I’m in an LDR with a woman who has a local partner. We’ve been seeing each other for about 3 months, and because we are so long distance, have only seen each other twice. We currently have no future plans to see each other because of unexpected job insecurity issues on her end, and a very low income and much stricter work schedule on mine. When we are able to connect in person, it’s really magical. Unfortunately, though, for the time in between, my partner struggles to meet my needs for consistent connection/quality time/attention. Her major love language is Touch. She also has said that there is no hierarchy and that she feels very seriously about me and I’m just as much of a priority as her other relationship, but struggles to balance this relationship with her other one, one that until recently was very enmeshed and codependent though they’ve made some moves away from that and that partner has also started seeing someone else, which has allowed my partner more built-in time for herself. She still struggles though me to really make space for me in a way that gives us the opportunities we need to stay connected and intimate between visits, and sometimes also to keep her word around telling me she’ll get in touch or making plans. It’s been really hard.
Last week, something happened where we had had a processing call on Wednesday about our Ongoing struggles with disconnection and consistency and balance and how difficult it’s been, and then had a shorter call planned just to connect for the next day. My partner’s partner had something come up though, her grandfather in the hospital passing away, and my partner said she wanted to cut our call short and be there for their partner. Understandable. I asked her for a rescheduled call and she said she didn’t “want to talk on the phone so much.” That hurt. I then only heard from her the next day when I reached out to ask how it had gone and she told me her partner had said some things about her not being trustworthy or reliable with their feelings, compared her to their other partner and explained how she fell short, and chosen to get support from that partner and a friend instead, and that my partner was shut down for the rest of that night. I didn’t hear from her again for a couple more days, until Sunday; when she finally asked how I was, and asked if I could connect over phone call that evening. She’d spent those days processing and connecting with her partner. She clarified that her comment about not wanting to talk so much was a poorly worded way of trying to express that she was struggling to find time for herself too (which I absolutely agree is very important!!) and acknowledged that it was hurtful. I told her I’d been feeling hurt by that comment coupled with her disappearance, and feeling neglected because she’d been prioritizing her other partner for several days without reaching out to check on me. Later, though, she canceled our phone call because she’d forgotten she’d made more plans for another connection night with her other partner. She’d asked her other partner if they’d be okay to reschedule, and they said no. I felt extremely hurt that she chose them over me again after I’d shared my feelings and need for connection. She’d also already told me that the next evening she’d be nervous and exhausted because she had two interviews that day and surgery the next, and I had something to do that day, so I said no when she offered me that time instead. I know she thought she was being fair by letting her other partner decide because she’d made those plans first (while she wasn’t in touch with me at all) and wanted to honor that. But to me it was an opportunity for her to show me it mattered to her to prioritize our relationship and connection too, to restore some balance and connection and put us first that time and say to her other partner, I’m sorry, I messed up and double booked, and it’s important for me to reconnect with my other partner tonight before my interviews and surgery this week because I’ve been neglecting her while we focused on our relationship. Shes since been able to acknowledge why that hurt me. And to acknowledge that I deserve better than what I’ve been getting from her for a while. She’s questioning her ability to meet my needs in between visits, and whether any of this can really change any time soon, though she also acknowledges i am not asking for much. It’s unclear whether our relationship will continue. But she hasn’t had much time to talk to me about any of this, because she’s recovering from surgery this week.
Help?
Last week, something happened where we had had a processing call on Wednesday about our Ongoing struggles with disconnection and consistency and balance and how difficult it’s been, and then had a shorter call planned just to connect for the next day. My partner’s partner had something come up though, her grandfather in the hospital passing away, and my partner said she wanted to cut our call short and be there for their partner. Understandable. I asked her for a rescheduled call and she said she didn’t “want to talk on the phone so much.” That hurt. I then only heard from her the next day when I reached out to ask how it had gone and she told me her partner had said some things about her not being trustworthy or reliable with their feelings, compared her to their other partner and explained how she fell short, and chosen to get support from that partner and a friend instead, and that my partner was shut down for the rest of that night. I didn’t hear from her again for a couple more days, until Sunday; when she finally asked how I was, and asked if I could connect over phone call that evening. She’d spent those days processing and connecting with her partner. She clarified that her comment about not wanting to talk so much was a poorly worded way of trying to express that she was struggling to find time for herself too (which I absolutely agree is very important!!) and acknowledged that it was hurtful. I told her I’d been feeling hurt by that comment coupled with her disappearance, and feeling neglected because she’d been prioritizing her other partner for several days without reaching out to check on me. Later, though, she canceled our phone call because she’d forgotten she’d made more plans for another connection night with her other partner. She’d asked her other partner if they’d be okay to reschedule, and they said no. I felt extremely hurt that she chose them over me again after I’d shared my feelings and need for connection. She’d also already told me that the next evening she’d be nervous and exhausted because she had two interviews that day and surgery the next, and I had something to do that day, so I said no when she offered me that time instead. I know she thought she was being fair by letting her other partner decide because she’d made those plans first (while she wasn’t in touch with me at all) and wanted to honor that. But to me it was an opportunity for her to show me it mattered to her to prioritize our relationship and connection too, to restore some balance and connection and put us first that time and say to her other partner, I’m sorry, I messed up and double booked, and it’s important for me to reconnect with my other partner tonight before my interviews and surgery this week because I’ve been neglecting her while we focused on our relationship. Shes since been able to acknowledge why that hurt me. And to acknowledge that I deserve better than what I’ve been getting from her for a while. She’s questioning her ability to meet my needs in between visits, and whether any of this can really change any time soon, though she also acknowledges i am not asking for much. It’s unclear whether our relationship will continue. But she hasn’t had much time to talk to me about any of this, because she’s recovering from surgery this week.
Help?