me somewhere different in my mind, and I follow the train of discovery where it goes.

So you might not be jealous for exactly the reason it initially seems. You might need to find some bad code that is executing at certain stimuli, and figure it out, to silence your gremlins. For instance with the cuddling. You realize that your needs are met, you don't need the snuggly stuff they are doing, and so you wonder why it would make you unhappy feeling, that they are doing it? Does it occur to you that maybe, you are questioning your own worth, because he needs this, and she needs this, but you don't and also you do not have it to offer either of them...so they give and get it from each other...and you feel like a "bad partner" for not being keen to give either of them the snuggles they are clearly enjoying?

Maybe there is more to it than simply being envious of what they have because you aren't getting it in that moment for yourself...maybe you're questioning your value as a partner, in those moments?

Often the ego is sneakily involved in feelings like what we too simply label "jealousy." And sometimes if you follow that thought down the rabbit hole, you might recall times you felt that way as a child or a younger version of yourself, and seek the original placement of those bits of bad code.

It is worth thinking about.

Also, I recommend having a conversation with your loves, and making sure they understand that whatever the cause of this, and it might take you some time to work out, it is not fair to have the attitude of "well I did everything I could and she STILL isn't happy/safe/comfortable" when likely the origin of your feelings is somewhere inside of you. The best way they can be loving and kind in this situation is to be patient, and understand that figuring these things out is a process, and be supportive of you in that.

Just my 2 cents. If it helps, cool, and if I'm off base, then disregard. :)
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Absolutely it helps, it's really cool to hear other people's takes on things and allows me to look at issues from different angles. I've done a lot of thinking and am pretty sure that I have some deep rooted feelings of insecurity and un-worthiness that stems back from when I was a lot younger. I've decided that it might be helpful to see a therapist who can maybe help me dig deeper into myself and maybe figure out why I feel certain things and if maybe I can re-wire myself and develop more self-love.
I don't think I feel less worthy about the cuddling thing though. I am probably the most affectionate person I know and want to cuddle all the time except for when I want to sleep lol. I took the tests to discover my love language and I am VERY much someone who receives love through personal touch and attention.
I have been talking to my partners and explained that, while I don't always know where the feelings are coming from, that I do analyse them and they often seem unfounded. That they are not at fault and that I do not feel they are doing anything to create the feeling and that it's just something I have to move on from.
The following few nights, I've made it a point to have a really good 5 or so minute cuddle with my h before moving over to my side of the bed (gf usually sleeps in the middle when she's here). It really doesn't put anyone out and I feel I am getting just a little bit of comfort and normalcy by being able to have that with him before going to sleep. Hopefully just this little act will help avert that feeling coming back again. And if it does come back on some random night, at least I know that I can deal with it and remind myself that it's probably routed more in learned behaviour than in actual stress.
 
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