it's so hard to find someone

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esarati300

New member
me and my wife is in a poly relationship and she have four other guys. for me i can't even find one person to be in a relationship. i don't even need to have sex with them. i am fine just to cuddle if thats what they want. girls don't really give guys a chance. the thing is im a real nice person. seems like guys that have money and the bad boy types get girls left and right. it helps if you have the looks too. im just an avarage guy with a big heart, that cares about the other person. girls don't want the avarage guy anymore it seems. i try to ask ever girl i have met in some way to have a poly relationship. but all of them say the same thing. like i got out of a relationship or i only date who lives with me. one had a guy and she still turn me down. i just think i don't have any luck and i should give up on trying. i have been looking for about 8 months i would say. i do give everyone a chance and i don't care about looks. i wish girls were more open. i just wonder if you get better luck if you live somewhere like new york. i am in virginia. so if you try to find someone here, good luck! i think you need moves like mc jagger! (like the song) anyone else have this problem?
 
People can sense desperation and it's not attractive. If you're literally asking every woman you know about the possibility of having a relationship with you, it comes off like you don't care who you have a relationship with, you just want someone, anyone. I know it sounds counterintuitive to say that you should ask fewer people out when your goal is to date someone, but it's healthy to have standards and people will respect you more for it. It will also make them feel more special if they sense you're asking them out of a deep personal interest in them, not just because they're female and have a pulse.

If your wife has four boyfriends, does she have any time for you? Maybe instead of focusing on finding a girlfriend if one isn't forthcoming right now, you and your wife should re-focus on making sure your marriage is working for both of you. I'm not saying she should break up with her bf's, just that if you're fulfilled and secure and having your needs met in your marriage maybe it won't trouble you so much that you're not dating outside of it, so make sure you two are spending enough time together.

As for how to meet women, focus on living a dynamic, busy life where you can make new friends and be social, and let romance develop from friendship if you happen to meet the right woman -- but don't force it!
 
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Tough Love

Oh... my... god... lol, sorry buddy, but you are soooo screwed.

You can redefine and redefine all you want, but this polyamory umbrella under which you're trying to hide will not protect you from the rain.

It's completely none of my business, but I'm still too curious to refrain from asking: Do those four guys all know about each other? Do they know about you? And do you know the answers to those questions, with certainty, because your wife told you and you believe her (an honorable trait it is to trust, but if given blindly it will, by definition, leave you vulnerable to abuse), or have the six of you had some sort of get together where everybody gets to know who everybody else is?

girls don't really give guys a chance.
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This is a factually incorrect statement. Basically, eaeaRRRn!!

In my experience, girls like guys, so they always give guys a chance. Now I don't mean to upset you, but there's no soft way to say this: just because the girls aren't giving YOU a chance doesn't mean "girls don't really give guys a chance." Trust me, girls like guys. Period.

the thing is im a real nice person. seems like guys that have money and the bad boy types get girls left and right. it helps if you have the looks too. im just an avarage guy with a big heart, that cares about the other person.
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I believe you. I believe that you are a nice guy. What you seem to be confusing though, is being nice for being attractive. That old granny down the street is probably a very nice person, possibly with a very big heart, who also cares about other people. Do you want to cuddle with HER?

One of my pet peeves is when people, usually men who aren't getting laid, swear that guys need money to "get girls left and right." This is such a gross, unnerving oversimplification of what really goes on.

Good looks don't hurt, but they won't help you either. Trust me.

girls don't want the avarage guy anymore it seems.
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Wait... how long was I out? There was a time in human history where girls preferred average guys? Well I'll be darned. Somebody must have not sent me the memo.

i try to ask ever girl i have met in some way to have a poly relationship. but all of them say the same thing. like i got out of a relationship or i only date who lives with me. one had a guy and she still turn me down. i just think i don't have any luck and i should give up on trying. i have been looking for about 8 months i would say. i do give everyone a chance and i don't care about looks. i wish girls were more open. i just wonder if you get better luck if you live somewhere like new york. i am in virginia. so if you try to find someone here, good luck! i think you need moves like mc jagger! (like the song) anyone else have this problem?
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You are a LIAR! If you truly didn't care about looks or having sex, you would just as easily be asking every man you meet, in some way, to have a poly relationship with you. And don't try to brush it off by saying it's the femininity and emotional nature of women that you're really after; there are many feminine guys out there who crave an emotional connection with someone (most of society refers to them as homosexuals, lol, whatever, gotta leave the jokes out--I've already been too much of an asshole).

It sounds to me like the dilemma you're facing has absolutely NOTHING, nothing AT ALL to do with "polyamory."

One last piece of advice: The people on this forum, so far as I've seen, are relatively gentle, well-collected, and at least leaning towards being open minded about things unfamiliar to them...

But if you go around asking random women who are already in a sexual relationship with another man whether or not they want to be in a poly relationship with you, yeah, in the real world, you're gonna get your ass kicked. Be careful and show consideration.
 
Socio,

As Sam Kinison said in a movie once....I like the way you think....I'm goin to keep an eye on you. Very much agree with what you said.

Easrati

Do you wear a wedding ring while out on a mission? Well don't.

How does your wife have time for 4 bf. how is that scheduled.

Where did she find them? Have we had the safe sex talk?
 
Esarati300, I think you should consider just making friends and expanding your circles, doing activities you enjoy (hiking? wine tasting? volunteerism?) and getting to know people, male and female. You'll be in a much better position to find women with similar interests with whom you can share a bond. Also, a busy, happy person who is enjoying life is usually much more attractive to the opposite sex.

It sounds right now that you'd just like to have sex with someone, anyone, to catch up with your wife. Asking every woman you know to go out with you, regardless of their looks or pretty much any other characteristic seems a little suspect. It also gives women the impression that you don't really care about her, specifically, and if she won't have you anyone else would do. Not attractive.

Making blanket generalizations like "women like guys with money" or "women like jerks" also won't get you too far with the opposite sex. Don't assume that women just aren't "open" enough to want to have sex with a "nice" guy like you. You have to look at how you're coming across, because you're the common denominator in all these rejections.

If you send enough viagra spam emails out, eventually someone will buy some. Starting relationships with women, however, doesn't work using the same principle!

Your wife seems to be seeing a lot of men. I don't mean that statement to seem judgemental. I just wonder how she has the time! Most of those relationships must be more casual in nature. Does it make you feel like you have to catch up?
 
I agree with many points above.

Women sense desperation.

Women like guys who are charismatic.

Generalizing "I can't get a date" to "women don't give guys a chance" is unfair.

Asking every woman you meet for a poly relationship? That's your tactic? Really!??! Well no wonder it isn't working! When's the last time any person got into a successful relationship by asking a perfect stranger if she would become his new girlfriend?

Uhm, lower your expectations. Start with asking women out for a coffee. Offer to come to the mall with her and accompany her while she shops for shoes and dresses. Wait outside the dressing room for an hour while she tries on 15 outfits and then doesn't even buy one of them. Those are the kinds of things that are going to make them see what a sweet guy you are.
 
I agree with much that has been said in response to the OP. I can only add my own experience which is, on the surface, similar.

I'm a married guy in my 40s, which would seem to present a pretty high obstacle to me "finding someone"; my wife has had dates with a number of other guys and developed to "cuddle-buddy" status with some of them.

I've had several "coffee dates" with each of two women, neither of whom is, realistically, much of a prospect for anything beyond occasional chats over coffee (though I am keenly interested in venturing beyond that with one of them, in particular.)

So, by that measure, I've fallen behind! My wife is winning!

But, seriously, it's not a race.

I've written it before, elsewhere in these forums, but it's really a matter of attitudes and expectations. When my wife and I first agreed to open our marriage, I thought my next step, my mission, would be to acquire a girlfriend.

I very quickly started laughing at myself for thinking of it that way. Really, sometimes, a pleasant chat over coffee really is the point, a chat in which I don't have to worry about conventional strictures on married men in interacting with women who are not their wives. In that respect, it's liberating and uncomplicated, even if I never end up having a girlfriend or a lover or even a cuddle-buddy.

There may be sexual tension, or a keen interest in developing a deeper, more intimate connection with someone, or a mad, smoldering crush, but, really, what's the rush?

After all, my relationship with my wife didn't develop overnight.

That's another story, but developing our relationship was a very long process of patience and generosity and steadfast friendship. It helped that I could dance (contra dance and, at first, a little East Coast swing and a smattering of salsa) but only because that was a community activity we enjoyed and shared in together, not because my dancing was all that impressive in itself (it wasn't, and isn't). It was the dance community that brought us into contact with one another, and we still dance together (now mostly contra dance, along with some English country dance) nearly every week, to this day.

There's a lesson in that. You don't have to go dancing, but, as others have said, getting involved with activities that you can share with other people is a good first step . . . and maybe even something that can involve your wife and one or more of her other guys? It could give context and community to your relationships that might help ease some of the desperation you seem to be feeling.
 
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hyperskeptic said:
Really, sometimes, a pleasant chat over coffee really is the point, a chat in which I don't have to worry about conventional strictures on married men in interacting with women who are not their wives. In that respect, it's liberating and uncomplicated, even if I never end up having a girlfriend or a lover or even a cuddle-buddy.
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That's very true. I feel the same. Although I'm female and there are always guys messaging me on OKC, it's not easy to develop a serious relationship either. But interacting with different people (either online or in person) is interesting enough. :) Even close friendship is not easy to find, let alone relationship, and even poly relationship? So enjoy the process and no rush. ;)
 
It almost sounds like you're competing with your wife or trying to even the score, instead of just looking for someone you like. No one wants to feel they are just being used to get back at a spouse, and if you mention your wife's four boyfiends, I bet thats what the women you've approached are thinking.
Even women who like sex want to feel special. They want to feel like you recognise some quality in them thats unique, something that might be overlooked by the average person, beyond simply "you're nice" or "you're pretty." So you really have to pay attention, and it has to be genuine.
Some women might be impressed by money, but if thats all they care about, who wants to be with someone like that anyway? Most women only want to know that you are motivated enough to keep a roof over your head and wont hit them up for a loan. If you're enthusiatic about your life, your hobbies and interests, even if they aren't the same as hers, that's an even more attractive quality. Talk about things you've never done that you'd like to do some day. Ask her the same.
You say you're not choosy, but maybe the problem is you aren't choosy enough. If she isn't someone you'd sincerely like to hang out with or would want to talk to for any length of time, she'll sense it and run.
 
cheryl i am not competing with my wife. i do understand girls have it easy to find a guy just like that, with no problems. i do try to find people online that look like a great person, but no one ever gets back to me. i use sites like okcupid,myfreedating site and pof. sometimes cl. when i message a girl, i talk about me and let them know i have a wife. i don't say how many guys she have. thats ture, i would not want to be with a girl that just want my money. i like to give girls a chance. but i do see if i can hang out with her or not. im good at judging how a person is. "how you look is how you are" just a saying. SchrodingersCat i don't ask for a relationship right off the back. i just ask if they would like to hang out. i know you have to go into it slow and not try to rush things. i try to talk online for awhile and if everything goes well, we can can meet. but i think i need to find somone, like walking up to them. online just don't work for me. plus girls get so many offers, it's pretty much playing lottery. MichelleZed i agree with you. i do need to make friends and make a bigger circle. i do go on a website called meetup.com i think that would be the best place to meet some new people. i have to get back into that. sex is not everything to me and im not trying to catch up to my wife. i am fine with just one other person. i know it will take some time, but i will have to wait. my wife makes time with them. she don't see all four guys all in the same day. she just plans ahead. we still spend plenty of time together. dingedheart i never got that far where i did not wear my wedding ring. but it seems like if you lie and say you are single, you will get far. if you say you have a wife, the other girl will not like that too much. they pretty much shut you down. they think the wife will cause drama. but thats not always the case. my wife scheduled to see her 4 boyfriends by phone or email. usally she see one every thursday and the other on sundays. sometimes he come over for awhile to say hi. the other one is very rare she sees, so it's once in a bluemoon. the forth one is not there as much. so it work out good. she found two from a poly meeting and the other one from okcupid. the last one from cl. yes we have talked about safe sex. always use protection! that should be a must in the poly world. Sociopath all 4 guys no about each other and know about me. you have to be open in poly. you know not all girls will give you a chance. it's always a gamble. for others im sure they give chances too. i agree. i doubt im saying the right thing and i do say i have a wife. then i took it off, but still the same results. i think its my looks to be honest. but life goes on. good looks will get you very far and it would be crazy easy to find someone fast. just being honest. i mean who says i want a ugly girl? it just don't happen like that. looks are a big deal. for now i will just wait for the right time, if that will ever happen. i thank everyone for helping me and it did make me think different. i like to see other people views on things.
 
Esarati300,

I can feel your pain. I am not going to address the issues with your wife, others have already done. I'd chime in on the dating issue. Being a guy who gets passed over by women all the time can be quite frustrating. And the more frustrated one gets, the harder is to not look "desperate."

There is a book you may be interested in: it is "How to succeed with women" by Ron Louis and David Copeland. Yes, it sounds like a cheesy title, but there are some interesting psychological insights in it. One is (which I had not thought about earlier) that people sometimes honestly think that they want a certain thing (such as a kind of relationship) while in reality they want something completely different. For example, almost every profile on OKCupid reads that "intellect is very important." :)

Another interesting point was how guys must be "fun and easy to be around" in order to hope for success. I notice that I often get too serious and this is not seen as fun by others.

My wife (Athena on this board) and I have an open relationship. Because of jobs, I am by myself in Manhattan for the week. One would think being by myself in such a pace would make it so easy to "find women" that the cops will been to come and enforce order among all those waiting in line to see me. Well, this is not the case.

I have a profile on OKCupid (PM me if anyone wants to see it) and in the last month I wrote to about 40 people. In each message I pointed to something in their profile to show that I have read it and that there is some common ground to go forward. In most cases I wrote to women who did not have "must be single" in their ads. Guess what? Only ONE answered. What is even worse, is that only about 10 people had looked at my page, even though I messaged 40. People are hitting "delete" without even checking my profile. So, it might appear to a "guy" that "women do not answer." The truth is that women do answer, but when 100 guys write to every woman in a week, she would answer maybe 5.

The sad part is that when you get no response no matter what, you begin to wander what is wrong with your approach and try to force a change. Thus, a guy can make things worse before a workable approach has yielded any fruit.

Finally, a thought about the "nice guy" issue. On a swingers' board I read once that many women with long term successful marriages are indeed married to "nice guys" and are looking something "more wild" to play with.

Good luck!
 
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I am on OKC and I noticed something immediately about you. If I got a message from you:

1. I would be turned off if you immediately talked about your wife. It's well enough if it's on your profile, as it should be. But I'd rather you not talk about her right away as it makes you sound clingy and perhaps a bit insecure.

2. A lot of people judge people on how they portray themselves through how they communicate online. I notice that you don't consistently use proper capitalization, punctuation, grammar, or accurate spelling. Now, I will admit that these things are important to me and perhaps not important to everyone. But if I get several messages in my inbox and decline to respond to some of them, the first ones I will pick to ignore are the people who will not take the time to write clearly and properly. You can get free addons for your browser to spellcheck for you, so there is really no excuse for that. As far as proper capitalization, punctuation, and grammar - it is just a matter of practicing.

Use this as you will and good luck!
 
I dont know much about those dating websites. I've looked at them and they kind of creep me out. I don't know if the people are real, if their pictures are real, or what they are really after. If you're going to meet people on line, you might even be better off on discussion website that has nothing to do with sex or hooking up, in my opinion. The internet is cool in that you get the chance to meet and talk to people you might not even consider "your type" at first glance.

Some one once told me if you want to change your life, don't quit your job or get divorced or move far away. Just start changing a lot of little things. Eat lunch at a different place or a different time. Drive a different route to work. Get up earlier and walk around your neighborhood. Take up tennis. Get a puppy. Buy a kayak. Have a garage sale. Go bowling one night even if you do not particularly like bowling. Do things you would not normally do or at times you would not normally do them. Change as many little things as you can think of if only temporarily. For the next six weeks say yes to any invitation or request unless it is illegal, dangerous, or too expensive. Just say yes, even if it is not something you are good at or interested in.

I guarantee, new people will appear in your life. Any new person I ever met who became important in my life, any major change that ever happened, occured "by accident" and because I happened to be somewhere or doing something that wasn't part of my routine. You got to shuffle the deck for new cards to come up.
 
Vanille,

In your last post, did you address me or the original poster?

On a slightly different topic: I saw a topic on a different board where people reviewed dating profiles, posted by other members. Maybe we should start one here as well.
 
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The OP.
 
vanille said:
I am on OKC and I noticed something immediately about you. If I got a message from you:

1. I would be turned off if you immediately talked about your wife. It's well enough if it's on your profile, as it should be. But I'd rather you not talk about her right away as it makes you sound clingy and perhaps a bit insecure.

2. A lot of people judge people on how they portray themselves through how they communicate online. I notice that you don't consistently use proper capitalization, punctuation, grammar, or accurate spelling.
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I have to agree with this. I'll admit, I'm a total snob when it comes to a person's ability to communicate effectively. I take time to edit and rewrite my messages and posts, and I waste little time on people who don't.

esarati, I really struggled to read all of your posts. Combining your response into one big paragraph is nearly impossible to decipher. Putting responses to multiple people on the same line is confusing. I understand that not everyone is awesome at spelling and grammar, but that writing style just comes off as lazy.

It's good that you mention something from their profiles, but does what you say open a dialogue? For example:

Hi,

I saw your profile and wanted to drop a message and introduce myself to you. I found your profile to be very interesting and a lot of the values that you epouse are the same ones I hold in high regard. I would like the chance to get to know you better. If you feel the same way too,I would like to hear back from you.
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Now, could that sound any more canned?? I haven't been on OKC long and we were supposedly an 89% match, so I checked out his profile. Sounded alright, so I messaged him back. Well his next reply was:

Thanks for the message back. I do appreciate it. Please tell me about yourself in your own words. What are some of your hobbies and interests? What do you do for fun in your life? Where are some of the places you like to hang out at?
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This post just made me yawn and close the window. My profile is full of that type of information. Also, these are generic and boring questions. My profile has all kinds of clever things that people can comment on, and many have. Those are the people I'm still communicating with. Later that night, we were online at the same time and he IMd me. "So, tell me about yourself." I was like, why should I? You're boring and predictable.

Be clever. Be different.

While it's true that people like to talk about themselves, they don't like to be asked about themselves directly. My husband is a pro at this: he'll pick up on the smallest thing that someone says by noticing how their expression lights up when they mention it. He'll ask about that thing, which gets them talking and thinking that he's totally interested in whatever the thing is. He usually isn't, but he knows that this technique works so he uses it. I'm pretty sure he stole that straight out of "How to Win Friends and Influence People." A good read, and not nearly as manipulative as I expected it to be...

Here's an example of something that really got my attention:
Bahaha, you're polyamorous, I'm polyamorous, nearly everyone is polyamorous... (Except wolves, which mate for life... And, like... Ants) But few will admit it. Oh, well!

You forgot something important about pool, though... You have to do everything you mentioned while also not making any mistakes ever... Sooooooo, good luck with that?

Oh, damn it! You have the qualifier "mature" in there... I missed that on the first read.

It's been good, though! Be seeing you!
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Now that was an interesting hello. The maturity thing was right at the bottom my profile, pool in the middle, and poly on top. That means he at least skimmed through my whole profile, and I'm inclined to believe he actually read it. His message got my attention, made a reference to an activity I'd expressed interest in, and then gave us something to talk about later.
 
Wow. Please try using paragraphs and punctuation. Walls of text are horribly hard to read, and many people stop part way through and give up. If you want people to pay attention to you in an online text only environment, you need to make it easier for your readers.

I am poly, and my main lover is married and in his 40s. I met him through okCupid, and my advice here will be mostly for finding someone through that medium. I happen to think that okCupid is fabulous, because my love and I would never have crossed paths without it. However! There are a few things to keep in mind.

As a female, I get emails...lots of emails to wade through. It gets time consuming, and I have only so much energy for the task. Here are a few things that can move a note to the top of my reply list:

1. It's easy to read and not just one line long: a greeting, a couple of paragraphs, and a signature line. It is easier to read if it has paragraph breaks, proper capitalization and real words, not text speak. Think of this as a first impression, and try to make it a good one rather than a frustrating one. If it is too frustrating to read I may not get around to even the next step, which is to look at the profile.

2. I want to see a good profile, with a decent picture of the person, enough information to begin to think about meeting the person, and some match questions answered. Extra bonus points if there's a journal entry. I want to know how the person thinks, and I need to be able to see whether they are poly or poly friendly. On MY profile, I mention polyamory in the first paragraph.

3. I am more likely to answer an email from someone who isn't afraid to show their quirks, and may even show them off. I need some sense that they aren't just saying what they think women want to hear.

4. I am more likely to answer an email from someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously, AND doesn't sound like they are looking for just sex. This makes it harder for guys just stopping by in town and looking for company, but, it isn't an insurmountable hurdle.

5. Sometimes I'm just not feeling it. You may be a great guy...for someone else. That person may not have happened by yet. I had a date with a new guy last month. At the end of the date, he told me that though he had fun, he wasn't feeling a spark. I had to admit he was right. He was neat. It might be nice to run into him again sometime, but, we weren't a good enough match to make time for in our rather busy lives.

Good luck, and please remember that in a mostly text medium, your words are all people have to make an opinion of you. Slow down just a little and reread what you have written. You have the luxury of being able to edit and punctuate your text. It helps!
 
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