I've fallen in love with my wife... and her sister.

S

sincereCat

New member
I've been married to my wife for 10 years and still love her immensely. But for the past month I've been having feelings for her sister. I told my wife about it and she's been supportive but now that they haven't gone away I feel like I want to pursue a polyamorous relationship. My wife says she doesn't know what she wants to do. Part of her wants to try the polyamorous relationship "because I want you to be happy", but she doesn't know if she can do it. Thoughts of leaving me keep coming to her mind as well.

Her sister is living with us and has been for months. It wasn't until I started getting to know her that the feelings began, so I know it isn't just lust. I think I am actually in love with her, even though my feelings for my wife haven't decreased at all. For various reasons, I think they (she has a daughter) should stay living with us. But truth be told, I mainly want her there so I can keep talking to my wife praying she'll come around to the idea of a polyamorous relationship.

Oh, and the sister doesn't even know (for sure, anyway) that I like her. But I don't want to say anything because I don't want to mess up their relationship as sisters (in addition to our marriage). Any advice?
 
You'll find a lot of opinions already in 2muchlove's threads
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=77963&highlight=2muchlove&page=2
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78469&highlight=2muchlove

I personally don't think that trying a poly relationship with the sister is a good idea. If nothing else, it's an extra layer of complexity - and poly is messy enough for the beginner.
So the advice will be pretty 'mono' - ask sister to move out, let the feelings fade. Trust that they will once you're not in daily contact. You can then return to loving her from a distance as a sister.

After you do that, then maybe you can reexamine your relationship-arrangement with your wife, now that you're open to radical possibilities. Have the talks about poly/open without a specific person in mind.

Besides the sister thing, there's standard newbe issues in your post:
- Please don't be pushy with your wife. I know you feel like it's urgent and your happiness hinges on it, but it isn't and it usually doesn't. On the contrary you can do a lot of hurt and damage to your marriage by talking your wife into something that goes against her core
- You have no idea if the sister is interested - which means all this is pretty much premature fantasy. Even if she was a stranger, going extra slow is in order. Just keep that in mind.
 
The fact that she is your wife's sister complicates things and yes, the danger of jeopardising their relationship in addition to yours and your wife's is very real. Polyamory takes a lot of work, very high levels of self-awareness, communication and empathy. People new to it invariably bungle things. You might have an idyllic setup in your head, but the reality will be starkly different to that when there are two other people involved in it.

Furthermore, it is an extremely poor idea to declare your feelings to a person who lives with you and is in this sense dependent. You risk putting her in a very, very uncomfortable position.

Falling for someone can happen, there's nothing wrong with that and often not something we can help. I am sure you suffer from that and the ensuing confusion and conflict. But we bear responsibility for how we conduct ourselves and treat others, regardless of how we feel.
 
I appreciate the responses, guys. I definitely wouldn't push this on my wife. We've talked about this a LOT and her main concerns is that I would leave her for her sister, or start loving her less. I am willing to do everything I possibly can to alleviate those concerns.

I did try just avoiding her for a few days, to see if the feelings might go away. They didn't. It's still possible they will fade after she moves out though, sure. But if they don't, I'm still stuck.

The problem is that I don't want to be polyamorous just for polyamory's sake. I don't feel like I need "someone" other than my wife; I feel like I need her specifically. That's why I used the language of "falling in love".

But I agree that we shouldn't put her in an uncomfortable position. I've been thinking that, for that reason alone, it might be best to wait until she gets her own place, even though I still see numerous (relatively unrelated) reasons I think they should live with us.
 
NO. She CANNOT still live with you, even for "unrelated" reasons. You have an agenda.

She absolutely needs to find her own place as soon as possible. Until then, you simply have to put this out of your mind. A "couple of days" is nowhere near enough time to get over a person you desire. You are trying to fool yourself.

There are feelings and there are ACTIONS.
 
I have to agree with the others. Give this one a pass. You may not be able to help who you crush on, but you CAN choose the behavior to pursue or to not pursue. I would suggest NOT pursuing this.

We've talked about this a LOT and her main concerns is that I would leave her for her sister, or start loving her less. I am willing to do everything I possibly can to alleviate those concerns.
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Then ask the sister to move out and give it more than a just few days for the feelings to pass/fade down once she is gone. Several months, a year.

When not acted on, crushes do tend to fade away.

Keeping her around in close proximity? That's not allowing things to fade down.

Relatives, roomies, coworkers -- there's a whole list of "way too messy" people to try to poly with. Polyamory is complicated enough without adding those additional layers.

Galagirl
 
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sincereCat said:
I did try just avoiding her for a few days, to see if the feelings might go away. They didn't. It's still possible they will fade after she moves out though, sure. But if they don't, I'm still stuck.
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As a guideline we throw around a number of 40 days NO CONTACT for a crush to fade. In your case, as you're already very invested in the fantasy of a possible future, it might take a little longer than 40 days until these feelings are gone completelly, but 6 weeks no contact is certainly a good start to get your thinking straight.
 
I wouldn't risk it: I've seen this go horribly wrong and cause a huge rift in a family.

I actually have a huge crush on the sister of a person I've been somewhat romantic and occasionally sexy with, but I've made a choice not to pursue that crush even though I think the sister and I might be a better match. It's hard, but I absolutely can't risk screwing up their relationship.

There are limits to who you can responsibly date, even as a polyamorous person. It's hard to accept, but there it is.
 
Hello sincereCat,

I tend to think that every situation is unique. What works for you, works for you. It's not going to work for everyone else. So, I don't consider the sister to be out of bounds. But first things first, you need to square this one way or another with your wife. If she is going to warm up to the idea of poly, it could easily take a year, so don't be in a big hurry. And she may never warm up to the idea of poly, you have to make peace with that possibility ahead of time.

Because you have a very specific idea about whom you want to be poly with, I hesitate to mention resources that speak well of poly in general terms. You need to talk to your wife about *this specific scenario*. You will have to talk about it with her from time to time, not too often and not too seldom either. Maybe once a week, maybe once a month, I don't know. If (and this is a big if) she eventually feels okay about the poly, then and only then sit down and discuss the situation with the sister (possibly with your wife present).

If your wife ultimately decides that she is unwilling to live with poly, then, you'll have to decide what to do about that. You may end up deciding that you and your wife are not a match. Or you may end up giving up the idea of approaching her sister. It's up to you, but I don't know of any way you can guarantee that this will work out as you hope. Prepare yourself for the worst.

These of course are just my opinions.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Take it from someone whose first love cheated with several women including my sister - this is a recipe for disaster for all concerned.

For starters, you're going through all these angsty "what ifs" right now, without even knowing if the sister has any romantic interest in you whatsoever!

If you open up to your wife about being attracted to her sister, and inform her you'd like to pursue a poly relationship that includes them both... YET it turns out the sister has no interest in anything of the kind, you've potentially caused irreversible trust issues between you and your wife... as well as between wife and sister. (Your wife may never quite believe her sister didn't "lead you on", or that you two didn't do anything together behind her back, even if you didn't.)

There is also the possibility that you're infatuated with the sister mainly due to either:

a.) Proximity. If she's always around, and you're seeing her in (non-sexual) intimate moments, such as when she's half-dressed in the mornings, or sleepy-cute, or kind of tipsy after a few after-dinner drinks, the daily intimacy may "trick" your brain/hormones into thinking you're more attracted to this woman than you otherwise would be under normal circumstances.

b.) Similarities to your wife. You love and are attracted to your wife, presumably. This is her sister, so I can assume there are some, if not many, similarities between them. Even if they don't look that much alike, or share all the same interests, there will undoubtedly be certain mannerisms, tone of voice, family traits or likewise, that "remind" you of your wife, when you're interacting with her sister. Over time, this may fool your subconscious into associating the sister with your wife, and finding those similarities attractive in both of them.

In my case (and I'm going back decades here), my sister and I are very much alike. At the time, she was living in the same building as my boyfriend and I, and we all used to hang out together a lot. In hindsight, I can see how he came to almost view her as a substitute me, so that after he and I had been together some time, and hit a rough patch... well, she was "there".

I agree with the others that you need to put some physical space between yourselves (you and wife) and her sister, as soon as possible, for as long as possible. This will minimise temptation to act on your desire, and will hopefully allow time for your attraction to cool down naturally. I think a sister is almost always a "messy person" when it comes to polyamorous relationships - unless you have some VERY clear indicators that BOTH the sister AND your wife are into such an arrangement.
 
The propinquity effect is the tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often.
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The mere-exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. ... In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be.
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Twice, I have been dating a younger woman (about my wife's age) & found myself in flirtatious situations with the mother. (My early lovers were a bit older than me.) If there had been more time/distance separation, I might have explored the possibility, but they interacted regularly & got along well, so I didn't see where sex with both would improve the situation for anyone.

Siblings... no, probably not. Maybe if they both had already been nonmonogamous, but even then I'd be concerned about childhood rivalries recurring -- even if well-experienced problem solvers, that could be a lot of baggage to unpack.
 
lunabunny said:
There is also the possibility that you're infatuated with the sister mainly due to either:

a.) Proximity. If she's always around, and you're seeing her in (non-sexual) intimate moments, such as when she's half-dressed in the mornings, or sleepy-cute, or kind of tipsy after a few after-dinner drinks, the daily intimacy may "trick" your brain/hormones into thinking you're more attracted to this woman than you otherwise would be under normal circumstances.

b.) Similarities to your wife. You love and are attracted to your wife, presumably. This is her sister, so I can assume there are some, if not many, similarities between them. Even if they don't look that much alike, or share all the same interests, there will undoubtedly be certain mannerisms, tone of voice, family traits or likewise, that "remind" you of your wife, when you're interacting with her sister. Over time, this may fool your subconscious into associating the sister with your wife, and finding those similarities attractive in both of them.
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Ravenscroft said:
Quote:
The propinquity effect is the tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often.

Quote:
The mere-exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. ... In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be.
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Ah, yes... propinquity!

This is what I was trying to get at above (both things) though for the life of me I couldn't recall the exact terminology, Ravenscroft.
 
Okay, definitely time for an update!
My wife and I have done a 180. My feelings for her sister are still there, stronger than ever, but my wife told me a few days ago that she was starting to get used to it. More than that, yesterday she actually told me that part of her wants it to happen. That's right! She is seeing the idea in a very positive light, contrary to my expectations. She's been actively trying to get her sister to talk to me more (as friends, so we can get to know each other better). We have talked about how happy it makes me when we are all spending time together, and she says she loves seeing the look on my face when I'm enjoying their company. She really seems 100% okay with how I feel, and not at all insecure. That may be because we've become more affectionate with each other here lately, and we talk a lot about her sister and what would/wouldn't change if I had a relationship with her too.

I don't know what's ahead, but I had to share this unexpected turn of events. I will still want to be cautious moving forward. But right now, I'm even more in love with my wife than before because I feel like she finally understands what I'm seeing and feeling. Anyway, sorry this was so long-winded.
 
You know whose opinion really matters here? Your wife’s sister. And while being honest is good, all this pre-game planning borders on the creepy.

Do NOT proposition her while she lives with you or is in any way dependent on you. She cannot give a full and clear consent in that situation.

Sometimes people come here and write fantasies instead of what is happening in their lives. I wonder if you are such a writer. The wife being all onboard and flinging her sister your way strains credibility. Maybe you are real, maybe you are not.

But if you are real, you are heading for a very high cliff with deep waters and sharp rocks. I would strongly urge you not to hit on her at all. Feelings are not a reason to take such a risk.
 
lunabunny said:
you're going through all these angsty "what ifs" right now, without even knowing if the sister has any romantic interest in you whatsoever!

I think a sister is almost always a "messy person" when it comes to polyamorous relationships - unless you have some VERY clear indicators that BOTH the sister AND your wife are into such an arrangement.
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opalescent said:
You know whose opinion really matters here? Your wife’s sister. And while being honest is good, all this pre-game planning borders on the creepy.

Do NOT proposition her while she lives with you or is in any way dependent on you. She cannot give a full and clear consent in that situation.
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sincereCat said:
my wife told me a few days ago that she was starting to get used to it. More than that, yesterday she actually told me that part of her wants it to happen.

we talk a lot about her sister and what would/wouldn't change if I had a relationship with her too.
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I agree with Opalescent.

What gives with you and wife discussing in such detail a potential relationship between you and her own sister --- without even knowing if said sister has the sort of feelings for you that would even warrant such a discussion in the first place??

I still believe your wife's sister is a "messy person" (out of bounds, basically) due to a.) the fact that she is an immediate relative and the emotional fall-out that could and probably will ensue... and b.) the fact that she currently lives with you, and is therefore dependent on you in some fashion.

Whether you want this, and whether of not your wife is "coming around" to seeing a potential V (triad??) relationship from your pov is kind of a moot point at this stage. Nothing can or will happen unless you approach the sister and spell out your feelings for her... but in all honesty, I do NOT think that's such a great idea. Think carefully.
 
It's ok to fantasize about it with your wife and get turned on or grow closer. Fantasy is a safe space for that.

But to actually bring it about?

Say sister moves out so she's not your dependent. And both wife and sister and cool with it. That doesn't mean their family is cool with it. Or their work is cool with it.

The "ripple effect" goes beyond that little bubble you, wife, and sister. Not to mention what happens if they get pregnant. Or how this affects current kids/your niece. Will the kids/niece be shunned though none of it is her doing? Bullying? No kid bday party invites because their parents don't want THEIR kids associating with "those people?" Even out to hate crime? There's a reason people move to cities with more diversity/tolerance. I don't know where you live and you don't have to say. But think on it.

Think VERY carefully about this. If it goes wrong... what can be affected? How far does the ripple effect go? Are you willing to risk those things? Can you afford to risk those things? Can you afford to move elsewhere to start over from a clean slate?

I really think leaving it to fantasy is best. If you and wife are up for opening the marriage and being in a "V" -- keep discussing. Later on when ready? Pick a less complicated person to date than her sister.

Galagirl
 
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OP, don't you even CARE about what could possibly happen to the relationship between your wife and her sister? You evidently do not. This insanity of your wife trying to push her sister towards you is stomach-churning.

However, you aren't going to listen to a word anyone says because this is TRUE LOVE and must NOT be denied. As others have said, what about the effect this is going to have on your niece?
 
Incest is very popular in porn.

Mother and daughter having sex with one man. Sisters, especially twins, having sex with one man. Siblings having sex with each other. Fathers or step fathers with their daughters. Mothers or step mothers with their sons. Taboo! Yay! What a turn on!

All the people here who post about wanting to have sex with siblings either leave after being told it's a terrible idea, or agree it's too messy, or are fiction writers and are outed as trolls.

I once had a short lived crush on a brother in law. The husband of my husband's sister. My own husband worked long hours with a long commute. Sometimes he'd sleep at work during crunch times, getting a product ready for market. I had 3 young children and my evenings were long, conversation was on the inane side, given the age of my kids.

My BIL was a long distance trucker, and for a time my house was in the middle of his route. He'd stop by for dinner and conversation once or twice a month. My husband wouldn't be home.

I barely liked the guy. He wasn't my type, he wasn't that smart, he was too Christian, etc etc. But he was big and handsome, a body builder, his conversation was a bit more adult than my kids' was, he ate and complimented my cooking, he sincerely asked my opinion on things (again, he wasn't that smart, was easily confused or overwhelmed by life).

I found myself staring at his sexy neck curls. His biceps.

Ugh. I held myself in check. And luckily his driving route soon changed.

Icky icky. Messy messy.

Don't do it. And if you're writing fiction, please go away. This is a board for real people. Incest is popular here amongst trolls who invade our much needed safe space for actual polyamorists.
 
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