Just opened, wife started with boyfriend, I'm dreading online dating

[Rendren]

A couple months ago we decided to try dating in our pod. It went well for my wife, and while I now have a great relationship with the other wife we have decided not to date. This time has been dense with character-building experiences. I've gotten through some tough emotions and there's a lot more work to do, and throughout I have appreciated all of this has strengthened my relationship with my wife and built up my own emotional skills.

Now I'm in a good place (emotionally) to start focusing on trying to find people of my own and am about to set up my OK Cupid account, but it's pretty daunting. As a married man who doesn't want to be out with only about a million population nearby, I'm lead to believe that it could take months or years to find someone, which makes this difficult to face. I'm also worried about expectations in online dating; I'm interested in dating before getting too sexual, and I'm still what rules I want to have in terms of that, and how much I'd be willing to further limit the pool of people. In the end the only thing I'm really looking for is someone who shares my love languages, to promote effortless affection.

Another issue I'm not sure how to navigate is dating other men; I know that I can find men attractive and would like to try dating one, but I have very little experience being with men and I'm not sure what I would be able to promise entering into that kind of relationship. I'm not sure what kind of man would be interested in dating me when they could look for someone more experienced and sure of themselves.

Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Rendren,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have quite a bit of thinking to do, to figure out what you want and how you want to go about it. Don't feel too down about it; everyone has to start at the beginning. It does take awhile to find someone, so you will have to be patient. I'm just curious; you mentioned an "other wife." Is that someone you might want to date somewhere in the near future? or are you just friends with her for now? In any case, if there's anything I can do to help, I would be happy to do so. I encourage you to invest some time reading and posting on this forum; Poly Relationships Corner is particularly helpful as you can get a lot of responses there from a wide range of people. Good luck and hang in there!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Evie]

Oh man, I'd love a million population nearby

I'll just join your cheering squad, dude. Put yourself out there, see what happens. Some people do great on OKC - you can string together comprehensive paragraphs so you already have an advantage over many (oh online dating, how I loathe thee) so go forth and write!
Starting out during a pandemic is going to be tough, not going to sugar coat that one, but just keep swimming fishing until you find someone you click with. They will be out there (and entirely possible that they will be experiencing as much trepidation as you are right now.)
Try poly Facebook or Reddit groups, too. There's often a wife or two looking for conversational distraction while hubby is out on a date...

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree that starting to date during a rampant pandemic is a really bad idea. Why not wait until later this year, when the vaccines are going to be much more widely available? After all, the new strains are much much more contagious and it's going to get worse before it gets better out there.

That said, there's nothing wrong with getting on OKC and writing a nice interesting profile, taking some excellent selfies or finding some old pix to post. You need at least one smiling head shot and one full length body shot. Pay attention to the background. Outdoors makes you look interesting. If it's indoors, pay attention to what's in the shot. A splattered bathroom mirror or lots of dirty laundry is a turn-off. Make your bed.

You may well find some nice women or men who are also lonely, and not yet 100% sure what they are looking for, to chat with. Just chatting can be fun! It can be interesting and you'll learn some things about yourself and others.

Good for you for not feeling obligated to hook up with the wife of your wife's bf, in some kind of forced swap. Way too many people think a four way swap is the only way to do poly, or at least, for a long term couple to share one bi woman. But this is a difficult way to do poly, especially if you're new to it.

Good luck. Just be light, have fun, and reduce your expectations.

 

[Rendren]

I'm just curious; you mentioned an "other wife." Is that someone you might want to date somewhere in the near future? or are you just friends with her for now?

To clarify, the 'other wife' is the wife in the couple I'm podding with. We tried dating, but she isn't ready for that. We're much closer now, and things might start up again in the distant future, but I can't assume that will happen.

you can string together comprehensive paragraphs so you already have an advantage over many (oh online dating, how I loathe thee) so go forth and write!

That is actually the most concrete encouragement I have received thusfar, thank you!

Try poly Facebook or Reddit groups, too. There's often a wife or two looking for conversational distraction while hubby is out on a date...

I'd actually love to build some connections like that. Forums are great, but I would really like to build friendships with a couple people with poly experience to better ground myself through this. Any advice on building these connections? I've sent a couple people DMs on reddit after talking to them in posts; None have responded so far (which is fine) but I'm never sure if the way I'm reaching out is inappropriate in some way I'm unaware of.

I agree that starting to date during a rampant pandemic is a really bad idea. Why not wait until later this year, when the vaccines are going to be much more widely available?

I wouldn't mind spending a few months vetting/talking/meeting outdoors while waiting for a vaccine, on the off chance I find someone right away. That could actually be good for me. Additionally I really would like to try to start something by the end of the summer; my wife is pregnant with our third and once that happens it would be so much easier to avoid investing time in OKC.

Good for you for not feeling obligated to hook up with the wife of your wife's bf, in some kind of forced swap.

It's one of my few concrete assets; she is willing and able to be an excellent wing man now, and if I find someone wary of my lack of poly experience she can vouch for me as someone who not only knows me, but watched me go into a relationship expecting things and come out with a great friendship after those expectations fell through.

 

[Evie]

I'd actually love to build some connections like that. Forums are great, but I would really like to build friendships with a couple people with poly experience to better ground myself through this. Any advice on building these connections? I've sent a couple people DMs on reddit after talking to them in posts; None have responded so far (which is fine) but I'm never sure if the way I'm reaching out is inappropriate in some way I'm unaware of.

All I've got is, "let something notable about you shine through on that first message".
One person I met through DMs asked a question along the lines of, "who would win in a fight...and then proceeded to personify a couple of forest animals right down to why one of them was having a bad day (his car was stolen). It was quirky and I was amused to formulate my argument.
Another was simply so eloquent and interesting he stood out a mile from the variations of "send nudes" that so many guys seem to think is a good idea to lead with. He showed me something of himself rather than immediately expecting something from me. He's now my US based partner.