Jealous being the girlfriend of a man in a poly relationship with his wife

[Magdlyn]

Only 4 months. Okay, you're just barely getting started. I'd say your NRE is probably still intact on both sides. Anxiety is also part of NRE.

Does he like me as much as I like him?
Do we share life goals?
Do we share relationship goals?
Will I ever be as important as his wife?
Does he have time for me?

These are common worries a poly noob might have.

I highly recommend you both read the book Opening Up. It is chock full of answers to all the common questions. All the common speedbumps, pitfalls, roadblocks, concerns, issues that anyone new to open relationships might have is organized in this book and easily looked up.

What happened here was you just jumped in with no idea of what you were getting into, or how to do it with the least stress and pain. Sounds like your bf dropped the poly bomb on his wife too, and she doesn't know which end is up.

Slow down, step back, gather yourself, and do more research. You can also search terms on this board, such as jealousy, NRE, new to poly, and so on.

 

[Bobbi]

I agree with Mags. 4 months is super early. You are riding high on dopamine, not yet love. Dopamine makes you feel a bit obsessive, addicted, and super insecure because you want it all and if you aren’t getting it all, you look and obsess over every insecurity or issue you might see as a red flag. It is not any different than being on drugs. Behavior changes and inhibitions are lowered. It’s where poor decision-making happens and is why we say make no major decisions in the first year, especially legal ones.

His spending less time with you and prioritizing his wife of many years over your 4-month relationship are not issues, as he NEEDS to recognize that NRE had overtaken him as well, and negatively affected his life. He is correcting that as best he can to try to get back to functioning in a way that’s more him.

I know you are loving how you feel. We all love that NRE feeling. (Or at least, most of us do.) But don’t take any of it too seriously. Enjoy the time you get with him, enjoy getting to know him better, and when you aren't with him, make a point to live your life. Spend time with friends, activities, hobbies, and work on accepting that any relationships of 4 months cannot expect to be equal to a marriage. Most people need 2 or more years to even decide if they will marry their partner. It takes hardship, working through problems and making it work, long after the NRE has worn off.

During this NRE time, try not to take things too seriously. Just enjoy the way you feel and getting to know him.

 

[Brazen]

I would like to ask again if your bf and his wife have children and whether there is an age difference. Understanding this can give an insight into possible issues

As an example, I have been seeing a man who has, like me, a partner and children. We are both similar ages, not that we have to be or should be, but that, alongside our other relationships, means that we have an appreciation of our full lives, not just the time we have together. We both have incredibly busy full lives and we both acknowledge that.

 

[ref2018]

I would like to ask again if your bf and his wife have children and whether there is an age difference. Understanding this can give an insight into possible issues.

OP, please acknowledge that you have seen these questions even if you don't wish to answer them.

 

[hearts]

I am concerned that because you have strong feelings for him, you are going along with stuff that is hurting you, hoping that "one day" he will see and appreciate this "sacrifice" you are doing, when really, he is okay how it is. Are you doing that here?

You mentioned it was reduced. BF scaled it back from 3 days a week to 2 days a week. How long ago was this change?

Can you be at peace with that? Do you get enough time to make it worthwhile?

This "equal" seems to be about your BF valuing you as much as he values his wife, rather than equal time spent together. Is that true?

Why are you giving this much? Apart from time spent together, what do you need from BF to feel valued? Is he doing it?

How long ago was that? Did he keep his word? Or was he saying "whatever," to placate you in the moment, without any intention of following through? It doesn't take long to make a social media post.

How long have BF and wife been practicing poly? How long have you been dating this BF?

How do you know what his wife does on her schedule and how she spends her time? Is she telling you? Is BF telling you? If the wife is out doing something else, and BF chooses to spend this time doing something else... what's not fair about it to you? He can't go bowling, see his friends?

Where do you see this going, long term? It will not be you marrying this BF. He is already married.

When does the "eventually" happen? Do you have a time limit in mind? It already sounds like it feels bad to you here. So... what is the dealbreaker point to you?

Is he telling you that? He daydreams with you about what (you + him) would be like if he dumped his wife? If he has no intention of divorce, I think it's mean to talk about his wife like that, and mean to talk like that to you, because then he's getting your hopes up as a monogamous person. It would be kinder to tell you flat out what he can offer you, and then you could decide if that's good enough for you or not, rather than bf just stringing you along.

Only 4 months. Okay, you're just barely getting started. I'd say your NRE is probably still intact on both sides. Anxiety is also part of NRE.

Does he like me as much as I like him?
Do we share life goals?
Do we share relationship goals?
Will I ever be as important as his wife?
Does he have time for me?

These are common worries a poly noob might have.

I highly recommend you both read the book Opening Up. It is chock full of answers to all the common questions. All the common speedbumps, pitfalls, roadblocks, concerns, issues that anyone new to open relationships might have is organized in this book and easily looked up.

What happened here was you just jumped in with no idea of what you were getting into, or how to do it with the least stress and pain. Sounds like your bf dropped the poly bomb on his wife too, and she doesn't know which end is up.

Slow down, step back, gather yourself, and do more research. You can also search terms on this board, such as jealousy, NRE, new to poly, and so on.

I've actually never heard of NRE.

OP, please acknowledge that you have seen these questions, even if you don't wish to answer them.

Yes, we both have children and are the same age.

 

[Evie]

NRE stands for New Relationship Energy. It's when you're absolutely smitten with each other, often to the neglect of practicalities of managing existing relationships, or even friendships. It has long been the teenage complaint/experience that all the time is spent with the new, sometimes first, love, to the neglect of the friend group.

Fantasies are easy to manifest, and it's generally the cause of serial monogamy.

Polyamory is an alternative to serial monogamy because of that new person, in this case, you. But it sounds like you and she are struggling with his inability to manage both relationships respectfully. Does he actually know what he's doing?

 

[Bobbi]

Ive actually never heard of NRE

NRE is new relationship energy. It's the "head over heels, this person is perfect, I want to spend every minute with them" feeling, caused by dopamine chemicals in the brain that are there to keep us reproducing as “animals.”

 

[hearts]

NRE stands for New Relationship Energy. It's when you're absolutely smitten with each other often to the neglect of practicalities of managing existing relationships, or even friendships. It has long has been the teenage complaint/experience that all the time is spent with the new, sometimes first, love, to the neglect of the friend group.

Fantasies are easy to manifest, and it's generally the cause of serial monogamy.

Polyamory is an alternative to serial monogamy because of that new person, in this case, you. But it sounds like you and she are struggling with his inability to manage both relationships respectfully. Does he actually know what he's doing?

Yes, that is true. Well, it's not her that's struggling. She wants to stay poly, and he does want to stay with me and be with his wife. But he can't stand her being with other guys, and she isn't willing to change her mind on having relationships with others. No one knows what they are doing, to be honest. It feels like a loop of all sorts.

 

[Evie]

Oh dear, his situation is all too familiar around here. We have had a lot of men come in and discuss this exact thing. He likes having another significant other, but he can't handle "his women" dating others (men). I'm sure it's not a leap for you to understand the root causes of why he is so fragile about his wife, and perhaps one day you, getting sex elsewhere.

(Hint: frequently such men are not threatened by the women in their lives seeing other women. Preferably with him there, too.)

 

[hearts]

Oh dear, his situation is all too familiar around here. We have had a lot of men come in and discuss this exact thing. He likes having another significant other, but he can't handle "his women" dating others. I'm sure it's not a leap for you to understand the root causes of why he is so fragile about his wife, and perhaps one day you, getting sex elsewhere.

(Hint: frequently such men are not threatened by the women in their lives seeing other women. Preferably with him there, too.)

Well, no. It was never agreed for the other person to go with the opposite gender, and then it was changed without consent. He didn't want to be present if she went for another relationship.

 

[hearts]

NRE is new relationship energy. It's the "head over heels, this person is perfect, I want to spend every minute with them" feeling, caused by dopamine chemicals in the brain that are there to keep us reproducing as “animals.”

NRE stands for New Relationship Energy. It's when you're absolutely smitten with each other, often to the neglect of practicalities of managing existing relationships, or even friendships. It has long been the teenage complaint/experience that all the time is spent with the new, sometimes first, love, to the neglect of the friend group.

Fantasies are easy to manifest, and it's generally the cause of serial monogamy.

Polyamory is an alternative to serial monogamy because of that new person, in this case, you. But it sounds like you and she are struggling with his inability to manage both relationships respectfully. Does he actually know what he's doing?

In this situation, she isn't struggling much anymore. She wants to branch off a bit more from him, and he is worried about this.

And now he's scaling us back whilst he tries extra hard with his wife. I'm only in one relationship, with him. I don't have a significant other.

 

[hearts]

I've actually never heard of NRE.

Yes, we both have children and are the same age.

OP, please acknowledge that you have seen these questions even if you don't wish to answer them.

I agree with Mags. 4 months is super early. You are riding high on dopamine, not yet love. Dopamine makes you feel a bit obsessive, addicted, and super insecure because you want it all and if you aren’t getting it all, you look and obsess over every insecurity or issue you might see as a red flag. It is not any different than being on drugs. Behavior changes and inhibitions are lowered. It’s where poor decision-making happens and is why we say make no major decisions in the first year, especially legal ones.

His spending less time with you and prioritizing his wife of many years over your 4-month relationship are not issues, as he NEEDS to recognize that NRE had overtaken him as well, and negatively affected his life. He is correcting that as best he can to try to get back to functioning in a way that’s more him.

I know you are loving how you feel. We all love that NRE feeling. (Or at least, most of us do.) But don’t take any of it too seriously. Enjoy the time you get with him, enjoy getting to know him better, and when you aren't with him, make a point to live your life. Spend time with friends, activities, hobbies, and work on accepting that any relationships of 4 months cannot expect to be equal to a marriage. Most people need 2 or more years to even decide if they will marry their partner. It takes hardship, working through problems and making it work, long after the NRE has worn off.

During this NRE time, try not to take things too seriously. Just enjoy the way you feel and getting to know him.

That's really good advice. Thank you. I feel the NRE is still present.

I've been hurt so much in past relationships (mono) that I'm always a bit like this. It is so new to me, the whole sharing thing, jealousy of the person that gets to be with him all the time, and that he loves her. You always think, "Does he feel the same with me as he does her? Am I good enough? Is she better than me? Do I make him have more fun with me? Am I better in bed than her?"

The thing is, he had a thing for me when we were 13, and then I knew him but never acted. Then we see each other and instantly clicked and it was magnetic. The way I felt seeing him again was such a rush of nerves and feelings, and he felt the same.

I want to make it work.

He is unsure about his wife, as she wants to see guys, when that was never the agreement upon being poly. It was same gender only she wanted, and he accepted that. Then that all changed and he's worrying now about the state of his marriage. So it's put strain on us moving forwards and stuff. It's just hard at the moment.

 

[hearts]

You want all of him, but he's not available for that. You won't get what you want poly-dating with married-guy. Gather your dignity around you, and end it with him before it gets more toxic for you. Get out of this situation, go find someone you don't have to share, someone you don't have to ask to post about you on social media. It will kill for a while, but someday you'll look back on this as a learning experience.

I know he always said he wanted to eventually spend 50/50 with both of us, and be with me and his wife. But now his wife wants to do stuff not in the original agreement. So he has scaled it back with me to be with her to try and sort stuff. But she is happy now with the arrangements.

He never did say he'd leave her for me, but he did say, "What would it be like if we lived together, us being together, just me and him?" and stuff.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

hearts - wants monogamy
Partner - wants a OPP (one penis policy)/mono-poly (monogamous for others, poly for him)
Wife - wants polyamory

The wife is the only one satisfied with the current relationship structure. Your partner MIGHT be, if he works on his own jealousy/insecurity, because his wife having another committed partner doesn't really affect him if he is spending that time with you. Could you be okay with it too, if he were able to commit to 50/50? Or have you looked at your jealousy and decided you want 100% of his time, so this is not for you?

I would be hesitant to trust someone who is blaming another partner for changing the rules (by starting to date men vs dating women) without discussion, yet leads you to believe that cohabitation, or a 50/50 time split, is possible, without discussing it with her as well (since they presumably share the kids and house expenses currently).

 

[hearts]

I've actually never heard of NRE.

Yes, we both have children and are the same age.

I've actually never heard of NRE.

Yes, we both have children and are the same age.

hearts - wants monogamy
Partner - wants a OPP (one penis policy)/mono-poly (monogamous for others, poly for him)
Wife - wants polyamory

The wife is the only one satisfied with the current relationship structure. Your partner MIGHT be, if he works on his own jealousy/insecurity, because his wife having another committed partner doesn't really affect him if he is spending that time with you. Could you be okay with it too, if he were able to commit to 50/50? Or have you looked at your jealousy and decided you want 100% of his time, so this is not for you?

I would be hesitant to trust someone who is blaming another partner for changing the rules (by starting to date men vs dating women) without discussion, yet leads you to believe that cohabitation, or a 50/50 time split, is possible, without discussing it with her as well (since they presumably share the kids and house expenses currently).

Hearts me( yes but would try later down the line with 50/50
Him( wants one penis poly for wife and have us both and eventually 50/50 time shared, and he has said he wouldn't want poly forever but wife does..
Her (poly not going back to mono again for a very long time.

The thing is i would but he would not have agreed to poly if she said she wanted men too she is BI so she said same gender only. Then didn't agree to new terms and she went behind his back.

She knows that he will eventually want 50/50 and fairness! Share kids and my kids and his kids get along too. And i would want to see how I feel about the future like that before I said no its not for me. And he isn't a totally a stranger to me as we knew each other as teenagers, and then seen each other and it was instant and electric and he said he aways had a thing for me and yes I do love him and yes its soon but thats how I feel about him.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

But why is it okay for him to change the rules but not her? Why is it ok for him to date other women but not her to date other men?

My entire point is that he has incredibly unfair expectations. You are quick to judge his wife for changing rules but don't seem to have the same judgment for him wanting to do the same.

You can obviously do what you want, but I'm not sure how any of you expect it to end well if everyone is wanting different things.

 

[Evie]

Again, extremely common that men are only comfortable with their partner(s) seeing other women. And very common that a couple open "to allow her to explore with women" but then she meets another man, because she's attracted to men, too. The more rules you have to try and control each others love and sex life, the more rules that will get broken.

 

[hearts]

But why is it okay for him to change the rules but not her? Why is it ok for him to date other women but not her to date other men?

My entire point is that he has incredibly unfair expectations. You are quick to judge his wife for changing rules but don't seem to have the same judgment for him wanting to do the same.

You can obviously do what you want, but I'm not sure how any of you expect it to end well if everyone is wanting different things.

He didn't she knew he would want it to be fair and said at xmas eventually he would want 50/50 with me with a discussion. And she said ok it wont be something straight away or happening yet that is future. Difference is she already is seeing men behind his back with talks even though he wasn't happy with it or comfortable. And if she wanted to change the agreement that needs to be spoken about properly.

I know it can ether go he wants mono and she wants poly so they end then il be with him mono.

Or she stays poly and he gets better with it or

But why is it okay for him to change the rules but not her? Why is it ok for him to date other women but not her to date other men?

My entire point is that he has incredibly unfair expectations. You are quick to judge his wife for changing rules but don't seem to have the same judgment for him wanting to do the same.

You can obviously do what you want, but I'm not sure how any of you expect it to end well if everyone is wanting different things.

He didn't he said for future he would want fairness and 50/50 in th

But why is it okay for him to change the rules but not her? Why is it ok for him to date other women but not her to date other men?

My entire point is that he has incredibly unfair expectations. You are quick to judge his wife for changing rules but don't seem to have the same judgment for him wanting to do the same.

You can obviously do what you want, but I'm not sure how any of you expect it to end well if everyone is wanting different things.

Well he hasn't changed the rules he asked her about fairness and eventually 6 months a year down the line me and him be 50/50 split and she was ok with that.

But she did not have proper talks with him about being with other men but just went ahead anyway even though he wasn't happy about it.

Yes true ether she wants to stay poly or be single. Or he wants to stick with her being unhappy with arrangements and be poly mono. But then he could not cope and be mono just with me and I could see how more time with him amd commitments go and hopfully it helps

 

[hearts]

Again, extremely common that men are only comfortable with their partner(s) seeing other women. And very common that a couple open "to allow her to explore with women" but then she meets another man, because she's attracted to me, too. The more rules you have to try and control each others love and sex life, the more rules that will get broken.

Thing is she said only one gender for herself and thats how she got him to agree to poly. I do agree the more rules the more deceit and upset.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think you know too much about what is going on in their marriage, from him oversharing with you. You are not the "free therapist." That might be fueling your jealousy -- him dumping all this stuff on you, leaving you wondering why he puts up with it, does all this stuff to "keep" her, etc.

For your own mental health, and because it's only been 4 months of dating, I think you could step back and tell him you don't want to know details about their marriage problems, and ask him to find himself a poly counselor to air those issues out with. It should not be you. Usually people try to put their best foot forward in the early days. Is THIS all he has for his "best?"

You could also choose to end it with him and tell him to look you back up when he can actually offer you monogamy or a 50-50 split. Right now he can't offer either. He can't even offer 50-50 time until 6-12 months out from now. Being put "on hold" for 6-12 months, while he gets himself together... I'm not sure I'd sign up for that. Why would you?

It might be great for HIM to keep you around as his free therapist and back-up plan, but I don't see what YOU get out of that deal. It sounds like a drag. And since you are monogamous, putting all your energy into him prevents you from dating other people who might be more compatible and COULD offer you the monogamy you seek NOW.

You sound like you are going to accept this treatment until you get to that 50-50 point (if it ever even comes), before you decide if you will drop him or not. I guess if you feel like waiting 6-12 months to see if he makes good on that promise, you could choose that path. But I think you could think it out NOW before you invest more here. Would that 50-50 split even be enough for you to make peace with the fact that you won't ever get monogamy with him?

What if he starts dating more partners? What would the split be then? Picking him to be to be your one sweetie, giving up monogamy... are you okay with that in your core values? Or over time would you come to resent your choice?

Are you okay with being "on hold" until he makes up his mind?

Galagirl