Just need to get my feels out into the void.

MelloHippie

New member
To preface: I’m away on a trip. Have had to drive 16 or so hours the last 2 days. Haven’t been sleeping well. It’s catching up to my mental health.

Husband has our partner over while I’m gone. It’s just feels a bit heavy for me. I feel like my place is being filled while I’m gone. I’m happy he has someone with him because he recently had a death in the family and this was not a trip I could miss. May be my only opportunity out of the country in my life and a lot of money was already invested into it. He wanted me to go.

She’s one of our only close friends. It’s hard and complicated. I’m so confused about my feelings and involvement. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can do it. I’m trying so hard and it seems so easy for them.

I’ve been trying not to think about things too deeply because when I do I stress myself out so bad I get sick. Right now I’m too tired and the intrusive thoughts are winning.

I don’t want to feel replaceable. I don’t want to feel like my bond with him isn’t special. Like I’m just another partner only fulfilling the needs of his I can. It was just us for 7 years. We got married. I got too comfortable and entangled I guess.

I wish it was easier for me. Sometimes I want to be involved and feel like I can do it. Other times I would give anything for it to go back to the way things were. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I feel like If I can’t do poly then I’ll have to leave because this lifestyle is a part of him. He says I won’t have to and we can always work on things. I don’t always feel like I can.

I wish we hadn’t spent 7 years in a monogamish relationship. We both said we didn’t want monogamy starting out. That was before we got as close as we did. Opportunities didn’t arise for 7 years. We were just trying to survive. Didn’t have time to date/no luck finding anyone. Now we’re in it and there are times where I just want to give up. I can’t leave him, I love him too much and it would hurt too bad. So I just gotta accept it. And do my best to process things on the rare chances my mental health allows it.

I just wish it was easier. I want so bad to be able to do it.

I have a good husband who listens to me and is doing his best to understand and reassure me. Our partner is very good too and does the best she can for me. I’m the one struggling with it. I’m the one struggling to be a good partner for her and figure out my place in this new relationship. It’s only been 5 months and I’m trying to give myself the time and space to grow. It’s just hard sometimes and I’m really fucking tired.

*Not looking for comments unless they’re positive and encouraging. I am not looking for advice. I really just needed to write it out and feel like someone out there was listening. I’m just not in a good headspace.
 
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You've got this. I hope your trip is really enjoyable and then you can deeply feel when you get home that you have been missed and are absolutely not replaceable. You're heard (seen). And it's going to be okay.
 
Hi MelloHippie,

When you are a wife, I feel there is an expectation that your husband will favor you in a way he would not favor anyone else. Your husband's second partner is not a wife to him, therefore should not be on an equal level to you. I think this is what's rubbing you the wrong way, is that she is getting privileges that you feel should be yours alone. While you are alone on a trip, he and she are off having fun together. That's not fair to you as the wife; if you can't be with anyone, then he can't be with anyone either. At least this is how you feel on some level.

I think polyamory comes from a completely different perspective, you are in your early poly experience, and are having some struggles developing the different perspective that poly has. This is to be expected, you are not doing anything wrong, and being poly and in a polycule is something that will get easier for you over time. You are used to monogamous ideals, and it will take a while to unlearn that. But I feel that you will unlearn it in due time, poly will not always be this hard. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
To preface: I’m away on a trip. Have had to drive 16 or so hours the last 2 days. Haven’t been sleeping well. It’s catching up to my mental health.

Husband has our partner over while I’m gone. It’s just feels a bit heavy for me. I feel like my place is being filled while I’m gone. I’m happy he has someone with him because he recently had a death in the family and this was not a trip I could miss. May be my only opportunity out of the country in my life and a lot of money was already invested into it. He wanted me to go.

She’s one of our only close friends. It’s hard and complicated. I’m so confused about my feelings and involvement. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can do it. I’m trying so hard and it seems so easy for them.

I’ve been trying not to think about things too deeply because when I do I stress myself out so bad I get sick. Right now I’m too tired and the intrusive thoughts are winning.

I don’t want to feel replaceable. I don’t want to feel like my bond with him isn’t special. Like I’m just another partner only fulfilling the needs of his I can. It was just us for 7 years. We got married. I got too comfortable and entangled I guess.

I wish it was easier for me. Sometimes I want to be involved and feel like I can do it. Other times I would give anything for it to go back to the way things were. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I feel like If I can’t do poly then I’ll have to leave because this lifestyle is a part of him. He says I won’t have to and we can always work on things. I don’t always feel like I can.

I wish we hadn’t spent 7 years in a monogamish relationship. We both said we didn’t want monogamy starting out. That was before we got as close as we did. Opportunities didn’t arise for 7 years. We were just trying to survive. Didn’t have time to date/no luck finding anyone. Now we’re in it and there are times where I just want to give up. I can’t leave him, I love him too much and it would hurt too bad. So I just gotta accept it. And do my best to process things on the rare chances my mental health allows it.

I just wish it was easier. I want so bad to be able to do it.

I have a good husband who listens to me and is doing his best to understand and reassure me. Our partner is very good too and does the best she can for me. I’m the one struggling with it. I’m the one struggling to be a good partner for her and figure out my place in this new relationship. It’s only been 5 months and I’m trying to give myself the time and space to grow. It’s just hard sometimes and I’m really fucking tired.

*Not looking for comments unless they’re positive and encouraging. I am not looking for advice. I really just needed to write it out and feel like someone out there was listening. I’m just not in a good headspace.

I hope you feel better for the vent. I would offer advice, since that is kind of what we all do here, listen, reflect back what we heard, make sure we understand the background of your situation, and then give suggestions to try and guide your way in this new and strange world of polyamory. But if you don't want advice at all and just want to vent and ramble in your blog, that is totally cool.

You're not the first person who has started out trying to do poly as a triad, by any means. It's the hardest way to do poly, just sayin'! And I'll leave it at that.

One suggestion: you might want to pick out nicknames for your husband and partner for when you post here. It makes it easier for the members to read and understand things. If you look at other blogs and posts you'll see that most people agree it's helpful.

I hope you feel better after your rest up from your driving.
 
I hope you feel better getting that out some.

I hope the trip driving stress is past, and you can actually enjoy the trip part now that the "getting there" part is over..

I hope over time, things get easier with the new poly relationship.
 
Thank you for sharing this. We're all a mixture of rational and 'feels' and you are working through something that is hard on the feels for any human who hasn't had to work through it repeatedly and made their peace with it. And, you are doing it without losing touch with the rational. You're feelings are reasonable, and it sounds like you have more strength than you're crediting yourself with.
 
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