Just considering a threesome is an emotional minefield

[grand-bender]

Here's the context: I'm a male, 46 in a relationship with a fantastic woman, 41, for about two years now. We're both professionals with two kids each and we live a few minutes from each other. We spend all our free time together, and loads of time with our kids together too. We love each other but we're going to take our time before marrying and moving in together for the kids' benefit. So, for now, that's the arrangement and, aside from not being able to wake up beside each other every day, it's fantastic.

Now, here's why I'm here: Like many men, I have long fantasized about a threesome with two women, though I have never been in one. Also, I have zero interest in a MMF, or MFM threesome — none. (More on this below.) On the matter of threesomes, I'm FMF or nothing. Sometime in 2024, we were discussing our bedroom fantasies. I told her that a FMF threesome was one of mine. This conversation went on and she outlined her fantasy, which was not a threesome. She indicated she's never been in a threesome of any kind and that a MFM or MMF was of no interest to her and joked about it being too many penises.

Around the time of this chat, she told me that a year earlier she had a drunken lesbian experience with a friend of hers. She said they did everything to one another and while she didn't regret it, it wasn't something she wished to do again. She later told me which one of her friends she'd had this encounter with, which made it a bit more real for me.

A few months later, we were headed for drinks and she told me her friend would be there and joked, "Surprise, we're having a threesome!" I laughed, said nothing and took it as a tiny data point, or perhaps nothing at all.

Since then, in three subsequent conversations months apart, I have indicated that, while threesomes remain a fantasy, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. Fantasy is great but I'm leery of the reality. In a chat early last year, I acknowledged the hypocrisy of me not being interested in seeing her with another man. She said she understood. And on the matter of a FMF, she said she'd do it if it was something I wanted. She said it would have to be with a woman we'd never run into afterwards.

The second conversation was this week. We had a few drinks and talked about fantasies again. I told her some of the things I'd like to do with her and another woman in the room and she said it sounded 'hot.' (She said again, that she'd do it if I was interested in it she added again it would have to be with someone we'd never see again.) I then got a little worried and downplayed my interest in actually doing it in part because I don't want her to think she's not enough. After I said I could live without a FMF and that I'd rather not bother with the worry she said, "I'd kinda like to think about it." The next night, it came up in again, and I just said, "I don't want to have a threesome." Again, she indicated that there wasn't a decision to be made and said, "Let's think about it." (Her tone was sort of like, "Let's put a pin in that.")

After that last convo, I resolved that I'm not bringing this up again. If that means we never discuss it again, I can live with it. Today she told me her friend reached out about tickets for a couple concerts later this spring, and she asked her friend to buy one each for she and I. I have no idea if that means anything or nothing.

Beyond the inherent conflicts alluded to above, here's what I struggle with:

- By even talking about a threesome, am I saying to her, "You are not enough." If so, I'll stop now. I am just being open with her about my fantasies; like she is with me when we talk about what porn turns her on.

- The idea that she would do this "for me," is tough. I'd do anything to or for her in the bedroom. BUT I know who I am and, barring a massive change in myself, I will never want to be in a threesome with her and another man. Nor will I want her to be with another man, whether I'm there or not. (I'm not saying this is right or good, only that it is how I feel right now.

- I worry that if this did happen, perhaps she might get resentful. Maybe I will. Who knows? Neither of us has done this before.

Anyways, thanks for reading this far. I appreciate any thoughts you'd like to share.

 

[MeeraReed]

I appreciate that you are bothered by the hypocrisy of not being willing to do a MFM threesome for her benefit when she says she's willing to do a FMF for your benefit. However, since she is not at all interested in a MFM threesome, it's a non-issue. She doesn't want extra dicks in the bedroom and neither do you. End of story, move on.

It sounds to me like she is enjoying the FMF threesome idea as a fantasy. Why not keep it as a fantasy? You can keep exploring it as a fantasy, such as through dirty talk and imaginary role-play stuff during sex. You can clarify that you don't actually want to do a threesome in real life, but that if you both think it's hot to imagine in the bedroom, the fantasy could be a fun addition to your sex life sometimes.

I think people tend to forget that sex is largely imaginary, in that arousal often happens mentally through fantasizing, even during the physical act. You can incorporate porn or written erotica of FMF threesomes into your sex life with your girlfriend, if you and she would both enjoy it.

You don't need to involve another actual human woman in your sex life. Especially since you'd have to find someone who you're comfortable having sex with and is comfortable having sex with the two of you, while also being happy to never interact with the two of you ever again. (Or worse, don't involve your girlfriend's real-life lesbian/bisexual friend into your sex life because they once fooled around.)

Instead, having some conversations with your girlfriend about whether she'd like to occasionally involve FMF fantasies into your sex life. Ask her if your fantasy feels like you're telling her she's not enough, and see what she says. Tell her you aren't interested in the fantasy becoming a reality. Ask her if she really finds indulging your fantasy hot, for her, or if she's just going along with it to please you and doesn't really want to.

Communicate everything you've said here!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello grand-bender,

You seem worried that your partner will take it as a slight that you are interested in a threesome. From your description of her reactions, it doesn't sound like she takes it that way at all, she has stated what she needs (that it be a woman neither of you will run into again) in order to feel comfortable about it. Why not take her at her word? or, to be certain, ask her if she feels devalued ("not enough") by your threesome fantasy. If she gives that question a solid no, then I would suggest you take her at her word. As for FMF for you, and no MFM for her, you seem worried that she will take that as unfair. But to me, she doesn't seem to take it that way. Fair doesn't always mean identical.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Let me preface this by saying this is not a polyamory topic. Polyamory means multiple loves. Usually people fall in love with other individuals, not with couples. Established couples are often so bonded they think if they are going to do "polyamory" they must share a partner. This couldn't be further from the truth. We get a ton of couples here in our Dating section, seeking a "unicorn," a hot bi babe to share, so many that we've had to compose a sort of "warning label" about this form of poly-dating.

(Here it is, just FYI: https://polyamory.com/threads/a-note-for-couples-posting-seeking-ads.156754/ )

We also have several articles in our resources section on this topic. (See next post.)

So, not only is this not polyamory, it's not even casual sex, yet. It's just a fantasy. Of course, it's the most common fantasy for straight guys, for some reason. I've watched FMF porn and, to me (relating as a female), it seems one of the women is always left out, and just waiting her turn. She might put the dick in the other woman's pussy, she might kiss her "friend," or play with a boob, but she's not really in on the action.

These pornos are not real life, of course. They are just acted-out fantasies for an audience of men, who are caring about how it would look and feel for the man to be in bed with two women. The women's feelings and satisfaction are not the point.

Lots of people don't like to "get in line and wait your turn" when it comes to sex. They want to be stimulated fully, as they are stimulating their partner. I mean, it is possible to give oral as you are being fucked, and it might be nice to try it a time or two (I have), but, for me, the true intimacy of sex is diluted when your attention is divided like that.

However, a fantasy, where the third partner is this imaginary sexy doll, who will say and do anything you want, look any way you want, just the right body, hair color, etc., and never get bored, or feel left out, or get her feelings hurt, or want to then go on to date or fuck one of the couple one-on-one, or want to meet your family-- yeah, fine. "Fill your boots," as the British say. And importantly, in the fantasy, she won't fall in love with one of you, and make the other one jealous. Or one of you won't fall in love with her, and start neglecting the other.

Be clear and speak plainly. Don't hint, or joke. Make it clear this is to remain a fantasy. Go to the show with the friend. Do not get drunk with her and do something you may well regret for the rest of your lives.

 

[Magdlyn]

Here are a couple of relevant articles:

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...

www.readyforpolyamory.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Here is our complete list of polyamory resources-- articles, books, videos, a podcast, etc.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-resources-articles-books-websites-podcasts-etc.155304/

 

[GalaGirl]

Casual group sex is not polyamory—especially the way your partner frames it, as something that would have to be “one and done,” with someone she’d never see again. That’s very different from a continued romantic relationship, which is what polyamory involves.

I could be wrong in my impression, but it seems like you might be getting ahead of yourself. It also seems like your worries might be starting to spiral a bit.

Right now, this is just fantasy. If fantasizing together is no longer fun, stop fantasizing about threesomes and let it go.

There's nothing wrong with fantasy or shared fantasy -- but just because we fantasize about something, that doesn't mean we want it in real life.

I just said, "I don't want to have a threesome." Again, she indicated that there wasn't a decision to be made and said, "Let's think about it." (Her tone was sort of like, "Let's put a pin in that.")

Here you seem to be very clear that this isn't fun for you. Esp when she frames it like it's something she'd do "for you" even if she's not really into it. You don't like that.

"Put a pin in it" sounds like she is starting to take it out of fantasy mode into "maybe in real life" mode. Like she's sort of hoping or hinting?

I think you could be direct and tell your partner something like this. Edit at will.

“Partner, this stopped being fun for me. I can’t enjoy shared threesome fantasies if it feels like you might actually want to do it in real life, or if you’re suggesting you’d do things sexually that you aren’t really into ‘for me’ like people pleasing. I would never do things I don't really want just to please you. I won't do sex things 'for you' like that. ​

​

I’m happy to explore many things sexually with you, but it has to feel good to both of us and be enthusiastically consensual. For me, the limit is threesome fantasy only—I do not want any real-life threesomes, not with strangers and not with friends. If you can't respect that limit then let's just not fantasize together on that any more. It's ok to let it go.”​

Be more firm. Then you don't have to stress out about this any more.

Today she told me that her friend reached out about tickets for a couple concerts later this spring, and she asked her friend to buy one each for she and I. I have no idea if that means anything or nothing.

You could seek clarity then. "Just to be clear, this is just friends going to a concert, right?"

If you’re worried this could be a threesome setup— or if you just don’t like her assuming and making unilateral decisions for the couple— you can skip it: “I’ll pass. You go ahead and enjoy the concert with your friend. In the future, I’d rather you ask me if I even want to go first before asking other people to buy me a ticket. You assumed and accepted for the couple without even checking with me.”

This is just basic good manners. She’s assuming you want to go, want to spend time with her and her friend, and have the time free on your calendar. You might want more consideration than that.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

The struggle here seems to be direct communication. You're afraid to ask your partner whether she feels diminished just by talking about threesomes. You didn't say directly that you prefer to drop the topic, you just hope it doesn't come up. You won't ask if she has anything in mind with that friend of hers - you assume she might, although that would directly violate her boundary of 'never seeing that woman again'.

We can only guess if your partner has the same kind of difficulty being upfront with you.

I urge you to be more forthcoming with your desires, doubts and fears. I want you to admit whether you would like to experience this or not, or that you are torn (you seem unclear yourself), to explain the reasons why you'd maybe rather leave it in fantasy land, and reassure your partner you don't want her to do it "for you" unless there's something in for her too. I want you to be considerate but plain open.

If it's a minefield, get a good detector (focused non-judgemental attention) and uncover the mines. Or expain to your partner why it's a minefield and why you need to stay out of it.

 

[grand-bender]

First, a huge thank you to each of you!

My apologies if this topic doesn’t fit squarely within the definition of polyamory. That said, I posted here thinking I’d likely get more thoughtful responses than I’ve found elsewhere.

I was right about that and quite grateful for it.

I’ve got much to think about but ultimately — and as has been mentioned here — this is about confronting uncomfortable emotions and questions with thoughtful communication. I can be better in that regard. So can she.

In particular, I really need to better understand my angst stemming from wanting a threesome experience but not wanting it to be a compromise/sacrifice for her. I took her comment that my fantasy was ‘hot’ and “let’s think about it,” to mean she was interested in really doing it. But it’s been more than a year since we first discussed this; if this was something she was interested in for her own reasons, I believe she’d have have said so by now in any of our subsequent chats.

Further, by simply saying I’ll wait for her to be the one who next brings it up, I’m farming out accountability for any negative fallout (if we actually have a threesome) by leaving the question/decision to her. It’s not an approach that speaks to a decision being pursued together.

As of now —and after thinking about your responses—I think it’s really just a matter of accepting that this is better left to fantasy. I have everything that’s important with her, including great sex. I’ll never embark on anything that might jeopardize that. Things can change but, for now, a threesome could do that.

Thanks again to all of you for the links and general thoughtfulness of your responses.

My gratitude to each of you.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm glad we could help.