Jealous being the girlfriend of a man in a poly relationship with his wife

[hearts]

I think you know too much about what is going on in their marriage from him oversharing with you. You are not the "free therapist." That might be fueling your jealousy -- him dumping all this stuff on you and you wondering why he puts up with it, does all this stuff to "keep" her, etc.

For your own mental health, and because it's only been 4 mos of dating, I think you could step back and tell him you don't want to know details about their marriage problems, and ask him to find himself a poly counselor for that.

You could also choose to end it with him and tell him to look you back up when he can actually offer you monogamy or a 50-50 split. He also can't offer 50-50 time until 6-12 mos out from now. So you being "on hold" while he gets himself together... I'm not sure I'd sign up for that. Why would you?

It might be great for HIM to keep you around... but I don't see what YOU get out of that deal. Since you are monogamous, putting all your energy into him prevents you from dating other people who might be more compatible and CAN offer you the monogamy you seek NOW.

You could think it out NOW before you invest more here. Would that 50-50 split even be enough for you, to make peace with the fact that you won't ever get monogamy here with him? What if he starts dating more partners?

He didn't want to tell me about things, but when he was upset, I asked him what was going on. I wanted to know stuff. Now he's keeping it to himself more, but it's still hard, as I still know he's upset about stuff. He's not happy and she isn't making him happy.

Who knows what the future will look like for us while everything is still up in the air with her and decisions and stuff. I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful.

I do talk to other people, but haven't met up with or slept with anyone else. If that changes for me, I will tell him.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Did she enthusiastically consent to 50/50 or did he tell her that's what he's doing? Telling her doesn't really give her a chance to enthusiastically consent, just like her not communicating about wanting to date men AND women didn't give him a chance to consent. Basically this entire situation sounds unethical due to lack of consent. (Saying okay or accepting something under duress, aka the threat of the relationship ending, is not consent.)

 

[Bobbi]

Well, he hasn't changed the rules.

Absolutely he did. His rule was she could only see women (same-gendered people) not men (opposite-gendered people), yet he started seeing you (opposite gender). So he can see other women, but she can’t see other men? HE is the one that changed the rules and she followed his lead.

Did she enthusiastically consent to 50/50 or did he tell her that's what he's doing? Telling her doesn't really give her a chance to enthusiastically consent, just like her not communicating about wanting to date men AND women didn't give him a chance to consent. Basically this entire situation sounds unethical due to lack of consent (saying okay or accepting something under duress aka threat of relationship ending is not consent).

There's so much lack of consent, communication, and healthy dynamics here. I would run away as fast as I could! It’s not monogamy or polyamory! It’s a relationship nightmare.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi hearts,

His wife has gone behind his back by dating men. This would be a good reason for him to divorce her, but so far his reaction has been to cling to her all the harder. I take it you believe/are hoping he'll eventually do a 50/50 division between her and you, or even that he'll divorce her? I don't know if he will, but if he does, it sounds like that will be quite a ways into the future. I do see that you and he have very strong feelings for each other, and you have known each other for a long time. So his current behavior doesn't really make sense.

I guess he says things are going to change in six months to a year. At that point, he will do a 50/50 split between you and her. Do you believe him? If you do, then I suppose you could stay with him for a year and then decide what to do if he doesn't keep his word, or if she decides she isn't okay with it after all.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

I find it interesting how this went from OP being jealous of her partner's wife, and us supporting her need to understand poly dynamics, to the point of saying maybe poly isn't for her, to all of a sudden the wife has dated others in their poly relationship, with us now discussing the wife's “bad” behavior. This reeks of someone not hearing what they wanted and flipping the script to get what she wants from us, and that’s to validate the wife as the problem.

I will no longer entertain this poster.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi hearts,

His wife has gone behind his back by dating men. This would be a good reason for him to divorce her, but so far his reaction has been to cling to her all the harder. I take it you believe/are hoping he'll eventually do a 50/50 division between her and you, or even that he'll divorce her? I don't know if he will, but if he does, it sounds like that will be quite a ways into the future. I do see that you and he have very strong feelings for each other, and you have known each other for a long time.

They've only been dating for four months. Their "strong feelings" are infatuation, at this point.

So his current behavior doesn't really make sense.

I guess he says things are going to change in six months to a year, and at that point, he will do a 50/50 split between you and her. Do you believe him? If you do, then I suppose you could stay with him for a year and then decide what to do if he doesn't keep his word, or if she decides she isn't okay with it, after all.

 

[Tinwen]

What's up with people here suddenly expecting 50:50 split after 4 months when we tell posters all the time that relationships have to grow and to expect the same level of life entanglement in a new relationship as in the old one immediately is unrealistic? Isn't a year actually a very fast timeline to achieve equal time splitting? He has responsibilities! What OP wants isn't half of his free time after household and kids have been tended to. It's just half of his time, period. Not gonna work!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I find it interesting how this went from OP being jealous of her partner's wife, and us supporting her need to understand poly dynamics, to the point of saying maybe poly isn't for her, to all of a sudden the wife has dated others in their poly relationship, with us now discussing the wife's “bad” behavior. This reeks of someone not hearing what they wanted and flipping the script to get what she wants from us, and that’s to validate the wife as the problem.

I will no longer entertain this poster.

I think what you're seeing here is that the OP (like many people) kind of get why a man wouldn't want "his woman" with other men. If you couple that with the fact that she is bisexual and he isn't, it seems to make sense that they have equal access to other relationships, but that other men aren't appropriate partners for either of them.

So, according to the OP, her bf's wife went from asking something reasonable, to asking something totally unreasonable (for him to share his wife with another man). This is why she is speaking as if we should get how his wife betrayed him by switching what she wanted.

I'm pointing this out to show that it isn't just men who reinforce this idea that "real men" would only ever accept a one-penis policy.

 

[Evie]

The 50/50 split isn't expected right away. It's a long-term compromise by Hearts, if and only if bf/hubs won't leave his wife.

The wife's dating men, or anyone, was actually irrelevant to the first post in the thread. Hearts is jealous and envious of the wife, period. The shared bf/hub scaled back his time with Hearts (post #5) because bf/hub is putting more effort into his wife than he was initially, because she's also in NRE with another guy. Hub is jealous, too, especially since his wife originally agreed to only date women, but started seeing a man (post #39).

From the way the first post expresses the sleepless nights due to her own jealousy, even a 50/50 split wouldn't be enough for Hearts. Bf/hub has previously played into fantasies around being monogamous with Hearts (post #11). But when push came to shove, right now he's working on fixing his marriage, so his actions have spoken louder than words, and Hearts is trying to deal with getting the shorter end of the stick than she had before.

She is still having sleepless nights at the thought of bf/hubs having sex with his wife (post #1), and feeling envious when she sees him posting lovely things about wife on social media (post #11).

So the update is:

Hearts - monogamy is ideal, but would consider working towards a 50/50 split
Bf/Hub - OPP ideal, 50/50 time split eventually with his wife and Hearts, with wife only seeing other women
Wife - unrestricted poly ideal, no idea of time split preference
Wife's bf/s - no idea, as Hearts hasn't mentioned knowing him/them at all

This is an N shaped polycule, perhaps , although maybe the wife is building a star shape around her. The central couple are at odds with their visions. Hearts is, in many ways, collateral damage to a newly-opening couple, as is the wife's new bf/s

It's a limbo right now for Hearts, probably wanting bf/hub to move to serial monogamy and yet he's being pulled in the other direction, back toward his wife, initially at her behest (see post #5), and now his own wish (see post #35), even though he fantasised with Hearts about a no-wife scenario. This mixed messaging is actually part and parcel of the "relationship broken, add people" approach to polyamory, which it is likely that bf/hub and wife have done. But now they are trying to fix their relationship retrospectively, which means slowing down on time and fantasies with Hearts, fuelling Hearts' fear of loss and stinging her, actually unsurprisingly, since Hearts wants more of him, not less, and isn't really poly herself, just happens to be falling in love with a married guy she knew at 13.

So, is there a practical solution? Nothing that's in Hearts' control, because it's mostly a primary couple-centric polycule right now. Is there an inner-work solution? Always, if Hearts can bring herself to become a good poly partner, supportive of dynamics between bf/hub and his wife, as they navigate the opening-up phase of their relationship.

Hearts, do you want to become a good poly partner? Or are you determined to just wait around, hopeful that bf/hubs and his wife will divorce (post #5)? The limbo must be really uncomfortable, since your self esteem is taking repeated hits when you see him posting her on social media, but not you.

I'm confused about the wife going from insisting on goodnight texts from bf/hub while he was with Hearts and being the one demanding the reduction from three nights to two a week (post #5), to now seemingly it being bf/hubs driving the increase of time spent with wife (post #28), since these are quite a contradiction. But sometimes things rapidly evolve, or backstories take a while to develop and are hard to remember...

 

[kdt26417]

Hi hearts,

In Post #32, you said, "The thing is, he had a thing for me when we were 13, and then I knew him, but never acted. Then we see each other and instantly clicked and it was magnetic. The way I felt seeing him again was such a rush of nerves and feelings, and he felt the same."

I gather from that that you knew each other when you were 13, or at least you knew of each other, and he had a thing for you. But perhaps you did not have a thing for him at that time? However, you met up again about four months ago, and instantly had a thing for each other.

In Post #38, you said, "She knew he would want it to be fair and said at Xmas eventually he would want 50/50 with me, with a discussion. And she said okay, it won't be happening yet. That is future. Difference is, she already is seeing men behind his back, with talks, even though he wasn't happy with it. If she wants to change the agreement, that needs to be spoken about properly."

I wonder if maybe you want to say, that you are a better match than her for him, that she does not love him like you do. You love him exclusively; you would never date other men behind his back.

In Post #33, you said, "He never did say he'd leave her for me, but he did say, 'What would it be like if we lived together, us being together, just me and him?'"

Maybe there is some small sliver of hope that he recognizes that you are a better match for him, that he has at least thought about leaving her? I don't know how much hope to give you in that area. But it's conceivable.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Brazen]

In my view, I wouldn't expect very much time from anyone after only 4 months, especially if they had an ongoing nesting partnership. Surely relationships have to evolve.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I read this thing during lockdown, that was aimed at cis mono women seeking cis mono men. It said by week 12, you should be his priority in his free time and the automatic plus one for all social events. I remember it said something like, "Weekends should be together by default."

It was telling you how to tell if the guy is serious about you or not.

 

[Albert Ross]

I read this thing during lockdown aimed at cis mono women seeking cis mono men. It said by week 12, you should be his priority in free time and automatic plus one for all social events. I remember it said something like "weekends should be together by default".

It was telling you how to tell if the guy is serious about you or not.

These sorts of takes on conventional relationships are so nuts when seen from outside. Like reading posts from twentysomethings on /r/relationship_advice. The 2020s are not turning out quite as progressive as I'd hoped.

 

[ref2018]

These sorts of takes on conventional relationships are so nuts when seen from outside. Like reading posts from twentysomethings on /r/relationship_advice. The 2020s are not turning out quite as progressive as I'd hoped.

There are more younger people than ever embracing alternative relationships and social scenes, but the ones who are in the mainstream are more uptight than before.

 

[Sunshine79]

NRE can make us feel obsessed with our new partner. It's a hormonal thing. Your hormones are racing and you want to be with your new sexy partner as much as possible. But in reality, it is not healthy for anyone, mono or poly, to just drop everything and do nothing but be with the new person. You don't get to be on a honeymoon 24/7. Even if you get formally married, a honeymoon only lasts a set time (for most of us, 2 weeks, max) and then we have to tend to our jobs, kids, household chores, dependent parents, car maintenance, dr appointments, etc., etc.

Don't let your lovey-dovey hormones divorce you from reality. Allow the relationship to grow at its proper pace, be patient. You might risk losing him altogether.

All of this. It is so huge and so easy to overlook and even forget. It is so easy also to be consumed by it and allow ourselves to be very deeply wounded when we are in a space of ultimate vulnerability. I can speak from experience when I say coming back from that is WORK. (It is beautiful work and it is human work and all of it give us a deeper well of experience and self-love and connection, so I won't even discredit it by saying try to avoid all of this.)

I'm an avid believer in running toward pleasure-things mostly responsibly, with full knowledge that a lot of pleasure comes from the irresponsible shadows. It just does. And sometimes it is okay to dabble in these shadows, as long as we give ourselves grace to come out of them with full acceptance of who we still are when we emerge.

There's a lot going on here. If you want to simplify any of it, maybe just take a step back from all of it for a bit. The real fact of the matter is that YOU are the shiny new thing. And shiny new things don't stay shiny and new forever. Sometimes they turn into treasures and sometimes they are discarded. And I'm not sure I've ever seen anything turn into a treasure without some serious work - OR - some serious long game where the shiny new thing remains at a realistic physical and emotional distance with clear personal boundaries for what they can really expect.

 

[hearts]

Hi hearts,

His wife has gone behind his back by dating men. This would be a good reason for him to divorce her, but so far his reaction has been to cling to her all the harder. I take it you believe/are hoping he'll eventually do a 50/50 division between her and you, or even that he'll divorce her? I don't know if he will, but if he does, it sounds like that will be quite a ways into the future. I do see that you and he have very strong feelings for each other, and you have known each other for a long time. So his current behavior doesn't really make sense.

I guess he says things are going to change in six months to a year. At that point, he will do a 50/50 split between you and her. Do you believe him? If you do, then I suppose you could stay with him for a year and then decide what to do if he doesn't keep his word, or if she decides she isn't okay with it after all.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Yes, she did go behind his back with changing the agreement to wanting to see men, not just women. He wouldn't have agreed to poly if she had said men.

He is trying harder to win her back and and doesn't want her sleeping with the new guy. He won't leave her, as he still loves her. I would never ask him to leave his wife for me.

I hope in the future to have a 50/50 split. That might be enough for me, and for him to not divorce his wife.

He has given her some options, going forward with a OPP, or split up. He and I and his wife and her new love interest aren't intimate with one another. I have said to him, it will be really hard not to be intimate with my bf, and he said it could be temporary, but he's trying to fix things with her. She likes being poly. He doesn't like poly enough to never want to go back to possible mono in the future.

 

[hearts]

The 50/50 split isn't expected right away. It's a long-term compromise by Hearts, if and only if bf/hubs won't leave his wife.

The wife's dating men, or anyone, was actually irrelevant to the first post in the thread. Hearts is jealous and envious of the wife, period. The shared bf/hub scaled back his time with Hearts (post #5) because bf/hub is putting more effort into his wife than he was initially, because she's also in NRE with another guy. Hub is jealous, too, especially since his wife originally agreed to only date women, but started seeing a man (post #39).

From the way the first post expresses the sleepless nights due to her own jealousy, even a 50/50 split wouldn't be enough for Hearts. Bf/hub has previously played into fantasies around being monogamous with Hearts (post #11). But when push came to shove, right now he's working on fixing his marriage, so his actions have spoken louder than words, and Hearts is trying to deal with getting the shorter end of the stick than she had before.

She is still having sleepless nights at the thought of bf/hubs having sex with his wife (post #1), and feeling envious when she sees him posting lovely things about wife on social media (post #11).

So the update is:

Hearts - monogamy is ideal, but would consider working towards a 50/50 split
Bf/Hub - OPP ideal, 50/50 time split eventually with his wife and Hearts, with wife only seeing other women
Wife - unrestricted poly ideal, no idea of time split preference
Wife's bf/s - no idea, as Hearts hasn't mentioned knowing him/them at all

This is an N shaped polycule, perhaps , although maybe the wife is building a star shape around her. The central couple are at odds with their visions. Hearts is, in many ways, collateral damage to a newly-opening couple, as is the wife's new bf/s

It's a limbo right now for Hearts, probably wanting bf/hub to move to serial monogamy and yet he's being pulled in the other direction, back toward his wife, initially at her behest (see post #5), and now his own wish (see post #35), even though he fantasised with Hearts about a no-wife scenario. This mixed messaging is actually part and parcel of the "relationship broken, add people" approach to polyamory, which it is likely that bf/hub and wife have done. But now they are trying to fix their relationship retrospectively, which means slowing down on time and fantasies with Hearts, fuelling Hearts' fear of loss and stinging her, actually unsurprisingly, since Hearts wants more of him, not less, and isn't really poly herself, just happens to be falling in love with a married guy she knew at 13.

So, is there a practical solution? Nothing that's in Hearts' control, because it's mostly a primary couple-centric polycule right now. Is there an inner-work solution? Always, if Hearts can bring herself to become a good poly partner, supportive of dynamics between bf/hub and his wife, as they navigate the opening-up phase of their relationship.

Hearts, do you want to become a good poly partner? Or are you determined to just wait around, hopeful that bf/hubs and his wife will divorce (post #5)? The limbo must be really uncomfortable, since your self esteem is taking repeated hits when you see him posting her on social media, but not you.

I'm confused about the wife going from insisting on goodnight texts from bf/hub while he was with Hearts and being the one demanding the reduction from three nights to two a week (post #5), to now seemingly it being bf/hubs driving the increase of time spent with wife (post #28), since these are quite a contradiction. But sometimes things rapidly evolve, or backstories take a while to develop and are hard to remember...

Yes, the 50/50 split will hopefully be a thing further in the future.

Yes, there have been fantasies I've shared with my bf. I've had to stop those fantasies, and talking about them, as I know he wants to try hard to win his wife back, who wants to sleep with other men. He has given her some options, an OPP, or split up, or no intimacy for me and him, and her and her new love interest for a short while. He is trying everything he can to fix things in his marriage. No intimacy with my bf I would find really hard!

I'm trying to deal with the shorter end of the stick. Coming to terms with this it is how it is. And waiting on his wife's decisions moving forward that will affect our relationship, he has a lot to think about. Both my bf and his wife have different visions on where they want to go, but he's trying to take him with her on that journey.

I feel in limbo land, not really knowing what will happen. I have a fear of being left, as my bf has said he's been close a few times to leaving me because of everything going on.

He is all over the place at the moment, thoughts, feelings still being processed. I don't know if I would be a full poly partner to my bf. All I can say is I'm trying in the dynamics to make it work. The game changing all the time-- one minute I'm not seeing you enough, I'm not happy, to I want to go out more and not be too upset about him and me being together anymore.

She wants to stay poly for good. He didn't think she would feel like that about him. It goes from one extreme to another with what she wants and it doesn't sit happy for him.

 

[hearts]

Hi hearts,

In Post #32, you said, "The thing is, he had a thing for me when we were 13, and then I knew him but never acted. Then we see each other and instantly clicked and it was magnetic. The way I felt seeing him again was such a rush of nerves and feelings, and he felt the same." I gather from that that you knew each other when you were 13, or at least you knew of each other, and he had a thing for you, but perhaps you did not have a thing for him at that time? However, you met up again about four months ago, and instantly had a thing for each other.

In Post #38, you said, "She knew he would want it to be fair and said at Xmas eventually he would want 50/50 with me with a discussion. And she said okay it won't be something straight away or happening yet, that is future. Difference is she already is seeing men behind his back with talks even though he wasn't happy with it or comfortable. And if she wanted to change the agreement, that needs to be spoken about properly." And I wonder if maybe you want to say, that you are a better match than her for him, that she does not love him like you do. You love him exclusively; you would never date other men behind his back.

In Post #33, you said, "He never did say he'd leave her for me, but he did say, 'What would it be like if we lived together, us being together, just me and him?' and stuff." So maybe there is some small sliver of hope that he recognizes that you are a better match for him, that he has at least thought about leaving her? I don't know how much hope to give you in that area. But it's conceivable.

Regards,
Kevin T.

I have told my BF I wouldn't go behind his back, or cheat on him, or hurt him in that way. He knows I'd be there for him. But he still loves his wife, even though she went behind his back and lied about wanting men, not women only. I wouldn't ask him to leave anyone for me. I don't know what will happen. It's very much in limbo land for me until his wife makes decisions.

 

[hearts]

Did she enthusiastically consent to 50/50 or did he tell her that's what he's doing? Telling her doesn't really give her a chance to enthusiastically consent, just like her not communicating about wanting to date men AND women didn't give him a chance to consent. Basically this entire situation sounds unethical due to lack of consent. (Saying okay or accepting something under duress, aka the threat of the relationship ending, is not consent.)

He said, "Can we talk about 50/50 for me and my gf?" She said in the future that's a possibility she could get on board with. He didn't get to decide about her seeing men. She went behind his back and now doesn't want to stop. And he wants to stop any intimacy on her end, but that might mean no intimacy for me and him, even though we are bf and gf and she has only seen this guy around a month.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi hearts,

Things are pretty crazy for you right now. Things are not fair to you. You and he are girlfriend and boyfriend, that's a little different from her only having seen this guy for about a month.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.