Issues and need advice please

Ohmygoddess

Ohmygoddess

New member
I am going to try to keep this short and it will probably come off as mostly negative situations but bare with me as I try to sort this all out.

My bf and I discussed having an open relationship before he moved in. It's something we both admitted we have always wanted and with each other we can do that. At the time I felt comfortable and very excited about it all because my previous relationship was open.

Prior to him moving in he told me of a long time friend of his whom he wanted to continue seeing and that he loved her. I was upset and said no. Mind you this was the beginning and we hadn't discussed being open yet. Let's call his friend Mary.

Over the next two weeks he and Mary chat probably daily. I'm not entirely sure. I wasn't worried about it. He tells me stories about his friend, her experiences, etc without ever mentioning names and I automatically think these are all different people.

One evening we are both drinking, incredibly turned on and I tell him let's invite his friend up sometime and see what happens. Immediately he texts her and tells her this. We begin arguing about this over the next week and he is pushing very hard for this to happen. He begins omitting facts about their relationship and other things I find important at a later date. By the end of the week we are ok. His friend joins us, we have a blast but the threesome didn't work out in his favor. Meaning, his friend and I did not play together. I was not interested at the time because I was turned on watching him with her. After that night was done he tells me he didn't really want her there, that it wasn't a true threesome like he wanted. He also says it will be a long time before he's ready to try again but isn't too interested in seeing me with another man. I am confused.

Over the next month or two we talk more about this open aspect. He still maintains that he would eventually like to see me with another man but isn't that interested in it or meeting another couple as he is a woman. Our sex life is great, for me but I want to be a lot more adventurous.

The next time we decide to look for someone else, we were talking while on an all night walk through a park. He posts two ads. One for us to meet another woman and another for us to meet a couple. A woman responds to us and immediately our plans for the evening are forgotten while he chats with her and shares what I feel are very few details. We fight and make up. By mid-week, I am now chatting with this woman and decide she is definitely not the right person for us so I politely tell her thanks but no thanks. She becomes upset. Later that evening I tell my bf what happened and he becomes upset and asks me if I would have gone through with this if she was someone from one of the swingers parties I attend from time to time. Now I am pissed again and we fight/make up.

I am so confused because this is twice now that I have backed out except the first time was with his friend so I didn't back out. However I am feeling guilty about backing out of anything now and worried.

We talk and go back and forth about all this. I can see there are big communication gaps that we need to work through. I mean really work through before we can go on with this lifestyle.

About a week ago I found myself on his desktop. I wanted to spice things up a bit and I'm on his desktop so a brilliant idea hits me. I need to find out what kind of porn he's into so I can add some spice, surprise him with something exciting and so I begin looking through his history. A chat page pops up and i read him telling his friend that he is horny as hell but his girlfriend is slow on the sharing aspect. His friends response is to refer to me as a whore. I lost my mind.

That chat took place the night before I found it. During the prior evening we were drinking and a little after chat that he passed out after promising we would make love and have fun together. Didn't happen.

I confront him about it. He tells me it's not what he meant. That what he meant was we hadn't gotten to the experience yet of sharing. I don't buy it.

So now I am a mess of emotions and I feel as if I'm caught in a storm of jealousy that I can't get out of. The few people I have talked to just tell me to end the relationship because he's too selfish. Is only thinking about himself and what he wants.

Thing is, I know i want an open relationship and our issues right now is communication and the feeling that he wants to rush in and live this lifestyle without discussing rules or boundaries. For example, he refuses to use condoms. I know I can't live like that.*

This is as condensed as I can get this. I just need help desperately as to what we may be doing wrong here.
 
There's a lot to unpack in this post, and I'll leave most of that to others, but I just want to say that anyone who absolutely refuses to use condoms is probably not someone I would want to have anything to do with. That in particular shows a distinct lack of caring about the people this person sleeps with.
 
polyrhythmic said:
That in particular shows a distinct lack of caring about the people this person sleeps with.
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Totally. It is either "everyone but me" or "use them always with me and do what you will with everyone else" (obvs. according to their preferences).
 
Agreed, I don't feel the need to comment much further than DTMFA (dump the mother fucker already) when he wants to be able to fuck around and not use protection. Gross and he clearly doesn't give a crap about anyone's sexual health, including his own. Someone who doesn't care about their own sexual health certainly isn't going to respect yours or anyone else's.

If you eventually want an open relationship, great. Read up on them and then go date someone else who can go about it more respectfully.
 
Hi Ohmygoddess,

Have you heard of NVC? (Non-Violent Communication.) There is a book on it by Marshall Rosenberg. It may help you discuss things with your boyfriend without getting into a fight. Another thing that may help is if you can find a poly-friendly counselor, and go see them as a couple if you can. It seems to me the interactions between you and your boyfriend are kinda jumbled. You need a way to get them organized so that the two of you are on the same page.

Nothing huge here, I know, but maybe it'll help a little.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I thank you all for your replies. The safety is the biggest concern.

I will definitely check out counseling if we resolve the safety issues. Otherwise he will have to be completely on his own.

Again, thank you!
 
Why were you taking an all night walk in the park? You say he ignored the plans he had with you, how long was he texting with the stranger who answered the ad?

He seems to do an awful lot of things without consulting you or taking previous plans into consideration. Does he do this with other people? Does he do it at work? Or is this a new thing since he moved in?

Leetah
 
hard to feel jealous when you're pretending it's all fantasy

This sounds like your BF is trying to walk through life like a soft porn novel character; you know, people make irrational decisions, you never see protection used, issues like consent, respect, dignity might get interrupt the script, slow down the book's pace, so they never actually happen. The folks here represent healthy poly relationships - they think about everyone's feelings, recognize that not everyone is always turned on always, and pay attention to more mundane stuff too- bills, dishes, flu vaccines.

If you truly desire healthy relationships, perhaps consider biographies instead of romance novels :)
 
Ohmygoddess said:
Thing is, I know i want an open relationship and our issues right now is communication and the feeling that he wants to rush in and live this lifestyle without discussing rules or boundaries. For example, he refuses to use condoms. I know I can't live like that.
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Please read this out loud to yourself.

Communication may very well be a major problem, but it doesn't sound like your main issue. His actions are communicating very clearly.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I think you are trying to fly a kite that will not fly.

YOU

  • You want Open relationships.
  • You want clear communication

  • You want condoms used.


BOYFRIEND

  • He does not want relationships. And he's not doing so hot in cultivating the one with you.

  • Your BF sounds like he wants hook ups, esp FMF threesomes where he watches you and the other woman "perform" for his entertainment. Basically sounds like he wants you to be "his porn show" or something.

  • He does not want to wear condoms.

  • Any hint of a hook up? He dives into it trying to score so he gets "his show.” Even ignoring that he is presently on a DATE with you right now. You fight and make up over this behavior of his.

  • You are not comfortable with a potential and decline. He gets mad that you weren't going “through with it.” It seems he cares more about him getting “his show” than about your comfort and you being able to give joyous consent. You fight and make up.

  • You feel “guilty” about backing out of anything now and worried.... about what? That you will be MADE to perform in his show? :confused: You do/do not feel safe around this BF. (Physically safe, mentally safe, emotionally safe?)

  • You guys have an in-home date with wine, chatting and the promise to make love. Instead he passes out. Then later in online chatting he tells his friend that he is horny as hell but his girlfriend is slow on the sharing aspect. (Ie: He complains to his friend he's super horny and he still isn't getting “his show” from you. Like he's entitled to you putting out like that and you are withholding what rightfully belongs to him.)

  • His friend calls you a whore. Your BF does / does not tell his friend not to talk about you this way.

  • You do / do not feel respected by the BF.

  • You do / do not feel respected by his friend.

  • When you tell him about what you saw in that online chat, he seems to backpedal and tries to “soften” it rather than apologize for poor behavior. He still hoping he can sweet talk you or guilt you into giving him “his show?”


So now I am a mess of emotions and I feel as if I'm caught in a storm of jealousy that I can't get out of. The few people I have talked to just tell me to end the relationship because he's too selfish. Is only thinking about himself and what he wants.
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I think you could listen to your friends. How many people do you have to hear it from before you believe that/accept that?

Thing is, I know i want an open relationship and our issues right now is communication and the feeling that he wants to rush in and live this lifestyle without discussing rules or boundaries. For example, he refuses to use condoms. I know I can't live like that.*
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It sounds like he plays fast and loose and risky. Too fast and too loose and too risky for your comfort level. So you don't feel safe participating like that.

It sounds like you have already tried to communicate this with him. He is not willing or interested in changing any of his behaviors. Just keeps on pressuring you for his show.

So the problem is not communication. The problem is your willingness to leave a poor partner choices at this point in time.

I think you could choose to become willing to end it with him. He can go play with others fast and loose and risky all he wants. You don't have to be playing with him. You can choose to be free of all that stuff that you do not want.

You could move on to develop the open relationship that you DO want to have with a more respectful and more compatible partner than this one.

This is as condensed as I can get this. I just need help desperately as to what we may be doing wrong here.
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I think you are dating a person who is more interested in what he gets out of you (ie: “his show”) than treating you the way you want to be treated in Open relationships.

I think you could stop dating him and stop living together. Do not keep trying to fly a kite that will not fly.

Galagirl
 
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Hi ohmygoodness,

Gala girl has said so much that is good already, as have the others.

Here's what I wanted to add:

I have been in relationships before where I wasn't being treated well. It's really hard to see the truth of the matter when you're in the relationship, because you've learned to accept the other persons behaviour as normal. The problem is, that can erode away at your self esteem, which then means it's harder to muster the gumption (for want of a better word) to leave the relationship.

Given that, here's what I'd like to suggest:

Do anything you can which reminds you that you're a good person who deserves to be treated well, including listening to other people who can remind you of this.

Consider getting yourself some professional help to rebuild your sense of self. Sometimes you don't realise how much it's been eroded until you do this - and abusive relationships do erode sense of self.

Do some reading on abusive relationships. There are checklists online. I think you're in one.

Consider how this situation would look if you were to hear it from a friend, as in, a friend telling you 'I am with a partner who has done this and this and this' - how would you respond? Would you encourage someone you love to stay in such a relationship?

And lastly:

All of the things you want - a loving, open relationship. A partner who uses condoms and takes care of his and his partner's sexual health. Sexy threesomes or other fantasies acted out with respect and care. All of the things you want - you CAN have and you can have with care, with you being happy and moving at a pace you are comfortable with. However, maybe having those things with this person is not an option. And the longer you stay with him, the longer you don't actually get to the relationship you REALLY want. So, maybe instead of focusing on all the things that have gone wrong with this relationship, take it as an opportunity to offer yourself clarity about what you really want and focus on getting to that place.

Best wishes. Remember, you deserve good things.
 
Your issues don't really have much to do with polyamory, since your focus seems to be all about threesome sex with people you don't know very well, and not actual loving relationahips. Sure, setting up threesomes is open or swinging, but I'm not sure why you're posting on a poly forum. ::confused::

Nevertheless, it's rather shocking that your bf doesn't want to use condoms, especially given that he is willing to have sex with basically strangers. In 2016???

In addition, I just want to point out that you flip-flop a lot about what you want. Yes to Open, no to Mary, okay with something one minute, not okay and fighting the next.

Whatever. Your bf seems like a total ass and I think you should dump him. But I also think there is a bit of a lack of maturity on both your parts, and you would be better off if you developed skills in judgment when it comes to who you get involved with. Make better choices and don't let yourself get caught up in arguing over ridiculous bullshit. Develop your self-esteem, personal boundaries, and then defend them. I wish you well!
 
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Yeah, I think the OP's terminology threw some people off. I never thought of threesomes or foursomes as being an open relationship. It's still closed because you are only playing together. We always considered threesomes as just playing because we weren't looking for a unicorn or anything. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Playing is fun.

The biggest issue people here will identify with is the swinging with no condoms thing. I hate condoms too, but I'll use them with people whose sexual history I do not know.
 
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