Just LR

LovingRadiance said:
It has been his MO to do things "for me." He got his GED "for me," he cleaned his room "for me," he worked on getting a reliable job "for me," he quit a reliable job "for me." He uses me as the excuse/motivation for pretty much everything, and to be frank, I don't want that type of pressure on ME.
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I hate that. Every time my husband says that, it's like fingernails down a blackboard, and all my defenses go up, because I just know that I will be paying for it in the weeks ahead with other passive-aggressive bs. Don't clean your room for me, clean your room to keep the maggots away. If you want to do something for me, clean MY bathroom. Do not claim kudos (I did this just for you - because no one else in the family means shit and I don't think I should have to do anything) for pulling your share of family responsibilities, as doing something for me.
 
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KC, yes. It is the best I can do under the circumstances, because the reality is, that my life is moving towards grad school very quickly. I don't have the time or energy to maintain "mothering" an adult. My oldest three kids are out of the house now. The youngest two are 14 & 7. To be honest, I'm losing interest in parenting. Not that I intend to stop being a mom, but there is a wholly different relationship when the kids are responsible adults. I enjoy that relationship, and I'm looking forward to having it with all of my kids. If I won't be parenting my KIDS, why on earth would I want to be doing it for anyone else??!?! (I don't.)

Sneacail, it does make me crazy, and fingernails on the chalkboard is an apt description.

One of the things the family has heard me press into the children over the last 25 years is "DO NOT say it because you THINK I want to hear it" & "Don't do it for me. This is about YOU and YOUR life."

I don't want my kids to choose their educational topics or jobs or partners for ME and what I think is best for them. I want them to be independent thinkers who figure out for themselves what it is that they want and need in life and then GO DO IT (which they do; I'm not complaining).

But something I've noticed is that GG doesn't identify any of these themes that he has spent 20 years listening to me repeat as having any pertinence to HIM (or anyone else except the child in the conversation).

He seems to be oblivious to the reality of what it is I have been working towards. He SAW kids lying, sneaking, being irresponsible. He heard me telling them why that was unacceptable. But he didn't take that to the next thought, that I find the behavior unacceptable, PERIOD. That children do things wrong because they are learning, but I expect them TO LEARN. In adults it isn't a behavior I want to deal with.

He's even seen me terminating relationships, and can tell you why with each one, but somehow didn't personalize the info. He knows that there is a person who considered me her best friend. I dropped contact because she is a quagmire of mess. She procrastinates, she's always late, she makes excuses for why she "can't" be responsible, she has lousy parenting skills, resulting in her kids being completely out of control and inappropriate for my children to be in contact with, she's a hoarder, she can't find anything, she's irresponsible with money, she's irresponsible with time...

Sound familiar? Yeah... he knows her, watched the whole thing go down, heard me explain why these things just aren't acceptable in MY LIFE. But it evidently never occurred to him that these THINGS aren't acceptable in my life from ANYONE. He and she are so similar in regards to the issues that are destroying their lives and relationships-- it's EERIE.
 
The bottom line, I think, is that as adults we are individually responsible for ourselves FIRST. When the whole airplane's going down, put on your own oxygen mask first and then you can help those around you.

If someone isn't being responsible for themself, it isn't REALLY helping them to "do it for them."

There ARE exceptions, if someone is UNABLE, as in actually incapable, and there isn't an option of them ever learning. There are some mental and physical health issues that limit a person's ability to learn certain things, and that makes sense.

HOWEVER, ADD isn't a health issue that limits your ability to learn time management, financial management, self control, boundary setting, accountability, responsibility, etc. It makes it DIFFICULT, and you have to learn an alternate set of skills for managing these things, because what works for the majority often doesn't work for someone with ADD. But it CAN BE DONE. Using ADD as an excuse is BULLSHIT.

GG has used his ADD and his job and his mom's raising of him as excuses for remaining at the functioning level of the 17-year old he was when I met him. He has actually gotten angry at me for suggesting that, no, I'm not interested in being with that person. He has said that loving someone means accepting them for who they are (and I agree). But he fails to grasp that who you are changes and matures over time NORMALLY, and I have changed and matured over the last 20 years. I've expanded my knowledge and understanding, and sought more knowledge and understanding with each step. I've worked to continue learning and improving on myself. I am not the girl he met and I don't ever want to be her again.

"Can't we go back to the way it used to be?"
NO NO NO NO NO. I don't WANT to.
 
LR, exactly... I use the oxygen mask analogy all the time, mainly because I was taught from a young age that it was my job to take care of everyone else (starting with my parents), and my own needs and health didn't matter. "Oxygen mask" is what I say to myself, or what Hubby says to me, if we realize I'm sacrificing my health or needs to do something for someone else.

Loving someone might mean accepting them as they are... but it also means helping them grow. Life is an unending process of growth and change; if someone chooses to stop that process, it isn't up to anyone who loves them to say "Okay, just stay like that forever."
 
Me too! I spent my life caring for everyone to my own detriment. I thought I was supposed to. Doesn't matter why I thought it, but I did.

In 2010 things changed dramatically for me because of my physical health being compromised to the point of being unable to even take care of myself. I had no choice but to let others take care of me. Since then, I have been systematically making major changes in my life to make me my priority.
 
LR, I just want to say that your blog is speaking to me so loudly lately. I realized some codependent tendencies within myself last week, and have spent the time since trying to change my habits and stop mothering the people in my life. Reading this helps to keep me on track, to feel like I'm not crazy.
 
Rough day, but taking steps

I've been in tears most of the day. I'm tired. I need a break. I know a sort of break is coming. I am flying out soon to Oklahoma to visit friends whose daughter died recently. I won't be taking any of the family with me. So, the family sees that as a break.

Isn't that the shit? My breaks involve caring for people suffering through the grief of losing their daughter, watching someone else's kids, going to school, running errands, buying groceries. Sigh.

At any rate, I spent a couple hours talking to someone else about the whole school decision. I've been talking to Maca every day in great depth, and he's really on the fence about the viability of the private school. We both agree that educationally it's preferable. But functionally there are a number of complicated variables.

The bottom line is what matters, right? I'm trying to find bottom lines and make decisions so I can move on with my life. I don't want to take ANOTHER semester out of school to "finish" dealing with this shit. I need some decisions made so I can return to school in January and get on with finishing my degree.

I am resentful that we MADE a plan, that I took time to cover all of the details, outline exactly what needed to happen, manipulate my classes in a way that worked better for the family, even though it ended up being harder for me to do it, a plan that would have allowed me to get through school, the bills to be paid and Sour Pea to be educated well. But because of GG's choices and lack of follow through, it's not working.

I need to work through the resentment, because that damn sure isn't going to resolve shit.

But I also need to re-plan and figure something out. What I keep hitting is: either I give up school, OR give up on Sour Pea having the better education.

Maca says she's in 2nd grade; she will be finishing 3rd or 4th grade when we leave. He thinks it's worth letting her deal with the public education system here, so I can finish, because doing it the other way around very well could mean not being able to help her or Sweet Pea with college. He has a very good point.

So if I do it all myself, I can barely make the logistics for the private school work. But it's going to require a LOT of me, that may mean me NOT being able to keep up with MY education. It will mean:

1) Driving 53 miles during rush hour traffic, out of my way, 5 mornings a week to drop her at school by 8:45 am, trying to squeeze in the classes I need between 10-1:45 then returning in the afternoon to pick her up by 3:30 and take her home. That would mean leaving the house by 7am and being home about 6 pm 5 days a week.
2) 20 hours/school year of volunteer time
3) $8200 a year.

It will also mean Maca continuing to work out of town so he can get the overtime pay. Which means I also won't have his help at all at home. He would be on Kodiak Island. We would not.

I can't count on anyone else to help. There are people who can "periodically" chip in a hand. But nothing concrete. GG, well, no need to detail that, right? He says he will help, but I've no idea what that means, or how dependable that is. It seems like I've already proven it's a FUCKING terrible idea to make plans that require me to DEPEND on him, because I get screwed over.

ON TOP OF THAT
Spicy Pea is due in January with the new baby. A baby who very well may have MAJOR health issues (appt with specialist is still set for Sept 22nd-so no new info there).

She has a 3 year old and a 1 year old at home already. Her husband works for the prison system. Due to unexpected new laws requiring more staff per set number of inmates, they are currently understaffed and he's been working required overtime for months, with no end in sight. His NORMAL schedule is 7am-7pm for 7 days and then a week off work. However, he's only been averaging 3-5 days off a month. The weeks he "should" be off work, he's been working required overtime on the 7pm-7am shift.

Suffice it to say, they are going to NEED help when the baby comes, EVEN if it's PERFECTLY healthy, at least for a few days. The grandkids don't have a relationship with any of their other grandparents. That leaves me and Sweet Pea to help out with them. I'm not going to offer to take the boys full-time and give up school. But if they need to take the baby out of state for surgeries (which is quite possible), I'm also NOT going to NOT take the boys. They have a bedroom at my home, everything they need. They will be traumatized having Mommy and Daddy disappear with the new baby. They don't need MORE trauma by being left with someone they don't know. I have to be prepared for the possibility that I may end up with them full time and need to arrange daycare for them, as well.

I recognize this is a choice and many people wouldn't choose it. But I DO choose it. I love my grandkids. If their parents can't care for them, they will come to me, financial burden, time burden and all.

But that's just a lot, ESPECIALLY if Maca has to work out of town, too. If I forego the private school, he can be home and at least then I have help in the evenings and on the weekends.

I think it makes more sense to suffer the public school by our house for Sour Pea until we move.
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I spoke with a friend in California. She lives near the grad school I want to go to. She is more than willing to let the kids and me stay there for an undetermined amount of time while I find a job and secure a place to stay.

But she pointed out (after some thorough research on her part and mine), that if I do that before Sweet Pea graduates high school we will be paying resident tuition for college instead of non-resident. That is a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference. It's roughly $55K non-resident/yr (off campus) and almost 1/2 that for a resident.

Sweet Pea is on a good path for being able to succeed in college and move on with a much more stable life than anyone in our family for several generations. I don't want to screw that up. But tuition, even in terms of student loans paid back later, is going to have to be dealt with. We WILL try to get grants, scholarships, etc. But again, those can't be COUNTED on. So I need to look at the most feasible ways to reduce the cost for BOTH of us. Which at this point looks like moving to California a year early and having him finish high school there, which would get both of us resident tuition in 2017.

The grade/middle/high schools in the area are MUCH better than ours. Sour Pea would be getting a decent education in the public schools once we moved there.

My friend (and her husband) are financially sound/stable, with good connections for possible work opportunities for me (and Maca, as well as Sweet Pea, for that matter). It wouldn't be a financial burden for them to give us a place to stay temporarily.

They are going to help me redesign my resume for some specific possible positions in the area. They are also able and willing to help with babysitting before/after school if needed to make this all work.

So it makes best sense to plan for 2016, so Sweet Pea can finish his last year of high school there, and we can still aim for college (grad school for me) there in 2017.

Maca isn't opposed. He may have to remain here to work for a few months while we get me a job there, so that we aren't without ANY income in the process of moving, but there's good reason to believe he could find a job as an electrician there also. It's just a matter of being on top of paying attention and applying, etc.

Today I found a before/after daycare for Sour Pea. It would allow me to drop her off before I go to classes, a few blocks from our home. and she could catch the bus to the school in our neighborhood, and then bus back to the daycare where she could be picked up by whichever one of the adults (or Sweet Pea) was available soonest.

The cost is significantly less than the private school. Additionally, one of the employees is a family friend she knows and we all trust. It's a small daycare facility designed for a small number of kids. It's close enough to home that if for some reason I was going to be late, Sweet Pea could easily walk over and pick her up and walk home with her. Also, it's a mile from where Spicy Pea works, and only about 4 miles from where my sister works. So if there was an emergency while I was in school (and unreachable), the school AND the daycare could reach an adult who was only a few minutes away.

I feel like shit. I feel like I just went through the wringer. So if you guys have any positive reinforcement or anything, I could use it about now.
 
It sounds like you guys came up with some good working plans to accomplish your goals. Northern CA is gorgeous!
 
Anger and resentment are tough to deal with. You have good reasons for feeling them, but that probably makes it harder, not easier. Maybe you're expecting yourself to cope more easily than is realistic? You've been managing a huge amount.

Sounds like a good plan for school. And glad to hear you'll have a bit more support around.
 
I do tend to hold myself accountable for too much. I am working on that, which is part of why I have been writing all of this out. So I can see how much it all really is. I really struggle with "it needs done," so I do it. I try to delegate. But if someone fails, I push thru until I get their part done also.

This summer I have repeatedly made 36-48 hr travel to/from Kodiak and one to/from California with children (7 & under) in tow, with no option for sleep, because no other dependable adult was available.

I regularly go weeks with no day away from ALL of the kids. This summer has been worse, because Maca is again gone to Kodiak and can't help. Of course, when I am here, we have a kid in tow, and she isn't old enough to be home alone, and why would I run off by myself in a place that has nothing for me to do? Especially when the only reason I am here is to see Maca.

I am hurt about my personal relationship with GG.
I am resentful about the disruption to school.
I am angry about the laissez faire responses.
I am distrustful of the newest rounds of assurances.
I am frustrated with the lack of thinking it through and planning around the family, which is completely left to me.
I am exhausted by SourPea's attitude (she needs ADD meds, still working on getting her in to a specialist, because that's the only way to get it set upon waitlists).

I can't even describe coherently how all of this interacts. I keep thinking of statistics."Effect A, Effect B and/or a Interaction Effect of A &B" I have like 10. So that is Effect A-J, and each damn possible interaction between. (Sorry, I am SO not in the mental space to spit up that mathematics.)

Not all of it is GG's fault, despite 'mightymax' thinking that's what I think/said. For example, SourPea having ADD and being stuck waiting to get her in, neither are GG's fault. But his failure to hold her to a strict structure has exacerbated HER issues, which makes her unmanageable, even for him. And all of it interacts and gets more complicated. Then the whole family looks to me for "Now what the fuck do we do?" as if I am a damn magician or "I dream of genie" or some such.

I don't have solutions for AFTER it's a convoluted nightmare. I have clear-cut directives that keep it from BECOMING out of control. But if you toss them aside and say fuck it, well, I DO NOT KNOW how to fix it.
 
As a mom, and even though I unschooled my kids, you have my full support for sending your child to public school. Especially since that will mean her Daddy Maca will be back living with you! I think that is more important, for all of you at this time.

Still holding your pregnant daughter and her unborn child in my heart.
 
I agree. Public school will ease the burden on you. Honestly, the numbers just don't work out-- an over-50-mile commute ALONE will be overwhelming, not to mention the rest. If you need to set things up, then set things up in a way that doesn't crush you underneath the weight of everything else. If Maca can be home because SourPea is going to public school, then that'll be huge.

If the education is a worry, maybe there are after-school programs that can help augment it?

Thinking of you and your family, LR... Hugs, a big cup of tea, and a nice warm bath to you (with NO interruptions).
 
It is totally appropriate to make you finishing school and starting graduate school a high priority for your family. First, you simply deserve that opportunity. Second, it is incredibly important for children to see parents achieving academically. I think this is doubly true of families where it may be uncommon to have a college degree.

My parents have associate's degrees (2 year degrees from community colleges). A few of my aunts have college degrees, but most do not, and I do not believe that any of my uncles finished a four-year college degree.

As a child, I watched my mom do homework, and my father taking over some responsibilities my mom usually did to give her the time she needed. One of the most vivid memories of my childhood is watching my mom walk across the stage to get her degree from the college president as she graduated from college. It is hard to overstate the long-term positive effect of seeing my mom graduate on my own academic achievements. I have a four-year college degree and a Master's Degree in History. Yes, there were lots of other factors, but the idea that my mother has a degree and therefore I could too should not be overlooked.

Do not give up on school. You deserve that opportunity in your own right. But your children will benefit in ways that are not always obvious.
 
I am sorry you are tired and stressed from all the thinking work. Poly math or family math -- in the end it is all the same, running down all the tiers of relationship.

FWIW, I think that's a reasonable stepping-stone plan. You cannot be all things to everyone at all times. It is "take things in turn" time. In case it helps you look at it list-style, here's how I bullet list what you wrote:

Self Care

  • Needing a break.
  • Short-term opportunity -- funeral trip. Can days be tacked on before or after trip for you to hang solo in a hotel to recharge your batteries away from all family (yours and other people's) obligations?
    [*]Long-term opportunity: what are you doing to build them in? You need Mom breaks, regularly.
    [*]Learn to work inside outward. Some things are going to be left undone at the end of the day. Let it be outer layer things, NOT your self care. You first, then your immediate family, then your extended family. In that order.


Fall 2015 - Spring 2015 school year
  • SweetPea (14) at current school.
  • SourPea (7) at current school.
  • SourPea in a daycare you like for now, so you can handle the kid drop/pick up in a way that lets you continue your college classes here.
  • You in college here.
  • Maca working, but here, not away

Pregnancy/New baby/ ETA Jan 2015

  • SpicyPea has Sept 22 appt to check on new baby in utero
  • SpicyPea has the new baby Jan 2015.
  • You are local enough to help out for a time.
  • You let the folks know your plan is still to move, though.
  • That gives them time to get their OWN family plan together.
  • Healthy boundaries for your help:
    • Will not to offer to take the boys full-time and give up on college for yourself
    • Will babysit the boys if parents have to take new baby to special appointments out of state

It is is ok to help your adult children, but not at the expense of yourself or your dependent children. Your (immediate in-house) family first and then your extended relatives. Adult children are extended relatives. Remember that. (It sounds like you are. Kudos on the healthy boundaries.)

No Later than summer before senior year

  • Your immediate in-house family moves to CA to establish residency.
  • Maca gets new electrician job.
  • You continue college with resident tuition or first year out of state and then becoming resident. You position yourself to become better employed and bring in much-needed helpful income.
  • Senior year is completed there for SweetPea. He starts college with resident tuition.
  • SourPea also benefits from the move with improved grade/middle/high schools.

If/when GG taps back in, or even if he doesn't, you guys are covered and moving it forward. You will be ok.

I will hold SpicyPea and new baby in my thoughts and prayers for a safe delivery.

Hang in there!
Hugs,
Galagirl
 
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I haven't read the entire blog, just for the past few weeks, but is there anything that you can ask Maca for in terms of taking some of the load off your shoulders with planning for the family and figuring some of these things out?
 
Yesterday I took a break for an hour, left Sour Pea with Maca.

Galagirl, that is a pretty similar design to what I wrote out in my notebook and almost exactly the same order.

I called my mom yesterday. She's moving to the area where I will be going to see my friend next month. She's currently on the highway somewhere with SweetPea. I left her a message: "It's NOT an emergency, but I need to talk to my mom, so call me when you have service and aren't driving."

She called last night when they got to the next stop (near Sedona). I told her a very truncated version of what was going on and asked if she was up to spending the first weekend I was stateside with me hanging out at the pool and just "catching up." We haven't seen each other, for all intents and purposes since April.

I Facetimed my brother at her retirement party (because I couldn't be there), so I could congratulate her. I also arranged the going-away party, but again, couldn't be there.

This is the first time we will live more than 30 miles apart. So I think it would be nice to spend a few days just the two of us hanging out, before I go tackle the funeral part of my trip. She agreed.

Generally speaking, I could talk to Maca about planning. However he's currently working 10-12 hour days, alone, doing hard physical labor, in addition to all of the planning, layout, material ordering, scheduling of when more workers start and how many, etc. that comes with running a multi-million dollar electrical project. Since it's just beginning, he's the only one on the job at this point and all of the "design" part of figuring out how their company is going to meet the requirements of the contractors prints is his duty to iron out before Saturday. That's what he's been doing since May.

Kodiak is a freaking rain forest, which the contractors didn't take into consideration. So some changes in the timeline/plan have to be made, because they can't pour outdoor concrete in LARGE quantities and expect it to set in a freaking downpour. Soo... he's digging the ditches for the underground wire himself. Because they realized that, "Oh! Gee, that has to go in FIRST, and if we don't get concrete poured ASAP we're going to be stuck til spring." *eyeroll*

He's pretty much wiped out and useless after work except to go to bed. We managed to take a few hours this weekend to go see a rodeo (creepy). But as far as having a serious conversation and having him be able to input anything functionally? Not really.

I HAVE kept him in the loop. I have told him, for example "If we leave 2017 we have these concerns. If we leave 2016 we have these concerns. I'm thinking we should try to aim for 2016. I still need to talk to the school about my classes, but would like to know if that makes sense to you." He does. But as far as having time to consider options for daycare or find them, no way, especially since he isn't available during daytime hours, pretty much 6-6.

That will change again for about a month this weekend. Then he will be back in a crunch as the "real" work begins abd he has to get the guys who come in laid out on what their jobs are. That will go til... about Christmas, and then it will slow down for another month or so before the "Hurry up and try to finish, while the plumbers, electricians, carpenters, sheet rock guys, etc., are crawling all over each other trying to do their pieces and requiring other people's work to be done before they can do theirs."

That will go til the job finishes, which was SUPPOSED to be January. But they are saying March and he says it looks more like May and thinks they are underestimating the effect of weather.

So... yeah.

If I have SourPea set up with daycare and the public school, I can arrange for me to go to the campus in the mornings and stay all day, which means I will have class time, study time, lunch break opportunities with a good friend who works near campus (we like to walk and talk on lunch breaks), as well as free access to the workout facilities on campus starting in mid January (12th). That will help me get some me-time in.

I'm not overly concerned about SpicyPea and family. Barring them being killed suddenly (in which case I would suddenly have two extra kids full time "forever"), they are both really good about not taking advantage and accepting my boundaries. When I'm home, I generally take the boys 2 weekend nights a week, and during school breaks I usually take them an extra day or two. They function very well with my rules and expectations and follow a very structured daily schedule/bedtime etc.

I spoke with Peanut (the 3 year old) by Facetime last night. He is itching to know when Grammy will be home again. "Grammy, you been gone a BERRYYYY long time and Mommy said she is NOT taking me on that boat to Kodiak, even if I like it so bad!"

Mommy got a calendar down off the wall for him and showed him what day yesterday was. He and I counted days til Sunday (when I get home) and he decided that wasn't TOOO "more long" to wait to see me.

I will have both boys Sunday overnight. Then Monday afternoon, after we drop the puppy at the vets (to be fixed), they will go home again. Then I will see them again the 27th of September for SpicyPea's birthday (but only a couple hours) before I take Spicy out. Then a month of seeing them one night a week again before I leave for Kodiak for a month.

Also, SweetPea will be home on the 20th. He's a HUGE help at home. It's much easier to go to the lake, the park, the library, even the store with him around. He's great with the kids. He doesn't mind hanging out with the family (kids included). Where it's kind of dull to play card games and board games if it's just me and one kid, it's a lot more fun with three of us.

To be honest-I'm looking forward to him returning more than anything else, because even though he's only 14 he's the most helpful, responsible and positive of anyone else in the household. If he's sitting on the couch doing his schoolwork (which he does without supervision) and I say I need to go take a shower, he's totally cool with that AND the fact that he's sitting there is enough to keep Sour Pea from screwing around.

He loves to cook, so we often take turns making breakfast, & whichever of us is doing it just makes it for all three of us.

He loves to work out, and makes an awesome workout partner too. Neither GG or Maca has any interest at all in having anything to do with working out, ever. Guess I raised a few good kids. :)

Just got to get through the younger one.
 
Thanks, Mags. I'm not happy about putting her in public school. It's not my PREFERENCE at all. But as I told Maca, I think one of the BIG mistakes we made with the older kids is that we had one in crisis and we devoted OUR time to that child and asked extended family to do the "fun" things with the other kids. That resulted in 3/4 of the other kids having insecurity issues around being less important.

When SpicyPea ended up in the hospital suicidal at 11, we had to stop and take a good hard look at wtf. What came out was that she NEEDED Mom. I was dealing with a violent, out of control kid who couldn't be left alone for 5 minutes. She wasn't violent or out of control. So I wasn't WORRYING about her.

I think we SHOULD have been having the extra help supervising the child in crisis, and maintained prioritizing the family as a WHOLE, not throwing the family as a whole under the bus for ONE.

SourPea isn't going to have her life ruined by a couple years in a public school, even if it's not what I prefer,even if it's not as good of an education as a private school, a home school or even unschooling. But the family as a whole will have some serious consequences if I have to give up school in order to be home with her. Maca can't keep doing the work he's trained for. His body is breaking down. We need me to be able to pull in a decent income before he can no longer do his job.

Anyway, it's a hard decision for me, and I've shed not a few tears over it. But I'm not going to put her in the center of the focus and throw the family under the bus.
 
Thanks, Opal. It's ironic that my field of study has shown me that studies show that parents who finish college, tend to have children who finish college. Go figure.

It's important to me to finish. The family needs me to. But it's important to me personally. A lot of people drew the "finished" line under my name when I got pregnant with SpicyPea at 15. No argument. It wasn't great timing. But that wasn't the damn finish line for me. My life is still going strong. I have dreams that were put on hold while I struggled to feed my family. BUUUUUT on hold doesn't mean given up.

I've been slowly working through classes. I'm at the point where I have two classes to finish and I will have my associate's degree. I am a junior level for my bachelor's. So if I go full time, 2 years from my bachelor's. I'm not giving that up. It's going to happen. Then grad school.
 
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