It's a Texlahoma Story

Andy's new role at work is ... interesting... schedule-wise. He's either at the office until 9, or he comes home for dinner, sleeps two hours, and works from home until midnight. It's not a "new job, lots to catch up on" thing, either. It's a "half the people he deals with are in India" thing. He's sleep deprived and exhausted. And bitter about having to wear dressier clothes. To cheer himself up - I mean be more efficient - ;) - he finally got an Apple Watch. So on top of a husband who's cranky and rarely home, I'm adjusting to get another gadget beeping and dinging non stop.

I'm seeing Daredevil again tomorrow. He's simply awesome. But not simple. One of the most complicated people I've ever met. For someone who swore she wanted fun, uncomplicated sex, I am really bad at finding it. Daredevil - it could be something amazing. Life changing. Inspiring. Heartbreaking. Anything but easy. Do I want to risk that? Do I even have it in me to try?
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Daredevil - it could be something amazing. Life changing. Inspiring. Heartbreaking. Anything but easy. Do I want to risk that? Do I even have it in me to try?
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You seem to want to try, which is indeed seems a little misaligned with what you wrote before - but only on the surface. He certainly seems to speek to your wish to relate.
Do you feel the need to grow and have a life-changeing relationship? Or is this just another challenge? Trying to prove that Clair can deal with a difficult person?
 
Tinwen said:
You seem to want to try, which is indeed seems a little misaligned with what you wrote before - but only on the surface. He certainly seems to speek to your wish to relate.
Do you feel the need to grow and have a life-changeing relationship? Or is this just another challenge? Trying to prove that Clair can deal with a difficult person?
Click to expand...

Do I need something life changing? Or even want it? No. Hell no. And yet ... Maybe anything worthwhile is life altering in some way.

I should clarify that Daredevil himself is not "difficult". Nor is he asking me to do anything difficult. It's just that - he's an amazing person. Brilliant and fascinating and complex. With a whole life and a history and priorities and opinions and needs.

And - I like him. I care, already, about his happiness and well being. He is not someone I can slot into a role or stuff into a box. He's not a need-fulfillment machine, or a solution to a problem. He's Daredevil. He's himself.

So much of dating for me has been "i want x, y, and z" and trying to find the exact match for my list. With this guy - I don't care. I want him in my life, in some capacity, whether he checks all of my boxes or not. Never seeing him again would not be like breaking up with Clark or even Dag - it wouldn't be about questioning my reasons or being lonely. It would be missing this unique, wonderful, singular human being.

THAT is what is difficult. Taking that leap of faith, that risk of loss, or rather, facing the inevitability of loss when his life and mine go in different directions. Because it isn't like loving Andy, where I can simply say "I can't live without you, so I'm going to rearrange my life to be with you always." I have to care and yet accept that our lives may not always allow for us to be together.

Worth it? Who knows. I do know that nothing has felt this right or this natural since I first met Andy.
 
Apparently Andy's schedule is now ... Work 24 hours a day, every day. Like, get home at 9, eat dinner while answering emails, then calls until midnight. Because God forbid there is some overlooked Asian country where he doesn't have people to manage. When Steph got her big promotion a while back and suddenly had no time, Andy was frustrated. I should have been more sympathetic because damn, it sucks to be bored and lonely while your partner is crazy busy.

I did a very un-Claire thing last night and went back on okc. I'm still head over heels about Daredevil - too head over heels. I need a sanity check, or at least a reminder that there are other men in the world. Possibly ones who don't, through no fault of their own, hit every anxiety trigger that I have.

He's so amazing. So fascinating. And soooo NOT what I need right now.

I'm trying to remember that my options are not limited to 1) dive headfirst off the cliff into a serious relationship with Daredevil and 2) never see Daredevil again. There's also 3) be platonic friends and 4) be friends who hook up occasionally. He may or may not be interested in either of those options, but I can draw my boundary wherever I want. If I need to say, hey, I am crazy about you, but I need to limit our time together and continue to date others so I don't lose my mind trying to be your SuperGirl, I can say that. How he reacts or answers is up to him.
 
Lately I wonder if I should go back to therapy. I haven't in years, because I mostly felt like life was stable-ish, and also after over a decade of therapy all together, I had the tools to manage my issues. And both my GP and my gynecologist are awesome about handling any mood issues that crop up with antidepressants and/or tweaks to my birth control. But over the past couple of years I find myself running into the same issue over and over, and I don't have any clue how to deal with it.

I feel like there is some Decent Human Being Code that I don't always understand, or fail to live by, or something. Like there are unspoken rules and obligations and protocols that I never learned... Ways "good" people handle things, react to things, balance things. While I just stumble along making messes and hurting people.

It's a dating / relationshipping thing, really. I think I do fine with work, and with family and friends. And in my marriage. I know how to *be* in those situations. I (kind of, mostly) know what is and isn't expected of me as a wife, a friend, a co-worker, an employee, a daughter. I move through those parts of my life confidently, I don't screw up often, and when I do, I have good ideas on how to make things right again.

Dating, though... Fwb... New romantic relationships... I'm LOST. It's not just that I don't know the "rules". It's that I feel the wrong things, think the wrong things. Every situation, it's like - over here is what a kind, good human would feel and do, and waaaay over there, as far away from the good person action as possible, is what I want to do.

Am I making any sense here? I wish I had better words to explain it. It's like every single day, there is some situation where my reaction makes me go "god damn I am an evil selfish bitch". Like, if anyone ever admitted to feeling the way I feel, the general consensus would be evil, selfish bitch. Shitty human. Bad person. And I don't know what is wrong with me, that I'm so horrible, and I think I'm just ruining everything for everyone.

I get stuck, I don't know whether to do the "right" thing and be miserable, or do what I want and make others miserable. I feel like everyone else knows how to somehow date without anyone ending up miserasble. Without just being awful. I don't. I wish I did.
 
Ok. An example, because I think I am not making any sense.

Friend Situation

I invited D along on my long weekend with Andy, then regretted doing that. I love her, but sometimes her anxiety and my anxiety feed off each other, and things that should be easy, like picking a restaurant, get stressful and complicated. My feelings here... They seem ok. I love my friend, but I'd rather have the time alone with my husband. Well within the realm of normal human feelings.

I know that uninviting D would hurt her feelings, probably to the point of causing a rift in our friendship. So I'm going to suck it up, accept the consequences of my poorly thought out invitation, and spend a couple of days with her there. I'll make the most of my time alone with Andy before she arrives, and I'll think before I invite next time. I have considered my options and this is the best one. Again, I look at this, and I think, yeah, I'm behaving like a regular human here.

Dating Situation

I've been on 4 dates with Daredevil, and I don't want a romantic relationship with him. Friendship, yes, absolutely, he's a great guy. But his life is complicated, he has a lot of serious stuff going on, and I feel completely overwhelmed thinking about a sexual thing with him.

Here, it's like, am I just a COMPLETE ASSHOLE? Rejecting someone because - life is complicated? Really? God I'm a shitty person. Plus, I'm attracted to him, physically, so shouldn't I want sex with him? How can I have enjoyed making out yet prefer to ... Not make out anymore? Wtf is wrong with me.

I am looking at my options for handling this and ... I could continue to date him, despite the fact that it's sending my anxiety through the roof. I could be honest and tell him... What, exactly? "I'm sorry, I'm a selfish bitch, and I don't want to date anyone who has had bad luck in life?"

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. This is where I feel like... A decent person a) wouldn't avoid a relationship because of life events he can't control and b) wouldn't have gone on 4 dates before figuring that out and c) would know exactly how to explain everything without hurting him. My feelings seem WRONG, and I think somehow along the way my behavior must have been WRONG, or I wouldn't be here, but... I'm stuck, again, in that "wow I'm a bitch and I have to go be horrible to someone who doesn't deserve it" place. :(
 
Totally feel ya. I have thought about looking for a counselor or something, too. I feel like I have done some of the preliminary work by thinking, processing, trying to track back my issues to where they might have been written into my mind as a kid and all that sort of thing. But when it comes to "ok...so we understand the problems, now how in the heck do I FIX them...?" I'm lost on that. Just left hanging. No clue. And I worry too about not being like other people, understanding how the game should be played, or if I am doing it all wrong.
 
I think I have figured out a big part of my dating confusion and frustration...

In my head, there is a pretty big time window between having a first date and being in a relationship. No matter how attracted you are to someone, no matter how well you get along with them, it still takes time to figure out if you're compatible. Sexual chemistry, communication styles, schedules, really there are dozens of things that need to mesh well for a relationship to work. I can't tell from one date, or even half a dozen, if there's long term potential.

But lately, I feel like I'm not getting that decision making period :confused: It's like dudes assume we're "in a relationship" after a date or two. Where is that window of being able to say, "no thanks! good luck!" without having a Big Official Break Up ???

I have a sense that part of it is related to non monogamy. If you're dating with the hope of finding a mono life partner, you're cautious. Commitment is a big risk, it means giving up on all other opportunities (at least for a while) and probably rearranging your life for this person in significant ways. With poly... It's like there's this attitude of, well, it doesn't cost me anything to commit to you, so why the hell not commit. You can still date others. You can still go weeks without finding time for each other. You don't have to contemplate bringing them home at Christmas or dealing with their kids/pets/annoying habits on a daily basis.

So many times I have found myself in a place where, after a few weeks or a few months, I'm just ... Not really feeling it. And it seems like it should be a simple matter of "you're great, but I don't see us working long term, if you'd like to stay friends, cool, keep in touch." Yet the guy is like - REALLY UPSET. I've been accused of leading them on, using them, stuff like that. Or, they want to talk, work on it, fix it. Fix what? We've spent a total of 6 hours together. There's no relationship to fix!

I simply want to DATE people. Maybe just one at a time, maybe schedule 3 first dates in a week, but DATE. Get to know someone and spend time together and yes, maybe even have sex - without feeling like I have inadvertently promised to be their Official Serious Girlfriend. I might well be up for that, eventually, but I don't know right away! And I don't know how to figure out if I'm up for that without having that *dating* period.
 
Thanks for sharing

Hope I'm not even further out then you! I maybe labeled horribly..Lol
I consider myself a great judge of character in a good first contact! Yeah, obviously that be flawed ..Lol
That said.... Getting to know someone takes time, cycles of time that maybe years, or full seasons of ones personal cycle! I always hope and look for personalities that can be as objective and balanced as me, depending on mood, but I'm not perfect by any stretch.
So, as it were .. Life goes on enjoyable for the most part we would hope!
What is a good dating cycle in terms of time for you, months, years, with at least 20 dates?
I'll have to think about my cycle now, lol
 
Hey GFT,
I completely commiserate. It's very hard for men though I think- for them even with poly (or maybe more so?) They feel they have to compete with other men, (especially if they are new to poly or mono), and it's like they are still working on those scripts. Take her off OKC immediately! Get intimate quickly- establish we *are a thing* right away. I, like you , want to just date, and have no pressure on knowing in the first week or two, or even month or two. Maybe by 6 months I tend to have an idea if I want to go forward..

I am sorry you're getting so much pressure to be a thing with all these people. It explains the dilemma exactly. I think now you'll be able to better tell men to just slow it down and chill.

I've personally had about 5 different men after the first/second time of sex tell me they love me and I am the one. Whoa. Too fast too soon. :)
 
I've only had a couple or three men tell me they love me way too soon. I am starting to get a distance from a man's NRE to the point where I am almost amused and pitying of them. Like, "Aw, bless his heart, he thinks he loves me when he just likes the sex and his hormones are raging."

I guess I find it amusing because in our culture men are supposed to control their emotions almost to the point of not having any, yet these guys can go all hog wild on us after a couple dates and good sex.

Like this Steve that I've been dating... early on he started telling me he loves and even adores me, I am his "ideal woman," but as soon as I got sick from the chemo and told him also that him having moved 40 miles away from me was a problem, now he won't even answer my texts. I was only ideal as long as I did all the driving and was available whenever he wanted for whatever activities he decreed. Blah!
 
Thanks guys - it does help to hear that I'm not the only one who needs a little time before getting invested in someone new.

I hate turning dates into interviews - much prefer just letting the conversation go wherever - so sometimes it's a few dates before I learn even the basic stuff about someone. Which is fine! As long as everyone understands that we are still in the "learning about each other, deciding if there's anything worth pursuing" phase.

But ... I dunno... It's like some dudes think I have broken some cardinal rule of humaning by going out with them a few times and then not wanting to have a relationship. I do think part of it is that they're all caught up in nre and hormones. And part of it is that poly guys have a hard time meeting women, so 3 dates might be the closest they've gotten to a long term relationship in a while.

I'm trying to figure out how to handle this with Daredevil. I think he's AMAZING and I don't want to be inconsiderate of his feelings. But what I've realized is that he is not a good fit for me as a boyfriend/fwb. Hanging out with him is wonderful but it still leaves me craving a low key, low maintenance fwb. Because he's not that. So trying to be more than platonic friends with Daredevil... I'd be right where I already am, searching okc for a fun fwb, but with even less time and energy to offer said potential guy.

Right now Daredevil and I are still texting, but I've stopped with the kissy faces and flirting, and he has followed suit. Maybe we will naturally drift into friendship? I'm thinking that if/when he suggests meeting in person again, I'll explain that I don't see us working as romantic partners, and just see if he's still interested in hanging out.

Until then I'm just trying not to feel like a sneaky cheater for scheduling dates with other people. Ugh. For fucks sake. Four dates and some kissing with zero talk of commitment or exclusivity. I should not feel guilty about this.
 
Just keep telling yourself, your body and time are a *gift*, that you choose to freely give or not.

That helps me to explain it to guys. And i'm totally guilty of rushing in the past, so it is possible its NRE/hormones. But at the same time,

Your body is a gift.... :) (HUG)


Mags: I'm getting to this point too. It's been such a refreshing thing to date someone sure of themselves who doesn't fall all over themselves in the first date that anything else feels clingy and desperate..:)

It's a new phenomena for me. :rolleyes:
 
starlight1 said:
Just keep telling yourself, your body and time are a *gift*, that you choose to freely give or not.
Click to expand...

I like this :)

I'm getting better about the body side of things... Slowly but surely... I'm past feeling like I owe someone sex after x number of dates... I've managed to date at least a dozen guys without sleeping with them, or feeling bad about not sleeping with them. And I'm working on the part about believing I deserve *good* sex. I agonized over not wanting to continue having sex with Clark ... But I stuck to it. Me from a few years ago would have suffered months of disappointing sex before finding the courage to walk.

The time thing, though - I have this mentality that my time belongs to everyone EXCEPT me. I prioritize work and Andy, and then divide the rest between friends/dates/projects, and if there's an hour a week left over, that's the time I think of as "mine". In my head it's all about what needs to get done, who needs what, how to juggle everything. I rarely (ok, never) stop and think about what I'd enjoy doing with my time. Actually, the closest I ever come to that is when I have time allocated to something (date night with Andy, exercising the dogs) and I think about where to go. Like, choosing a movie for date night, or deciding to take the dogs to the beach. That's something, right? But it's not quite the same, because I'm not really giving myself any say in who I spend time with, just how we spend it.

I have a first date today, and another next week, fingers crossed one of both of the guys are cool.

Whoa.

Time out, hold on, look at me - faking happy on my own damn blog.

I have been wanting to cancel today's date since I woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm exhausted, and honestly, this guy... I don't think we have much in common, the chats and emails have been boring, and he's mentioned his super impressive job title in a daily basis, never a good sign. I'm super super excited about the other guy, and I'm already seeing Today Guy as just a date to endure. And yet I'm going, because I said I would, and I'm like that. Blech.
 
If you want to cancel, cancel. I think prioritizing yourself starts with one small step. If you don't feel like going, don't go. Declare it Claire day and do something for yourself, instead :) (Or at least something for someone else that you think you'll enjoy ;))
 
I often get that "ugh, now I don't wanna go do that thing" feeling when I have plans, and the way I handle it is to instead do something important that needs to get done. Like there is ALWAYS life-work to do, whether it's housework or admin work or an art project, right? So then I don't feel as bad because I'm like, "Well yeah, it sucks I canceled, but I really have been needing to get this other thing done."

I feel less guilt for canceling plans then.
 
Well THAT was interesting :cool:

I got to the bar right on time, didn't see anybody who looked like the okc guy, so I texted to tell him I was there. He replied he's stuck in traffic. Ok, whatever, I said I'd grab a table in the patio and see him soon. Fifteen minutes later (!!!) he writes back that he had to drive someone to the airport and traffic is terrible but he'll be there soon. I say, no problem, but if you need to reschedule for another day, we can do that. No response.

After another fifteen minutes, so half an hour after we were supposed to meet, I paid for my drink and texted him that it didn't seem like we'd have time to get to know each other today, so we should just reschedule. And I headed home.

I get home and feed the dogs and change, and my phone beeps - the guy saying he's walking into the bar!!!! Over an hour late!!! Dude... Wtf? I was polite - responded to tell him I had gone home - but c'mon. An hour late? No. Who on earth would still be sitting at a bar, waiting on a first date who's that late and hasn't even texted in 45 minutes?

And guys wonder why they have trouble finding girlfriends :rolleyes: At least it wasn't anybody I had high hopes for!
 
I'd either ghost on him, or tell him you just aren't feeling it. Short and sweet and then bye Felicia.
 
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