keeping my married girlfriend a secret from my family

EllenN

New member
I'm in my first poly relationship, and my family does not know about it.
Our situation; my Girl Friend (GF) is married to a man (Girl Friend's Husband, GFH). GFH also has a Boy Friend (BF). None of us have any interest in changing this dynamic or adding other metamours. GH and GFH are expecting their first child and we are all thrilled about it! :)

While we are open with our friends and her family, MY family is in the dark and believes GF is a close friend. I've weighed the pros and cons of telling my family and always come up with more reasons not to. The biggest one is that I am certain that there is no way they would could ever understand that I could be happy this way. I truly believe that they would think I was "settling" and that I am just wanting so badly to have someone that I will take less than I deserve. I know I would never be able to convince them otherwise and that I would never hear then end of it from them, which would only cause strain on my relationship with GF.
I also run into situations where me and GF are spending so much time together or doing things that seem like something you do with a GF, not just a friend, and trying to find ways to either explain it to my family or avoid telling them altogether. For example - telling my mom I'm busy this weekend because she is coming over, but she's been over the past three weekends, and my mom finds it odd I'm with her so much). Yes, I realize as I type this how overbearing that sounds but, I'm sure some daughters know exactly what I mean. ;)

I carry some guilt around not telling them, as I tend to be pretty open with my family. I do feel like telling them about this relationship, that is so important to me, would only cause unhappiness.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Are you still?
Any insight would be greatly appreciated!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello EllenN,

I am kind of in your situation, in that I have not told my family that I am in a polyamorous relationship. I would like to tell them, but then my companions' families would probably find out via Facebook, and that outcome is out of the question. At the same time, everyone knows that the three of us live in the same house together, and I'm sure they all think that is strange. I am presented as a close friend, even adopted family, to my two companions who are legally married to each other. People do not understand our situation as it is, I'm sure they would really not understand it if they knew we were poly. Although sometimes I wonder, if some people have guessed the truth, and just haven't said anything about it. Sometimes it's easier to ignore the elephant in the room, right?

I do sympathize with your situation.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'm in my first poly relationship, and my family does not know about it.
Our situation; my Girl Friend (GF) is married to a man (Girl Friend's Husband, GFH). GFH also has a Boy Friend (BF). None of us have any interest in changing this dynamic or adding other metamours. GH and GFH are expecting their first child and we are all thrilled about it! :)

While we are open with our friends and her family, MY family is in the dark and believes GF is a close friend. I've weighed the pros and cons of telling my family and always come up with more reasons not to. The biggest one is that I am certain that there is no way they would could ever understand that I could be happy this way. I truly believe that they would think I was "settling" and that I am just wanting so badly to have someone that I will take less than I deserve. I know I would never be able to convince them otherwise and that I would never hear then end of it from them, which would only cause strain on my relationship with GF.
I also run into situations where me and GF are spending so much time together or doing things that seem like something you do with a GF, not just a friend, and trying to find ways to either explain it to my family or avoid telling them altogether. For example - telling my mom I'm busy this weekend because she is coming over, but she's been over the past three weekends, and my mom finds it odd I'm with her so much). Yes, I realize as I type this how overbearing that sounds but, I'm sure some daughters know exactly what I mean. ;)

I carry some guilt around not telling them, as I tend to be pretty open with my family. I do feel like telling them about this relationship, that is so important to me, would only cause unhappiness.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Are you still?
Any insight would be greatly appreciated!
I'm not sure how old you are. That can have an effect on what you should tell your family, why, and how.

You could keep your gf a secret. You could tell your family you're seeing her, but be discreet about her being married and pregnant. You could tell the whole story and let the chips fall where they may.

If your mom wants you to visit, and you keep putting her off in favor of your gf, you could carve out some time without your gf and go see your mom for a couple hours. That would stop the questions for a while.

It's always a personal decision to tell or not to tell family. It's a form of "coming out" and is totally up to you. You say you'd "never hear the end of it." But you can stop the conversation. With anything we do as adults, our parents may not approve. And out of love (or for less noble reasons) they may want to give unsolicited advice. We can thank them for their thoughts, tell them you're making the decision that is right for you, and change the subject. If they won't leave it alone, we can hang up the phone, leave the room, leave the house. You set your own boundaries as an adult.

I'm older and I've had different reactions from different family members. My mom died before I went poly. My dad is too self -centered to care. My sister has always been supportive. My oldest best friend just doesn't get it, but she's not critical.

My gf (who is 43) has told her family she has a gf she lives with (me). I've met them a few times and they accept me. Pixi, my gf, has not told them she also has a long term bf. I doubt she ever will. Her family lives 7 hours away and there is no need for them to know, or to meet him.

Pixi's bf (39) dated her for 7 years, until he told his parents and brother that he had a gf this year! lol. He just didn't want the questions, about marriage, kids and the like. So far, there's been no pressure, but they only met Pixi once (outdoors in the summer), because of Covid. We'll see what happens... whether he'll tell them she lives with him half time and me half time. We aren't too concerned, one way or another.
 

Gmeter

New member
If you come out, you will be ridiculed by some, but it will be accepted by others. That is what happened to us. If you think about it, it's very similar to a homosexual coming out of the closet to his family.

You sound happy with your lifestyle and it involves all consenting adults. That's really all that matters. Just because your relationship isn't traditional or normal in today's society, doesn't make it wrong. At least, not to everybody. Would you rather struggle with them knowing, or struggle with keeping it hidden?

It did cause friction for a while. Be ready for that. We lost some friends, but gained others. Some family members still ignore us, and that's fine. But, the relief we felt afterwards made it worth it.

I'm not trying to talk you into coming out. You have to decide which struggle is right for you.
 
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