I've desperately upset and offended my good friend...help please!!!

C

Confusedfriend

New member
Hello,
Up until about a year ago I was unaware of how 'common' polyamory is, yet have never (consciously) felt any negativity towards it. In fact, I think I was fairly neutral in my thoughts.
About a year ago I moved to a different part of the country and made friends with a truly inspirational local couple. (Inspirational for many reasons, but mainly for their awesome ability to shrug off any 'normal' lifestyles or decisions (or 'normal' as so society appears to dictate) and do as they feel is right for them, individually AND as a couple.)
A couple of months ago they split up, but still live and work together, and are the best of friends.
A couple of weeks ago I received a text from the male, asking if I would be interested in taking the friendship further, to a new romantic level, with them both, as they feel that I could be the magic potion to unite them back together and feel we could all work well together.
I replied saying (in a more long-winded way than this) that I was flattered to have been asked but, amongst other reason (which I explained) that I didn't think I'd be able to handle the 'stigma' of it all.
I have issues with depression and anxiety, a lot of which stem from worries of how the rest of he world view me...I am working hard on 'fixing' this, with the help of cognitive behavioural therapy, but this is a long journey I'm on and until I have less anxiety about such things I feel the need to avoid things I forsee will create such feelings. I went on to explain how very much I valued our friendship.
Today, my very good friend, the female, appeared at my house in a desperately upset state.
She explained that whilst she wasn't surprised or offended by my rejection of the offer (though apparently she didn't know he was sending the text until after I had replied!) she had spent the last ten days offended, upset, and angry that I used the word 'stigma'.
She explained that I have lost his friendship entirely and, though she doesn't want us to as well, she doesn't know how we can be friends from now on.
I explained that I did not mean to offend her, and how upset I feel to know that my words have had such an effect on them both. She said that it was 'that word' and that she thought I was proud to be their friends, but clearly not. I tried to assure her that I am, though fear it fell on deaf ears.
I am left utterly confused.
In the text I had pointed out that I (emphasised I!) didn't think I could handle the stigma attached to being in a polyamorous relationship, but in no way did I say or even infer that I agree with that stigma. I simply don't. As I've said, I used to feel 'neutral' I guess, I didn't really have any feelings, but since meeting them I now have a newfound respect for such people, even if I don't want it for myself.
I simply can't see how saying that I couldn't handle something that someone else can is offensive to them...please help me understand if I really have been offensive as she couldn't really explain her offence (she apologised for not being able to put her feelings into words) but said that did not make it any less real.
I desperately don't want to lose her as a friend, nor him, but I am at a loss as to how to move forward.
Furthermore, this has been constantly on my mind for he past 8 hours and I fear tomorrow will be very hard to get out of bed and face a world I am feeling less and less connected with, understanding of.
Thank you in advance, and please accept my apologies for the long ramble and also, more so, if I have actually been highly offensive to my friends and potentially you as you read this. xxx
 
I don't think you were offensive at all. Give them time to process the fact that you don't want a romantic relationship with them. They probably built up the whole scenario in their minds that you guys would hook up and all their problems would magically disappear. Deep down it's probably more about the rejection than anything else. Kind of shitty to spring that all on you in a text, I think.
 
Thank you Vinsanity!
Yes, I had thought that maybe it might be to do with the rejection of the thought/offer...but, without me actually saying so, she assured me that wasn't the case as when he told her about the texts she knew it would never have been responded to encouragingly...
So, I'm still confused by the offence they have taken, and their lack of understanding/agreeance that this really was not my intention nor point, BUT I shall now go to bed feeling a little better that someone out there in this crazy world we live in does not think I was being offensive, hopefully sleep well, and be able to start tomorrow with a less tearstained face and more of a smile ready to welcome whatever comes my way!
Thank you so much x
 
I agree with Vinsanity that it is the rejection they are upset about. It is possible that your rejection of their offer made them feel as though you were criticizing their lifestyle choices, however, it is unfair of them to expect you to enter a triad if you are not comfortable with it for yourself. From the sounds of it you did not use the word stigma in a hurtful way, general society does place a stigma on non-monogamy which is why there are many polyamorous people who do not advertise their poly lifestyle the way monogamous people can.
 
You are welcome, my hopefully less confused friend.

I don't think you will find too many people in this forum who will sympathize with them.
 
I am sorry you deal in this.

Let me ask you something... How "friendly" is it for them to ask you to come join them and be their bandaid for their broken relationship? :confused: That sounds fresh to me.

You said no politely. How you said it was not offensive.

Now they decide to take offensive where none is given. I think it is pretty weird for them to decide not to be friends with you any more and come to your door to "announce" it. If they are not your friend, why come over then? Just stay away.

Is it because they wanted to use you for a bandaid and you declined, and now they want to try to guilt you into allowing yourself to be used anyway? It's like children who use that as a threat to get their way. "If you do not do x, then I'm not gonna be your friend any more!"

I think they are acting out. You don't need to get all up in that mess. Let them be. You have done nothing wrong. Don't rush in there to "rescue" them from their yucky feelings. Not your job to do other people's emotional management. Don't let yourself be hoovered into their drama.

Galagirl
 
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You spoke your truth, they didn't like hearing it, and now they have taken offense. Jeez, they could try growing up a little instead of choosing to live in a state of self-pity and indignation. They seem very unaware and like they're trying to manipulate you.

There's a game being played, masquerading as some kind of morality. The truth is that when one "takes offense" at something (note how it is the offended person who does the action of taking or feeling offended), it doesn't mean one is right or on the moral high ground. All it means is that someone is choosing to hurt themselves with their own knee-jerk reaction to something, rather than looking at that reaction and doing a little self-examination to see if it is valid or why they reacted that way. Taking offense means that you get to feel indignant, self-righteous, and sorry for oneself, and perhaps in a position to manipulate others with a little pity party.

Feh.

Someone famous (I can't remember who) has said that taking offense at something is "nothing more than a barometer of your own emotional control." They don't like the result of their conversation with you and not getting the answer they wanted reminds them that they are not in control, hence... they act out and essentially slap you down.

Note, for example, that you could even have said something with the intention of offending them, and not gotten a rise out of them at all. As another example, think of someone intentionally trying to be offensive by telling dirty jokes in a crowded room. Some people will take offense, some people will laugh, some will be bored, etc. My point is that the state of being offended is subjective and a choice people make. So, don't let them manipulate you into thinking that you did some horrible thing to them (by being honest!) and now it's all your fault they're upset. No, they are choosing to wallow in the state of upset they created out of their disappointment in not getting their way.

You did nothing wrong. There is indeed a stigma attached to polyamory, in most places in Western society. Your observation was quite astute. And you certainly would not be the first person who turned down an opportunity to be in a polyamorous arrangement in order to avoid social repercussions. Please don't waste your days and nights thinking about what you said, how you could've said it better, how you can fix it, and so on. I am 100% sure you have much better things to do with your life.

They're babies having a tantrum, nothing more.
 
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Wow...so they asked you to come and have sex with them to help their marriage issues [you would 'be the magic potion to unite them back together'] and they're....'offended?' That you didn't use exactly the right word?

Too bad, so sad. Frankly, you are the one who has a right to be offended. They wanted to use you to solve their marriage problems.

That they're 'offended' doesn't actually mean anything at all. I can be 'offended' because the sky is blue. That doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong.
 
I find it strange that he would write such an important message to you without telling her, that she could have told him it would not be received well, and that she would then come to you to tell you that because he is upset she can't see how she can be friends with you. It sounds to me as though his ideas and feelings are given precedence in their relationship.

Leetah
 
What we have here is a trigger. There's no inherent offensiveness in the word "stigma." Polyamory is stigmatized, there's no denying that. If she has a problem with the stigma of her relationship style, she's got to find ways to deal with that.

Yes, her real hurt is perfectly legitimate. But it's her hurt to own and be responsible for. If she's offended by a word and she can't articulate why, then it's a trigger. We all have triggers, and they're ours to be conscious of and to own. We can't go around projecting our response to our triggers onto the intent the triggerers.

If someone is deliberately offensive, then getting upset with that person is a legitimate response. If someone called me a slutty bitch for having a husband and a girlfriend, that person would be out of my life with no further interaction. But you just expressed yourself honestly. If they can't deal with that, they're going to have a rough road in the poly world.

You did nothing wrong. They're overreacting, big time. Probably more out of the rejection, and not wanting to admit that even to themselves, so redirecting to some stupid little word. Like, seriously. Stigma, really? Yeah, there's stigma to any non-monogamy. If they don't know that, they're living in a hole.

Besides, their relationship is fucked up. One minute they're broken up, and now you're supposed to be the magical fairy dust that's going to sew them together? What are they smoking?
 
Confusedfriend said:
I have issues with depression and anxiety, a lot of which stem from worries of how the rest of he world view me...I am working hard on 'fixing' this, with the help of cognitive behavioural therapy, but this is a long journey I'm on and until I have less anxiety about such things I feel the need to avoid things I forsee will create such feelings.
Click to expand...

People will come and go in your life and all are acting out the story you currently have going on inside. Change your story, change the drama you see before you. You are right to focus on YOU and this is a valuable piece to know about yourself. Your couple is giving you a perfect display of your inner story and you can decide how this goes from here. As nycindie points out, we hear all kinds of things in the course of a day, but what we focus in on is a matter of choice and reflects more the listener (us) than the speaker (them.) If this woman is deeply offended by "stigma" here, then she shares much of your concern about how the rest of the world views her. Your anxieties are magnetically swirling around together, despite her seemingly awesome ability to shrug off normal lifestyles. You and this woman reflect your deep concerns to one another - that is why this situation is so very charged. If you didn't share these concerns, there would be no tension or drama around them. The good news is that you're aware of this issue and you're working to lay down this burdensome weight. You'll see your efforts reflected in those around you and that is how you change relationships. Bravo to you for working from the inside out, for lasting positive change is forged only by changing your inner story.
 
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Thank you!!!

Hello again everyone!
I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read and reply to my post with such kind, informative and reassuring words.
I went to bed feeling better than I had done, though still upset that my words had, even though completely unintentionally, hurt two very good friends of mine.
Thanks to all of your messages, that I read last night and some this morning, I woke with a new resolve and have not shed a single tear so far today and feel much better than I have in quite some time...(isn't it funny how an attack on our emotions can have the thoroughly opposite effect upon recovery?!?)
Your words have assured me and now I KNOW that I'll be able to hold my head high if the subject is raised again. Quite frankly I have made my apology that they felt upset by the word I used, however I will not be apologising any more -you have all given me the strength to know that I have said nothing 'wrong' and their reaction is an internal one, not actually one to me, despite the direction they are sending it in.
One thing I have learnt from this (I think it's important to try and learn from such occurrences in life) is that whilst I have respect for polys, it's really not for me (well, not the me of the now anyway!), and that I should also try to follow my gut more and have confidence in it. I know I am never intentionally nasty or offensive, and if aomeone accuses me of being so I should have the confidence to stand proud and not question whether I have actually been so!
I wish you all much light, laughter and love, xxx
 
Confusedfriend said:
....whilst I have respect for polys, it's really not for me (well, not the me of the now anyway!), and that I should also try to follow my gut more and have confidence in it. I know I am never intentionally nasty or offensive, and if aomeone accuses me of being so I should have the confidence to stand proud and not question whether I have actually been so!
Click to expand...

It's a beautiful thing to know who you are. Glad to hear you're facing a good direction this morning. :)
 
I would say that they are wrong to think a relationship with you would fix their issues. Second for him to ask you without talking to her, shows they have some communication issues. If we want a woman to join us, we talk to each other first. Our one concern is not to hurt her.
You were honest to say, 'poly' is not me. It isn't for most people. My wife and I are wired that way.
 
Stigma is an offensive word? Sigh, let me just add it to my political correctness dictionary ...
 
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