Jealous being the girlfriend of a man in a poly relationship with his wife

[hearts]

Hi hearts,

Things are pretty crazy for you right now. Things are not fair to you. You and he are girlfriend and boyfriend, that's a little different from her only having seen this guy for about a month.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

That's exactly how I feel. He's been around a month, and my boyfriend is meant to drop having intimacy with me, so that it might push his wife towards not sleeping with that guy, and it being fair across the board for his wife and this guy, and me and my bf not being intimate. But it doesn't feel fair, as we are in a relationship with each other.

 

[ref2018]

That's exactly how I feel, hes been around a month and my boyfriend is meant to drop having intimacy with me so that it might push his wife towards not sleeping with that guy. And it being fair across the board for his wife and this guy and me and him not being intimate but I dont feel its fair as we are in a relationship with each other.

Think about whether you want to be in a relationship that is subject to the whims of others who are not even *in* the relationship. Your boyfriend's words match his actions. He has told you that his relationship with his wife is the priority and his behavior is in accordance with the same.

 

[GalaGirl]

He won't leave her, as he still loves her.

He has given her some options, an OPP, or split up, or no intimacy for me and him, and her and her new love interest for a short while.

He is giving mixed messages and telling you WAY too much about the other side of the V.

He's not obligated to share sex with you, but using your sex life with him as some kind of bargaining chip/manipulation tool to make his wife do what he wants is weird. And then actually telling you he is doing that? Jeez!

You might be looking at your BF differently, now that you see him devaluing your relationship with him like that, and see him manipulating his wife.

She's no gem either, what with the cheating, but your BF treating you in this disposable way is NOT loving and kind.

The more you describe this situation, I wonder why you aren't angry at your BF for treating you so poorly, rather than feeling jealous of how he treats his wife. He's not really treating her that great either, with the OPP and the manipulating and the strangeness. Again, she's no gem, but BF's behaviors in both directions seem really "ugh."

I feel in limbo land, not really knowing what will happen. I have a fear of being left, as my bf has said he's been close a few times to leaving me because of everything going on.

BF treating you like his free therapist is not nice, especially when he is pondering breaking up with you. That's not going to help you feel loved and secure in this relationship with him. It's precarious, at best.

I think it would be kinder for him to break up you with you respectfully, rather than using this bargaining chip and keeping you around for free therapy and a back-up plan.

You could work on your fear of being left, because, if you don't, you will keep hanging around in relationships that are "meh," or even terrible. You won't be speaking up and advocating for yourself because you fear a break-up.

It's very much in limbo land for me until his wife makes decisions.

I'm sorry this is happening. It is not great, and nobody deserves this treatment. I think it's limbo land for you because you are choosing to accept this treatment from your BF, rather than deciding YOURSELF what you will and will not put up with in your romantic life.

This seems just too weird. Only 4 months into dating someone, you should still be in NRE mode-- all pink fluffy clouds. In your shoes, I'd bow out and tell him to look me back up when he's got something real to offer me, when he's either sorted it out with his wife, or ended it with her. I would step aside and let the chips fall as they may over there. I wouldn't want to be collateral damage just because a couple is having their own problems. I'd get out of the way before this gets worse. It already sounds hard.

Galagirl