Is This the Final Red Flag? Hotwife, Poly, and Possible Rectification

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I like going without condoms for the ease of going between different sex acts, vaginal and oral. I hate oral with a condom, yuck, the latex tastes terrible.
And from what I'm told it's mostly not worth it for the guy either so practically not worth doing. I've alluded to a change in Artist and I's sex life about... a year and a half ago now, maybe? I could find the date but I'm not going to right this second. Anyway he and I didn't do oral for years in either direction, past a few experimental times, because his then-boundaries of his relationship included a fairly strict set of sexual health agreements. Obviously it wasn't a *problem*, but definitely a thing I wished wasn't the case. So fixing that (for all acts) was a really really lovely change. (He was snipped back in his early 20's so that was never a concern.)

Amusingly Knight and I still mostly use condoms for vaginal anyway - I can't tolerate hormonal birth control, and he hasn't gotten snipped yet, so there we are. :🤷: Ironically Joan has had her tubes out and thus they don't use condoms, so it's one more spot at which we aren't each other's primary sexual partner in some ways.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Amusingly Knight and I still mostly use condoms for vaginal anyway - I can't tolerate hormonal birth control, and he hasn't gotten snipped yet, so there we are. :🤷: Ironically Joan has had her tubes out and thus they don't use condoms, so it's one more spot at which we aren't each other's primary sexual partner in some ways.

That would be an example of why I don't think condom usage indicates being someone's "primary" (sex) partner or not. It's just a practical thing, not emotional or hierarchical. One partner uses condoms for birth control, the other doesn't need to.

For me it's no more emotional than deciding whether or not to wear a helmet while riding a bicycle.

Although barriers for oral sex would not be particularly fun, I agree.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Having dated a few women who also were swingers (who really run the the swinging community from what I can tell as an outsider), this is not something they ran into. Swinging community tend to have strict rules and guidelines requiring protection and regular tests and remove people who do not follow the rules. Removing protective sexual barriers without the consent of the sexual partner is not what the swinging community is about. It's about having sexy fun with communication and consent.
This. The swinging community that I know is ardent about regular testing, condom use and consent.

What is a "hard core" swinger?
 
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This. The swinging community that I know is ardent about regular testing, condom use and consent.

What is a "hard core" swinger?
Sorry, perhaps this is a bit of a local colloquialism, but that is all he does, and what C sometimes acts like and sometimes doesn't. Here if someone is hard-core they are committed or passionate about it.

But judging by above, it seems there may be a difference between a hotwife and swingers? He does go and have casual encounters independently. Perhaps it is a blend of the two here.
 
Hi everyone,

Just wanted to give an update. Yesterday unexpectedly we had a heavy chat, but a good one. Turns out that a move closer to my institution was causing some tension on her end (I got a sweet deal on a better living situation) which with her chaotic schedule was something she hadn't gotten a chance to talk about. This was part of the reason of her probing questions as I expected. She was very clear in explaining she did not want to hold me back as to dating but got scared that I was making these changes simply to pursue partners. I didn't even consider this as you can all see from my earlier posts, it was so trivial to me.

I took this opportunity to bring up how I was jealous and not happy about the reaction - and how I was struggling to cope with it. I also mentioned how I felt left out on the fun though how silly that could be due to COVID and distance. I had mentioned that the anklet was her lifestyle and I was trying to not limit her unduly by being jealous and sad, that as a partner I should support her. She cleared it up saying her H bought it and as a few of you suggested, was being part of the fun overall.

Long story short we cleared up a ton. In addition to the move she was worried that she was responsible for my slow dating outside of us. I explained to her how I take awhile to build connections beyond friends and reminded her of my schedule in this crisis, I will not pretend to understand all of the titles in the world but I am pretty sapiosexual where the closer I am to a person the better the sex becomes. It helped her understand my wiring as I explained how these in my mind cross back and forth. We discussed her encounters out, and she asked me to be tough for a few minutes and described them. Turns out that they are really nothing like I imagined and it was oddly relieving. She also was very open about the emotional bond between us and explained how she has no interest in others for emotional connection, and in fact the sexual dynamic her and I enjoy is pretty much flipped. I will say she was very concerned her emotional closeness was selfish on her part but I told her I can't really help her settle those feelings, as I am not a neutral party and would not be able to check my self-interest in this. I must give her credit where she also cleared up the frequency of her looking, as she mentioned that she did not want to enable my worries and was very clear that these are far more rare than my imagination was encountering. She also went out of her way to mention that while we have many close things outside the bedroom that our physical enjoyment was so intense and better than anyone else that part of her envy is that I would share it with others. This conversation was helpful as and while I do not want to develop a crutch by competing (that is super unhealthy) it certainly helped take away the scaries. We also discussed the closeness impact on her SO, he has done a ton of work as at first he was suspicious based on a couple they know encounter, but has been supportive. In fact they had talked about the fluid bond, which we discussed in depth. I told her it was okay as long as we got tested, and she went into great great detail about the risk protection they all take. Long story short we will be extremely careful about it, I also took the advice of a few of you and mentioned about the possible jealousy with it when a primary enters the picture for me. Thank you for that bit.

I feel alot better. I still feel that twinge of jealousy but it is to the point where I will continue to explore why easier, but I think it is very much isolation (as I am sure you all miss partners you may not be able to see). I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on here, and I look forward to chatting with all of you and growing. I really owe you all one.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I will not pretend to understand all of the titles in the world but I am pretty sapiosexual where the closer I am to a person the better the sex becomes.
Not to get lost in the weeds, but sapiosexual refers to being attracted to intellect - not necessarily being emotionally close. For example, lots of people seem to have a sapiosexual attraction to Pete Buttigieg and obviously will never meet him, let alone get emotionally close to him or even be in his pool of possible partners (which would seem to be a pool of one.) Sapiosexual means that a person is sexually attracted to smarts.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Tallbosguy might mean demisexual.
 
sapiosexual refers to being attracted to intellect
Yeah, sorry - kinda bastardized the term. I am very attracted to intellect and ambition, where the closer and more I know the better it is.
Tallbosguy might mean demisexual.
I am quite sexual - I think demi is sort of a split between ace and sexual but only with certain people?

I am definitely attracted to people beyond ace places but it is far, far less for me to have such an encounter than someone I know better.

But thank you! I will have to keep looking at these terms.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Yeah, sorry - kinda bastardized the term. I am very attracted to intellect and ambition, where the closer and more I know the better it is.

I am quite sexual - I think demi is sort of a split between ace and sexual but only with certain people?

I am definitely attracted to people beyond ace places but it is far, far less for me to have such an encounter than someone I know better.

But thank you! I will have to keep looking at these terms.
No, demisexual is not in the same realm as asexual. Demisexual people can be super horny, but they just need a pretty good emotional connection with someone to want to have sex. They wouldn't have sex on a first date. For some, they can feel comfortable enough after a few weeks of friendship or dating, and it can take years for others.
 

TinCup

Member
The term demisexual was coined in 2006 on the forums of The Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN) by user sonofzeal. In the thread, sonofzeal describes his experience of not experiencing sexual attraction without first forming an emotional connection.

Sonofzeal felt neither asexual nor completely non–asexual, so coining demisexual helped him more accurately describe needing an emotional bond as a prerequisite to sexual attraction. Demisexuality exists on the asexual spectrum—a continuum of sexualities ranging from completely asexual to non-asexual with lots of in-between.



Edit and I should have included: Asexual people can get super horny and they may have a libido. I invite everyone to peruse AVEN.
 
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So what is horny enough to do a ONS or random encounter but more passionate with connection over time?

I kinda described it like a gas pedal. I am in drive and check out folks but as we hit the accelerator and I get to know someone better the faster I go.
 

tdh

Active member
I kinda described it like a gas pedal.
Like the Dual Control Model? Heard it described as a there is an accelerator and a break. To make things sexually go, you need to let off of the break and apply the accelerator. But at times someone might hit the accelerator and the break at the same time, the break might hit and the wrong time, the accelerator will go to the floor and then be suddenly released, etc etc...covering all the different issues between becoming inhibited and excited for sex.
 
Like the Dual Control Model? Heard it described as a there is an accelerator and a break. To make things sexually go, you need to let off of the break and apply the accelerator. But at times someone might hit the accelerator and the break at the same time, the break might hit and the wrong time, the accelerator will go to the floor and then be suddenly released, etc etc...covering all the different issues between becoming inhibited and excited for sex.
My mind is too fried to even delve into that right now! But I will tomorrow.
 
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breathemusic

Active member
I'm just catching up on all of this and it seems like you've managed to talk through a lot of the concerns that have been addressed here... the one thing that I don't see that you mentioned is that when it comes to fluid bonding, you mentioned that you're now more open to it after hearing more about their safe sex practices. I'd like to throw out there some things you should be considering:

1) even if her and her husband are using protection with casual encounters, do you know what using protection means? Is that for oral too or just PIV/PIA? Has everyone discussed what the expectation is if a condom breaks with a casual encounter? If you haven't, then that should be a clear expectation addressed that at that point, you'd want to be notified that the fluid bonded bubble was increased even if due to an accident so that you can decide if you want to go back to protection until an appropriate testing period is over, etc.
2) you mentioned your partner isn't on birth control. Have you had a vasectomy? If not, y'all are taking some serious risk there if you don't want a kid. I strongly advocate for everyone to be in control of their own birth control method. You, as a penis-haver, have ZERO control over what choice someone else makes if you get them pregnant. Even if they say they wouldn't have the baby, people change their minds. Shit happens. If I was AMAB I wouldn't dream of having unprotected sex with an AFAB person without either a condom or a vasectomy, for my own peace of mind.
 
I'm just catching up on all of this and it seems like you've managed to talk through a lot of the concerns that have been addressed here... the one thing that I don't see that you mentioned is that when it comes to fluid bonding, you mentioned that you're now more open to it after hearing more about their safe sex practices. I'd like to throw out there some things you should be considering:

1) even if her and her husband are using protection with casual encounters, do you know what using protection means? Is that for oral too or just PIV/PIA? Has everyone discussed what the expectation is if a condom breaks with a casual encounter? If you haven't, then that should be a clear expectation addressed that at that point, you'd want to be notified that the fluid bonded bubble was increased even if due to an accident so that you can decide if you want to go back to protection until an appropriate testing period is over, etc.
2) you mentioned your partner isn't on birth control. Have you had a vasectomy? If not, y'all are taking some serious risk there if you don't want a kid. I strongly advocate for everyone to be in control of their own birth control method. You, as a penis-haver, have ZERO control over what choice someone else makes if you get them pregnant. Even if they say they wouldn't have the baby, people change their minds. Shit happens. If I was AMAB I wouldn't dream of having unprotected sex with an AFAB person without either a condom or a vasectomy, for my own peace of mind.
Big thanks for your concern.

I made it clear that the way this goes is test than neither has any encounter until with each other if the results are okay - every single time.

She is moving to be on birth control, and the majority of our encounters will still be with protection.

May I ask what AMAB or AFAB is? I assume its something male or female related.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB)

Assigned Female at Birth (AFAB)

 
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