Kevin's Hetero MFM Poly-Fi V

wildflowers

New member
Sorry you're feeling so down about yourself right now, kevin. I too believe you help a lot of people here, and hope that provides some comfort. And I hope this phase passes quickly!
 
Hello my friend. Are things getting any better? Just happened to browse your blog, as I usually do when I tire of reading the stories of self-induced angst so many others post in here. And here I find you having a crisis of the psyche. :(

For a man so willing to give of himself to help others, it pains me to see you're having a bad time of your own. So whatever it is you're going through, it will pass. It always does, good or bad. It's the curse and blessing of life, isn't it?

When the turtle comes out of the shell, make sure it spends a little time jotting down what happened to it. Maybe it could be of help to someone else? Just a thought.

Be well, amigo. :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I have a strict policy never to reveal my weaknesses on a public forum. While most listeners are supportive, there's always that one person that will pounce on that weakness and give you the "tough love" treatment for it. I am a bona fide coward and will do all that is necessary to avoid that treatment.

I have a real fetish for sleep these days, and I detest waking up. My soul is distended with anxiety, yet I know my only cure is to put one foot in front of the other. I hope the soul swelling will go down.

Thanks for the well wishes.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I completely understand your policy. I'm quite similar and for the same reasons. Although I will say there's a distinction between revealing weakness repetitively as if it's some sort of talisman to be bandied about - versus discussing it as a cause and effect after the trouble has passed. The latter can take many forms of course - I'm the master of self-deprecation in fact. :)

Does the change in seasons affect you now, seeing as you're much more north than you used to be? I notice it in myself at this time of year, more so with each passing year. Not wishing to project my own thing on to you, but seeing as how we're both removed from more southerly locations to the north I was curious if you had a similar response.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I haven't been keeping up with your blog (or anything on here) but Isanted to say thank you
I know I cant fix the struggle right now
Just as you cant fix mine

But the time you have taken for me, the kindnesses you have shown and the safe listening ear you have made available to me keep me going

There have been a few days through this latest struggle of mine when i was ready to iust give in
And i have written something to you and always gotten a response in mindness and consideration and thoughtfulness

Thkse little "one foot in front of the other" steps you are taking may not feel purposeful RIGHT NOW in your life-but they have been the handhold on hope for me recently

So thank you Kevin
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Just want to add to the chorus of appreciation for you, Kevin. You're clearly a bright ball of loving generosity and you radiate kindness on everyone here. Your light is always shining, even when you're in the shadows - it's that consistent and that bright.


>----(^_^)----<
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Thanks guys.

@ monkeystyle ... I get a lot of anxiety that I can't explain; it just seems to come out of nowhere. Then some totally inadequate trigger sets it off. As far as I can tell it's not seasonal, in fact Summer may be worse than Winter due to the heat (which I find harder to escape than the cold).

@ LovingRadiance ... I feel like such an ingrate when I hear about what you're going through lately. Way worse than anything I go through. Though I shouldn't be comparing. One heart compared to another is like an apple compared to an orange. What one person internally suffers is very different from what another person internally suffers. But in the external suffering department at least, I'd say you're carrying by far the biggest load. I am grateful if I can be of any little help.

@ HappilyFallenAngel ... awww shucks, I'm not all that. :eek: Thank you for saying so. I know some would say this forum's not a community, but I consider it a community and I want to be a contributer to it, since I receive much from it.

We all have our weak moments and some of us (e.g. me) crave words of affirmation during those moments. Some folks prefer a kick in the ass to put them back on the strait and narrow, but I already kick myself more than enough.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Don't kick yourself over me. Just realize, I understand anxiety & other me tal health struggles. Not only do I have them, but I study them.

My situation may CURRENTLY be messier, but we have many similar struggles.

It IS meaningful that amidst your internal struggles you find time to reach out and say exactly the things others need to hear in order to keep going. That is-quite literally-a lifesaver.

None of us can know whose lives are saved when we take that time, cause they lived. With two suicide losses who were close to me in the last 5 years & another peripherally connected through a child I consider one of mine....
I know exactly what it feels like to know you didn't get the chance to say exactly the right word at the right time.

And-I know very well the internal battle of depression/anxiety that often leads to suicidal thoughts and attempts. Because I fight it.

So when I tell you that in several of my darkest, most frightening moments, when there was no one near at hand to say the words I most needed to hear-i reached out ever so briefly to online 'friends' and the one who has CONSISTENTLY responded encouraging and giving me the small amount of strength I needed to get myself out of the ditch and back in motion was you....

That is a huge thing Kevin. You don't know me in person. You have no "life connection" to me. There is nothing to tell you "this moment is the one that really matters". Which means-every moment available, you are stepling to the plate.
So few do that.

Man-thats an awesome and amazing thing.
If you struggle-well fuck oh dear God knows you put your time in helping others.
Wish I could give you a hug.
Hell-I wish you could see the tears streaming down my face right now so you could truly accept the depth of sincerity and seriousness of my post. Cause I KNOW I cant fully express it via text.

Give yourself some grace. Anxiety is the pits. You have come through much. You will come through this too. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself the chance to accept the reassurance and comfort we send you, reminding you that even if we are invisible, you DO, absolutely do make a huge difference in our lives.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I appreciate your understanding LR. It's hard to explain how something that looks easy to most people is not easy for me. I don't often get to hear the words, "Hey, I get it." (Not that I'm complaining; the amount and range of moral support people have given me on this thread has greatly and pleasantly surprised me.)

Re:
"None of us can know whose lives are saved when we take that time, cause they lived."

Well said. I take it very seriously when I post on a thread where someone is in some kind of trouble. I don't know how my words will affect that person, so I try to choose my words carefully. And I make an effort to think of *something* to say to them. I don't want them to suffer in silence. I strongly agree with you that we never know how small of a thing can make the difference between someone's life or death.

Re:
"So when I tell you that in several of my darkest, most frightening moments, when there was no one near at hand to say the words I most needed to hear -- I reached out ever so briefly to online 'friends' and the one who has *consistently* responded encouraging and giving me the small amount of strength I needed to get myself out of the ditch and back in motion was you ..."

Gosh, I don't know what to say. Thank you. I am glad I am able to help. I always think of myself as such a screwup, it's like a system shock (in a good way) to hear something like your above statement.

Re:
"There is nothing to tell you 'this moment is the one that really matters.' Which means -- every moment available, you are stepping to the plate."

Very well said. We just never know when we might be interacting (or have opportunity to interact) with someone at one of the most crucial moments of their lives. Some people say that Polyamory.com (etc.) is just a bunch of random strangers interacting on the internet, but I don't think we can excuse ourselves that easily. We are highly responsible for the threads that connect us to each other, and I take my "internet relationships" (and the very real people in them) very seriously.

Re:
"Hell -- I wish you could see the tears streaming down my face right now so you could truly accept the depth of sincerity and seriousness of my post. Cause I *know* I can't fully express it via text."

Well, I am moved and honored. It is a big deal for me to hear you say that.

It will take some time for me to absorb your post. Thank you so much for sharing so deeply of your feelings. I think it will quiet some of the brain weasels I have in the future.
 

nycindie

Active member
I always think of myself as such a screwup . . .
Oh, Kevin, dahhhhling - you always a screw-up? Naaah. You are the one person here who is so consistently compassionate, level-headed, and civil in tone, whether your advice is very careful and kind or somewhat stern. Your sense of humor rocks and you are... reliable. We all make mistakes, but I would never think of you as a screw-up, and I find the idea that you always think of yourself that way as hard to believe.

But I know how easy it is to find oneself in that pit of despair, caught up in a web of extremely negative thoughts about oneself. A while back, I guess about two years ago, I was in terrible angst over some difficulties in my relationship and went to meet a friend for coffee. She and I sat down at the table and I burst into tears. I told her, with the utmost conviction in what I was saying, "I've come to realize I have absolutely no redeeming qualities!" Those were my exact words and I was dead serious. I sobbed and blubbered over this "revelation." As I blew my nose and wiped away my tears, I looked at my friend and she was sitting there just cracking up!

She said, "I'm sorry, but I can't help laughing. Those are the thoughts I usually have about myself and it's so funny to see you - YOU - seriously saying this!" Turns out, she always felt a boost of energy and positivity whenever we got together, and admired me for quite a lot of things, and never would she think I had "no redeeming qualities." I recall how utterly serious I was about it and how defeated I felt at that time, but it just wasn't the truth. And I couldn't believe she thought that way about herself.

Kevin, you are a good person. You have value. You have worth. You matter.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Thanks nycindie. Your words are candid and generous and give me hope. I suppose we all have our moments when we think we're just no good. One almost has to have such moments in order to be a good person. We have to stringently examine ourselves from time to time. I guess the trick is not to be too stringent, or to keep the good parts in perspective.

Re (from LovingRadiance):
"Save the post. You can reread it when doubts sneak in."

Yes LR, that's just what I was thinking ... and I have saved the link and the text of that post on the ol' hard drive.

I should probably do better about giving notice when I'm going to disappear for several days -- and that's probably going to happen this week. My brother and sister-and-law have rented a place for a bunch of us to stay for Thanksgiving. I may post a little tomorrow; after that I'm thinking I won't have my computer til Saturday at the soonest. Unless we have WiFi and are packing my computer. I don't know yet. But if I disappear, don't worry, I'll be back.
 

Garriguette

New member
I hope that your Thanksgiving is good and restorative. Sending hugs and gentle thoughts with you.
 

Atlantis

Active member
I don't have quite the way with words that other do, but entirely agree with NYC's post.
I value your input on the boards and imagine many folks value your input in RL too.
Be kind to yourself Kevin. The spiral will reverse.
 
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