LDR and balancing problems

cjb87

New member
I’m in an LDR with a woman who has a local partner. We’ve been seeing each other for about 3 months, and because we are so long distance, have only seen each other twice. We currently have no future plans to see each other because of unexpected job insecurity issues on her end, and a very low income and much stricter work schedule on mine. When we are able to connect in person, it’s really magical. Unfortunately, though, for the time in between, my partner struggles to meet my needs for consistent connection/quality time/attention. Her major love language is Touch. She also has said that there is no hierarchy and that she feels very seriously about me and I’m just as much of a priority as her other relationship, but struggles to balance this relationship with her other one, one that until recently was very enmeshed and codependent though they’ve made some moves away from that and that partner has also started seeing someone else, which has allowed my partner more built-in time for herself. She still struggles though me to really make space for me in a way that gives us the opportunities we need to stay connected and intimate between visits, and sometimes also to keep her word around telling me she’ll get in touch or making plans. It’s been really hard.

Last week, something happened where we had had a processing call on Wednesday about our Ongoing struggles with disconnection and consistency and balance and how difficult it’s been, and then had a shorter call planned just to connect for the next day. My partner’s partner had something come up though, her grandfather in the hospital passing away, and my partner said she wanted to cut our call short and be there for their partner. Understandable. I asked her for a rescheduled call and she said she didn’t “want to talk on the phone so much.” That hurt. I then only heard from her the next day when I reached out to ask how it had gone and she told me her partner had said some things about her not being trustworthy or reliable with their feelings, compared her to their other partner and explained how she fell short, and chosen to get support from that partner and a friend instead, and that my partner was shut down for the rest of that night. I didn’t hear from her again for a couple more days, until Sunday; when she finally asked how I was, and asked if I could connect over phone call that evening. She’d spent those days processing and connecting with her partner. She clarified that her comment about not wanting to talk so much was a poorly worded way of trying to express that she was struggling to find time for herself too (which I absolutely agree is very important!!) and acknowledged that it was hurtful. I told her I’d been feeling hurt by that comment coupled with her disappearance, and feeling neglected because she’d been prioritizing her other partner for several days without reaching out to check on me. Later, though, she canceled our phone call because she’d forgotten she’d made more plans for another connection night with her other partner. She’d asked her other partner if they’d be okay to reschedule, and they said no. I felt extremely hurt that she chose them over me again after I’d shared my feelings and need for connection. She’d also already told me that the next evening she’d be nervous and exhausted because she had two interviews that day and surgery the next, and I had something to do that day, so I said no when she offered me that time instead. I know she thought she was being fair by letting her other partner decide because she’d made those plans first (while she wasn’t in touch with me at all) and wanted to honor that. But to me it was an opportunity for her to show me it mattered to her to prioritize our relationship and connection too, to restore some balance and connection and put us first that time and say to her other partner, I’m sorry, I messed up and double booked, and it’s important for me to reconnect with my other partner tonight before my interviews and surgery this week because I’ve been neglecting her while we focused on our relationship. Shes since been able to acknowledge why that hurt me. And to acknowledge that I deserve better than what I’ve been getting from her for a while. She’s questioning her ability to meet my needs in between visits, and whether any of this can really change any time soon, though she also acknowledges i am not asking for much. It’s unclear whether our relationship will continue. But she hasn’t had much time to talk to me about any of this, because she’s recovering from surgery this week.

Help?
 
I'm sorry you are feeling sad and neglected by your Long Distance partner. I too really struggled emotionally when one of my partners was long distance. I hope things get better for you soon.

It sounds as though your partner is not too reliable if even her local partner complains about it. As it is, this relationship does not sound as though it is satisfying you. This set up may not be workable for the two of you. Are you in a position to also look for a local partner who can fulfill your need for connection? Maybe then you could enjoy the more irregular contact with your LDR partner.

Leetah
 
Personally, if "we had no future plans to see each other", I'd drop the "partner" label. When I think about the main differences between partners and friends, in-person contact is something that is a must for me. I would need to adjust my expectations because a relationship without the build up to in-person contact isn't sustainable for me. The times I've tried to do it, I've found the balance impossible to achieve. I've had several local partners and balanced just fine but the dedication that a relationship where all foreseeable contact will be online/over the phone with no visit scheduled requires a dedication that I find doesnt mesh with having active relationships outside as well.

For example, I (because I structure my relationships this way) can spend quality (if not 1v1) time with 1 or more partners while they are with me and another partner or more. Relationships that exist via internet chats and phone calls do not readily offer that opportunity.

LDR only work for me if there are the resources to see each other every few months at least.

The darker side of extending the word partner past its applicability is evident in this thread on this page (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116517&page=26) where we talk about how the word "partner" being used too loosely can really obstruct communication.

What I would do is be friends. With a friend,you have less expectations and more bonuses.
 
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I’m just as much of a priority as her other relationship, but struggles to balance this relationship with her other one, one that until recently was very enmeshed and codependent though they’ve made some moves away from that

Any relationship that was enmeshed and codependent until recently is still enmeshed and codependent. Codependence is not something you just decide to make moves away from, it is a deeply engrained intimacy pattern that requires long, consistent, conscious changes in behavior and thought in order to alter for the better - usually over a period of years. Codependence is about fear and fear is not something that just evaporates because somebody decided to make a few changes and poof, it's gone. As time goes by, you will see that saying the words "we have changed" is not going to hold water. Watch what happens over time, not what people say their intentions are. For this reason, I'd be awfully cautious about entering into further intimacy with this situation.

Note for yourself how easily you fall into "serious." You've known her three months and have seen her twice, yet are willing to go along with the role of "serious partner." What's going on in you that you respond to someone you barely know with such enthusiasm to give it all away so early on? What do you bring to this situation that clicks so seamlessly with their enmeshment?
 
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Hi, CJB, welcome. I am going to give nicknames to your LDR person and your metamours. We ask you choose nicknames in our Guidelines. It makes it much easier to read and understand your posts, and give feedback.

I’m in an LDR with a woman, Kaylee, who has a local partner, Taylor. We’ve been seeing each other for about 3 months. Because we are so long distance, have only seen each other twice.

We currently have no future plans to see each other, because of unexpected job insecurity issues on Kaylee's end, and a very low income and a much stricter work schedule on mine. When we have been able to connect in person, it was really magical.

Unfortunately, though, for the time in between, Kaylee struggles to meet my needs for consistent connection/quality time/attention. Her major love language is Touch.

Kaylee has also said that there is no hierarchy, that she feels very seriously about me, and I’m just as much of a priority as Taylor is. But she struggles to balance this relationship with her other one, which was, until recently, very enmeshed and codependent (although they’ve made some moves away from that).

Taylor has also started seeing someone else (Pat), which has allowed Kaylee more built-in time for herself. She still struggles though, to really make space for me, in a way that gives us the opportunities we need to stay connected and intimate between visits. Kaylee sometimes also struggles to keep her word around telling me she’ll get in touch or making plans. It’s been really hard.

Last Wednesday something happened, when we had had a processing call about our ongoing struggles with disconnection and consistency and balance, and how difficult it’s been, and then also when we had a shorter call planned, just to connect, for the next day.

Taylor had something come up: her grandfather was in the hospital passing away, and Kaylee said she wanted to cut our call short, and be there for Taylor. Understandable.

I asked Kaylee for a rescheduled call, but she said she didn’t, “want to talk on the phone so much.” That hurt. I then only heard from her the next day when I reached out to ask how it had gone.

She told me Taylor had said some things about Kaylee not being trustworthy or reliable with her feelings, compared her to her other partner, Pat. She explained how Kaylee fell short, and that she (Taylor) had chosen to get support from Pat and a friend instead, saying Kaylee was shut down for the rest of that night.

I didn’t hear from Kaylee again for a couple more days, until Sunday, when she finally asked how I was, and asked if I could connect over the phone that evening. She’d spent those days processing and connecting with Taylor.

Kaylee clarified that her comment about not wanting to talk so much was a poorly worded way of trying to express that she was struggling to find time for herself too (which I absolutely agree is very important!!), and acknowledged that it was hurtful. I told her I’d been feeling hurt by that comment, coupled with her disappearance, and feeling neglected because she’d been prioritizing Taylor for several days, without reaching out to check on me.

Later, though, Kaylee canceled our phone call because she’d forgotten she’d made more plans for another connection night with Taylor. She’d asked Taylor if she’d be okay to reschedule, and she said no. I felt extremely hurt that Kaylee chose Taylor over me again, after I’d shared my feelings and need for connection.

Kaylee also already told me that the next evening she’d be nervous and exhausted, because she had two interviews that day, and surgery the next. I also had something to do that day, so I said no when she offered me that time instead.

I know she thought she was being fair by letting Taylor decide, because she’d made those plans with Taylor first (while she wasn’t in touch with me at all), and wanted to honor that. But, to me, it was an opportunity for her to show me that it mattered to her to prioritize our relationship and connection too; to restore some balance and connection, put us first that time, and say to Taylor, "I’m sorry, I messed up and double booked. It’s important for me to reconnect with CJB tonight, before my interviews and surgery this week. I’ve been neglecting her while we focused on our relationship."

Kaylee has since been able to acknowledge why that hurt me, and to acknowledge that I deserve better than what I’ve been getting from her for a while. She’s questioning her ability to meet my needs in between visits, and whether any of this can really change any time soon, though she also acknowledges that I am not asking for much. It’s unclear whether our relationship will continue. But she hasn’t had much time to talk to me about any of this, because she’s recovering from surgery this week.


It sounds like Kaylee has been extremely busy with interviews and surgery, while supporting Taylor through the death of her grandfather too. Polyamory is more complicated than monogamy. Both she and Taylor are hinges in Vs, during a stressful time.

I think you could back off a little until the dust settles, and the funeral, etc., is over, and Kaylee has recovered from surgery a bit. Obviously, even when people say "there is no hierarchy," in this case, Taylor is right there. You are a new partner, and you live far away. It is possible to want, and to say, CBJ, you're just as important to me as Taylor. But the reality seems to be different, at least so far.

I, personally, hate LDRs, especially when they start out that way. Especially since touch is important to Kaylee, it seems like this new "relationship" is having way too many problems only 3 months in.
 
Hello cjb87,

I'm sorry you're having problems with your partner. LDR's are really hard. Right now I think you have a conflict between how often you want to connect by phone, and how often she wants to connect by phone. Your love language may be Quality Time, whereas hers is Touch and as such phone calls aren't as meaningful to her. Right now she has a lot on her plate, but as soon as that clears off, you need her to start calling you more often. I don't know how many phone calls (say per week) you need, but it's more than you're getting. If she's not willing to increase the (length and) frequency of phone calls, you may want to consider taking a step back from the relationship. You might find it more satisfying to find a local partner in your area.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

I'm not sure what you need help with. It sounds like maybe coming to terms that this is over? :confused:

I’m in an LDR with a woman who has a local partner. We’ve been seeing each other for about 3 months and because we are so long distance, have only seen each other twice.

Then this is not a serious relationship yet. It's two dates in three months and really sparse and blotchy in between contact.

We currently have no future plans to see each other because of unexpected job insecurity issues on her end, and a very low income and much stricter work schedule on mine.

When we are able to connect in person, it’s really magical. Unfortunately, though, for the time in between, my partner struggles to meet my needs for consistent connection/quality time/attention.

I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

I think you are trying to make this be more than it is or can be.

LDR is hard, and she's not all that great at online dating you in between "in real life" dates or keeping in touch.

You know:

  • She doesn't make space for you in between visits in the way you need to stay connected and intimate between those visits.

  • She doesn't always keep her word around telling you she’ll get in touch or in making plans.

She says:

  • She acknowledges she's treated you poorly recently.
  • She thinks you deserve better than what she's been giving for a while.
  • She acknowledges you are not asking for much.
  • She doubts her ability to meet your needs in between visits, and whether any of this will change any time soon.

To me that sounds like she's kinda hoping YOU will be the one to break up rather than her having to it.

If dealing with her behavior is really hard? Maybe it is ok to let this go.

You don't have to process it with her. Maybe just accept that however great this is in person? In LDR, it isn't a runner for all the reasons above.

I'm sorry. It doesn't sound fun. :(

Galagirl
 
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