MelloHippie
New member
To preface: I’m away on a trip. Have had to drive 16 or so hours the last 2 days. Haven’t been sleeping well. It’s catching up to my mental health.
Husband has our partner over while I’m gone. It’s just feels a bit heavy for me. I feel like my place is being filled while I’m gone. I’m happy he has someone with him because he recently had a death in the family and this was not a trip I could miss. May be my only opportunity out of the country in my life and a lot of money was already invested into it. He wanted me to go.
She’s one of our only close friends. It’s hard and complicated. I’m so confused about my feelings and involvement. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can do it. I’m trying so hard and it seems so easy for them.
I’ve been trying not to think about things too deeply because when I do I stress myself out so bad I get sick. Right now I’m too tired and the intrusive thoughts are winning.
I don’t want to feel replaceable. I don’t want to feel like my bond with him isn’t special. Like I’m just another partner only fulfilling the needs of his I can. It was just us for 7 years. We got married. I got too comfortable and entangled I guess.
I wish it was easier for me. Sometimes I want to be involved and feel like I can do it. Other times I would give anything for it to go back to the way things were. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I feel like If I can’t do poly then I’ll have to leave because this lifestyle is a part of him. He says I won’t have to and we can always work on things. I don’t always feel like I can.
I wish we hadn’t spent 7 years in a monogamish relationship. We both said we didn’t want monogamy starting out. That was before we got as close as we did. Opportunities didn’t arise for 7 years. We were just trying to survive. Didn’t have time to date/no luck finding anyone. Now we’re in it and there are times where I just want to give up. I can’t leave him, I love him too much and it would hurt too bad. So I just gotta accept it. And do my best to process things on the rare chances my mental health allows it.
I just wish it was easier. I want so bad to be able to do it.
I have a good husband who listens to me and is doing his best to understand and reassure me. Our partner is very good too and does the best she can for me. I’m the one struggling with it. I’m the one struggling to be a good partner for her and figure out my place in this new relationship. It’s only been 5 months and I’m trying to give myself the time and space to grow. It’s just hard sometimes and I’m really fucking tired.
*Not looking for comments unless they’re positive and encouraging. I am not looking for advice. I really just needed to write it out and feel like someone out there was listening. I’m just not in a good headspace.
Husband has our partner over while I’m gone. It’s just feels a bit heavy for me. I feel like my place is being filled while I’m gone. I’m happy he has someone with him because he recently had a death in the family and this was not a trip I could miss. May be my only opportunity out of the country in my life and a lot of money was already invested into it. He wanted me to go.
She’s one of our only close friends. It’s hard and complicated. I’m so confused about my feelings and involvement. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can do it. I’m trying so hard and it seems so easy for them.
I’ve been trying not to think about things too deeply because when I do I stress myself out so bad I get sick. Right now I’m too tired and the intrusive thoughts are winning.
I don’t want to feel replaceable. I don’t want to feel like my bond with him isn’t special. Like I’m just another partner only fulfilling the needs of his I can. It was just us for 7 years. We got married. I got too comfortable and entangled I guess.
I wish it was easier for me. Sometimes I want to be involved and feel like I can do it. Other times I would give anything for it to go back to the way things were. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I feel like If I can’t do poly then I’ll have to leave because this lifestyle is a part of him. He says I won’t have to and we can always work on things. I don’t always feel like I can.
I wish we hadn’t spent 7 years in a monogamish relationship. We both said we didn’t want monogamy starting out. That was before we got as close as we did. Opportunities didn’t arise for 7 years. We were just trying to survive. Didn’t have time to date/no luck finding anyone. Now we’re in it and there are times where I just want to give up. I can’t leave him, I love him too much and it would hurt too bad. So I just gotta accept it. And do my best to process things on the rare chances my mental health allows it.
I just wish it was easier. I want so bad to be able to do it.
I have a good husband who listens to me and is doing his best to understand and reassure me. Our partner is very good too and does the best she can for me. I’m the one struggling with it. I’m the one struggling to be a good partner for her and figure out my place in this new relationship. It’s only been 5 months and I’m trying to give myself the time and space to grow. It’s just hard sometimes and I’m really fucking tired.
*Not looking for comments unless they’re positive and encouraging. I am not looking for advice. I really just needed to write it out and feel like someone out there was listening. I’m just not in a good headspace.
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