It’s been two months and things are not good

F

Funguy1234

New member
My wife and I have been ENM for eight years or so. She recently wanted to start a poly relationship. I said OK. The first week I was very supportive. Then I saw them together. I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tried to be strong and waited another week, but it didn’t get better.

I told her I needed her to stop. She said it was too late. She continues to see this man several times a week, against my wishes.

I am extremely depressed, I have lost 35 pounds and I have been put on anxiety meds because of panic attacks caused by their relationship. I was perfectly happy before this. Now I am jealous, and insecure, and a completely different person than I was two months ago.

She still refuses to stop seeing him and says she doesn’t see it ending anytime soon. How do I handle this?? Neither of us want to break up with each other, and still love each other very much.
 
You and your wife have been practicing ethical non-monogamy for eight years. By that, it sounds like you mean causal sex only with no feelings allowed. Is that right?

And now she has "fallen in love." She is deep in the throes of NRE, new relationship energy, and you feel neglected?

Try reading this "poly hell" article and see if it reflects your situation.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
 
I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
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Can you elaborate on this? What is it precisely that's eating you up/making you panic? What is your worst fear? Because it doesn't seem like she's about to break up with you, so you aren't going to "lose" her, so what's the actual core of your distress? Could this help find them:
 
Hello Funguy1234,

It is hard when your wife has feelings for someone else. You said you were ENM for eight years; I gather then that this is the first time either of you has been emotionally involved with a sexual partner. If so, this is new territory for you, and it is going to be difficult. After just two months, your wife is deeply involved with this other man, and if she were to stop now, it would hurt her terribly, and it would hurt the other man just as much. You are in the unfortunate position of having to adjust to the new dynamic if you can. You and your wife love each other profoundly, so divorce is off the table.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Clearly, you are in "poly hell." Why stay in a relationship that feels bad? If you can't eat or enjoy your life, it's a clear sign it's time to move on. You don't have to do poly if you don't want to, but that means leaving your wife to find someone who isn't in love with someone else. She's made it clear she's not changing.
 
LoveBunny said:
Clearly, you are in "poly hell." Why stay in a relationship that feels bad? If you can't eat or enjoy your life, it's a clear sign it's time to move on. You don't have to do poly if you don't want to, but that means leaving your wife to find someone who isn't in love with someone else. She's made it clear she's not changing.
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I wouldn't put this in such black-and-white terms. We have had people come here who have transitioned to polyamory from swinging. It's not an uncommon phenomenon at all. Some people are cut out to be swingers, and can separate fun sex and friendship from romantic love. Others begin as swingers, enjoying casual sex and socializing, but then one person comes along who rings all their bells and bam! It's love. And they now love two people, their spouse and the new sex partner turned lover.

Then of course, both the person in love, and the spouse, have to make a difficult transition. But it's much harder for the spouse, because they are not the ones riding the high of NRE. Hence why I shared the "poly hell" article.

I hope Funguy shares the article with his wife, she takes it in, and realizes how she's hurting Funguy, and agrees to proceed with more caring and sensitive behavior.

I'd also recommend a poly-friendly therapist, who could help this couple talk over what's happening, and make some changes to smooth the transition, if possible.

It is possible that the wife is actually monoamorous, if polysexual, and has fallen out of love with Funguy as she falls for the new guy. This can happen. But I truly hope that's not the case. (It happened to me, with my ex-husband, and I got as depressed as Funguy now is.)
 
Funguy1234 said:
My wife and I have been ENM for eight years or so. She recently wanted to start a poly relationship. I said OK. The first week I was very supportive. Then I saw them together. I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tried to be strong and waited another week, but it didn’t get better.

I told her I needed her to stop. She said it was too late. She continues to see this man several times a week, against my wishes.

I am extremely depressed, I have lost 35 pounds and I have been put on anxiety meds because of panic attacks caused by their relationship. I was perfectly happy before this. Now I am jealous, and insecure, and a completely different person than I was two months ago.

She still refuses to stop seeing him and says she doesn’t see it ending anytime soon. How do I handle this?? Neither of us want to break up with each other, and still love each other very much.
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Hi there,

I’m so sorry this happened to you. If it’s any comfort, my partner did the same thing after our first encounter. I went through a very similar heart break period, and then it stopped. For me it stopped because I found a way to enjoy the distance and felt more independent. However, it took a few months and I felt like I was losing my mind, but it stopped.

Please take care of yourself!
 
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