Kev's Tale

KND

KND

Member
Written largely for my own benefit, herein lies the Cliff Notes of my travel to Polyamory.com.

For background, see Finding my place as the newer partner in a complex (semi?) poly dynamic and Might be my final post. Of course, a lot of details of my story are missing in these posts. The following adds more and should move you to the present.

Cast (In order of appearance):

Kev (Me)​
Lychee (wife)​
Pear (Girl Friend)​
Strawberry (sex partner1)​
Watermelon (SP2)​
Plum (short-term relationship1)​
Honeydew (STR2)​
Cranberry (STR3)​
Kiwi (current partner, aka “D”)​
​
The previous posts landed with an ultimately failing and ‘accidental’ FMF V with Lychee and Pear. The failure of this relationship was enduring and painful. In the end, we all got along well enough. It was too bad that didn’t happen during the relationship. The end morphed over time but at different rates between the two. As mentioned before, I still have as-needed interactions with Lychee.

As the final embers cooled with Pear, I renewed sexual contact with a couple of folks I had known for years (Strawberry and Watermelon). These two were FWB situations. The last time I saw Pear IRL was at a John Prine (gratuitous name-drop) concert. We texted some over the 8 years since the Prine concert. 4.5 years have passed without any contact.

After Pear and I split and Strawberry and Watermelon moved on, I decided to just have fun. Find myself: focus on other parts of life, avoid deep relationships, and so forth. This probably should have been a temporary end to all dating, but I engaged in three mostly physical relationships during this roughly 2 year period. These forays were with Plum, Honeydew, and Cranberry. All were short-lived, fun, and interesting spaces. However, by the time Cranberry came and left, I was in quite a different and improved personal space. For the first time in many years, I felt like I was just ‘me’ with my own plans, ideas, and a solo future. I liked it and became protective of this space (still am).

Wait a minute . . . in rolls Kiwi.

I leave it to Kiwi to tell their own story, but I can add that Kiwi went through similar experiences and was also in a new place of being solo. Perhaps, therefore, when we met, things developed quickly and smoothly. We discussed a lot of relationship ideas from the very beginning. We expressed boundaries and desires. COVID and other external influences pushed us closer together out of necessity and efficiency. At the time I/Kiwi figured that we would have some fun, be safe and happy. It might go a while or not. No real expectations; in the moment. We first met in 2019 and continue having a great time together today.

So, here we are back to the future.

Kiwi and I have built our relationship on concepts of independence (see It's an Iterative Process). We are more entangled than we started but take our independence seriously and like to think of ourselves as unique creatures that choose to be together each day. In fact, each quarter, we have a semi-formal sit-down where we discuss the last quarter, how things are currently, and declare if we want to move forward together for another quarter. This may sound odd, but it is perfect for us. We look forward to the process each solstice/equinox.

How does this relate to Poly, and why are we here?

From the standpoint that we are separate entities, our relationship has been ‘open’ form the start. We do what we want (with consideration of the implications of our actions on others, of course). Currently, we choose monogamy and living together. It must all look rather normal as seen from the outside. The quarterly review is a reminder, nonetheless, that we stand on our own yet beside one another.

In other posts, I described us as COVID hermits who feel that more community (a collection of friends) is needed and desired. Our search for personal community has led us to larger communities and include Tantra events, a swinger event, and a yoga retreat. Whether together or separate, we plan to continue attending more gatherings which may align with our relationship ideas as well as our other interests. We are also somewhat active in online forums such as polyamory.com, fetlife, and Meetup. Kiwi does not have much patience for online activity. I do not expect much IRL community to develop from online activity and see online mostly for learning. It could happen, however. Kiwi and I did meet on OKCupid. We search for meaningful and positive connections to others who might have similar feelings about autonomy and what that means for relationships and/or looking for those with similar interests: gardening, teaching/learning, fermenting, hiking/outdoors, DIY, mechanics, and science as a short list.

That’s it. I welcome any questions or notes on mine and Kiwi’s story so far.

I expect to post here periodically with updates on our goings and comings.
 
Did you and Lychee divorce, or just separate? Are the two of you still in contact? Just curious.
 
We are no longer married but we do stay in somewhat contact. We have known each other a long time and have a number of other shared connections.
 
That makes sense. Thanks for sharing your story.
 
Here is the first of an intended chronicle of Dee’s and my exploration to build a small community. The first part is a review of what we have done so far followed by our newest event.

Tantra- our Tantra events were aligned with Tantra practices and concepts, but there was certainly a Western approach. This is truer with some more than others. For example, our first event was really a swinger’s party that started with a good deal of Tantra instruction and typical Tantra Temple activities (Google these things) such as Latihan, Nadihan, and Puja. Ultimately, however, the point of the gathering was to have sex with strangers. We were not surprised or turned away from this, but we did not directly participate with others. We attended mostly for energy-based activities and thought we might enjoy a sexually charged atmosphere and meet a few folks to boot. The Nadihan was great. We did not meet anyone to wrote home about. We were glad to have gone. It led to a lot of discussion and interest in pursuing more energy work and interacting with others in meaningful ways.

After this first Tantra experience, we have gone to two other temples. While these were not swinger events there were plenty of lovely people in sexy attire, sensual touching, nudity, and sex. The sex was not exactly the focus, energy flow was, and this went rather well. We ended up meeting and liking several people and even had someone visit and stay a few days with us. So, that was a win and a 33% gain in our community. Not to say this new person is exactly part of the community just yet. It is a start. We want to continue these energy-flow experiences. We also regularly practice QiGong and are looking for our first event related to that.

Most recently, we went to a yoga retreat where there was no observed sex or sensual touching. The only nudity was caused by Dee and myself in the hot tub on the first evening. There was one person in the hot tub and the leaders of the event were also relaxing nearby. Dee asked, “how clothing-optional is the hot tub” to which one of the leaders replied enthusiastically, “very optional.” The person in the hot tub agreed, so we hopped in wearing our preferred clothing option for hot tubs (none, that is). I don’t think it was actually ok with the partner of the leader (the leaders are partners). We enjoyed the hot tub just the same.

Overall, the yoga retreat was quite good with plenty of instruction and off-time to relax in the afternoon. Good food too. We very much enjoyed the vocal toning we learned along with sunrise meditation and enjoyed a contemporary styling of live Kirtan along with the yoga practice.

In terms of community, not only did we meet a few interesting people (oh, and I forgot about the incredible Thai Bodywork), I think Dee made an actual friend. We both socialized well above our norm, and we ended up with a lot of good tips about finding other events in our area.

Dee is off traveling for a few weeks, so we will not have any coupled adventures. I may go out on an excursion or two if I can muster the courage. If not, I will likely spend time in the forest. I may not find a friend there, but if I do, it is more likely that I will get right along with them.
 
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This post is for the record, but is similar to Polyamory dating Misconception.

So, we decided to (but I actually did it) to try out online dating apps using OKCupid and Meetmindful.com. OKC has a lot of proclaimed poly people. MM has more mono but from different social sub-groups (homesteading for example). It is non-mono friendly. It all started out rather fun, and writing the profile info was a good exercise. It did not take long for the new to wear off, however. I was reminded of my previous experience with these apps which did have a happy ending just the same. It started feeling off, unreal, very swinger-like even from those professing Poly, and was becoming addictive. I closed the accounts after a couple of weeks. Perhaps, we will try again later and give Feeld a go.

There has not been much opportunity for new IRL interactions lately. This will change next week when I take a little break from responsibilities to go on a pretend run-away from it all.
 
Watch Out for the Other Guy

My time in this forum has been very fruitful. Every question or situation has me thinking about my past and present. Trying to understand others is a useful strategy to understanding oneself. As part of my reflection of past experiences and in the context of posts which are more advice-seeking for a relationship issue, I have considered how we are often, if not always, reading one side of a story. (Partial credit to @FeralGeek, in Harder than anticipated-- (he can date women, I can't date men) for indirectly pushing me toward making this post.)

In terms of that reflection, I imagine, what if my past partner (Lychee) had posted here? Maybe she did. I should do a search. How would things have sounded about me? Not good probably, and not-good being somewhat accurate. OTH, Lychee was often impossible to talk to and, from my perspective, had a delusional slant. A friend of mine said, “When I divorced, I really wanted to blame everything on my wife, but I realized I may have been part of the problem.” For myself, I can say that I have certainly been complicit in many disasters. Still, I do not want to be judged without having a voice.

When we read any post, about a relationship, we have learned merely one side which is, no doubt, biased even if 100% honest. I believe that for many situations, Feral’s advice would be useful: let’s get all parties on here. Many times, not, of course, as this forum may serve more as a haven to the poster where they just need friendly and objective ears out of range of their partner(s). I take a breath and try not creating my own bias in favor of the poster or their partner.

Probably like many, when I was learning to drive, experienced drivers gave me the useful advice of “watch out for the other guy.” One morning, I backed out of my driveway dazed, likely coffee deprived, certainly distracted. I backed across a lane of travel and steered to head down my lane only to see a driver in the other lane stopped and kindly waiting for me to get my shit together. I had not even looked that direction. There was no horn blowing, and no fingers were extended. There was just a friendly face to which I said thank you. That day, I realized: I WAS the other driver and was very glad the other guy was watching out for the other guy.
 
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NRE Tore Out My Heart and Stomped that Sucker Flat

There is a lot of talk on our forum regarding New Relationship Energy (NRE). It is likened to a powerful drug which impairs judgement, makes us forget condoms, and leads to broken promises. It is thought that even our individual neurological make-up can amplify its effects. None of these things do I doubt. In fact, I believe that NRE is real, and lays claim to unsuspecting victims every minute of the day with a promise of nirvanic bliss. No one can resist. It would be futile (hear it pronounced as “few-tile”).

I went years and years not knowing NRE. I felt its undeniable power many times, of course. In fact, it was how I ended up in a long-term marriage, and it was how I ended up not in a long-term marriage. NRE got me into it. NRE got me out of it. While I only recently learned it had a name (NRE), I just forgot it existed even though it was lying dormant like an insidious virus. Talk about exponential impact- try some NRE after not feeling it for about 25 years. Add to that plenty of good ole’ ORE (Old Relationship Energy, a depressed cousin to ERE), and you have the perfect scenario for NRE to drop a NBB (nuclear bliss bomb) which it did in my second to most recent NRE tangle when I met Pear (see the cast in Kev's Tale). Wow. NRE really knew it had a true sucker in its sights that time. A new sexy relationship injected directly into the soul of a soulless doormat. Give that feeling to anyone, and they will fight to preserve it at all costs.

And so I did.

In my most recent bout with NRE, in the form of a new relationship with Kiwi, I managed to get a pretty good choke hold on that old bastard. There were a few skirmishes before Kiwi such as Cranberry, Plum, and Honeydew each of which was an opportunity to have a puff without inhaling and to learn that one can enjoy the feelings associated with new people, new ideas, new sex, and other things ‘just new’ without a contractually binding trip to the crossroads.

Today, I walk around with a beautiful case of ARE (awesome relationship energy) and envision a future of connecting to other interesting people and to more wonderful ARE from these new connections.

Do you know what is missing in this fantasy? Right. No NRE.

The demon has been purged.

(I say that now)

Title Credit- Lewis Grizzard

Postcards from Hell
 
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Since you said you're open to questions, I wanted to ask where you got the acronyms ORE and ARE. Read them somewhere? Made them up?

Some people would object to calling ORE "depressed." That sounds like a lack of energy, by your definition. ARE sounds made-up, but great, of course.

I made up ERI years ago, for established relationship intimacy. I have found it to be an excellent antidote to NRE. Of course, a lot of experience with NRE can lead to an antidote, as well, or make you immune to it altogether. I remember feeling it after just a couple weeks of chatting and one date with a certain guy, only to pull myself up and out of it. "You barely know this guy. It's all hormonal. It's probably an illusion." And it was.

With my newest partner (Aries), we chatted now and then as friends on Fetlife for three years, 2018-2021. We did a little flirting, but he was in a mono relationship, and then Covid hit. I was jaded from years of dating, thinking one good partner (Pixi) was all the universe had for me. When Aries and I finally met, his natural interest and enthusiasm felt like love-bombing to me, or just his own NRE talking, because I was so cautious. Turns out his NRE was just the red carpet to an enduring love, and my drawbridge gradually lowered.

My ERI with Pixi was what kept me sane, even though it turned out it wasn't just the hormones of NRE I was fending off.
 
Magdlyn said:
Since you said you're open to questions, I wanted to ask where you got the acronyms ORE and ARE. Read them somewhere? Made them up?

Some people would object to calling ORE "depressed." That sounds like a lack of energy, by your definition. ARE sounds made-up, but great, of course.
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Questions and comments are ok and solicited. Thank you for yours.

ORE and ARE, yes, made up and personally directed only. While my definition of ORE is accurate to the way it felt to me at the time, I intend no disrespect or offense to anyone suffering from depression- if that is your meaning.

ARE- is exactly how I feel things these days, and it sounds a lot like your term, ERI- which also sounds great.

Magdlyn said:
Turns out his NRE was just the red carpet to an enduring love, and my drawbridge gradually lowered.
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Brilliant.

When I was writing this post, and before when I was conceiving it in my head, I realized how much I cannot imagine NRE happening again. At least not happening in the way I have felt before and certainly not in the way I reacted to it. I do imagine meeting others that give me energy and add to my feelings of ARE.
 
KND said:
Questions and comments are ok and solicited. Thank you for yours.

ORE and ARE, yes, made up and personally directed only. While my definition of ORE is accurate to the way it felt to me at the time, I intend no disrespect or offense to anyone suffering from depression- if that is your meaning.
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No, that's not my meaning. I didn't feel a lack of respect. You said:

plenty of good ole’ ORE (Old Relationship Energy, a depressed cousin to ERE)
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The "E" stands for energy, and yet you call the energy of an "old" relationship "depressed," as if an established relationship is intrinsically a bad thing, boring, lackluster, even perhaps unhealthy or antagonistic. You don't seem to be thinking, with this statement, as if a tried and true, trusting partnership is wonderful and beneficial. Yet, in "ARE," an established relationship is awesome... I don't know if that's what you meant, but that's how it read to me.

That's why I like ERI, since I've replaced "energy" with "intimacy." Energy merely suggests electric kinesthetic movement, whereas intimacy reflects something deeper, more nourishing, fulfilling, dependable, a foundation.
KND said:
ARE is exactly how I feel things these days, and it sounds a lot like your term, ERI- which also sounds great. Brilliant. When I was writing this post, and before, when I was conceiving it in my head, I realized how much I cannot imagine NRE happening again, at least not happening in the way I have felt before, and certainly not in the way I reacted to it. I do imagine meeting others that give me energy and add to my feelings of ARE.
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No, that's not my meaning. I didn't feel a lack of respect. You said:
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Got it. Good.

The "E" stands for energy, and yet you call the energy of an "old" relationship "depressed," as if an established relationship is intrinsically a bad thing, boring, lackluster, even perhaps unhealthy or antagonistic. You don't seem to be thinking, with this statement, as if a tried and true, trusting partnership is wonderful and beneficial. Yet, in "ARE," an established relationship is awesome... I don't know if that's what you meant, but that's how it read to me.
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I am glad to clarify this question for the record. If you took it that way, others may as well or in other unintended ways. My term ORE is more of a tease than anything and not a poo-poo of ERE. The way you interpret my meaning of ORE is probably correct, but I don't equate ORE and ERE which is why I invented the term to describe my old situation.

My term of ARE would include your description of ERE and add back of the 'tingly' (as Dee would say it) and newness of the way NRE feels but without the hangover. I too feel that my ARE (perhaps which is your ERI) includes intimacy, fulfillment, foundation, etc. I don't replace the energy part, however. A consensual exchange/movement of energy is important to me.



Magdlyn said:
No, that's not my meaning. I didn't feel a lack of respect. You said:





That's why I like ERI, since I've replaced "energy" with "intimacy." Energy merely suggests electric kinesthetic movement, whereas intimacy reflects something deeper, more nourishing, fulfilling, dependable, a foundation.
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KND said:
I am glad to clarify this question for the record. If you took it that way, others may as well or in other unintended ways. My term ORE is more of a tease than anything, and not a poo-poo of ERE. The way you interpret my meaning of ORE is probably correct, but I don't equate ORE and ERE, which is why I invented the term to describe my old situation.

My term of ARE would include your description of ERE and add back of the 'tingly' (as Dee would say it) and newness of the way NRE feels but without the hangover. I too feel that my ARE (perhaps which is your ERI) includes intimacy, fulfillment, foundation, etc. I don't replace the energy part, however. A consensual exchange/movement of energy is important to me.
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Good point. Energy is very important, I agree. I think polyamory requires a lot of energy! (Too much, sometimes, lol.) You can more sort of "coast" in monogamy, and still make things work, well enough. You have the established norm to fall back on.

There are more moving parts in ENM, so more "work" (fun work, a lot of the time, of course), is required. We need to be on our toes, we need to be taking our vitamins. I guess my point is, with Aries, for example, I needed to make sure the "energy" wasn't just the novelty factor, and would fade rather quickly. Intimacy requires trust, and continuing to show up for each other, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health (to coin a phrase haha).

ERI is like a delicious nourishing meal. NRE is like a fancy dessert, so delicious, but pretty much empty calories.
 
ERI is like a delicious nourishing meal. NRE is like a fancy dessert, so delicious, but pretty much empty calories.
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Yes.
 
Naked Man Campground

When you are greeted by a fully nude man in the middle of a Southern pine forest, you know things are probably going to be good.

Perhaps, you think there there could be exceptions to this statement, but in my case, it did turn out ok.

I have been flying solo lately with Kiwi’s absence and finally had enough free time to go out and about. My first stop on my first day off was the Doctor’s office. Just a check-up, and all was well. However, I also received a massage, and that was more well. I worked with this massage therapist before, and we rather hit it off. I had been thinking of asking her for social time and decided to invite her over for fall weather campfire and conversation. This was a stretch for me. For one, it was a bit of a crossing of boundaries, and two, I am not that forward, generally. I decided-- why not at least bring up the topic. I made my mind up to ask. She gave a quick yes, and we made plans. I spent the next few hours debating on whether she would actually turn-up which was a fear rooted in simple self-doubt. I logically believed she would arrive as she seemed the sort to be honest/up front and that was probably one of the reasons that I liked her. [Edit: I forgot to report about the campfire meetup. She did turn up. We had a lovely chat for a couple comfortable hours which made it around 930pm. She had more clients the next day, so off she went.] At the end of the weekend, I texted her with a simple greeting, and imagine that, she texted back. This is solid progress toward a new friend. Let’s call her Lemon.

On to Naked Man- As part of my adventure to find friends, I (and Kiwi, but not this time) am attending various events where there is a higher likelihood of meeting someone(s) with similar attributes. This time the event was a weekend stay at a clothing optional campground. I like the forest; I like hiking and sleeping outdoors, and I like being nude. It seemed a good fit. There was a sauna, hot tub, evening fires, but plenty of solitude if desired. In the end, I did meet a lot of interesting people although none that seemed to be friendship material.

At such events, I often skew the average age by quite a bit. Where are the hip 50+?

Nonetheless, ultimately, I had great few days of just doing my own thing. I do look forward to Kiwi time, however.

Lemon Tree
 
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Kiwi with a Touch of Lemon

Life has been just creeping along since the Naked Campground Trip, but I can happily report that Kiwi is now within snuggle distance. Upon her return, we spent the weekend in a sex and love hideaway. This was a few days of bliss which included a chatter-walk with Lemon. A chatter-walk is where you invite someone for a nice walk (preferably in the forest) and take a slower pace in order to have a chance to visit and yet also a bit of exercise.

Each time I/Kiwi/we interact with Lemon, we find that she seems like a great and authentic person. The nature of the relationship is still developing, but I think we have an actual friend-type person at least. Lemon plans to come visit at our place soon-ish. We will likely go on a more hike-like walk, and with a bit of luck, partake in deeper communication over dinner and hot tub time.

A Taste of Honey
 
I return to the story line to make a simple update as to not allow the thread to grow too cold. With the holidays and not much going on, there has not been much to share. Looking back, however, there are a few things to note:

1-11-26- Kiwi and I just returned from a 2-day 'Tantra' Temple. We attended a few of these, and they always result in some sort of energy zap. The one before this resulted in an incredible energy-zap that, ultimately, was healing, but the experience was not welcomed at the time. In the most recent Temple, we had a very nice event, although there was very little of an energy field (for us). The vibe was more of a very laid-back clothing-optional dinner party. We did meet a couple of new potential friends (friendentials) and deepened a relationship from a previous event.

At the end of 2025, Kiwi attended an event which was energy and spiritually focused which she fully enjoyed. I could not make it, and it was probably just as well that she went solo. We are both excited as the venue is only 45-minutes from our home. It is an anomaly, actually, that it exists in these parts. We will spend more time there, no doubt.

Lemon- Between the above, Lemon invited us to come over to her place for tea and a chatter-walk. Alas, I could not go to this either (we had a Tgiving meet-up planned which ended up cancelled). Kiwi was to be in Lemon's area on other business already and was able to visit. They had a nice time talking and walking and such. I think we are all quite compatible as friends, but our schedules and other daily-life details seem to hinder development of a deeper connection. Distance is part of the problem, especially in my ability to visit with Lemon.

Kink- I was recently able to attend a local Munch- this was also a welcomed surprise given where we live. In fact, there was a solid crowd of like-interested folks. The Munch was also a vetting for an intimate and newly formed dungeon only about an hour or so away. I think we are likely to make it to an event there this year.

 
It's been a while since I updated my blog here, but I have been lurking.

There's not a lot different from my last post. Life has been steady, but I want to add what details might be important for the record.
  • Events- Kiwi and I continue to attend various events such as Tantra-related, yoga, and a not-far from home Ashram-like place that offers various events. All of these have been opportunities to build our community network. We have not deepened many of the relationships (we do try), but the number of people we count in our 'community' has certainly grown. The folks at the Ashram are diverse, interesting, and nearby. We will probably be attending a lot of events there
  • Lemon- this relationship does continue to deepen. Lemon is becoming a good friend for myself and Kiwi- individually. I am very happy about this. Lemon is a solid person (as I define one)
  • Kink- I/we do attend the local Munch here and there. These meetings have not led to any serious new connections except to find about more events and generally become connected to the kinksters around here. Perhaps, we will go to a nearby Dungeon we learned about and for which we became vetted at the Munch
  • Summer- We had extended travel abroad in March. Now, we have settled for the summer with work and home projects
That's it. It has been a good few months. Like I said- steady.

 
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