Just LR

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It wasn't always like this, was it? Didn't Maca and GG used to help and support you when you needed to depend on them? When did that change, and what was the precipitating event? Do you think you might have used to perceive them differently? I don't mean to pry, I just know that sometimes questions like these help us get a better understanding of the problem.

I think that right now you especially need to focus on taking care of yourself. You are going through a crisis and it is hard on you. It would be hard on anyone.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Yes Kevin- Maca is relatively good at being supportive and helpful. EXCEPT he has MAJOR insecurity issues and always has. Whenever he goes out of town; everyone and everything is suspect. Every fb post, every delayed reply to a text, every word, every minute.
GG has always been good at following instructions. So if someone gives him a direct order for an immediate action, he will do it.
However-if it is something that requires his own ongoing supervision over an extended period of time-not going to happen. If it is a matter of him figuring out what needs done-not going to happen.

So in the past GENERALLY I have handled everything and divvied out responsibilities on a daily basis. If I was in crisis, such as when I hurt my neck, Maca would give explicit instructions.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
The change isn't in perception, it is in circumstance. I can't be the sole coordinator/organizer/boss AND do school. I changed MY role. They SAID they were completely behind the change because the long term benefits far outweigh the immediate responsibikity.
However: Maca can not take on any responsibikity beyond finances if he is gone & due to GG not taking care of HIS part of the responsibikities, Maca had no choice but to take work out of town in order to cover expenses. It is a vicious downward spiral that originates with GG not holding up his end of the deal & becomes more and more screwed by the subsequent bullshit that has been created because of that trigger.
ALL of which starts with me returning to school.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
But I think that going to school is important to you. Am I right?

Seems to me that this is Maca's and GG's opportunity to show that they'll support you when you really need them to. If there's a vicious circle going on, then it's up to each of the guys to stop the cycle when it gets to them -- rather than passing the problem back to the other guy. People can learn, change, and grow. Maca and GG can both learn, change, and grow. This would be an excellent time for them to do it. This is the time when you need them to step up to the plate.

What can be done (realistically speaking) to ease the financial situation? After GG moves out, can you move into a smaller house? Is that something you'd even want to do?

Going to school can be exciting but stressful and you need less, not more, stress in your life in order to be able to thrive in that academic environment. I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Selling the house wouldn't net us enough at this point to be able to buy another place. I am working on paying off bills (medical and vehicle loans) and reducing ones (cc, car insurance) that will help somewhat on finances.

Unfortunately vehicles will come into play. In kodiak all transportation costs are covered. Here Maca has to cover his own and its 50 miles each way for work at a minimum.

But-we will figure it out.

To be honest-yes growing up and being supportive would be helpful. But no one can make another person do that.
It has been three years since we all agreed I was going to school to get my degree, laid out precise plans for what responsibikities they would each take over so I could etc.
But the bs continues.

It's been 5 years since I dropped the "poly bomb". The emotional bs continues.

Just tonight GG is posting all over my fb his lovey dovey bullshit not two hours after we had a serious talk AGAIN about the fact that WE are OVER.

Maca is texting me "I saw your flirting on fb and I am going to BED"

Really?
Grow the fuck up guys.

To GG-stop trying to portray to the world that we are still a couple. ACCEPT REALITY because until you do-you can't fix shit.

To Maca-for fuck sake even if i was flirting on fb-GET OVER IT! I am poly and i can do that. (it just so happens i wasn't ON fb. I was watching a movie-but thats arbitrary)

I am so SICK of the passive aggressive guilt trips.
I came out as poly AND agreed to a divorce if thats what he wanted blah blah blah.
It has been five fucking years.
GET OVER IT!!!
If you can't handle seeing the TRUTH of me being ME-QUIT PRETENDING YOU LOVE ME. Because you don't. You love a fictional character that you named after me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I take it Maca's refusal/inability to get over the poly issues ties into his confrontation toward Panther. Seems like he's still trying to guilt-trip you about that aspect of yourself. (And ironically, GG is inadvertently egging him on)

What GG doesn't seem to understand is that there has to be a clean break between you and him before there can be any connection in the future. The original relationship is dead and buried. Anything in the future would have to be an entirely new relationship. Not built on the past. At least that's my perception of it. GG seems to be trying to live in the past.

Obviously this is a difficult time for you with a lot going on. I see the storm from a distance and only have a limited grasp of it, but I do sympathize.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Yes-
Maca still has issues with me being poly. Which is exactly why he confronted Panther. Because I told Maca I wanted to change that relationship to FWB. He got insecure and he wanted to control how it went down (his words). He wants anyone I am sexually involved with to "obey" him and his expectations. He's the picture perfect example of what Nycindie rails about in couples. As far as he's concerned, unless they are willing to bow down to his authority and let him define what is or isn't allowed-they aren't trustworthy.

I however see it differently. We have agreements of our own and I see those as being between he and I. I don't believe he should be speaking to someone else I am considering dating about those issues. I SHOULD. Either he trusts me or he doesn't and as far as I'm concerned; he just made it abundantly clear (again) that he doesn't.

Furthermore; because of the constant issue of changing rules to be stricter when they pertained only to me, but wanting them laxer when he was dating; we agreed 2 years ago that the boundaries would be negotiated at 3 month intervals. NOT any other time.

We spent almost three months negotiating them in the first place and have discussed them every three months for the last 2 years and he's been fine with them. UNTIL I brought up Panther. All of a sudden he wants stricter rules added. I agreed. But I won't agree to remove them again later. Because it's fucking ASININE.
He thinks it's all in my head. Its not in my head. It's a double standard. Oral sex *shouldn't* require protection if HE is dating someone else. But if I am dating someone else he wants it as a boundary. Same with anal sex. If it's HIM dating-he NEEDS that privilege. If it's ME dating that's absolutely unacceptable.

Uhhuh.

Fucking stupid.


Right about now I feel like it was a mistake to even "come out" to him. I feel like I've wasted 5 years of my life trying to be honest and forthright and considerate so that he can continue to play games with me by trying to hold me on a short leash while simultaneously allowing himself to have a long free reign.

I'm very much in a "FUCK ALL OF YOU" place today. I'm so disgusted and offended and TIRED of the double standards and the damn games.
 

Reverie

Active member
I know I don't post much, and so it probably doesn't matter much to you, but I've been reading your story and I just wanted to empathize and say FUCK double standards and I really, really hope your situation gets better and the people you're involved with can learn to be more mature. Immaturity in grown-ass adults is one of my least favorite things. ::hugs::
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Eoh, I didn't realize Maca had a double standard thing going. Sorry to hear about that.

It seems as if he can only handle *you* being poly if he can tightly control the situation. Or maybe he's trying to imply that you're not trustworthy whereas he is trustworthy which is why he should get special power and privileges?

I know you said you didn't do everything perfectly in the beginning as far as poly was concerned. But you can't have a healthy relationship without forgiveness, and I feel like Maca is withholding some of his forgiveness. He is only forgiving *part* of the way. Like you said, when it's been five years that's a long time to hold a grudge.

I just hope this eventually leads to Maca (and GG) coming to a realization that they can, and should, mature a little bit more at this time.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I'm so freaking annoyed and frustrated and exhausted by all of it.
I am on the edge of buying a damn one way plane ticket and returning to Missouri (where my mother just moved) and getting a job.
I'm just SICK of being punished for shit that happened well over 5 years ago.
For being taken advantage of and taken for granted and then shit on because other people won't take responsibility for their own emotions, their own behavior and their own SHIT.

I can't tell you how much I regret not taking time to avoid being in relationships with people who aren't SELF-motivated to personal growth.
SO much regret and SO sick of living with it.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Do you ever just reach a point where all you can do is roll your eyes?

HOURS of bullshit.
False allegations against me (which he took back), drama-filled "I had a reason" to distrust me and Panther (which he didn't) because he "felt" insecure.
WHATEVER.

Anyway-it all culminates to apologies and wanting to know if we can work shit out or if I am "done with (him) the same way I am done with GG".

My response was THAT depends upon YOU.
"Which DONE are you asking about?
'how far done' i suppose is up to you. How fucking far are you going to keep dragging this shit out?
Are you going to fucking get over the past?
Accept that I am going to have sex and romance with other people?
Accept that loving you doesn't mean limiting myself to you?
Accept that loving me doesn't mean controlling me?
Accept that being with me doesn't mean you get to control my OTHER relationships?

Or is this drama is going to repeat AGAIN the next time I am taking a new lover?
Cause I am sick of being treated like I did something wrong when I want another lover.
I expect anyone I fuck to be respectful of you AND US.
I have proven I don't allow ANYONE to fucking play games and try to take me away from you or disrespect my commitments to you. I don't let anyone con me into "giving in" and acting like a SINGLE whore. I don't ever prioritize any other relationships of any kind OVER ours.
So what the fuck more do you want?
I am NOT EVER GOING TO BE HAPPY IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE EVER. I DO NOT WANT IT. NOT EVER.

Either you accept me for who I am or it doesn't matter what I want....
Because if you can't-then it doesn't matter if I want to or not-because it won't be fixable!
If you are never going to be ok with non-monogamy FOR REAL then NOTHING I DO is going to make this work.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I want to be with you IF you can accept me completely AND trust me AND respect me? Yes.
Do I want to continue to be treated like my desire to have multiple relationships is wrong? No."

AND THEN

he pulls THIS out of his ass:

"there hasn't been what seemed like the proper time to say anything but... You bringing up honesty, even brutal honesty And I just don't know what to do I've talked to some ppl on OKC. Haven't met up, was going to do that with you, but don't know if that will ever happen. And I've talked to B recently. Not in regards to talking about you or even about her and I. Just checking up on how I was doing."

(that would be the 24 yo drama queen who he lied to me about before)

Yeah-I just rolled my eyes.
I WANTED to say "yeah-so I get it now. Since YOU have been lying and sneaking around behind my back it made sense to you to attack me for SUPPOSEDLY doing the same because OMG why would I ACTUALLY be honest and forthright?"

Fucking WOW
 

SNeacail

New member
I WANTED to say "yeah-so I get it now. Since YOU have been lying and sneaking around behind my back it made sense to you to attack me for SUPPOSEDLY doing the same because

Not sure I wouldn't have said that in your situation. Yes, I have gotten to the place where I can roll my eyes - BUT, I will not stand for false accusations. Sometimes, I worry that I can roll my eyes at stuff and wonder why I'm not more bothered by it.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I didn't say it.
I did say he is being completely psychotic and needs to get to the therapist and if he doesnt arrange to come home asap I will go to his boss.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Re (from LovingRadiance):
"False allegations against me (which he took back), drama-filled 'I had a reason' to distrust me and Panther (which he didn't) because he 'felt' insecure."

You mean his Spidey-sense was tingling? Eyeroll indeed. Sounds to me more like he had an opportunity to penalize you (again) for your sins of the past, and snatched up the opportunity.

Re:
"Anyway -- it all culminates to apologies and wanting to know if we can work shit out or if I am 'done with [him] the same way I am done with GG.'"

And let me guess: These apologies took the form of, "I didn't do anything wrong, but I apologize."

So he has been a leedle dishonest in his own time -- and projected that dishonesty onto you. Sounds like he needs to spend a buck and buy a clue ...
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Hugs, LR.

I can commiserate until the cows come home about double-standards and projecting. For lack of a better phrase, it sucks donkey balls.

It seems that at times like this, the emotions just feed more emotions in other situations. When it rains, it pours. Maybe a visit to mom isn't such a bad idea, just to get away from the mess and clear your head for a while? (Not sure how this impacts school, the kids, etc., though)
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Ironically I got a call from my mom yesterday saying she may be flying up this week.

Yesterday I got to see Split Pea for the first time in 3 years 10 months. He's 17 now. As soon as I got there he cam running out and into my arms. I missed that boy. On my drive home the anger and resentment of him being taken away hit full force. But it can't overpower my happiness at seeing him again.

Today Maca was loaded on a little 4 seater plane and flown to somewhere more remote than Kodiak. I don't know when i will hear from him again. He has no idea if there will be cell service or not.
His depression is dangerously out of control.his anxiety is bordering on a psychotic break. He is being irrational and illogical. I feel like throwing up thinking about it. His coworkers have noticed. But everyone is "just doing their job".
I wasn't at all joking when I said I am Concerned tha they will end up sending my husband home in a coffin. He needs to be seeing his doctor. Not going somewhere he can't get any medical care at all.
The plane lands in the ocean and drops them. Won't be back for 4 days-weather permitting. Fucking NOT the job for someone who should probably be under suicide watch & is possibly having additional issues with blood pressure on account of his ongoing emotional state.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Kevin-
Right now I'm pissed off about the job. I just can't say anything else about it. When your job is a higher priority that your physical and mental health-what is the point of anyone being emotionally connected to you? It pisses me off beyond words.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
So, he is volunteering to meet this job's extra demands? Does he know it's taking a toll on his physical and mental health?

Him coming home in a coffin is a scary thought.
 
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