Is this Unreasonable?

M

MsEmotional

Member
Is it unreasonable, in a poly relationship, to ask that your partner not talk to you about needs that you cannot fulfill?

Why I am asking:
My boyfriend wants kids. This is kind of a recent realization on his part and I sense that it is in part because he enjoys hanging out with my two young children. When he talks about needing to find someone to have a kid with him, or how much he wants a child or how "behind" he is (in terms of his same-age peers as far as having kids or planning for kids with a partner), I (as his only current partner and a fertile female) feel a certain level of pressure to be able to provide him with a kid. He has told me that this is not an expectation he has of me, but it is a pressure I feel nonetheless.

When we were talking about it a few days ago, he offered to refrain from talking to me about his desire to have a child. This was a huge relief to me as it helped me put it out of my mind and not feel responsible for a need that I would find difficult to fulfill.

However today he was talking about how much less fun dating is now because he can't be relaxed about it and is always thinking about the future. The kids thing came up and I apologized for unintentionally asking questions that steered the conversation toward a topic that we had agreed to stay away from. Later on, he texted me to say that he wasn't able to have topics of conversation that are "off-limits" and that is is stressful to be trying to avoid talking about something that is on his mind all the time.

I understand his point, but it also doesn't seem like an unreasonable request on my part. If he had some kind of kink that I wasn't able or willing to fulfill, I guess I would expect him to not talk to me about how desperate he is to find a partner who is willing to engage in that kink with him. Or if he were really looking for spmeone who had the time and resources to go travel with him, I would feel like he shouldn't go on and on about how he wants to find a partner with lots of PTO time and a fantastic salary.

Is it unreasonable of me to ask that he not talk to me about how much he wants to find a partner who is interested in carrying his child?

If yes, (if that is an unreasonable thing for me to ask of him) how do I change the way that I hear him when he says these things, so that I can hear him say he wants a kid and not internalize it and feel responsible for providing him with one?
 
Humm

Start with concrete opinion from you:
Do you think he has the financial freedom to raise a kid?
Would he be up for a full time dad post from day one?
He has the right any of us do for wanting children.. Yes.

So, if you're ok with him finding that person he could procreate with..... Then it's ok to tell him that's a subject y'all don't have to share.
 
I'm gonna guess. I might guess wrong, ok?

In your other thread?

You just changed BC. Hormones can "amplify" stuff making it seem worse than it is. And you may not be totally settled down from that product change.

Then you guys had a pregnancy scare recently too. He takes things in stride and like "go with the flow" and you sound like you get more anxious and want things SOLVED and all talked out. You are learning that you each cope with stress differently, and you are learning it is different styles. Which sounds about right for dating... this is what dating is FOR. To learn the stuff about each other.

And you have some secret wishes you are not ready to share with him yet. You are experiencing internal conflict. "I want to tell him stuff" vs "Ack! I am not ready to tell!"

And he doesn't know all this is going on inside your head because he is not a mind reader. So he's all "Mr Philosophical Wow Pregnancy Scare. Let me Take Stock of My Life To Process This" and you take his ramblings personally and go all snarly bear at him when he didn't even do anything.

You are the one poking your own bear, not him.

Maybe you just bite the bullet, print it and have him read to clue him in to where YOUR headspace is at. That solves the internal conflict and maybe he can help you tame the bear some so you aren't so prickly to be around next time major stressors hit bangbangbang all in a row like this episode was.

how do I change the way that I hear him when he says these things, so that I can hear him say he wants a kid and not internalize it and feel responsible for providing him with one?
Click to expand...

Are you in the habit of taking things personally? Which is then being amplified by feeling self-concious and awkward? And you don't like that so you get mad, which feels better bet then you have this ball of mad to get out so you zing! people around you and they are like "Dude. What is your prickly bear problem?"

You could stop pussyfooting around genuine emotional intimacy and just accept it will feel vomitous the first time out. And trust he's not an asshole and it will be ok.

Because maybe this really isn't about him wanting babies or you wanting his babies. This is about you being NAKED together for the first time. Not like bodies in sex naked. But SOUL naked, laid bare to the bone naked, all my thoughts and feelings just OUT there naked.

So I get it. Nerves.

But still. Eventually do you want emotional intimacy with this guy? Yes? Then just get on with it. Stop "hiding" and just show yourself. Cuz yer gettin' twitchy. :eek:

So... maybe I guessed wrong and I'm not even in the right ball park. Whatever the reason for the twitchy.... I know those can feel so ANNOYING. Like this itch thing you cannot reach to scratch making you bananas. PricklePricklePrickle.

I do hope you feel better soon.

GL!

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks!

I think it is a frequency problem. And it's the fact that that sometimes I don't have any warning about when it will come up in conversation. He doesn't go on and on about it -- he just says, "I want a to have a kid" or "I really need to find someone who is willing to have a kid with me," and that's it. The trouble is i don't know where to carry he conversation from there!

Am I supposed to give him tips on how to find a woman who is willing to mate with him? Am I supposed to reassure him that he has "plenty of time" and tell him not to worry about it? Am I supposed to just nod and say "yeah! That's rough! Glad I got that checked off my to-do list already!" He tells me that I don't need to do any of that -- that he's just expressing what is on his mind, but I still feel awkward.
 
Sorry GalaGirl -- I responded to your reply before you edited it, so it might not make much sense now.

It's not a secret -- I told him about the fact that I had been thinking about having a kid with him. In the same converation though was when I told him that I was really overwhelmed by that thought and that my husband was really stressed out about it too, so it wasn't something I was able to consider. That's when Ponytail offered to not talk to me about reproduction. So everything is out on the table, I think.

--> Ponytail wants a kid.
--> I kind of want another kid and am curious about whether it would be possible to have one with Ponytail, but it is super complicated to think about and I have only known him 2 months, so I don't want to be thinking about it right now. Plus, my husband totally freaked out at the very notion of me having a kid with another dad while we are still married.
--> Ponytail knows that it stresses me out to hear him talk about wanting a kid, but cannot change the fact that this is something on his mind. I accept that this is something he wants and don't know what my role is when he tells me about it.
 
Yeah, we are cross posting. Not a biggie. :)

I think it is a frequency problem. And it's the fact that that sometimes I don't have any warning about when it will come up in conversation. He doesn't go on and on about it -- he just says, "I want a to have a kid" or "I really need to find someone who is willing to have a kid with me," and that's it. The trouble is i don't know where to carry he conversation from there!
Click to expand...

We call those "word bullets" or "popcorn thoughts" or "spaghetti train" at our house depending on how they come across. Receiving a lot of those can be disorienting. And in my family we are all multi-threaders. Do several convos at once. But some people get headache doing that. So we keep it single threads when guests are here.

I accept that this is something he wants and don't know what my role is when he tells me about it.
Click to expand...

You seem to get wound up tight kinda needlessly sometimes.

If you don't know your role...if you don't know how to carry the conversation from there? Why not speak up and ASK clarifying questions?

"That sounds like word bullets/popcorn thoughts to me. I don't know my listening job here so I can know what kind of listening to be doing.

  • Is this like you are airing out to the sky? So it can be like one ear listening, but I can flip through this magazine too?

  • Or is this like you are trying to solve something, and you are gonna want feedback later? So this is like 2 ear listening plus take notes?

  • Or something else?

At our house our shorthand is PIE. Like "Wait... What kind of PIE is this?" A conversation to Persuade, Inform, Entertain? Problem Solve? Brainstorm? Ramblings? Because if we know the PIE we are being served, we also know usually what kind of listening goes with it.

ASK him what kind of listening he wants you to be doing. Stop trying to mind reader/guess. Keep life easier on you. Less twitchy. ;)

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks -- I like the idea of framing it in terms of "what kind of listening are you wanting from me?"
 
Humm

If you've only know each other two months! Wow!
Tell him to relax... You guys have time to enjoy actually knowing each other first.
Just be supportive of the fact he shared... It's awesome he wants kids! Now any lady he wants to have kids with... Well he may need to know the prospective lady for a couple years first maybe .. Just maybe .. Everyone is different.
I think it's a great conversation to have actually...
You don't have to decide today to have kids with him or not...

You can still question him to see how thought out his idea is already, how life would be, time would be, money would be, support would be?
Have fun with it.... And always remind him at the end that it makes you uncomfortable right now! But that might change some time
 
Last edited:
I really don't like the idea of trying to stifle people from talking about whatever's on their mind, even if it's not something you can relate to, or that triggers difficult feelings for you. It strikes me as self-centered and inconsiderate. Being in a relationship means sometimes you have to let people talk about stuff you don't care about, because it matters to them and they matter to you. I can't tell you how many "My Shitty Day on the Railroad" stories I've listened to over the years, but I'm still going to listen to every single one my husband wants to share, because I love and support him and sometimes he has a need to discuss what's on his mind, and it costs me nothing but a few minutes of time to fulfill that need.

MsEmotional said:
Am I supposed to give him tips on how to find a woman who is willing to mate with him? Am I supposed to reassure him that he has "plenty of time" and tell him not to worry about it? Am I supposed to just nod and say "yeah! That's rough! Glad I got that checked off my to-do list already!" He tells me that I don't need to do any of that -- that he's just expressing what is on his mind, but I still feel awkward.
Click to expand...

You're just supposed to listen. If you've told him that you are not willing to mother his future children, then he's not bringing it up to try and change your mind. He's just a person having thoughts and feelings, and wanting to share his thoughts and feelings with the people he loves. What could possibly be more wonderful than that?

You don't have to say anything. At all. Just give him space to express it. Let him talk, then look him in the eye and just smile. Squeeze his hand. When he's expressed what he needs to express, then you can change the topic to something more engaging for you.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

When your boyfriend brings it up, maybe the thing to say is, "I can't think about having kids right now; sorry." You could add, "I don't mind if you find someone else to have kids with." If that's how you feel. I get the impression you're torn in two directions about whether to have any more kids. So no wonder if it is upsetting to you when he brings it up. But you could just be honest. "I can't think about that right now. It's too upsetting."

Just some quick thoughts, and I could be wrong. But maybe it's something to think about.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I wouldn't equate having kids to finding a kink or travel partner. Having a kid has a huge impact. Finding a kink partner has zero impact on the other partners.

I think this is the sort of thing partners should talk about. At least you know what your future might look like and can make decisions based on that. I don't think I could have a partner I couldn't talk about my hopes and dreams with.
 
Does he want to be a father, or merely reproduce himself?

The latter takes a few minutes. The other runs 20+ years, & begins from MANY diaper changes & 3:00 a.m. squallings (if not from months of irritability, hormonal swings, etc.).

IME, most males who "want to have kids" have no first clue as to what they're getting into.
 
Try empathize get, rather than think you need to solve:

I know you do"

Or- I remember what that felt like- before I had kids, wanting them"

Or, "yeah, kids are fun"

lso- you could let him know- "I need a temporary brwk from kid talk today- would it be okay to talk about other things on this date?"

More reasonable than banning things permanently.
 
You also can let him know you need reassurance he wants to be with you, rather than only people ready this instance to procreate

Or- "I hope that happens for you- maybe even with me, but
I'm not ready to go there yet."
That offers him reassurance,
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top