Jealous looking in from the outside

[Cougarwolf]

Hello,

I'm looking for some possible insight or advice. My wife and I have recently decided to open ourselves to the poly lifestyle, possibly before we were fully ready. For example, I thought of dating and she went for a hookup, which caused me some issues.

One of the main things that has popped up is jealousy. For the most part, I can work through it, but the situation with who she is seeing is not helping.

The person she is seeing will hook up with her, then go silent for a few days, then contact her to meet later that night, and she'll start rushing to get ready to meet him.

I feel just pushed to the side. I also feel like he just has her at his beck and call. She views it as a FWB since that chat, but the only time they see each other is for sex.

Another thing is, she has given him her phone number, but he only wants to chat on the website they met. As such, he “never knows" when he gets her messages. He also has a roommate, so they can’t meet at his place, only in his semi at a roadside park or similar.

This situation has so many red flags to me, but she says there aren’t any, and it’s just because I am on the outside of it and don’t know everything.

She also doesn’t have too much dating experience-- just 3 BFs in her life. One is an ex-husband and one is me, her current husband.

She has admitted to having some feelings for him, and to be a little jealous thinking he might be seeing others, but too scared to ask him how he views their relationship.

I know I have standards of how I want her treated by others, like being respectful. I want her to be happy, but don’t want her to get hurt.

Is this just my insecurities manifesting, along with jealousy? If so, any advice to get through it?

We have discussed a few things and are planning on having a sit down discussion concerning various things so we are on the same page.

 

[Cougarwolf]

Just wanted to add in case y’all think this might play into it. In the 6 weeks we have opened ourselves up, she has been approached by multiple people, and I have used 3 different dating apps with no replies or interests.

 

[GuardianNoodle]

I think that it is totally fair to have concerns about how your metamours are treating your partner. They are someone you love and care about and you want to see them happy. On the other hand, it's not really fair to your partner for you to dictate who and how your partner dates, IMO.

I have definitely had the experience of feeling jealous of how easily my partner is able to find matches, not necessarily of the people she is dating. Trying to find someone through dating apps is much harder for men already, and then add on top that you are poly, which many people will avoid I probably get 1 match for every 100ish likes I send. Of the ones that weren't scams, most of those are not really panning out.

You may want to consider finding a poly-friendly relationship councilor or therapist to help work through these emotions.

 

[Magdlyn]

First of all, women get hit on more than men do. Women get hit on by all types of guys. Most of them are unworthy of notice.

Of all the hits I get on dating apps, I might go on a first date with one out of fifty. Out of those first dates, one in ten might end up becoming a relationship. So really, the odds are good for getting some cheap sex, and the odds of actually finding love, as in, actually doing polyamory, are extremely low.

Women are much more cautious, usually, about who they will go meet up with, since we are more vulnerable physically. You might have to wait longer, but the chances you find something real are basically similar to what your wife might find.

Now, to your situation at hand. It sounds like your wife is having fun just having some NSA sex for now. As long as she is safe, I see nothing wrong with it, unless she is also neglecting your needs as she goes through her kid in a candy store era.

What is at the root of your jealousy? Are you envious she is getting sex with someone else? Are you upset she just wants hookups and you want love? Are you mad she's calling it a FWB when it's basically a FB? Is it mostly that she runs off at the spur of the moment and leaves you hanging when you thought you and she had a date?

 

[Cougarwolf]

I think that it is totally fair to have concerns about how your metamours are treating your partner, they are someone that you love and care about and want to see them happy. On the other hand its not really fair to your partner for you to dictate who and how your partner dates IMO.

I have definitely had the experience of feeling jealous of how easy my partner is able to find matches, not necessarily of the people she is dating. Trying to find someone through dating apps is much harder for men already and then add on top that you are poly which many people will avoid and i probably get 1 match for every 100ish likes i send. Of the ones that weren't scams most of those are not really panning out.

you may want to consider finding a poly friendly relationship councilor or therapist to help work through these emotions.

I've already scheduled a therapist due to other issues and plan on talking with them about this. Like I said, I see red flags and she doesn’t. The only restriction we are looking at is the 24-hour one, to try and keep our relationship good and have enough time with each other. We reserve any type of veto for toxic partners. Other than that, we each respect the privacy of the other. I trust she is not trying to leave me and will always come home. And in many ways, our relationship has gotten better.

 

[Magdlyn]

I've already scheduled a therapist due to other issues and plan on talking with them about this. Like I said, I see red flags and she doesn’t. The only restriction we are looking at is the 24-hour one, to try and keep our relationship good and have enough time with each other. We reserve any type of veto for toxic partners. Other than that, we each respect the privacy of the other. I trust she is not trying to leave me and will always come home. And in many ways, our relationship has gotten better.

What is your "24-hour" restriction?

 

[Evie]

It's a way to prevent her from being available to the truck driver when he's in the vicinity.

 

[Bobbi]

I thought of dating and she went for a hookup, which caused me some issues.

It can be a shock when what you thought it would look like with your partner isn’t reality. Some people are okay with having hookups, but not emotional connections, and others are the complete opposite. I encourage you to do some self work on accepting whatever kind of relationships she wants being okay, and her too, if that’s an issue.

I feel just pushed to the side.

If these hookups are last minute, you might want to make certain days or times preset as quality time with you (or have some other courtesy rule like at least 8 hour's notice). During those times you both are committed to having quality time with each other and neither should be accessing phones during those times or skipping out. It is difficult when a mono couple living together starts dating, because it’s assumed that evening time is theirs.

Another thing is, she has given him her phone number, but he only wants to chat on the website they met. As such, he “never knows" when he gets her messages. He also has a roommate, so they can’t meet at his place, only in his semi at a roadside park or similar.

I see the red flags you are talking about here. When you combine it all, it feels like he might be cheating. All you can do is talk about this. She can take your advice under consideration, but in the end it is her decision.

You cannot stop her from making mistakes. She will have to learn them on her own. Over time, she will learn, through experience, what to look out for and when she might be being fed bullshit or not.

She also doesn’t have too much dating experience-- just 3 BFs in her life.

It will be a learning experience, but she has to learn for herself. Be there for her when she falls, because she will. We all do..

too scared to ask him how he views their relationship.

My guess is because she already suspects she means nothing to him and she doesn’t want to hear the truth. It’s hard when your partner points out all the red flags, you defend it all and then find out it might be true. Nobody wants to hear, “I told you so.” Make sure you never do that. Try to always be supportive, no matter what. Make it a safe space to make mistakes and she will be able to self-correct more quickly in the future.

but don’t want her to get hurt.

You cannot control that. When you are having relationships, you will get hurt, and so will she. Having standards will not stop that from happening.

We have discussed a few things and are planning on having a sit-down discussion concerning various things so we are on the same page.

This should be a constant. Read books, listen to podcasts and even post here and talk about EVERYTHING. You need to be thinking you are over-communicating, because there's no such thing. Your pages will change quickly sometimes as you grow and learn/experience more and what you thought doesn’t apply any more. Dig deep and never stop.

 

[Cougarwolf]

What is your "24-hour" restriction?

It’s so that no last-minute hookups prevent one of us from doing something that might be a surprise romantic gesture, or should one of us just plan to spend quality time with the other. A plan ahead kind of thing.

 

[Cougarwolf]

It's a way to prevent her from being available to the truck driver when he's in the vicinity.

More along, I had a surprise planned since you had no plans kind of thing. Not letting a last minute meet up interfere with something going on with us.

 

[Magdlyn]

It’s so that no last-minute hookups prevent one of us from doing something that might be a surprise romantic gesture, or should one of us just plan to spend quality time with the other. A plan-ahead kind of thing.

More along, I had a surprise planned, since you had no plans, kind of thing. Not letting a last minute meet-up interfere with something going on with us.

Hmm. Are you the kind of guy who often plans a last-minute surprise romantic-gesture thing? In that case, her having "no plans" now still doesn't mean it's "your night to do X surprise thing." You two need to make certain nights your own couple nights. If she agrees to that, say, like Tuesday night is my night with Hubs, then you can plan your surprise for that night. You can no longer assume every night is yours, unless she's made a 24 hour in advance date with someone else.

I remember when I was first dating (after separating from my mono marriage), and just enjoying the attention and sex. I found that a lot of hot guys would want to meet "NOW." If I felt ready to go, I would. I'd cleared the weekends for dates with my new poly gf, but any weekday/afternoon/night I was free to go do whatever with whoever I wanted (if I wasn't working). I could see family, platonic friends, do my hobbies, or go to dinner with and/or fuck that super hot hottie who'd charmed me on the dating app.

If my gf wanted to plan a special surprise activity for us on the weekend, she totally could.

 

[Evie]

Those who have being doing polyamory a long time will generally say that the scheduling is key. Make your own date nights and plan surprises for those. "You had no plans (with someone else)" negates the possibility that the plans might be with herself. A bubble bath and a book, or a night on the gaming console. Whatever recharges her batteries.

 

[Cougarwolf]

Hmm. Are you the kind of guy who often plans a last-minute surprise romantic-gesture thing? In that case, her having "no plans" now still doesn't mean it's "your night to do X surprise thing." You two need to make certain nights your own couple nights. If she agrees to that, say, like Tuesday night is my night with Hubs, then you can plan your surprise for that night. You can no longer assume every night is yours, unless she's made a 24 hour in advance date with someone else.

I remember when I was first dating (after separating from my mono marriage), and just enjoying the attention and sex. I found that a lot of hot guys would want to meet "NOW." If I felt ready to go, I would. I'd cleared the weekends for dates with my new poly gf, but any weekday/afternoon/night I was free to go do whatever with whoever I wanted (if I wasn't working). I could see family, platonic friends, do my hobbies, or go to dinner with and/or fuck that super hot hottie who'd charmed me on the dating app.

If my gf wanted to plan a special surprise activity for us on the weekend, she totally could.

Full story from yesterday/last night. He messaged her after 3 days of no contact at 4 AM that he was wanting to do something that night , she told me they might do something. I was fine, just my normal insecurities I am working on. We have a special needs son and I know she needs time off so to speak. Well at 9:30, after she did her normal bedtime routine, and started falling asleep, she checked her messages on the app and scrolling through posts. Then she gets a message saying I am about to hit the road, can you meet me in about 30 mins, and suddenly she is up and getting ready. Needless to say that kinda pissed me off as we were cuddling and we had plan to discuss school issues our child is having when she started falling asleep. Just looking for boundaries and advice on how to set healthy boundaries.

 

[Cougarwolf]

Hmm. Are you the kind of guy who often plans a last-minute surprise romantic-gesture thing? In that case, her having "no plans" now still doesn't mean it's "your night to do X surprise thing." You two need to make certain nights your own couple nights. If she agrees to that, say, like Tuesday night is my night with Hubs, then you can plan your surprise for that night. You can no longer assume every night is yours, unless she's made a 24 hour in advance date with someone else.

I remember when I was first dating (after separating from my mono marriage), and just enjoying the attention and sex. I found that a lot of hot guys would want to meet "NOW." If I felt ready to go, I would. I'd cleared the weekends for dates with my new poly gf, but any weekday/afternoon/night I was free to go do whatever with whoever I wanted (if I wasn't working). I could see family, platonic friends, do my hobbies, or go to dinner with and/or fuck that super hot hottie who'd charmed me on the dating app.

If my gf wanted to plan a special surprise activity for us on the weekend, she totally could.

That’s why I have asked we discuss the 24 hour thing, and we have a date planned for us time and to discuss everything

 

[Magdlyn]

Full story from yesterday/last night. He messaged her after 3 days of no contact at 4 AM that he was wanting to do something that night , she told me they might do something. I was fine, just my normal insecurities I am working on. We have a special needs son and I know she needs time off so to speak. Well at 9:30, after she did her normal bedtime routine, and started falling asleep, she checked her messages on the app and scrolling through posts. Then she gets a message saying I am about to hit the road, can you meet me in about 30 mins, and suddenly she is up and getting ready. Needless to say that kinda pissed me off as we were cuddling and we had plan to discuss school issues our child is having when she started falling asleep. Just looking for boundaries and advice on how to set healthy boundaries.

It seems like she made two different plans for the same night, one to get it on with hot trucker, and one to discuss your child's school issues. When faced with the choice of a boring stressful school discussion, and a hot sex date with new guy, she chose the sex date!

This is NRE in full swing, ignoring life's responsibilities to go get it on, double-booking, breaking agreements and promises. It's not a 24-hour rule thing.

Again, you need days of the week set up, that are for her and you, and no one else.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I could be wrong in my impressions from your post, but to me, for all she calls it "FWBs," I'm not seeing much friendship here. It sounds like she's signed up to be his booty call when he's in town, and when he calls, she drops everything and is out to door to get some.

Even though on her side it's no-strings-attached sex, you are basically in poly hell. These last-minute booty calls are intrusive.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Maybe you both want to read that together.

He also has a roommate, so they can’t meet at his place, only in his semi at a roadside park or similar.

I kinda wonder if the "roomie" is actually a partner or spouse.

Last I checked, adult roomies work out something so they can host their guests, like, they just close their bedroom door during sex, and try not to be obnoxiously loud, or they take turns clearing out to have the flat to themselves.

But, you know what? This is why you need to detangle.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

The Other Skipped Step in Opening Up — MAKING POLYAMORY WORK

Transcript Why is it that some monogamous couples who open up their relationship end up blowing everything apart while others don't are the people who make it work just better. People immune to jealousy at one, with the abundance of love while the people who end up bitter and broken, just aren't

www.makingpolyamorywork.com

I know you care about her as your spouse. You can talk to her about reasonable safety things. But in the end, she's got to learn for herself how to vet people, hopefully sooner rather than later, and without falling prey to any serious harm.

I don't think you are the "teacher" for that.

Needless to say, that kinda pissed me off, as we were cuddling and we had plans to discuss school issues our child is having, when she started falling asleep.

If you have a kid with special needs, and were trying to talk about parenting, when she just jumped up to ditch you and the parenting talk, and took off for sex, she basically stood you up. I can see being upset about that. Falling asleep is ALSO standing you up on the parenting talk, but perhaps one you'd forgive, if she's tired. But it sticks in your craw if she wakes up enough to chase the New Shiny Person!

You do NOT have "automatic dibs" on all her free time, but you DO get to have your own times with her as a coparent and as a romantic partner. Standing you up for either of those when it was scheduled is not great behavior. Make sure you have regular date nights with her, and also regular "business" times with her to deal with the home, the parenting, the chores, etc.

She might calm down from this "kid in a candy store" thing, or she might not. You might look at her differently, now that you've seen this side of her. You might not enjoy this side of her. She's more of a risk taker than you thought. That's neither here nor there. But it's a surprise for you, and if you are one of her lovers, you have to talk about the safer sex practices she uses with you AND her other partners. You have your own risk profile and sex health concerns to manage.

Dumping chores/parenting things on you is not great. That's one issue.

The other issue is that you might want polyamory on your side -- a long term relationship with another partner, while she might want "open" -- just casual sex, ENM or something else. Just because you were compatible for monogamy doesn't mean you are automatically compatible for non-monogamy together. There are many different kinds of non-monogamy, and your way of doing things might not align with hers. Some couples can manage an open-poly "mixed marriage," but others can't.

You might consider couple's counseling. YMMV, but you could try finding a counselor experienced in ethical open/poly relationships here:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

You seem to know that you both jumped in underprepared. So catch up on doing the work. While waiting for a counseling appointment, you can read Opening Up for free online here:

Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

xxv, 346 p. ; 22 cm

archive.org

Read and talk about the pitfalls and how you two are coping with those.

Wayback Machine

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Cougarwolf]

Maybe you both want to read that together

I read that earlier. She is going to read and and we plan on discussing it.

 

[Cougarwolf]

I kinda wonder if the "roomie" is actually a partner or spouse.

Last I checked, adult roomies work out something so they can host their guests, like, just close the bedroom door during sex, and try not to be obnoxiously loud, maybe take turns clearing out to have the flat to themselves.

That’s one of the red flags I see, but she doesn’t.

 

[Bobbi]

4 AM that he was wanting to do something that night

At 9:30, after she did her normal bedtime routine, and started falling asleep, she checked her messages on the app and scrolling through posts. She gets a message saying "I am about to hit the road."

Red flags are blazing here. Regardless, I see why you are pissed. I would be if I were her, too! If he cannot plan a time, or at least an estimate of time when he can meet, or contact her to at least give her a more concrete time to meet, that is way too disruptive, not only to you and her, but possibly your child, as well.

She was in bed, falling asleep! Day over! This was not cool. That level of rudeness means he doesn’t give a crap about her. Nobody messages after 9 at night, unless they know that person is up and wanting to hear from them.

She should also use do not disturb on her phone so she doesn't get notifications during sleep hours.

 

[Cougarwolf]

Red flags are blazing here. Regardless, I see why you are pissed. I would be if I were her, too! If he cannot plan a time, or at least an estimate of time when he can meet, or contact her to at least give her a more concrete time to meet, that is way too disruptive, not only to you and her, but possibly your child, as well.

She was in bed, falling asleep! Day over! This was not cool. That level of rudeness means he doesn’t give a crap about her. Nobody messages after 9 at night unless they know that person is up and wanting to hear from them.
She should also use do not disturb on her phone so she doesn't get notifications during sleep hours.

I am thinking it’s NRE for her part. She has some low self esteem that he is feeding. It makes her feel wanted and pretty. Hoping that either I am seeing something that is not there, or she becomes aware of it. When brought up though, she likes the relationship she has with him, so I am trying to just stay out of it and let whatever happens, happens.