Jealousy in friend/potential other

[LavenderLilacMauve]

My fiance (lets call him Flame) and I have been together for three years. There is a woman who pops in and out of his life (she can be Storm). They have never had a romantic or sexual relationship, although she would like this. However she has major jealousy issues and so he has repeatedly told her that to pursue a romantic attachment with him would only hurt her as he is poly and she is mono and would never be able to share him (her words).

In the past Storm has caused some issues for us by spreading rumours designed to disrupt my relationship with Flame. One of these where his trust in me was briefly shaken until he realised that the screenshots she had shown him of me apparently indulging in online sex with another man behind his back, were faked. He could quite clearly see it once I pointed some glaringly obvious issues with the screenshots, but the initial shock of it and him being angry with me at first was not great. It took us a few weeks to get back into our groove.

Me being with another isn't necessarily the issue, although as I'm mono it's not something that he would have expected. But we have in the past talked about me discussing something like that with him before trying it, so that he can support me properly. That Flame thought I had gone ahead with this without speaking to him first upset me, and more so that he had just taken Storm's word for it and gotten himself angry before speaking to me.

The issue now is that Storm's most recent relationship has ended and she's back in his DM's asking him out for dinner. I dislike that she uses him as back up for when she's single and wanting attention. I also dislike that he's allowing it to happen. I don't want her in our lives (and yes, as she can't seem to be in Flame's life without trying to get me out of it, then she is in OUR lives) but when I talk with him about it, I think he sees it as jealousy, where I see it as self preservation because I don't want to go through more of that nonsense.

When we've spoken about it before I've asked why he's still pursuing something with her, or allowing her to think there is an opening for something more, when he knows it will end in hurt. He's also told me that he doesn't trust her, so I've asked why he's still indulging her if that's the case. Is there another way to approach this that I'm not seeing?

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, stop seeing him. Break off your engagement. I would not be in a relationship with Flame, much less marry him (heaven forbid!), since he's allowing this woman to be such a disruptive force. Even if he did cut her entirely out of his life, I'd still distrust him. She seems so... searching for an adjective... distasteful, harmful, repulsive.

I truly wonder what he thinks he's getting out of letting her hang around, being such a destructive influence.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this keeps happening because Flame keeps letting Storm back into his life rather than just doing a friend break up/stalker break up. If Storm were a man bothering a woman like this, wanting a romantic relationship, and not respecting Flame's "No, thanks" it would be harassment, right? It's harassment NOW.

That Flame thought I had gone ahead with this without speaking to him first upset me, and more so that he had just taken Storm's word for it and gotten himself angry before speaking to me.

That's not great. You might reconsider this person as dating/marriage partner. Flame also is too influenced by Storm. And he gives the harassment a pass.

When I talk with him about it, I think he sees it as jealousy, where I see it as self-preservation, because I don't want to go through more of that nonsense.

There's a point where there's been enough talking and it's time to move on to actions. Drop Flame. Then you are rid of hothead him AND weird Storm.

Call it a successful engagement. It is not the "big win" that leads to planning a wedding. It's the "smaller win" that has let you see that you two are NOT deeply compatible. He lets you down in big ways, he tolerates/enables poor behaviors from Storm even if he doesn't trust Storm. He allows Storm to bring drama into his life/your life.

You'd be best off NOT marrying Flame and dropping him instead. You won't suffer the financial costs of a wedding, a subsequent divorce, and all the stress/mental health/emotional health dings from all that. You will have dodged a bullet. Take the smaller win.

He's also told me that he doesn't trust her, so I've asked why he's still indulging her, if that's the case.

You can bow out and leave them their to their weird dynamic. Flame himself doesn't sound healthy if he wants to pal around with someone he does not trust.

You can choose to be free of all this drama.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi LavenderLMauve,

He can think it's jealousy all the day long, but the truth of the matter is that she is a bad influence on him, and he is letting her have access to him. Heck even if it is jealousy, it is justified/appropriate jealousy as you can see she is a real threat to you. My inclination would be to insist that he choose, her or you, but I don't suppose you would want to take that chance. Regardless, you are definitely not in the wrong here. She has no business involving herself in his life, and he has no business letting her do that. To me she is a terrible person, and what does that say about him? He trusts her more than he trusts you.

I wish there was another way you could approach this.
Kevin T.

 

[MeeraReed]

I am sorry you are experiencing this.

Can I ask how old everyone is? This sounds like drama that shouldn't be occurring if everyone is over age 22.

Unfortunately, I agree with others that the problem here is Flame. Storm is gonna be Storm wherever she goes--manipulative, desperate, possessive, willing to fake screenshots to destroy other people's relationships.

The problem is that Flame seems to like the attention she gives him, and that he's willing to continue to indulge her even after the faked screenshots. Most decent people would cut someone off who did that to their partner.

The other problem is Flame's reaction to what he thought was you sexting someone else. He's poly, so why does it bother him if you're chatting with others online? You need to inform him ahead of time, i.e., ask his permission first? "So he can support me properly" you write, which is... bullshit on his part.

My poly partner would have been amused and delighted if I sexted someone else. He didn't own me; he considered me my own person; I was free to seek connections with others, just as he was. I didn't need to inform him ahead of time.

He might have been surprised if I met someone and didn't tell him, but he never would have been ANGRY. That's actually not an okay reaction for a poly person.

Most people, poly or otherwise, might question more closely where Storm had gotten such "screen shots" before jumping to conclusions. Why did Flame think she would have screenshots of something that, if it had happened, would have been on your personal phone or laptop? How did Flame think Storm had gotten them? His inability to use logic on this is not okay.

Flame sounds like a "poly" guy who likes to date mono women and gets off on the resulting jealousy. He sounds controlling, too. If you want to date other people, you have to inform him well ahead of time "so he can support you properly" = code for "he's going to be opinionated and controlling about your dating life."

Supporting you properly = giving you the freedom to date freely on your own, should you choose to do poly dating

Supporting you properly = cutting off a toxic "friend" who made fake screenshots to destroy his relationship with you