Galagirl;: I pulled out before as I could see myself getting hurt and because I didn't want Alice doing anything she didn't want to do. I still really wanted it to work so when Alice approached me and said lets try again I said yes.
How were the potential hurts that you wanted to skip removed? And how did she assure you that this is something she
really wants to do?
I also told her my condition which was that she was only doing it for the right reasons ie: that she wanted to be with me and not to use me as a pawn with Honey.
And how do you know if she's telling the truth or not?
She told/convinced me this was the case and I believed her so I agreed to try again. She recently stepped up the dynamic which I'm more than happy about but I am wary.
Why are you wary?
She also mentioned to Honey that she feels second best and Honey has told me that she thinks its not just with her but with me so Honey suggested I up my game too and make her feel more special etc so I'm going to try and do that.
Does Alice like that stuff she tells Honey in private, Honey then goes on to tell you?
And does Alice like that Honey tells you what to do in the (Alice + You) relationship -- like telling you to up your game?
And what IS upping your game? Does it include setting firmer and clearer boundaries with these partners? Becoming a person of your Word? A decision to
stop contributing to the mixed messages and up and downy behavior? Like telling Honey to STOP telling you stuff Alice tells her in private? And telling Honey to leave your relationship with Alice up to you?
Then this morning we were all lying in bed and Honey says she's taking the dog for a walk. so she gets up to have a shower. Alice and I are chatting and Alice says "I think ill stay here and masturbate"! so I'm like "well if you need a hand?!", and then she says "well I don't think Honey would like that", we banter around a bit and I say"well if I ask Honey and she's ok are you up for it?", and she sort of smiles a and shrugs.
Do you realize this set up is like Honey is "queen bee" involved in
everything?
And that might be part of why Alice feels "second best" all the time? You both even ask Honey if it is ok to share sex together.
Each person could stand on their own two feet. Detangle some.
So the signs are there for this to work and I'm trying to be open-minded.
What are the signs that are there for this to work?
And how can you tell when it is NOT working and you need to stop? What have you determined your personal standard to be for what you will and will not put up with?
I'm sure it will all change by tomorrow!!!
Are you happy doing this up and down thing? Where things are different every morning?
So yesterday I mentioned to Alice that Honey was coming round to the idea that I possibly look to date someone else to relive the pressure on their relationship and to help me not feel left out.
Are you still thinking about dating other people who are NOT also involved with Honey?
Do you think dating other partners might work out simpler for you rather than this on-off thing struggling with wanting a GF in the lesbian partner of your wife?
From your first post...
I really care for them both and we have a great relationship outside the bedroom but I feel I need more with her to feel equal and included.
Is it that Honey has to up HER game in courting YOU? Rather than putting all her attention on Alice? Is that why you don't feel equal? You don't feel included in Honey's attention any more? Like ignored or left out in favor of the New Shiny Person? Do you and Honey talk about other stuff that is NOT Alice related any more?
If what you want is Honey's equal attention and to be included in Honey time? The solution is telling Honey what you need. Because only Honey can give you Honey attention and Honey time.
You dating Alice isn't going to give you more Honey attention or Honey Time.
And doing things in trio is not going to replace wanting to do things just (you+Honey).
Because (you + Honey + Alice) time is not the same as (you+ Honey) time.
I hope for your sake things work out in the triad how you want them to... ON.
Or you decided to bow out and stay out of it and let it be a V. OFF.
So you burdens ease one way or another.
I don't think flipping back and forth like on/off is a long term solution. That gets exhausting.
Galagirl
