Just Married! Yay! Wife is Poly? Boo!

[caribou32]

A brief summary:

I'm a 33 year old guy who started dating Mary (31 year old, F) about a year ago. We had a fabulous beginning to our relationship, and I truly thought I'd found my partner. We were engaged about 7 months into dating (I know, I know), and married right around our year anniversary.

Anyhow, she told me 3 weeks after our wedding ceremony, that she's having some loving feelings for a fellow female co-worker, and wants to explore them. I was initially devastated, confused, and hurt by this news, as I thought this was going to be the time we start planning our future together, and this took me completely by surprise.

So, just a few other tidbits of important info....1)My wife, Mary, had mentioned long ago that she'd had been with other women in the past, but it seemed to me brought up in a very nonchalant fashion (she states that she identified as bisexual while we were dating), and I didn't give it much of a thought. She now has expressed that she identifies as bisexual and Polyamorous. (I ain't concerned about the bisexual part of this equation)...Never once did we discuss any type of open relationship while dating

2) The woman she's been dating is a lesbian, who she says is open to exploring a Poly relationship, although I have my doubts, as her previous relationship was for 5 years, and monogamous as far as I know. They've been going out frequently, but I've asked her to refrain from sex until I can process all of this more thoroughly.

3) We somehow didn't get around to signing the marriage license, as we had a friend do our ceremony, so not officially married in the eyes of the State, just to all of our friends and family.

4) We had some pre-wedding relationship issues involving the wedding planning where she was feeling unsupported by me, and where I believe she started feeling for this other woman who was super supportive and helpful in the process.

So yes, now, I'm in that rock=hard place situation, still madly in love with the woman I married, but feeling pretty lost. I'd like to think that polyamory would work, but have serious reservations. I feel betrayed that this wasn't mentioned months ago. I feel threatened that this other woman doesn't really want anything to do with a polyamorous relationship, and is just waiting to pick up the pieces of our crumbling relationship. I feel that any foundation that would be needed for this to work has not been built, but also, if she's truly in love with this person, timing and foundation building cannot wait, and I cannot ask them to put their feelings on hold. I'd like to see polyamory as a beneficial situation for all involved, but I'm having a hard time visualizing anything good at the moment.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi caribou, and welcome

There seems to be a trend in people deciding to get married before they reveal to their new husband or wife that... erm... actually... "I think I'm polyamorous".

I'm really sorry that you are going through upset right now. It's completely understandable, and you must be feeling quite overwhelmed and confused.

Now... on the plus side? At least your wife has told you. Assuming she hasn't actually slept with this woman and genuinely did come to you within a reasonable timeframe of realising her feelings, this could actually be a very good sign of what is between you and your wife! I for one am very glad that you aren't coming here to tell us that your wife has cheated and now wants to be polyamorous. That's incredibly common, too.

So, your wife has been dating this other woman with your consent, then? But you've asked her not to sleep with her yet? How has your wife responded to this?

One thing I will say is that I would exercise caution on that particular thing. When I first delved into the world of non-monogamy, it was a similar situation to yours. I had met a woman through work I instantly felt an extreme attraction and connection to. A few weeks later, I told my then-boyfriend about my feelings. He suggested that I date her, but he - like you - asked me not to sleep with her straight away.

We didn't sleep together straight away, but in all honesty, we did get more intimate more quickly than my boyfriend was comfortable with, or was aware of. I'm NOT saying your wife will be doing things behind your back, but I am saying that it's good to be aware that there's a massive potential for 'grey area' things to happen while she's dating this other woman but being asked not to sleep with her. I'd rather you think about that and consider it that blindly believe your wife might not be tempted, or might not be pushing things a bit. If she's not, great!

What might be a better solution and foster more honesty between the two of you? You could express your own personal limits, but not place a boundary on your wife's own behaviour. For instance, you could say that you would like to know if your wife decides to sleep with the other woman, but that you'd greatly appreciate it if she could hold out for as long as possible, or even until the two of you have agreed to move forward.


Onto the other woman...

I understand your logic. She could, of course, be looking for a mono relationship with your wife. However, I will offer an alternative perspective in the hopes that it helps.

Before becoming poly, I was a serial monogamist. My relationships were always long term. My shortest was 1 year, my longest was 5 years. When I met my current girlfriend (who is married and would only date me if we were non-monogamous), I'd just come out of a 3-year lesbian relationship. That was a monogamous one, like all of my others.

At no point did I personally ever hope that my girlfriend would leave her husband. I fully embraced the idea of poly and thought it was a beautiful way to live. I was glad to have the opportunity to become open to it. I wasn't at all jealous of her husband, and still don't get jealous of him at all. My point is that it is entirely possible for someone to have a history of long-term mono relationships and genuinely want to embrace polyamory. It could be that they have had long-term relationships because they have really good, positive characteristics, like being loyal, being responsible, being a good communicator, being very accepting, etc. These traits could actually work well for you if she became your metamour

In terms of the issues you had before your wedding - I think it's good that you're acknowledging this. For certain, this could have been a contributing factor. When I met the woman I mentioned earlier, through work, I'd been feeling very unfulfilled and invisible in my relationship with my boyfriend. In contrast, this girl wanted to have conversations, share advice, pay attention, and offered all of the things I was lacking. These things can make a difference... However, it doesn't have to mean that people prefer those who give them what their other partner doesn't... Often, it can be that we find certain qualities in one partner and certain qualities in another. Also, remember that there are going to be times when this new woman isn't supportive, or flies off the handle, or does something else your wife doesn't appreciate. Everyone has flaws and all couples have difficulties - this doesn't automatically put you in last place or mean that your wife will choose her new woman over you. It also doesn't mean it's your fault.

Finally, your feelings. It's completely understandable that you feel betrayed, threatened, and lost right now. These are absolutely healthy responses to what you have experienced.

In terms of the sense of betrayal, it sounds like you could do with having an open conversation with your wife about this, so that she can help you to understand her reasons for leaving it until now to talk about poly. She may say something that deeply reassures you. You may find that she never thought it would be an issue, but that she talked to you as soon as she realised her feelings weren't going away. Even if you aren't reassured, talking to your wife honestly about your feelings should at least allow her to understand or at least be aware of what you are going through. If she's aware, there's a hope that she will conduct herself sensitively and not rush into things with the girl.

You can't tell your wife what to do, but I do wonder if it's worth thinking about asking your wife to keep your relationship issues between the two of you - at least while things are this fresh. Your wife doesn't have to agree, but you can always state that you need privacy right now in order to be able to accept your wife's girlfriend. If you fear that your wife is turning to her gf with every problem, you are more likely to feel threatened. Trust is earned, and you aren't going to trust your potential metamour straight away.

Have you considered meeting her? Either on your own to talk things through, or with your wife there? Sometimes it helps to put a face to the threatening force that we are afraid of. She may completely put you at ease. On the other hand, if she has heard bad things about you and wants to 'muscle in', as it were, you meeting her would also make *you* more real to her... which might make her think twice.

Also, it's important now for you and your wife to focus on your relationship, even if she is going to keep seeing this other woman for now. Now is the time for both of you (not just you) to start researching poly, considering poly-friendly marital counselling if you think you have unresolved issues to work on, reading, etc. There's a sticky somewhere on here with a recommended reading list, but these places are good places to start:
- More Than Two (it's a website and now also a book)
- Ethical Slut
- Opening Up
- Minx's polyamory podcasts (Google and it should show up)

If you do both decide to go ahead with polyamory, it's going to be just as important for your wife to balance things and not throw herself into NRE (New Relationship Energy - can make you act crazy-selfish-like). It's also going to be important for her not to break any agreements and to speak up if she needs something that your current agreements don't allow.

All in all, I think that you are dealing with this remarkably well, and I commend you for that. I hope to hear how you get on.

 

[sexyserb]

Caribou,

You have a real problem here for a number of reasons. First and obviously, your wife should have disclosed her sexual proclivities BEFORE you got married. So her not doing that did not really show you a hell of a lot of respect. Guess she figured you'd just accept it or who knows what she was thinking.

The bigger problem is in front of you. You need to read ALL those books and have some serious discussion BEFORE you agree to stay in this relationship.

Right now, your wife has just dropped on you that she wants to sleep with another woman. Well, guess what my friend, do not be surprised that the next boundary she will decide to cross is sleeping with other men. So before you agree to anything, you need to do some soul searching and determine if this is what you have signed up for.

She has "ambushed" you with the poly surprise, and if you read around you will see a number of threads where husbands sign on to one thing that evolves into something they never expected, and the next thing that happens you are in I guess what is described as "poly" hell.

She has jumped the gun big time, been in my opinion deceitful by omission if not intent, and you do not want to put yourself into a position when when she tells you that she has a boyfriend she wants to date that it is a big surprise.

the poly model has very little chance of success unless for anything other than short term unless two people are somewhat on the same page. and that does not mean you need agreeing and accepting anything she proposes.

Good luck

 

[laerhk]

I'm glad for you both that she told you, even after the fact. Having such a quivk engagement may have led to the delay. And then the stress of wedding planning...well, i can see where she thought it was best to wait.
I think your reaction to her being bi allowed her to continue her disclosure. Kudos to you both for keeping open to expressing feelings esp this early in your marriage! It says a lot about you both!
Keep talking. I think it's fair for you to say you get it, but no more relationships for each of you until you get to know each other and your needs both individually and as a couple. There will be a lot of adjustment the first few years.
Just because she's seeing a woman doesn't mean she's looking for another man or even additional women. Bi doesn't mean promiscuous with no regards for others' feelings.
Take time to think about what this (poly) would look like for you, too. Are you interested in this, even as a future possibility for yourself? Do you think you'd prefer to be mono? Are you able to be mono and stay supportive of her being poly?

 

[Memorandum]

This is totally passive-aggressive, but I'd make up some other woman you're interested in, as a litmus test. Just to see if it was on purpose./s

She could have told you well before being married, which is starting to look like a convenience for her (too many reasons to list tbh).
I get the whole co-worker interest thing, since she's been around them for as long as they've been working together. But that just confirms my suspicion about this.

 

[Magdlyn]

Marry in haste, repent in leisure, eh?

Why do partners do this? Something similar happened to me. My (married poly) bf and I were dating a year. At that point, my gf and I (who had been dating 4 years) decided to get a place together, and bf strongly wanted us to move near him. We were all in the general same part of the state, but 20 miles apart in a triangle. So my gf and I got a place 7 miles away from him.

As soon as we did, he started power dating, and finally ended up in a stormy triad with a married MF couple. Before I'd moved near him he'd dated no one else except to form a FWB r'ship with my gf. By the time I broke up with him he'd dated several people (going thru NRE each time) and finally ended up in total crazy NRE with this couple. Nothing like what I'd expected when I moved to be nearer to him!

So anyway... this all seems very fishy to me, your wife and her sudden interest in being poly when the ink on the marriage certificate isn't dry, it hasn't even been applied!

Sparklepop, using the euphemism "sleeping with," is a pet peeve of mine. Even "sex" between 2 women doesn't involve penis in vagina, so things are more nebulous. Is cuddling sex? What if cuddling makes you horny? Is 2 girls kissing sex or just silly fun? Is crowding into the same dressing room to try on lingerie sex? If you have a crush on the girl whose tits are in your face, I'd say yeah. Etc.

sexyserb, why the focus on "let her fuck a woman, she'll soon be fucking another MAN! OMG!!!" Who gives a darn what the sex of her lover is? Poly is poly no matter the gender.

Memorandum, your advice IS passive aggressive and therefore stupid.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am stunned.

Everything is so rushed sounding here...dating you, engagement, marriage, cheat on agreements openly in the rush to date the coworker. Then backpedal to call it "bi and poly now" as if that excuses the poor behavior? Ugh. All that mess would be a dealbreaker for me.

I could be wrong, but I did not read you agreed to Open. Whitewashing cheating by slapping the poly label on it does not make it ethical polyshipping. Are you able to see that?

You deserve better treatment than this. This is not ethical polyshipping to me at all.

If that were me? I would not be filing that certificate. I would be making sure it is def dissolved and she cannot resurrect it somehow. I would step away from the crazy whirlwind. I would walk away and give myself time to detach and time to heal. I would not be in a hurry to marry next time. Long engagement is better.

I am so sorry.


Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

The woman she's been dating is a lesbian, who she says is open to exploring a Poly relationship, although I have my doubts, as her previous relationship was for 5 years, and monogamous as far as I know.

So, does that mean that you believe long term relationships are not possible in polyamory?

And that people who have previously only been in monogamous relationships are incapable of change or cannot embrace new concepts they may never have considered before?



.

 

[ConfusedFeelings]

@Nycindie: I don't think that he said anything similar to that. ("that he believes long term relationships are not possible in polyamory" or "that he thinks that people can't change from monogamous to poly").
I absolutely understand that this is a difficult situation.

Your wife was not honest to you - only after you got married.
caribou32 agreed to a monogamous relationship - got married - and then she changes the rules?
Not fair in my opinion.

 

[sexyserb]

Magdlyn

I don't know who appointed you to decide who is stupid or not, but as a senior member you should have more manners. I guess you think you have some kind of superior opinion on things but since it is fine for you to insult people because you disagree with their opinion I'll and sure Inpoint out how stupid you are when I feel like it.
Who the hell made you a physchogical analyst of anyone.

 

[Emm]

Mod note:

If you believe a post is inappropriate the correct response is to report it to the mods, not to start bickering about it.

 

[Memorandum]

I prefaced it saying it's passive aggressive, I didn't mean for them to actually do it. Would it have been better to put "/s" after it to clarify?

You could have gone another route instead of just saying all of it was stupid. Everything after my stated passive aggressive sentence was my speculation about what she has done, from the information presented. So excuse you.

 

[caribou32]

I am profoundly moved by the responses left by you folks. The fact that a group of strangers took some time out to chime in on my relationship means a lot to me! One of the biggest issues over these past few weeks is feeling that I’ve just been cycling the same thoughts over and over in my head, without any real fresh perspectives. We’ve agreed to not share with friends and family at this point (although she obviously has a confidant).

@Sparklepop, I especially appreciate your perspective coming from the other side of things, especially in regards to the “sleeping together boundry” (which in all honesty, I probably established just to try and buy time to process all of this). It also seems like (to me at least) that’s the line where it goes from “poly-curious” to “yes, I want to be with this person.” Completely agree about the ‘grey area’ of intimacy, I should find a different approach with all of that.

I’ve been meeting with a therapist over the past few weeks trying to get through this process, but I feel like the therapist is treading lightly in regards to offering sound advice. It’s good to hear from some people in the trenches, so to speak.

Ultimately, I still love the person that I married, and yes, things were rushed. I thought we were on the same page/wanted the same things for our future/shared similar values, etc. I don’t believe that she has ill intentions, and perhaps the polyamourous side of her didn’t come into the equation until she found a real contender, coupled with feeling insecure about our marriage. I do believe it was completely irresponsible of her to not mention these values prior to our wedding, but what does that mean now? Nothing I can do but move forward at this point!

@sexyserb “you need to do some soul searching and determine if this is what you have signed up for.”
Agreed, not what I signed up for. A major question I’ve been asking myself lately…”is anything really what we signed up for?” All relationships will undoubtedly have struggles, and things coming to the surface after a commitment has been made. In this case, it’s pretty damn serious, but I’d like to imagine that I could stick with my original vows of practicing loving kindness and compassion in this situation and focus on her needs and wants. At least, that’s what I’d want if I were in my wife’s shoes. I’d want to know that I could trust my partner with anything, and not have a fear that they were going to just bail. This is obviously very difficult for her as well, and I’m trying very hard to be cognizant of that.

@Galagirl, I’m not familiar with the term ‘polyshipping’…I actually appreciate the fact that she was honest about her feelings for this other person. I believe that she told me soon after they first kissed. I can’t really fault her because we never had a serious talk about our values before we married (at least about monogamy/polyamory). I think it was implied when we got married that we’d be entering a monogamous situation, but honestly I probably should’ve asked more questions about her bisexuality, and in retrospect, more questions about her values. I shouldn’t have just assumed that she’d marry me and all of her feelings about woman just disappear.

@nycindie, I certainly didn’t mean to imply that I don’t think long term polyamorous relationships are possible. Just feeling insecure about the other woman’s intentions. Also, yes, the only way this works for me is that there’s a possibility that me (mr. monogamous) can completely reshape my entire perspective on my idealized future, and my value system of relationships. I’m not under the guise that monogamy is some surefire system. I’ve seen it fail time and time again. I’d like nothing more that to be reassured that polyamory would work for me, but it’s only because I’m in love with someone who apparently holds that value system.

I’ve been having this major tug of war between my “self-preservation self” and my “wannabe-enlightened self”. I’ve been reading this really great book, ‘When Things Fall Apart’ By Pema Chodron, which partially talks about treating these challenging moments in life as opportunities to learn and find true peace. But you know, all of these lovely thoughts on peace and true awareness soon disappear when I come home to an empty house. Then I just feel like a selfish, crying, jealous little baby who doesn’t know what to do with himself.

So… still struggling with if this is just something I need to change. Perhaps the only real issue with this whole situation is my perspective.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sorry about that. To me polyship = polyamorous relationship.

What is the purpose of this agreement?

We’ve agreed to not share with friends and family at this point (although she obviously has a confidant).

To me it sounds like that cuts you off from people you have known your whole life, and whatever advice, comfort, or help they might give. It also allows her to carry on this way without any of her people saying boo. Not that you should be seeking retribution.... Just pointing out that this agreement seems to benefit her ability to continue her affair at the expense of your wellness and you seeking help, comfort, or support.

This to me this all still sounds like openly cheating, not like starting to polyship from solid foundations. You are not being treated well and in loving ways here.

I am glad you have a therapist. You might want to talk to therapist and to others about how to deal with stages of grief and shock at this happening. And how to protect yourself. I know it hurts, and you love her. But I think solving the legal marriage problem comes first so you are not at risk for more unforeseen problems simply because that was left a loose end.

Love her if you want. Be her friend if you like... That is not bailing. But you do not have a legal marriage so untangle those loose end things so you stand as two singles. Undo joint checking accounts and anything like that.

Could also get a screening for STDs and make sure you use protection if you choose to share sex. The last thing you or her need is more complications like one of you cleaned out joint funds, STD, or unplanned baby, right?

She is wonky sounding right now. And to be honest... So are you.

I am truly sorry this is happening and you struggling.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Magdlyn...
I'll and sure Inpoint out how stupid you are when I feel like it.

OK.

Who the hell made you a physchogical analyst of anyone.

God.

 

[Magdlyn]

caribou32, I am really sorry you were hit with this all unawares.

So, your "wife" and her gf are kissing, you say. On a regular basis. (I can't help but suspect there is more than mere kissing going on...) And you come home to an empty house, on a regular basis. And you're a newlywed, and supposed to be, expected to be, in a honeymoon state and planning your future with your brand new wife.

Instead she's off on another round of NRE with someone else! Not what you signed up for, not your expectation, just like it wasn't my expectation to have my bf start madly power dating and soon falling in love with 2 others the moment I moved to be near him (and putting their needs and desires and convenience before my own, I might add).

You're probably looking at her and thinking, who IS this person?

sigh... I don't really have anything to add except my sympathies, my compassion and empathy, and best wishes.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Perhaps the only real issue with this whole situation is my perspective.

You're spot on here. Every situation and relationship is 100% dependendent on our perspective and is absolutely malleable as our perspective changes. Relationships are living, breathing, always evolving - set in permanence only as much as the participants' perspectives. The good news here is that you don't have to sit around for this or that "improved" behavior from others in order to feel better about a situation. A change in perspective, however slight, can bring better feeling thoughts and a more positive way of proceeding, no matter what anyone else may or may not be doing or saying.

I’ve been having this major tug of war between my “self-preservation self” and my “wannabe-enlightened self”.

This is one of the harbingers of great change, so bravo for you. Great internal struggle between where we are and where we want to be can bring us to new, higher places and enormously helpful insights: hence, the terms "been around the block," "seasoned professional," etc. etc. etc. Maturity is really nothing more than greeting the disparity you describe with curiosity and a willingness to change. You seem like a deeply reflective, compassionate and respectful person so will undoubtedly make the most of this challenging time. I do hope to read more about your situation as it (and you!) evolve.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi again caribou,

I'm so glad that being here has helped you to start finding some comfort and new perspectives.

We’ve agreed to not share with friends and family at this point (although she obviously has a confidant).

I think this is fair enough if it's something you both want to keep quiet for now. Advice from those around us can be very useful, but if friends and family are likely to be dogmatic in their anti-poly opinions, it might bring complications that you don't need to deal with at this point. However, if you do think someone close to you could be of comfort and you do want to be able to access that, I hope you do speak up about it.

@Sparklepop, I especially appreciate your perspective coming from the other side of things, especially in regards to the “sleeping together boundry” (which in all honesty, I probably established just to try and buy time to process all of this).

I'm happy to have helped! And I completely understand why you requested the boundary - but I'm glad that you are reconsidering it.

It also seems like (to me at least) that’s the line where it goes from “poly-curious” to “yes, I want to be with this person.”

I can see what you mean here and to a certain extent, I agree with you. Oxytocin (the 'love hormone') is released during sex, which can lead some people to feel closer to their partner afterwards. Essentially, I think that the result of sex can be an increased desire to be closer to the other person.

That being said, I think that especially in this situation, transitioning from curiosity to a definite want to be with the person/practice poly isn't necessarily the reason for deciding to go ahead and 'sleep together' (forgive me, Mags?... ~grins~). For instance, when I first slept with the woman I told you about earlier, it was actually hugely driven by a curiosity/desire to re-explore women, things I'd never been able to do with women, and so on. If your wife's bisexuality has never been explored, or it's been a while since it has been, she might be driven more by curiosity, and this might be less of a indication that she definitely wants to cross the line into polyamory. I think her expression of her love for this other woman is a more accurate indicator of her crossing the line into polyamory... Something that she has already done. Does that make sense and help you to look at their sexual interaction a little differently?

A major question I’ve been asking myself lately…”is anything really what we signed up for?”

I commend you for this!

I’d like to imagine that I could stick with my original vows of practicing loving kindness and compassion in this situation and focus on her needs and wants. At least, that’s what I’d want if I were in my wife’s shoes... This is obviously very difficult for her as well, and I’m trying very hard to be cognizant of that.

You seem incredibly empathetic and I truly hope your wife returns your kindness and commitment.

I think it was implied when we got married that we’d be entering a monogamous situation, but honestly I probably should’ve asked more questions about her bisexuality, and in retrospect, more questions about her values. I shouldn’t have just assumed that she’d marry me and all of her feelings about woman just disappear.

I think this is a fair and mature assessment. (Though I do not think the lion's share of this falls on your shoulders).

But you know, all of these lovely thoughts on peace and true awareness soon disappear when I come home to an empty house. Then I just feel like a selfish, crying, jealous little baby who doesn’t know what to do with himself.

This made me smile and want to give you a big hug. Many of us have dealt with this feeling. Some poly people deal with this feeling after years of being poly. To me, enlightenment and self-growth isn't only actually about reaching a state of complete peace... it's about the journey, and about the decision to allow yourself to take your mind to another place and challenge your perspectives.

This is all very, very new, and you are dealing with this extremely well, in my opinion. Don't forget that you are actually very likely to be grieving right now. It's perfectly possible (and probable) to grieve the loss of monogamy, the loss of trust, the loss of safety, and so on. It's not surprising you find yourself in floods of tears and moments of despair. Remember too that the stages of grief are: Denial > Anger > Bargaining > Depression > Acceptance. You will get to a point where you accept that polyamory is likely going to be on the cards in your marriage, and it's at this point that you will know whether or not that's something you want too.

And, if it helps? I've been poly for 4 years (+ the 6-8 months with the other woman I told you about), and for me, I've found that it gets easier: a) the less I try to control other people, and b) the more accustomed to things I become. Four years ago, I would be beside myself with upset whenever my partner went on a date with anyone. I'd fret continually about her speaking to new guys online, and whatnot. These days, I'm honestly usually almost entirely comfortable when my partner goes on a date. I even look forward to the alone (~cough~ playing the Sims and making YouTube guitar covers ~cough~) time! Certain situations, certain metamours, and certain events are still hard for me, but the general dealing with poly has become a lot easier. To be honest, if I feel loved and happy in my relationship, I care less about poly stuff. It's when I feel neglected and unwanted that poly becomes a big deal. I hope that you feel wanted in your relationship, or that your wife is as committed as you are to getting that feeling back.

Finally then, while I genuinely (truly) admire your reaction to this (you sound like my kind of person), I am concerned for you. How has your wife behaved towards you since this has come out? Have you made peace with her kissing this other woman before coming to you? For me, this would be a huge deal, but for others, sex is a bigger deal. You say you come home to an empty house - how often? Is your wife balancing everything and being loving towards you? I'm very interested to hear that side of things.

 

[IndieSolo]

@Galagirl, I’m not familiar with the term ‘polyshipping’ . . .

Ugh, it's not really a word at all. Some people use it to mean "having polyamorous relationships," a dumb contraction of sorts that started popping up here and elsewhere, but it is rather irksome. Please don't think you need to use it. Proper English language is sufficient.

 

[SmileTexas]

Everything but

I went through something very similar to what you are having to deal with a few years ago. It blew up. I asked them to just go on dates but nothing too intimate. That just seemed to make them both sex crazy. Eventually, we had to end the whole thing and lost a good friend out of the mix and had to slowly rebuild our marriage.
I am back on here again because we literally spent two years talking about it and getting back on firm ground. You have to have a very strong set of rules "written down".
I would also recommend that you ask her to stop seeing her gal for a month while you two talk about it and get a better idea of what you both want in your marriage and from her new partner. If she can not give you that, you may already have your answer.
I wanted to please my wife so much that I allowed things to happen that I was not comfortable with in our relationship. You should ask for the month to get your head on straight and to get her NRE under control.
I thought I was too cool for school back then and that I could handle anything emotionally. Not true. I am not even there now. Not even close.