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chadp

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Hi, my wife and I have been married nearly 30 years and it is a great marriage. We started out with swinging back in the summer and it has been nothing but positive. About a month ago, she started getting feelings for a guy we played with some. Now she says she is poly and wants to date him. I am trying to go along, as said guy and I get along really great and he is extremely respectful.

Now for my question. Is it reasonable to ask that she does not slip off every night for an hour to call him? Even if they talk during the day, she still has to slip off, or she waits till I'm asleep. Which I don't mind if I'm asleep, but feel that she is rushing our time or getting ill at me if this puts her getting to sleep too late.

I am trying to be understanding. Being new to this, I really might be missing something. Any good advice, even if it does not match my thinking, as I want to treat their relationship with as much respect as he has shown ours. I know this might just be NRE, and that's a whole other post coming.
 
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Hi. It's all about what you feel and what you're able to accept. I would discuss with her about how you feel and try to find a way that both of you are happy.

This said, I don't have all the information, but it sounds like she's rushing into this. It really looks like she is in a high NRE. It would be more important for her to take time educating herself about polyamory before getting too much into it. It seems like you guys are skipping steps. Have you discussed your boundaries, what's allowed, what's not? Reading the books Opening Up and/or The Ethical Slut would be a good start, if you haven't already.
 
I'd recommend you both read up on “poly hell," which was an article published by Kathy Labriola. It basically discusses the consequences of unchecked NRE.
 
Are you in poly hell?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
 
chadp said:
Hi, my wife and I have been married nearly 30 years and it is a great marriage. We started out with swinging back in the summer and it has been nothing but positive. About a month ago, she started getting feelings for a guy we played with some. Now she says she is poly and wants to date him. I am trying to go along, as said guy and I get along really great and he is extremely respectful.

Now for my question. Is it reasonable to ask that she does not slip off every night for an hour to call him? Even if they talk during the day, she still has to slip off, or she waits till I'm asleep. Which I don't mind if I'm asleep, but feel that she is rushing our time or getting ill at me if this puts her getting to sleep too late.
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What do you mean by "getting ill at me"?
chadp said:
I am trying to be understanding. Being new to this, I really might be missing something. Any good advice, even if it does not match my thinking, as I want to treat their relationship with as much respect as he has shown ours. I know this might just be NRE, and that's a whole other post coming.
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It takes practice, as a polyamorous newbie, to learn to control and regulate our NRE. The pull is very strong. You can certainly talk about feeling her rushing to get back to new guy when she's with you. She might deny it. But hopefully she takes your words to heart, respectfully.
 
Thanks for the info, everyone.

We have gone through Ethical Slut and Polysecure together and our communication is very good. It's this one issue, mainly. She has trauma coming out of a controlling environment and this triggers that. I will definitely read "poly hell." Thanks for that advice.

We did jump in head first. We've paused several things until we can discuss more and meet with a poly-friendly therapist. She is agreeing to go slower. A real plus is her partner is also about going slow, so there is absolutely no pull from his end.

For getting ill at me, I would say maybe agitated and blaming me for not getting enough sleep. Nothing major in itself, but in the long run could spiral into something.

I really appreciate any and all advice. Overall we are doing good. I just want to keep it that way and seeking advice of those who have already been where we are.
 
Hello chadp,

It sounds like she is taking away from your time with her by slipping off to chat with this other guy. You might suggest to her that if she is going to short you one hour in the evenings, she needs to make up that hour somewhere else. Remind her that you have been very supportive of this new relationship, now you need her to return the favor. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
We both just read the "poly hell" article, and it was spot on. The demotion part nailed me. I never thought about it from the point that I am grieving losing 30 years of being her only one. Reading that and coming to that conclusion was well worth my time posting this question. It has helped very much.
 
It's NRE. It makes us think about the new person all the fucking time.

You might want to get explicit about this, even if it's hurtful, that she can't really focus on your together time. Talk to her. Maybe ask her to say goodnight to her lover earlier some days so that you can enjoy the evening without this pressure, or let her propose her own solution.
 
chadp said:
Thanks everyone, for the info. We have went through ethical slut and polysecure together and our communication is very good. It's this one issue, mainly. She has trauma coming out of a controlling environment and this triggers that. I will definitely read "poly hell." Thanks for that advice.
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Being married almost 30 yrs, are you saying the monogamous structure of marriage was traumatizing, or it was you and the demands you imposed? Were opening up/swinging/polyamory some sort of rebellion against all restrictions?

I would also suggest the article "The Most Skipped Step: Detangling."

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

This isn’t monogamy. This isn’t swinging that allows for the sex, but protects the sanctity of the marriage. This is starting over, new rules new mindset. The old 28-29 yr marriage is gone and this new marriage or partnership is being built with some of the salvage and familiarity of the old. IMO, the longer the marriage, the harder the transition, because of all the history and expectations that have to be overwritten now.

chadp said:
We did jump in head first. We've paused several things until we can discuss more and meet with a poly-friendly therapist. She is agreeing to go slower. A real plus is her partner also is about going slow, so there is absolutely no pull from his end.
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Sometimes practical realities help pump the brakes on runway NRE. Is her new partner also married? Does he have any poly experience? How many partners does he have outside of your wife?

chadp said:
For getting ill at me, I would say maybe agitated and blaming me for not getting enough sleep. Nothing major in itself, but in the long run could spiral into something.
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Here again a practice solution from the detangling handbook (metaphorically speaking… there is no detangling handbook) is setting up sleep accommodations elsewhere. Say good night, get a hug or squeeze or whatever, and then you or she go to a separate room. If she wants to stay up texting or sexting til 2 am, it’s her choice and her consequence.

chadp said:
I really appreciate any and all advice. Overall we are doing good. I just want to keep it that way and seeking advice of those who have already been where we are.
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Are you planning to poly-date or to develop other outside romantic relationships, or are you going to stay in the swinger lane? I think there’s a much higher failure rate in poly/mono dynamics. When both individuals are poly-dating, it gives balance and understanding from both sides of the fence.

Good luck D
 
chadp said:
Hi, my wife and I have been married nearly 30 years and it is a great marriage. We started out with swinging back in the summer and it has been nothing but positive. About a month ago, she started getting feelings for a guy we played with some. Now she says she is poly and wants to date him. I am trying to go along, as said guy and I get along really great and he is extremely respectful.

Now for my question. Is it reasonable to ask that she does not slip off every night for an hour to call him? Even if they talk during the day, she still has to slip off, or she waits till I'm asleep. Which I don't mind if I'm asleep, but feel that she is rushing our time or getting ill at me if this puts her getting to sleep too late.

I am trying to be understanding. Being new to this, I really might be missing something. Any good advice, even if it does not match my thinking, as I want to treat their relationship with as much respect as he has shown ours. I know this might just be NRE, and that's a whole other post coming.
Click to expand...
Hey man, welcome, seriously. It’s always good to meet someone who’s approaching this world with openness, respect, and a real desire to do right by everyone involved. You’re definitely not missing anything; these shifts can feel huge, even when the relationship is strong and the people involved are good.

What you’re feeling about the nightly calls is completely reasonable. Poly doesn’t mean your needs suddenly matter less. It’s totally okay to want your shared time with your wife to feel relaxed and unrushed, and wanting some balance isn’t about restricting her, it’s about making sure everyone feels cared for, including you.

The fact that you’re already checking yourself, thinking about NRE, and wanting to respect their relationship says a lot about the kind of partner you are. You belong here in this “club” just as much as anyone, thoughtful, communicative folks are the ones who make poly dynamics work smoothly.

You’re doing great. You’re learning something new, you’re showing up with good intentions, and you’re not alone in navigating this stuff. Glad you’re here.
 
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