Jealousy

[Leiawess]

Hello!

I am currently in a Polyamorous relationship with a male and a female, but I mostly feel like like I am in a relationship only with the male. We started this adventure with just me and him. ( insert super cheesey cute first date story). Female is(was?) My bestfriend and we ended up have a threesome that grew into what it is today. This is my first relationship, like ever, and it's really hard. I feel like I am doing my best to keep them both happy, but she constantly complains about things that shouldnt matter. I know that my strongest love language is services(or which ever is the one that makes me feel like I constantly have to do something for their appraisal). I usually cook, clean, make coffe buy groceries, do the laundry, mow the lawn, etc. But lately I dont feel like doing any of these things because I am the only one ever doing it, and also because the first thing to come out of her mouth is a rude critique and it really hurts my feelings. I am unsure of how to talk to her about this and put it in a way where I dont lash back at her.

Sometimes I feel like he has to split the attention he gives us or it's really exhausting on him. Him having to split his Affection between the both of us feels like I dont get as much as I need. She says that she feels the same too, but I also feel like she gets way more of this love language than I. Yep, that sounded conceded, and super jealous. But its so hard not to be. How does one erase jealousy from their brain? I am more of the type of person to wait and receive the affection that he wishes to give me rather than ragging on him to give me some. I feel really needy and desperate when I ask for him to give me cuddles or kiss me our even talk to me sometimes. Is there a balance? A way to ask for attention and not sound needy?

Anyway, back to the part when I feel like I am only in a relationship with the male. Why is it that sometimes I feel so alone in this 3 way relationship? I have mentioned feeling this way a few times,and they assure me that this isnt the case and that they dont want me to feel like that. (Sorry correction *he assures me*) does anyone else feel this way?

I guess that's all for now before I end up going on a rant...Please help! Thank you for reading my sad life story, I appreciate it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Leiawess,
Here are some links for coping with jealousy:

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

It sounds like you need to sit down with both of your partners and have a heart-to-heart with them about the things that are bothering you. First, explain to them that you feel like you are the only one doing the chores, that you would like some more help in that area. Also state that you feel hurt when you are criticized about your efforts. Next, say to him that you feel like you need more of his time, attention, and affection. Finally, state that you continue to feel alone in this triad relationship, in spite of the reassurance you have received.

With each statement that you make, ask them to repeat it back to you in their own words, so that you can tell whether you are communicating correctly. Also invite them to share their feelings. Really listen when they are talking, don't just try to think of a retort. Do talk to them though, don't just let things fester.

I hope this helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I am confused on some parts. Could you please be willing to clarify?

It might sounds persnickety, but I noticed you use "feel" in place of "think." I suggest you leave " I feel" for emotions you actually are feeling. And use "I think" for thoughts you have.

I am currently in a Polyamorous relationship with a male and a female, but I mostly feel like like I am in a relationship only with the male.

So you are dating both of them? Or is this a V situation where you both date him, the hinge. But not each other? Why the threesome? What was that supposed to accomplish?

This is my first relationship, like ever, and it's really hard.

Sounds like this could be a lot of it. You seem hesitant to assert yourself because it IS the first relationship ever and maybe you worry you are doing it "wrong" or something. Is that it?

The thing is... not everyone you date will be initially compatible.

And not everyone who is initially compatible will be deeply compatible.

How long have you been dating him? And how long have you been doing this V or triad thing?

Is being in a V or triad thing the relationship shape you always wanted to be in? Or did you kinda float along into it?

I feel like I am doing my best to keep them both happy...

What do you do to keep YOU happy?

She constantly complains about things that shouldnt matter.

Such as? And why complain to you? Are you able to say "Sorry to hear that. I cannot help you. How about you talk to X instead?" and not get involved in her complaints?

I know that my strongest love language is services(or which ever is the one that makes me feel like I constantly have to do something for their appraisal)

Love is shared. It doesn't need to be "proven."

If you do acts of service just to gain approval or validation, that's not doing acts of service because you enjoy expressing your love that way.

I usually cook, clean, make coffe buy groceries, do the laundry, mow the lawn, etc. But lately I dont feel like doing any of these things because I am the only one ever doing it, and also because the first thing to come out of her mouth is a rude critique and it really hurts my feelings.

Who did these tasks before you came along? Can't they just do it? Do you all live together or something?

Could stop doing so much. Do your fair share of the chores where you live, and don't be doing other people's chores.

I am unsure of how to talk to her about this and put it in a way where I dont lash back at her.

"Sorry. I will stop doing that and let you handle it so it gets done how you prefer."

Then just stop doing that chore and let her deal with it to her liking. It's not being mean. It's not lashing out.

Sometimes I feel like he has to split the attention he gives us or it's really exhausting on him. Him having to split his Affection between the both of us feels like I dont get as much as I need.

If you don't get the amount of time with you that you want? Then you just don't.

If you ask for change but this is all he can give you and it is not enough for you? He might have been initially compatible but not deeply compatible.

So if this is all he can give you? You decide if you want to keep participating here or not. Prob not if this is not enough so you can be happy here.

She says that she feels the same too, but I also feel like she gets way more of this love language than I.

Let her worry about her side of things, and stop talking to her about (him + her) or (him + you). She can worry about (her) and (her + him.)

You could worry about (you) and whether or not (him + you) meets your needs or not.

It may not solve ALL your problems, but REDUCING your problems might help.

How does one erase jealousy from their brain?

Why does it need to be erased? When you feel happy does that need to be erased? Feelings happen. Some are fun. Some are not. They all pass in time.

I also think feelings ensue after behavior -- thinking behavior or action behavior. If you don't like how you feel? What is the action and/or thinking behavior that leads to that ugh feeling? Can the behavior be changed? Who has to be the one to change that behavior?

So you can find out if better feelings ensue?

I am more of the type of person to wait and receive the affection that he wishes to give me rather than ragging on him to give me some.

You sound passive.

If you wait around for people to just give you whatever amount? You risk not getting the amount of affection you actually need. You might get too much or too little. If you ask specifics, then you have a better shot at getting what you want.

Because if you need to see him 3x a week to be happy, and you aren't TELLING him? He's not a mind reader. He might give you 6x, 3x, 1x.

I think you could be a little more assertive.

If you want to spend MORE time with him? Ask him for more dates with just you.

If you want to spend LESS time doing chores? Stop doing so much work.

If you want to spend LESS time listening to her complain? Stop.

Keep this WAY simpler on yourself.

I feel really needy and desperate when I ask for him to give me cuddles or kiss me our even talk to me sometimes. Is there a balance? A way to ask for attention and not sound needy?

Simply having some needs doesn't make you "needy." What makes you think you come across as "needy?" What is it you do?

Anyway, back to the part when I feel like I am only in a relationship with the male. Why is it that sometimes I feel so alone in this 3 way relationship?

Because the female gripes at you, you don't get enough time with your male partner, you do a lot of chores without getting appreciation for the work, and because you are not speaking up and asking for changes you want because you are afraid you will sound needy.

People are not mind readers. Speak up for yourself. PARTICIPATE in your relationship.

I have mentioned feeling this way a few times,and they assure me that this isnt the case and that they dont want me to feel like that. (Sorry correction *he assures me*) does anyone else feel this way?

Ok. So what behavior did he say he will change? Or is it all on you like you just change how you feel? Because he doesn't want you to feel like that?

If you feel lonely/alone participating in this and it doesn't feel good to you? You could decide to STOP participating here.

I could be cold in the pool and people could say "No, you aren't cold" -- well, whatever they say doesn't matter. I am the one in the pool feeling cold. *I* know how *I* feel.

He could offer to turn up the pool heater. That's one way to help.

I could ask him if he could please turn up the pool heater. That's me stating a need, not me being needy. And making a request.

Or I could just get out of this pool. Put the heater on. Go swim somewhere else that's better. I could help myself.

If you don't get enough of the things in this relationship to make you happy to stay? And you are not willing to speak up to ask for changes? Or you ask and nothing happens? Then you can choose to bow out.

Usually first relationships are not the ONLY relationship people have. So keep that in mind. If this relationship doesn't meet your personal standards for what you need to be happy? You don't have to stay stuck here.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

I feel like I am doing my best to keep them both happy

This is a giant flapping red flag for any relationship. If you're having to constantly try to keep someone happy, pay attention to why that might be. It's never about someone else's issues unless you are an indentured servant or a slave. Why are you drawn to a situation in which simply being you is not enough?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello!

Hi, Leia. Welcome. I am going to suggest nicknames for your partners, as our Guidelines suggest. It makes it easier for the members to read and offer feedback. You can choose other names if you want.

I am currently in a polyamorous relationship with a male, Matt, and a female, Sky, but I mostly feel like like I am in a relationship only with Matt.

We started this adventure with just the two of us (insert super cheesy cute first date story). Sky is (was?) my best friend and we ended up having a threesome that grew into what it is today.

I wonder about how you met Matt. Did Sky, your (former) best friend, introduce you? Is this their first attempt at Opening their relationship? How long have Sky and Matt been together? It sounds like they live together. Do you live with them too? How long have you lived with them? Why did you move in? It sounds like things are going badly, trying to be roommates.

This is my first relationship, like ever, and it's really hard. I feel like I am doing my best to keep them both happy, but she constantly complains about things that shouldn't matter.

Just because you think these "things" don't matter, doesn't mean she doesn't think they matter. But if you think she is being nitpicky in a passive aggressive way because of fear of facing deeper issues, then I understand.

I know that my strongest love language is services (or which ever is the one that makes me feel like I constantly have to do something for their appraisal).

Acts of service is done or requested because it is a natural way for you to express caring. It's not chosen to be servile or seek attention or approval.

I usually cook, clean, make coffee, buy groceries, do the laundry, mow the lawn, etc.

Why on earth are you doing ALL their chores for them? What the heck?

But lately I don't feel like doing any of these things, because I am the only one ever doing them, and also because the first thing to come out of Sky's mouth is a rude critique, and it really hurts my feelings. I am unsure of how to talk to her about this and put it in a way where I don't lash back at her.

Is this how a "best friend" acts? Allows you to do all her chores, and then criticizes how you do them? Stop doing the chores. If you're doing them for approval, to get love, and all it gets you is "harsh criticism," just stop. Problem solved.

Sometimes I feel like Matt has to split the attention he gives us or it's really exhausting on him. Him having to split his affection between the both of us feels like I don't get as much as I need.

It sounds like none of you are cut out for polyamory. It sounds like no one is good at sharing, or giving or getting enough attention.

Sky says that she feels the same too, but I also feel like she gets way more of this love language than I. Yep, that sounded conceited, and super jealous. But it's so hard not to be.

It didn't sound conceited to me, but I hear you are feeling jealousy, or more precisely, envy.

How does one erase jealousy from their brain? I am more of the type of person to wait and receive the affection that he wishes to give me rather than ragging on him to give me some. I feel really needy and desperate when I ask for him to give me cuddles or kiss me our even talk to me sometimes. Is there a balance? A way to ask for attention and not sound needy?

Anyway, back to the part when I feel like I am only in a relationship with Matt. Why is it that sometimes I feel so alone in this 3 way relationship? I have mentioned feeling this way a few times, but Matt assures me that this isn't the case and that he don't want me to feel like that.

From the way you corrected yourself, it sounds like Matt wants you there. Sky wants you gone. Maybe she doesn't want Matt to date anyone besides her.

Stop thinking of them as "the couple." In a triad there are 3 dyads, 3 V's stacked up:
You+Matt
Matt+Sky
You+Sky

Then there is the dynamic between all 3 of you. Each dyad needs attention specifically for itself. Each relationship needs to be nurtured to survive and thrive.

If you're living with them, get out. If you're not living with them, stop doing their housework. If you want to keep dating Matt, host him at your place. If you're done being friends with Sky (at least for now) stop being in contact with her. Stop communicating. Stop dating (if you ever go on dates). Stop having sex with her. Unfollow her on social media, block her, unfriend her, whatever.

Matt can work on his agreements with Sky around polyamory. It's not your job to smooth things out between them.

Ask Matt for the amount of time you'd like to spend with him, to make the relationship worth it. If he makes promises but doesn't carry through, end it with him, and find someone who can provide what you want and need. You deserve it. Trying to be in a triad as a first attempt at dating is a mistake. Good poly needs joyful consent from all involved. And no one is joyful here. It also requires open, honest and respectful communication. That's not happening either.

There is no need to consider yourself in a romantic triad just because you used to be friends with Sky, and are dating Matt, and you may have had one or more sexual threesomes. You can let that all go. You choose what works for you.