LovingRadiance
Active member
I agree. I've already started compiling the letter. I can't get it to her until September when I return home. But I am working on it. 
Just LR
- Thread starter LovingRadiance
- Start date
LovingRadiance
Active member
Black & White the world is not
There is a huge space between working 60-80 hours a week (only paid for 40) & having no work at all.
One is commonly labeled a workaholic. The other is often called a leach, lazy bum, couch potato...
The middle ground is where one works enough to manage their financial obligations, but allows time for a life outside of work.
Major changes this year:
My continued efforts to not be an enabler, to work on self improvement in areas of managing depression, anxiety, ADD, OCD, education, tendency to enable by doing it all myself.
School level now requires i be physically on a campus an hour from home for all classes & the classes I need are three-five days a week. Prior to this year I did most classes on line and in-person classes only two days a week.
Maca injured his back and was told he needs to stop working physical labor work. Which isn't financially possible until i finish my degree and can make up the difference in wages.
Sour pea is having behavioral issues directly related to having boundaries undermined and not upheld by authority figures in her life and exacerbated by her beig ADD & the dr being unwilling to medicate her for at least another year. All of which is affecting her ability to do school and requiring more hands on attention.
Sweet pea has hit teen years full throttle, has classes in a variety of venues he needs transported to at myriad times whih conflict with maintaining a stable, uninterrupted school day for sour pea as well as conflicting with my class times and the guys work schedules.
Maca has been sent to work out of town for 8 straight months with no time home-and accepted the position BECAUSE GG said he was quitting his job, which meant we woukd NEED the overtime $. But GG didnt quit his job because "whats the point". However-maca had already committed to running the work and can't back out.
GG quit writing in our journal-completely.
Over the last two years; In my efforts to work on my tendency to enable others to continue their dysfunctional behaviors by covering for them and doing their dirt work, I stopped tracking time for GG, stopped scheduling visits with his friends for him, stopped scheduling our dates, stopped carefully fixing the problems that arose and quit covering for him.
Yeah-a LOT has changed dramatically in the last couple years. Quite a lot.
And no-the problems weren't GG's sole creation. The solution isn't either. But i am actively taking concrete steps to resolve my part. THIS BLOG is where i vent about the frustrations that arise in that process.
The most devastating, heartbreaking frustration has been watching GG throw away his relationships one at a time by making no time and putting no effort into maintaining them at all. Leading finally to ours this year.
His best friend, his family, our adult children, our extended family. He only has contact with them if they make it haloen or i arrange it.
So yeah-I bitch about what HE isnt doing because he is giving up everything he ever cared about. EVERYTHING. NOT just me.
There is a huge space between working 60-80 hours a week (only paid for 40) & having no work at all.
One is commonly labeled a workaholic. The other is often called a leach, lazy bum, couch potato...
The middle ground is where one works enough to manage their financial obligations, but allows time for a life outside of work.
Major changes this year:
My continued efforts to not be an enabler, to work on self improvement in areas of managing depression, anxiety, ADD, OCD, education, tendency to enable by doing it all myself.
School level now requires i be physically on a campus an hour from home for all classes & the classes I need are three-five days a week. Prior to this year I did most classes on line and in-person classes only two days a week.
Maca injured his back and was told he needs to stop working physical labor work. Which isn't financially possible until i finish my degree and can make up the difference in wages.
Sour pea is having behavioral issues directly related to having boundaries undermined and not upheld by authority figures in her life and exacerbated by her beig ADD & the dr being unwilling to medicate her for at least another year. All of which is affecting her ability to do school and requiring more hands on attention.
Sweet pea has hit teen years full throttle, has classes in a variety of venues he needs transported to at myriad times whih conflict with maintaining a stable, uninterrupted school day for sour pea as well as conflicting with my class times and the guys work schedules.
Maca has been sent to work out of town for 8 straight months with no time home-and accepted the position BECAUSE GG said he was quitting his job, which meant we woukd NEED the overtime $. But GG didnt quit his job because "whats the point". However-maca had already committed to running the work and can't back out.
GG quit writing in our journal-completely.
Over the last two years; In my efforts to work on my tendency to enable others to continue their dysfunctional behaviors by covering for them and doing their dirt work, I stopped tracking time for GG, stopped scheduling visits with his friends for him, stopped scheduling our dates, stopped carefully fixing the problems that arose and quit covering for him.
Yeah-a LOT has changed dramatically in the last couple years. Quite a lot.
And no-the problems weren't GG's sole creation. The solution isn't either. But i am actively taking concrete steps to resolve my part. THIS BLOG is where i vent about the frustrations that arise in that process.
The most devastating, heartbreaking frustration has been watching GG throw away his relationships one at a time by making no time and putting no effort into maintaining them at all. Leading finally to ours this year.
His best friend, his family, our adult children, our extended family. He only has contact with them if they make it haloen or i arrange it.
So yeah-I bitch about what HE isnt doing because he is giving up everything he ever cared about. EVERYTHING. NOT just me.
LovingRadiance
Active member
I absolutely concur-that last post wasn't in response to GG actually. It was in response to something else I entirely that I read.
I find it amusing that people who aren't at all in the know-assume the worst. Which seems to be common on this board. I see it ALL of the time. I comment regularly warning new comers that is what happens.
BUT-all of that said, most people do have to hit rock bottom in order to get motivated to push off the bottom and swim to the top. That's part of life, growing, learning.
I'm actually doing ok right now. Busy, dealing with the ramifications of making ends meet with $4000 less a month-which is quite a big project. But, I'm progressing. So that's all good.
I found a school for Sour Pea that I know is a good school. The cost sucks and it will mean a lot more sucking it up financially. But-it's do-able. Which is really all that matters.
Sweet Pea hit the highway today with my mom on their road trip across the states. Very exciting.
I wish I was in school. I'm feeling down about not being in classes this semester. Somewhat resentful at the turn of events that has led to me not being able to continue with school this semester. But-not letting it stop me from planning for next semester.
I find it amusing that people who aren't at all in the know-assume the worst. Which seems to be common on this board. I see it ALL of the time. I comment regularly warning new comers that is what happens.
BUT-all of that said, most people do have to hit rock bottom in order to get motivated to push off the bottom and swim to the top. That's part of life, growing, learning.
I'm actually doing ok right now. Busy, dealing with the ramifications of making ends meet with $4000 less a month-which is quite a big project. But, I'm progressing. So that's all good.
I found a school for Sour Pea that I know is a good school. The cost sucks and it will mean a lot more sucking it up financially. But-it's do-able. Which is really all that matters.
Sweet Pea hit the highway today with my mom on their road trip across the states.
Very exciting. I wish I was in school. I'm feeling down about not being in classes this semester. Somewhat resentful at the turn of events that has led to me not being able to continue with school this semester. But-not letting it stop me from planning for next semester.
LovingRadiance
Active member
It is really damn hard to sit back and wait in silence while people you love struggle through the consequences of their own actions. Hard to not step in and offer comfort, solutions, answers.
But-like my kids doing school-giving them the answers is cheating them out of the learning process.
So-I am sitting and pacing and crying and tearing my hair out and hoping. Because it hurts watching something fall apart so unnecessarily and it sucks knowing that solving it means taking away their learning process and isn't *actually* helping them, but hindering them from becoming all they can be.
Sigh
But-like my kids doing school-giving them the answers is cheating them out of the learning process.
So-I am sitting and pacing and crying and tearing my hair out and hoping. Because it hurts watching something fall apart so unnecessarily and it sucks knowing that solving it means taking away their learning process and isn't *actually* helping them, but hindering them from becoming all they can be.
Sigh
LovingRadiance
Active member
Somethings i have fixed. Because the consequences shouldn't be the childrens to suffer. So I have found sourpea a school. Its going to run almost $10k a year. Money i haven't got. But I will rearrange bills until we do. There will be a lot more wood chopping to do so we can heat the house without using gas. A lot less travel, dates, toys, books etc. but the girl will get an education that opens doors for her. Not the shit education available through our public school system.
But-the rest I have to let him struggle so he can find mastery. Fine tune his life to do the things he wants it to do, without dele ding on me to keep it going. So he can improve his self view, because he will finally realize he can-which i have told him for years, but he cant believe because he has always been too scared to try and left it to me to do instead.
Tonight there is a heavy weight on my chest. A heavy, lonely weight on my chest. The one that reminds me that it has literalky been years since my best friend had time to REALLY spend with me & I just don't know when that will change.
I have been waiting, faithfully waiting for so long. But i am having doubts.
But-the rest I have to let him struggle so he can find mastery. Fine tune his life to do the things he wants it to do, without dele ding on me to keep it going. So he can improve his self view, because he will finally realize he can-which i have told him for years, but he cant believe because he has always been too scared to try and left it to me to do instead.
Tonight there is a heavy weight on my chest. A heavy, lonely weight on my chest. The one that reminds me that it has literalky been years since my best friend had time to REALLY spend with me & I just don't know when that will change.
I have been waiting, faithfully waiting for so long. But i am having doubts.
MusicalRose
Member
*HUGS*
I'm really sorry you're going through this, LR.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, LR.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Thanks. I'm not though. I'm not sorry I'm going through this, this is a huge step in personal growth and for that I'm very thankful and happy.
I'm sorry it's such a DIFFICULT thing to do.
But I am happy that I see the need, that I understand the process and that I am daring and persistent enough to do the work.
In the past I have faced more frightening growing steps and after they are done, the knowledge that you have accomplished the task and become a yet better version of yourself than you were yesterday, that is an awesome and invigorating experience. One I enjoy and look forward to.
But-we can't get there unless we are willing to do the sometimes painful, often frightening, dirt work that leads up to it.
Much like college. Returning to school was SO terrifying. The what if stories I put myself through were astonishingly grim. But the experience itself has been WONDERFUL! The work is hard, the paperwork to make it all happen is a PAIN IN THE ASS. But the feeling of sitting in the classroom, going over material, hearing others share their stories, learning together.... THAT is heaven.
So yeah-this process of changing myself so that my natural care-taker personality doesn't lead to me automatically care-taking, but forcing myself to actually consider if my care-taking is a positive thing for BOTH myself and the cared for; this is hard. It's frustrating most especially watching the people I care for struggle because they are USED to me going OVER THE TOP and doing everything for them. They feel UNLOVED because I'm pulling back and making them do things for themselves. Until they start accomplishing tasks, they won't experience those wonderful feelings of accomplishment that will follow. So it's painful to watch, it's difficult to do. But it's for the best for all of us. So I'm sticking to it.
I'm sorry it's such a DIFFICULT thing to do.
But I am happy that I see the need, that I understand the process and that I am daring and persistent enough to do the work.
In the past I have faced more frightening growing steps and after they are done, the knowledge that you have accomplished the task and become a yet better version of yourself than you were yesterday, that is an awesome and invigorating experience. One I enjoy and look forward to.
But-we can't get there unless we are willing to do the sometimes painful, often frightening, dirt work that leads up to it.
Much like college. Returning to school was SO terrifying. The what if stories I put myself through were astonishingly grim. But the experience itself has been WONDERFUL! The work is hard, the paperwork to make it all happen is a PAIN IN THE ASS. But the feeling of sitting in the classroom, going over material, hearing others share their stories, learning together.... THAT is heaven.
So yeah-this process of changing myself so that my natural care-taker personality doesn't lead to me automatically care-taking, but forcing myself to actually consider if my care-taking is a positive thing for BOTH myself and the cared for; this is hard. It's frustrating most especially watching the people I care for struggle because they are USED to me going OVER THE TOP and doing everything for them. They feel UNLOVED because I'm pulling back and making them do things for themselves. Until they start accomplishing tasks, they won't experience those wonderful feelings of accomplishment that will follow. So it's painful to watch, it's difficult to do. But it's for the best for all of us. So I'm sticking to it.
Not meant to scare or alarm, but it just occurs to me that you'll need to prepare your state of mind for the worst-case scenarios -- okay mostly the scenario where GG just kind of ends up in a dead end in life, and doesn't mind it enough to do anything about it. While I agree that the relationship couldn't have kept going the way it was going, well, you may find out that he cares enough about the relationship to be sorry, but not enough to actually do what he needs to do to save it. I can see that happening as a possibility.
I know, what a pep talk, right? I won't blame you if you want to conk me on the head.
I know, what a pep talk, right? I won't blame you if you want to conk me on the head.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Yep-I know. I am trying not to focus on that, because I feel like that is the MOST likely scenario. But I realize it is a very real possibility. That is a large part of why him moving out isn't optional. I CAN NOT live that way. He has a right to live that way if he so chooses. Therefore he needs his own place so that if that IS the choice he makes, it isn't invading MY space.
Unfortunately it also means that I have to cover all of the bases for the kids. Because I can't count on him. He MIGHT follow thru but he MIGHT NOT and past behavior suggests he PROBABLY won't.
So-I have started the applications for Sourpea to go to a private school. It is going to be a financial nitemare. But educationally much more sound than the public schools in our area.
Maca and I are making our plans for how to finish the work on the house and get things in order to move. Including taking out a loan so I can continue with school.
It is going to be tough. More work than it should have been. But GG has already proven to be unreliable. The date to move is already delayed by 7 years on account of his refusal to do his part. Continuing to make plans that include depending on him AT ALL is idiocy. So we aren't.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry, resentful and hurt. His choices have already had major negative impacts on all of us and he knows it. He KNEW it. But he didn't care ENOUGH to do something about it.
At the same time; if I want things to change, i have to change them. It sucks that I chose to trust someone and depend on someone who didn't live up to their words. Now I need to just stop.
It doesn't matter why.
It doesn't matter if he "wanted" to hurt everyone or not.
It doesn't even matter if he learned his lesson or not.
What matters is that I have learned my lesson and I am moving on with my life, without counting on him to help at all.
Maybe he will. Maybe he won't.
Either way, I am going to find a way to be sure I finish school, the kids get good educations and We move somewhere warm.
To be frank; I expect he will make a strong effort in the next few months. Then he will move out and it will be easier to get lost in the day to day crap and forget about self improvement. Bills will get paid when he gets around to is, no budget will be made (because he has no clue how to make one), no money will be saved or put towards care for Sourpea. No plans will be made to move. He will settle into some predictable visitation schedule around the new school hours of availability the kids have and that will be that.
When and I graduate in 2017 it will hit him like a ton of bricks because Sourpea will start talking about moving and packing her stuff. When we leave he will be devastated and say "there's nothing i can do" and have a pity party in his apartment wondering when we will be back to visit, feeling sorry for himself and mailing Sourpea letters saying how much he loves her and misses her and wishes he could be there. Never once considerig tha HE COULD be there IF ONLY he had bothered to plan for it and take the necessary steps to make it happen.
That is what I see happening. That is what I expect to happen. If something else happens I will be shocked.
Unfortunately it also means that I have to cover all of the bases for the kids. Because I can't count on him. He MIGHT follow thru but he MIGHT NOT and past behavior suggests he PROBABLY won't.
So-I have started the applications for Sourpea to go to a private school. It is going to be a financial nitemare. But educationally much more sound than the public schools in our area.
Maca and I are making our plans for how to finish the work on the house and get things in order to move. Including taking out a loan so I can continue with school.
It is going to be tough. More work than it should have been. But GG has already proven to be unreliable. The date to move is already delayed by 7 years on account of his refusal to do his part. Continuing to make plans that include depending on him AT ALL is idiocy. So we aren't.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry, resentful and hurt. His choices have already had major negative impacts on all of us and he knows it. He KNEW it. But he didn't care ENOUGH to do something about it.
At the same time; if I want things to change, i have to change them. It sucks that I chose to trust someone and depend on someone who didn't live up to their words. Now I need to just stop.
It doesn't matter why.
It doesn't matter if he "wanted" to hurt everyone or not.
It doesn't even matter if he learned his lesson or not.
What matters is that I have learned my lesson and I am moving on with my life, without counting on him to help at all.
Maybe he will. Maybe he won't.
Either way, I am going to find a way to be sure I finish school, the kids get good educations and We move somewhere warm.
To be frank; I expect he will make a strong effort in the next few months. Then he will move out and it will be easier to get lost in the day to day crap and forget about self improvement. Bills will get paid when he gets around to is, no budget will be made (because he has no clue how to make one), no money will be saved or put towards care for Sourpea. No plans will be made to move. He will settle into some predictable visitation schedule around the new school hours of availability the kids have and that will be that.
When and I graduate in 2017 it will hit him like a ton of bricks because Sourpea will start talking about moving and packing her stuff. When we leave he will be devastated and say "there's nothing i can do" and have a pity party in his apartment wondering when we will be back to visit, feeling sorry for himself and mailing Sourpea letters saying how much he loves her and misses her and wishes he could be there. Never once considerig tha HE COULD be there IF ONLY he had bothered to plan for it and take the necessary steps to make it happen.
That is what I see happening. That is what I expect to happen. If something else happens I will be shocked.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
You can't keep your life on hold in an effort to keep someone else's going. Not without losing yours, anyway. You've got a good plan for your future, and you'll make it happen. Hang in there... (hugs)
LovingRadiance
Active member
I am hanging.
I appreciate everyone giving GG ideas-he needs to learn that there is a WHOLE WORLD out there he can ask questions-not just me.
I wish he would re-connect with his friends. I never stopped him from connecting with them, he did that all on his own. He has this issue with not making the effort to reach out (which he also did with me) and eventually people stop trying to reach out to him.
ANYWAY-it would be nice if he would expand his circle so it wasn't always me he ran to when he has a question.
He doesn't seem to understand that answering his myriad questions is a full time damn job and I don't have the energy to keep doing it.
I found out today that Sweet Pea is halfway to Seattle. (a little more than halfway actually). He got a few texts to me before his phone died (edit to read-he was so busy texting his gf that he used up all his battery). He's a good kid. I miss him. This whole having him gone all summer AND him figuring out what girls really are all at once-SUCKS!
He's been my full time side kick for 14 years and then all of a sudden-bam he's all grown up. lol
Actually I'm happy for him. I do miss him, but I enjoy hearing about his adventures.
Maca, Sour Pea and I took the dogs out to the beach today (actually two different beaches). The dogs liked it. They needed some play time and fresh air after being stuck inside most of the last 48 hours due to an outrageous rain storm.
Now it's time for making some dinner.
I appreciate everyone giving GG ideas-he needs to learn that there is a WHOLE WORLD out there he can ask questions-not just me.
I wish he would re-connect with his friends. I never stopped him from connecting with them, he did that all on his own. He has this issue with not making the effort to reach out (which he also did with me) and eventually people stop trying to reach out to him.
ANYWAY-it would be nice if he would expand his circle so it wasn't always me he ran to when he has a question.
He doesn't seem to understand that answering his myriad questions is a full time damn job and I don't have the energy to keep doing it.
I found out today that Sweet Pea is halfway to Seattle. (a little more than halfway actually). He got a few texts to me before his phone died (edit to read-he was so busy texting his gf that he used up all his battery). He's a good kid. I miss him. This whole having him gone all summer AND him figuring out what girls really are all at once-SUCKS!
He's been my full time side kick for 14 years and then all of a sudden-bam he's all grown up. lol
Actually I'm happy for him. I do miss him, but I enjoy hearing about his adventures.
Maca, Sour Pea and I took the dogs out to the beach today (actually two different beaches). The dogs liked it. They needed some play time and fresh air after being stuck inside most of the last 48 hours due to an outrageous rain storm.
Now it's time for making some dinner.
My great hope for GG is that he'll keep his new thread going. He needs to be an active participant. It's what empowers other members (e.g. moi) to reach out to him with advice or empathy or whatever he needs to get through stuff and figure it out.
Glad other things are going relatively well.
Glad other things are going relatively well.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Yeah-we will see. He struggles to keep anything going. Hopefully it is important enough to him to stick with it. I don't know.
LovingRadiance
Active member
So-I got a phone call this morning from SpicyPea. The baby (she's pregnant) is "fine", but there is something blocking her cervix. The ultrasound tech couldn't give her details (not allowed because she's not a doctor), but was able to tell her that she would NOT be able to have a normal delivery, she would have to go c-section & they are sending her to a specialist.
In the same few minutes the new puppy pee'd on the floor and there was blood in his urine. So I took him to the vet. They are keeping him overnight for tests and observation.
It's barely 2pm and it's already been a day. I am on the verge of tears. I'm going to take my headphones and go for a walk.
In the same few minutes the new puppy pee'd on the floor and there was blood in his urine. So I took him to the vet. They are keeping him overnight for tests and observation.
It's barely 2pm and it's already been a day. I am on the verge of tears. I'm going to take my headphones and go for a walk.
opalescent
Active member
Sending LR some long distance hugs.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
More hugs from here...
LovingRadiance
Active member
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70951
That's the link to his thread Mags.
So-it's not the placenta, I don't know what it is, but that is the small part.
The doctor called today. They can't see all of the ventricles of the heart or the facial structure. The specialist isn't available to see her until the 22nd of September. She's already got major issues with anxiety and depression, suffice it to say the anxiety is increasing (which seems impossible-it was already through the roof).
To make matters worse, she has no insurance coverage. She applied for coverage through "denali kid care" with the state but they are backed up from February and haven't processed the request. So she's in a full bore panic about finances. I reminded her that medical bills come and there's nothing you can do but ride it out. It's not the end of the world, just a pain in the ass. But of course, she can't feel that when she's already freaking out.
If the paperwork hasn't been pushed through when I get home, I will help her start paperwork with the hospitals to try and get some of the expenses written off (which they do, depending on your income level).
Maca and I agreed, that when I get back from Oklahoma in late September (and he returns to Kodiak)I will stay home at least for awhile to help her with the boys and try to help get her calmed down some.
Puppy is doing ok. Just waiting and watching to see if the antibiotics do their job with him.
Havne't had time to even think about any of the rest of the stuff going on, because of all of this stuff.
Sweet Pea made it safely to Seattle. He's going to see the Space Needle tonight, he's very excited about that. I got to talk to him and my mom on the phone this morning. It was REALLY good to hear his voice. He's the happy baby (I know, I know 14 is NOT a baby-WHATEVER) and I'm so thrilled that he's enjoying his trip.
That's the link to his thread Mags.
So-it's not the placenta, I don't know what it is, but that is the small part.
The doctor called today. They can't see all of the ventricles of the heart or the facial structure. The specialist isn't available to see her until the 22nd of September.
She's already got major issues with anxiety and depression, suffice it to say the anxiety is increasing (which seems impossible-it was already through the roof). To make matters worse, she has no insurance coverage. She applied for coverage through "denali kid care" with the state but they are backed up from February and haven't processed the request. So she's in a full bore panic about finances. I reminded her that medical bills come and there's nothing you can do but ride it out. It's not the end of the world, just a pain in the ass. But of course, she can't feel that when she's already freaking out.
If the paperwork hasn't been pushed through when I get home, I will help her start paperwork with the hospitals to try and get some of the expenses written off (which they do, depending on your income level).
Maca and I agreed, that when I get back from Oklahoma in late September (and he returns to Kodiak)I will stay home at least for awhile to help her with the boys and try to help get her calmed down some.
Puppy is doing ok. Just waiting and watching to see if the antibiotics do their job with him.
Havne't had time to even think about any of the rest of the stuff going on, because of all of this stuff.
Sweet Pea made it safely to Seattle. He's going to see the Space Needle tonight, he's very excited about that. I got to talk to him and my mom on the phone this morning. It was REALLY good to hear his voice. He's the happy baby (I know, I know 14 is NOT a baby-WHATEVER) and I'm so thrilled that he's enjoying his trip.