It's Complicated...

S

SilverGoddess

New member
I am brand new to the concept of polyamory, and am trying to navigate a potentially sticky situation; any advice is greatly appreciated.

My was-band's brother is a long-time poly. He and his wife each have a secondary, and their secondaries also have primaries. (Forgive me if I don't have the terminology right...)

Anyway, the opportunity has presented itself for he and I to have a "Friends With Benefits" situation, which appeals to me, but I'm worried about the potential fallout if his family (my former inlaws) find out what's going on between us.

Thoughts?
 
"Was-band"...never heard that before, but I like it.

That does sound like a sticky situation. I think the in-law situation is the brother's thing to deal with. He knows what he would be getting into. How would the was-band feel about it? Are there kids involved?
 
I don't really care how the was-band would feel about it. (We divorced because of his cheating.)

Mostly, I just don't want to be the topic of conversation among the inlaws.

There are "kids" involved, in that I have 4 children with the was-band. But they are 24, 23, 20, and 16, so not really "kids" anymore.
 
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I guess it depends on how crucial it is a maintain a good relationship with was-band (I like that!) & Co and how much nuisance value they have. For example, shared assets or custody of children, common close social circles, etc could require keeping things uncomplicated. If they don't have any power over you, I guess even if they are pissed off, it is your potential partner's headache, not yours.

Given that they have one son who cheated and another who is poly, unless they have issues with you in particular, I don't imagine your situation in itself would bother them if the rest doesn't.

Even if you are the topic of conversation between in-laws, how does it matter?
 
SilverGoddess said:
I don't really care how the was-band would feel about it. (We divorced because of his cheating.)

Mostly, I just don't want to be the topic of conversation among the inlaws.

There are "kids" involved, in that I have 4 children with the was-band. But they are 24, 23, 20, and 16, so not really "kids" anymore.
Click to expand...

I'm not the sort to care what others are saying about me. Since the kids aren't an issue, I would go for it.
 
Hi SilverGoddess,

My first thought was to suggest you try to keep your relationship with the brother under wraps, but then it occurred to me that secrets don't keep well in a rumor mill. Maybe if you are open about it, and don't make a big deal about it, they won't either, at least after the first round of gossip circulates.

Hope that helps ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I know some people go from brother to brother. It can be kinda like, subliminally, oh he reminds me of my ex... only he's different. Or it can seem a bit incestuous. There is one woman who posted here a bit who has a huge crush on her BIL even though she is still happily married to her h. The BIL lives with them. So far, she hadn't told her h she wants to have sex with his brother.

I'd say that there are so many nuances to it all, we aren't really qualified to give advice.
 
Ultimately the decision lies with you.

To me? If it's complicated and you are worried? Skip it so you don't have to deal in any worries. There's enough other people in the world to be FWB with. Your former BIL is not the only guy up for that.

Galagirl
 
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