Jealousy during difficult times

T

Twomaybetoofew

New member
As a newbie to navigating the hazards of polyamory this is one for me. My LDR lover has an LDR boyfriend herself. I am not normally a very jealous person and what minor twinges I get are coped with through reassurance and talking to her. While this is the case it is not the case when we are currently fighting. How do I cope with jealousy when, using the case of right now for me, I have to give her space during an argument and I know shes gone off and is being affectionate with him (yes I know for certain she is due to her habit of blatant relationship based profile pics)? Asking her not to talk to him during the fight would be counter productive as she gets very emotional and pushes back hard among other reasons.

In short, how do I manage my jealousy when we are on bad terms at the time and cannot talk?
 
I experience jealous more as a combination of pain, hurt, longing and confusion/frustration. I don't get angry though I can get frustrated with myself and the situation.

What tends to trigger my jealousy is her attention, love and affection being elsewhere and me not being able to have it. Being deprived of it while someone else gets it. In this particular situation I feel jealousy because she is talking to the other guy and I cannot talk to her and be on good terms with her due to the fight we had.
 
Twomaybetoofew said:
What tends to trigger my jealousy is her attention, love and affection being elsewhere and me not being able to have it. Being deprived of it while someone else gets it.
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Yes, that is part and parcel of being new to poly. Sometimes our poly partner will be occupied with someone else, and we have to wait our turn.

Ideally you learn to have compersion, and take pleasure in your partner's happiness with their OSO. This can take some time and work at first for some. For others it seems to come more naturally.

In this particular situation I feel jealousy because she is talking to the other guy and I cannot talk to her and be on good terms with her due to the fight we had.
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LDRs are the hardest kind of relationship to have. We do tend to speculate that our distant partner is having a fine old time with her OSO while we sit alone and lonely (whether we've just had an argument or not is rather irrelevant). Why not seek a local partner and get all the goodies of frequent in person contact? Your name implies you'd like at least two partners, if not more...
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

FWIW, my 2 cents.

Could anything on page 4 & 5 help?
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

I think taking a "time out" to collect thoughts and not go at it all hot-headed when having a disagreement is a good thing. You are trying to DE-escalate, not escalate things. Seek to be problem-solvers together, not blame or get into a pissing contest of "You did X!" "Yea, but you did Y!" That kind of merry-go-round just adds to the load, it doesn't solve anything.

Perhaps you could remind yourself of that -- what the goal behaviors are and what problem behaviors to avoid. Conflict resolution doesn't have to be the end of the world. Like with anything else, it is a skill to be learned.

I assume you know when the time out is over, and you have a date set to talk calmly. If not, ask to set it. I usually go something like

"I need a time out to cool off on this first. I think at least a week. If you don't hear from me sooner than next Friday, check in Friday and I promise to give an update or set a firm date to talk this out."​

Because I know it is not fair to leave the other person hanging forever. But I don't want them bugging me every day. Having some known boundaries is a good thing.

Or I go

"I see you need and want a time out. I can respect that. On my end, I need to know I won't be left hanging forever on this issue. Could you be willing to check in a week later? And if I don't hear from you before Friday, can I check in Friday and expect an update or a set date to talk?"​

if I'm on the other side of the equation.

Since you are IN the time out, go ahead and organize your thoughts.

  • Figure out which kind of jealousy it is (page 4) and figure out what you need to better cope with it.

  • Make a list of things YOU can do to cope with whatever it is you deal with. Then start knocking them off.

  • Make a list of behaviors you would like to request from just her.

  • Make a list of behaviors you would like BOTH to do.

When I am struggling with anxiety (or whatever it is), it is my practice to email my spouse the heads up. I call it the HAALT email.

Hungry
Anxious
Angry
Lonely
Tired

I state the problem(s)

I list those HAALT things in the email and tell him where I am at in each category. He knows I have to put my own oxygen mask on first or else I am no good in discussion with him later.

I list what I plan to do to help myself. (So he can help hold me accountable.) I cannot do serious relationship talk if I am hungry or tired, and fixing myself food and sleeping are behaviors I can do on my own. I don't need his help there.

I list what I would like him to do when. (So he's not ADDING to my load and driving me crazy. He can help to TAKE AWAY from my load.)

I list what I would like us to do together.

My stuff to do.
His stuff to do, if he's willing.
Our stuff to do, if he's willing.

Helps get us on to dealing with problem solving and working our behaviors. Not all caught up in resentful feelings and whatnot. Those will clear up on their own if behaviors get changed.

Hope that helps some.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl, this advice is well and good, but the OP's other thread reveals this Long Distance GF is an erotic role player partner. He is also married and his wife knows he has this pseudo sex, but doesn't know he has fallen in love with his current cybersex partner.

And she's already not that cool with him having this sex, much less having the feels about the woman he is currently pseudo-fucking.

Ergo, he isn't polyamorous. He is cheating.
 
Thank you for your very helpful input Galagirl... and also your two cents Magdlyn.

Galagirl that was a very helpful and useful. Your breakdown of advice on how to deal with longer lasting fights was interesting and constructive, I will definitely think more about these things next time I need to do some conflict resolution in my life! The pdf was also fascinating. I read the whole thing. This is not the kind of thing that people are exposed to in mainstream society but this is information that regardless of poly or mono would be beneficial. I know far too many people who let jealousy rule and ruin their lives because they know no different.

Magdlyn, I am sorry you have come into this thread incredibly judgementally. I do not mind criticism of the messy situation I have found myself in, your input in the other thread was much more constructive. I personally would have thought the poly community would have a little more tolerance for people who spent their lives mono and blundered into a situation like my own, especially when they are trying to fix things. I also would have thought that you have paid more attention to posts. If you had you would know that my wife struggles, often significantly so with her feelings, but is ok with the idea of my "psuedo-fucking". We are in a very inbetween place and I am doing my best to bring the messy situation I am in to a good place we are all happy with. I doubt I am the first nor the last person to be coming to the community because they found themselves in a situation they never envisioned that has made them question what they thought they knew of romantic love. Not all of us realise or take seriously the possibilities so early or clearly.

Overall though I have found the forum extremely constructive and supportive and have appreciated that.
 
Hey, I like to call a spade a spade. You're not the first person to cheat... having "sex" often leads to love. I am glad your wife is sort of OK with your cybersex. And so far it was just that, sex. But now you've got a situation.

Some partners who are mono minded are OK with their partner having emotions towards others as long as there is no sex. Some are OK with sex and no emotions (like swingers). But emotions often follow sex, whether actual sex, or cyber.

I didn't call you any names. That is not allowed here. I also "fell in love" on the internet when my 30 year marriage was swirling the drain back in 2008. I used to cyber with the guy, just in chat, no animation. It was cheating. My ex h wasn't aware. Until he was. And then, we broke up. The falling in love with another was more a symptom of the many unresolvable issues in my marriage. We'd done counseling several times over the decades, and tried it one more time after I "fell in love" with another. In our case, it was best to just finally call it quits. We'd grown apart.
 
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Thank you for explaining. I mistook for you abruptness and bluntness for being judgemental. Hearing your experience definitely helps me understand where you are coming from when you talk about this. I do have a situation and I do need to resolve it in a way we can all be happy with. I do not feel I have grown apart from my wife though, I still love her, want to stay with her and be with her for the rest of my life. If things cannot be resolved well through just us talking through this together then counselling will be sought.
 
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